Questions To Ask During Visits

[Kayte Postle]

In November I'm attending my first Come & See with a community I'm interested in (one the Holy Spirit kinda threw at me, and I'm a bit surprised). I'm starting a list of questions I want to ask during my time there, and I was wondering if they were any questions that you all think are essential to ask on a visit.

 

Also, I know at some point we had a thread where someone had posted a great list of questions to ask communities (from nun mom maybe?), but I can't seem to find it!  Does anyone remember the list?

 

Thanks!

[AnneLine]

Kayte,

 

 

Here is the list that TradMom put together a while back... and there was a lot of other good discussion in this thread as well! 

 

http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/topic/77767-going-on-a-nun-run/?p=1473662

 

 

 

THANK YOU, dUSt, for giving us back a working search & phorum!!!!

[Kayte Postle]

Anneline thank you thank you thank you!!

[AnneLine]

there have been several threads with similar discussions... use 'phatmass' and 'questions' and 'community' and 'tradmom' and you probably can find them with Search... ;)

[EmilyAnn]

Having a list of questions is definitely the way to go. I remember after my first visit when I was discerning I ended up emailing Mother Mistress with a whole load of questions I'd forgotten about! The thread AnneLine linked is excellent, and a lot of those questions don't necessarily occur to discerners.

1. As much as it's difficult to think about, how does community handle people leaving during formation (whether the choice is by the individual or the community). What is the drop-out rate compared to those who stay? 
2. How often can family visit? How often can friends visit? How often are home visits? How often can you receive/send letters? Are your letters read by your superior? 
3. What is the balance of work and prayer in their life? How does their spirituality influence this?
4. What experience of their life do you get before entering? Is it a come-and-see, live-in, etc. 

Also, if you have any particular skills or interests, mention them! 

 

I'm sure I'll think of more later :hehe:

[AnneLine]

And... obviously you don't want to bring a long toilet paper roll of questions to unfurl in the first 10 minutes of the first meeting!!!!

 

Most likely you would have a few hours or a few days... ask some strategic first questions, and note the answers.   Then either then or later in the day or the visit, continue the 'thread' by saying something like, "I've been thinking about what you said about A.   And that has made me think of a few other questions... C, D and E."

 

For example:

 

1st question:   How often might my family and friends be able to visit me?

 

Response might be:   Well... "families can come once a month, and friends maybe once or twice a year."

 

Follow up questions might be:

 

"It makes sense that we could have visitors once a month (or 4 times a year, or once a year, or whatever).   Would l my family and friends be able to write?   Could I write back to them?"

 

If they said yes, then you could ask follow up questions AND indicate you are listening to what the Sister/Mother is saying by the feedback you are giving to the info she is sharing with you:

 

"Do any of the sisters get to use email at all?  

 

Mother responds, "Our sisters don't use mail during Lent and Advent, but we encourage them to stay in contact with families.  We let the sisters who have been professed use email one hour a week... but with few exceptions, it's just with immediate family.   Especially for those coming from another country, it is less expensive than mail would be.  Your friends can mail you things, but they shouldn't expect a lot of mail back from you -- you'll be pretty busy!"

 

You might respond:  "oh, just the ones who are professed, and that only with immediate family.  And the sisters can only use it one hour a week.  I see.  And I understand why you use it -- it is less expensive to use email than have the sisters have to pay for postage outside the country.  That makes sense... and I see where it fits with holy Poverty!   But my family will be happy to know they can mail me stuff as long as it isn't during Lent and Advent."

 

That way you are getting all your questions answered, but not necessarily sound ling like you are interrogating them for Homeland Security or something.....

 

Does this make sense?

[Kayte Postle]

Yes it does, thank you Anneline. That's very sound and helpful advice.

