Telling Family You're Switching Parishes

[tinytherese]

I'm 24 and current circumstances have me living with my parents.

 

I'd like to attend a different parish in town because of liturgical abuses and certain practices that have been going on since we got a new priest over a year ago. I'm talking situations like lay people giving homilies, using inclusive language during mass, and being very "I'm okay. You're okay. Jesus didn't come here to make judgements on how we act. Just be nice to each other."

 

I could go on for some time to give a full description. This priest is very defensive about criticism, even if it's constructive. I think it's because of people not liking the way that he does things in comparison to the former priest. I've been told that he's good at delegating tasks whereas the former priest was involved in everything. I see that as a good change, but in regards to mass and the sacraments I see bad changes.

 

I'm uncomfortable talking to him about these issues and even if I did and worded it in the kindest way possible, I don't think that he would change.

 

I pray for him and wish him the best, but his behavior really irritates me. I cringe at mass and rant in my head about how he's behaving. I know that Our Lord is present regardless, but I'm suffering spiritually from this environment. I was diagnosed with depression almost four years ago and my spiritual life is affected. I'm reluctant to even read spiritual works because I don't want to feel depressed about what is lacking at my parish.

 

I'd like to attend another parish in town, but I know that this would upset certain family memebers, especially my mom and grandma (who lives in town.) My mom is somewhat on the liberal side and I've tried to talk to her about the faith, but such discussions usually end badly. My grandma has gotten angry in the past when people leave our parish for another one, seeing it as betrayal. My mom and grandparents are very active at our parish and know lots of people there. I've volunteered as a lector and to be apart of the pro-life group, so my absence would be noticed.

 

I know that explaining myself would not go over well, even though my family, particularly my grandma, would pry about why I'd attend elsewhere.

 

Could I just say, "I'm attending another parish because I feel that it meets my spiritual needs. I'm uncomfortable with sharing the specifics. I don't expect you to be happy about this or to agree with what I'm doing, but I do expect you to respect my decision. I'll attend our parish on Christmas and Easter because I know that those are special times of the year"?

 

How do you recommend I handle this situation and cope with negative reactions?

[Nihil Obstat]

Eh... I just went and did it. Framed it as being simply a fact: "I'm going here now", with no room for discussion unless it was on my terms.
That way it was framed in such a way that debate was impossible, discussion stayed where I wanted it, and ultimately there was no issue.

Although... Part of the reason it was so easy was that at exactly the same time as that, my parents separated and everyone except me stopped practicing. So...

[AugustineA]

I don't have a clear answer for you. I suffered guilt trying to leave my parish, particularly since the family member I was going with was converted partly because of me. Eventually, we both recognized the need to go to another parish. But it took months of this sort of framing. "Oh hey why don't we go to the cathedral downtown. That will be cool. Why don't we check out St. Edmunds just to see what it's about?" In the mean time I would go out there some weekdays without telling them.

 

In other words, you just have to make it work to the best of your ability. Good luck!

[havok579257]

I guess my thing is I think its completely unfair to say you are not going to talk to the priest about it becuase he probobly wont change his mind about it. The truth is you dont know. He very may well change. You will never know until you try. I saw before you leave at the very least bring your concerns to the priest and see what happens. The thing is, if we all just switch parishes when something is going wrong, these things will never be fixed. They will continue on. Now maybe talking to him wont fix anything but you never know until you try.

Also as it pertains to your family I would tell them exactly why you are leaving. We all know family and we all know they will not stop asking until you explain why. So its either explain it to them now or go through a period of hassle and then finally give them the answer. I think beating around the bush will lead to more issues with family than just coming out and telling them the truth.

[Lil Red]

I guess my thing is I think its completely unfair to say you are not going to talk to the priest about it becuase he probobly wont change his mind about it. The truth is you dont know. He very may well change. You will never know until you try. I saw before you leave at the very least bring your concerns to the priest and see what happens. The thing is, if we all just switch parishes when something is going wrong, these things will never be fixed. They will continue on. Now maybe talking to him wont fix anything but you never know until you try.

Also as it pertains to your family I would tell them exactly why you are leaving. We all know family and we all know they will not stop asking until you explain why. So its either explain it to them now or go through a period of hassle and then finally give them the answer. I think beating around the bush will lead to more issues with family than just coming out and telling them the truth.

 

pretty much everything havok said.

 

i would add that if your family tries to browbeat or guilt you into staying at that parish to either cave (i.e. stay miserable), or stand on your feet and stand your ground. you're old enough to start acting like an adult and making grown up decisions - whether your family likes them or not. 

 

hmmm...that came out really confrontational and i don't mean it like that. (sorry. :( i'm just super tired and have no energy to re-write my statement.)

[Brother Adam]

I guess my thing is I think its completely unfair to say you are not going to talk to the priest about it becuase he probobly wont change his mind about it. The truth is you dont know. He very may well change. You will never know until you try. I saw before you leave at the very least bring your concerns to the priest and see what happens. The thing is, if we all just switch parishes when something is going wrong, these things will never be fixed. They will continue on. Now maybe talking to him wont fix anything but you never know until you try.

Also as it pertains to your family I would tell them exactly why you are leaving. We all know family and we all know they will not stop asking until you explain why. So its either explain it to them now or go through a period of hassle and then finally give them the answer. I think beating around the bush will lead to more issues with family than just coming out and telling them the truth.

 

She is not her priests keeper and has no obligation to talk to him. She is completely free to attend any Mass she wants to and can tell her family or not. I would suggest not making a big deal out of it. Casually mention you are attending another parish if need be, but it is not your responsibility to "fix a parish". If there are problems, that is the bishops responsibility.

[AnneLine]

I had to do this a while back.