 

EmilyAnn: Yeah I have the same problem, I've gone to convents before (on nun-runs) or talked with a sister when they come to campus, and when they ask if I have any questions my mind goes blank! I'm making sure to write down the questions ahead of time so I don't forget. I can also keep track of the answers easier as well, and can refer to it when I "unpack" things after my visit.

[EmilyAnn]

Adding on to what AnneLine said, there are a lot of questions that will either be a) brought up by the community anyway or b) things that unfold over time and experience. A lot of questions are answered simply by being there and experiencing the life. There are things that you just can't even think to ask because you don't know they exist! 

[AnneLine]

I like what you said, Emily.

 

And... what I was suggesting, Kayte, is really a form of something called a  'decision tree.'  They are often used by medical professionals to rule out/make sense of symptoms... and to help with making a decision.  They are also used to solve problems in businesses, families etc..... and I think it might be useful for OUR Phamily!

 

It works like this:

 

======================================

 

Question 1:  Do you have symptom A?

 

If Yes, do XYZ

 

If no, go to Question 2.

 

 

Question 2:

 

Do you have Symptom B? 

 

........... If yes, do GHI.

 

........... if No, go to Question 3,

 

 

ETC.

 

======================================

 

I would think we can come up with one for discernment questions!  If we come up with a good one, maybe the mods would pin it for us!!!!

 

 

For fun, here is a funny one about 'should I go to bed' that will give you some ideas....

 

http://www.selectsmart.com/commentary/blog.php?m=2176

 

 

Thoughts?

[EmilyAnn]

That's a good idea AnneLine! I think a resource like that would be really great. 

 

Oh, and on the subject of visits: I've heard of some communities not allowing visits from single males (at least in the first stages of formation). So if that would apply to you, doesn't hurt to ask :)

[Kayte Postle]

A- A I think a decision tree would be wonderful for the pham, but I think it would look different for each community. I'm sure tho we could come up with a basic one for "weeding-out" communities for when you start discerning.  It'd be a resource, great idea!

 

Em- Not a problem for me, no single male relatives or friends that would visit me. But thank you for pointing it out!

 

You two are fantastic, I'm adding quite a few questions to my list!

[Kayte Postle]

Here's what I had on my list before:

 

Do you have home visits?/ How often?

How do you provide for yourselves?

How are those in formation provided for?

How often do you have contact with your family?

What are the charisms of your community?

How do you live out the mission and spirit of your foundress?

[TheresaThoma]

Definitely ask how they provide for themselves, it may feel awkward to ask but it is definitely something you need to know.

My other suggestion is to really pay attention to HOW they respond to questions (especially the "hard" ones). A good community should welcome questions not just quickly brush them aside.

Something else to ask about is if their have been an major changes/issues/events. What caused that and how did/is the community handling it? This can be really informative as to how the community would handle changes in the future. 

 

I hope you have a wonderful visit! So many questions can be answered just by staying there!

[AccountDeleted]

AL - In computer programming, a decision tree is just an algorhythm    :)

 

 

 

 

and as for me, I like to ask some questions via email before I ever go for a visit - that way I get a rough picture of what the community is like.I don't use this to make a decision - but to develop a relationship.

Edited September 16, 2013 by nunsense

[Gabriela]

I like what you said, Emily.

 

And... what I was suggesting, Kayte, is really a form of something called a  'decision tree.'  They are often used by medical professionals to rule out/make sense of symptoms... and to help with making a decision.  They are also used to solve problems in businesses, families etc..... and I think it might be useful for OUR Phamily!

 

It works like this:

 

======================================

 

Question 1:  Do you have symptom A?

 

If Yes, do XYZ

 

If no, go to Question 2.

 

 

Question 2:

 

Do you have Symptom B? 

 

........... If yes, do GHI.

 

........... if No, go to Question 3,

 

 

ETC.

 

======================================

 

I would think we can come up with one for discernment questions!  If we come up with a good one, maybe the mods would pin it for us!!!!

 

 

 

 

That sounds like a research project. :-D