 

What made it tough was I was part of a small faith group that had been going on for over ten years at that point, and I still wanted to continue to attend that.

 

THAT was the hardest thing to have to do.

But I said to them, , "Look, I'm simply not happy in this parish, it has moved in a direction that I am not comfortable with, and I have decided I want to go to ___ Parish.  I would still like to continue attending this group with all of you.  I hope you can respect my decision."

They were a little shocked at first.. but they got over it.  Several of them ended up following me to the new parish after awhile...

[tinytherese]

I see no point in attempting to talk to someone who is defensive and whose mind is already made up on his views.

 

I've been told that when it comes to pointing out negative behaviors, that that task belongs to a person's family and close friends. Those who don't fit that criteria won't be as likely to be listened to.

 

This priest has complained in a homily before that parishioners tell him that he doesn't preach enough on certain subjects. His attitude was that he just won't be able to please anybody. 

 

I've got a temper, so discussing the issues that I have with him wouldn't be pretty.

 

People like Liturgy Cops as much as the people in the Old Testament liked the prophets telling them to repent of their sins.

[John Ryan]

I refuse to go back to the parish I was raised in because the priest that took over from the previous priest I grew up with is obnoxiously conservative. His homilies consist of things such as railing against women who wear short skirts in summer and basically calling them whores. My parents know my progressive social views, so they simply respected my decision. Besides, it's not like they go to Church every Sunday, so now when they do go, they come with me to my new parish.

[AugustineA]

pro·gress  

/ˈprägrəs/

 

Noun

Forward or onward movement toward a destination.

 

Verb

Move forward or onward in space or time: "as the century progressed, the quality of telescopes improved".

 

:bible:

 

[Basilisa Marie]

You're old enough to make your own decisions. As long as you can get there on your own, there's nothing stopping you from attending mass somewhere else.  Does your family just go to your parish for mass, or also for programming? Because if they also go to programming, you could say that you'll still come with them to that.  It might be a way to help smooth things over.  Otherwise, just tell them. 

[tinytherese]

You're old enough to make your own decisions. As long as you can get there on your own, there's nothing stopping you from attending mass somewhere else.  Does your family just go to your parish for mass, or also for programming? Because if they also go to programming, you could say that you'll still come with them to that.  It might be a way to help smooth things over.  Otherwise, just tell them. 

 

What do you mean by programming?

[havok579257]

I see no point in attempting to talk to someone who is defensive and whose mind is already made up on his views.

 

I've been told that when it comes to pointing out negative behaviors, that that task belongs to a person's family and close friends. Those who don't fit that criteria won't be as likely to be listened to.

 

This priest has complained in a homily before that parishioners tell him that he doesn't preach enough on certain subjects. His attitude was that he just won't be able to please anybody. 

 

I've got a temper, so discussing the issues that I have with him wouldn't be pretty.

 

People like Liturgy Cops as much as the people in the Old Testament liked the prophets telling them to repent of their sins.

 

 

Do you know for a fact from experience that he will be defensive and has already set his mind and won't change it?  Or is that just what you have heard from others?  If you know from personal experience then there is no point in talking to him again.  Although if its just from what you have heard I would caution you to take it with a grain of salt.  All of us humans look at an argument/disagreement from one perspective and that is the perspective that we are right, they are wrong and so our view of things is distorted. 

 

Point out negative behaviors when it comes to church matters should not just fall on family and close friends.  The priest may have no close friends or family near by.  So in that case should no one ever tell him his negative behavior?  I think we as parishoners have a responsiblitity to the church to help priests when they have fallen off the road.  If not us, then who?  A bishop can not be around all priests all the time.  It falls on us parishoners to help make the church the way it is supposed to be.  If we all just run away when we see liturgical abuses how are they ever going to get fixed? 

 

Complaining about not being able to preach about everything everyone wants is different than refusing to take advice on mistakes he is making.

 

I think its troubling that your response to talking to the priest is that it wouldn't be pretty because of your temper.  That seems like the wrong thing to do.  If your family is doing something wrong is your first response to lose your temper?  If someone at school or work does something wrong is your first response to lose your temper? 

 

People don't like Liturgy Cops just like people don't like being told they are wrong or they have sinned but it is something that needs to be done.  No human likes to be told they are in the wrong.  Although I don't think that should stop use from telling people when they are wrong. 

 

 

In the end the choice is yours and it seems evident that you have already made your choice.  You have decided to switch parishes(which you have every right to) because of issues you have with your priest but refuse to bring up these issues with him and a the least give him the chance to fix the problems.  I guess I would just say, being your priest for a time, hasn't he at least earned enough respect to talk to him about your issues?

[havok579257]

She is not her priests keeper and has no obligation to talk to him. She is completely free to attend any Mass she wants to and can tell her family or not. I would suggest not making a big deal out of it. Casually mention you are attending another parish if need be, but it is not your responsibility to "fix a parish". If there are problems, that is the bishops responsibility.

 

 

I never said she had an obligation to speak to her priest.  I said she should because he deserves at least the chance to correct his mistakes. 

 

I never said she couldn't attend whatever mass she wanted or that she had to tell her family.  I simply stated something we all know to be true.  That if she does this and says nothing her family will pester her for an answer and until she gives them one it will causes issues between them.  We all know how families are. 

 

Bishops can not be everywhere all the time and unless the bishops know of abuses how can they fix these problems.  Also I would say it is our responsibility as members of the catholic church to help fix any problems the church has.  I don't think its right to just say, well I am not a bishop so I won't do anything to help the church fix problems it has.  I think we all have a responsibility to the church and her priests.

[Apotheoun]

Just go to a different parish. If anyone asks why you are no longer attending the liturgy at the old parish you can tell them your reasons for moving on (or not).