When Parents Do Not Support Your Vocation

[DameAgnes]

http://orderofpreachersvocations.blogspot.com/2013/08/when-your-parents-dont-support-your.html

[BarbTherese]

Excellent article and not too lengthy which can be helpful.  I'm putting it on file as rather regularly over on CA posts appear from members grappling with parental opposition.  Thank you for posting, DA...............Barb :)

[FFI Griswold]

Ave Maria!

 

 When Your Parents Don’t Support Your Vocation
A religious vocation given to a son or daughter can be perceived as a great blessing to a family. It can also be perceived as a threat. If you think God is calling you to be a Dominican friar, and your parents are opposed, here are some things to keep in mind.

Have you listened to your parents’ reasons? Before you try to explain the mystery of a vocation to them, allow them to tell you what their concerns are. These reasons could range wildly. They may think that you don’t really listen to them or honor them. They may want you to have a “normal” life that would include marriage and their expected grandchildren. They may think that you have abandoned them and won’t see them. They may think that you need to have several years of experience after college before you can make a decision. They may think that a religious community is full of misfits, or that religion is a scam. They may think that you will be happier and be more productive in doing just about anything else than becoming a religious.

Remind your parents of your unconditional love for them. Allow them to know that you will always be their son. Give them the honor and gratitude that they deserve. St. Thomas says, “It is not possible to make to one's parents an equal return of what one owes to them” (STh II-II, q. 80, a. 1; cf. STh II-II q. 101). In the virtue of piety, you are forever in your parents’ debt. Let them know that. Let them also know that your love and prayer for them can actually increase in religious life.

Are objections to a religious vocation conflated with other natural concerns? At times, parents may be reluctant to have their son grow up. Maturation takes much longer in western society now than a century ago. This may be due to various reasons, such as an unhealthy dependency of the son on his parents, or the parents on their son. A young man seriously thinking about a Dominican vocation should not be living with his parents and be dependent on them. If you were to join the military and go overseas, would your parents also be concerned? Do they realize that even in entering a marriage “a man leaves his father and mother” (Gen 2:24)?

Ask them if they trust and respect you and your decisions. You must demonstrate prudence in order to enter the novitiate. Also, let your parents know that there are several safeguards to prevent you from making a hasty decision about your entire life in a religious vocation. The Church and the Order have lots of safeguards, including considerable time, so as to see if your entrance into the novitiate is a genuine vocation from God. A man could not profess solemn vows, the commitment until death, until at least four years have lapsed after entering the novitiate. Entering the novitiate does not mean that everything has been settled. The Church and the Order do not allow that.

Let them know that you place the Lord above all else. Perhaps you even learned that basic truth through their faith. It’s certainly tops in terms of the Decalogue and in the preaching of Jesus Christ. The Lord says, “Everyone who has given up houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands for the sake of my name will receive a hundred times more, and will inherit eternal life” (Matt 19:29).

Let them experience something of your joy and excitement in a religious vocation. Show them that your answer to God’s call is precisely for the reason of happiness. You know that God wants you to be happy, perfectly happy. St. Thomas says, “To those indeed who take this sweet yoke upon themselves God promises the refreshment of divine enjoyment, and everlasting rest for their souls” (STh II-II, q. 189, a. 10, ad 3). Allow them to see how men, who could have had marriage, family, and normal jobs in the world, can thrive in a life that is a special gift from God, who has a plan much bigger and much more wonderful than ours. If you enter formation in the Province of St. Joseph, you will typically be able to go to your family at times of quies, or rest, usually twice a year after the novitiate. Your family will also be welcome at different times to visit you. Parents often feel bonded with the brothers in their son’s formation, and they come to realize that their son has many, many brothers. The brothers themselves look with affection on the parents of one of their own. In a sense, parents don’t lose a son so much as gain many, many sons!

    Fr. Andrew Hofer OP is the Student Master for the Province of St. Joseph at the Dominican House of Studies in Washington DC.

 

I like this advice because it is a very gentle approach, especially in the beginning phases.

 

Being active in the faith can also help to ease them into this idea. You can try to go to daily Mass, regular confession, attend retreats, conferences, volunteer at church, serve, go to catechism classes or Bible study groups, serve at soup kitchens, read the Bible and the lives of the saints (you can tell them stories of the heroic virtues of the saints that they could relate to), use and wear sacramentals, practice meditation, and strive to grow in virtue, etc. By seeing you do such things over time, seeing that you're growing in virtue and becoming a better person, they won't be as shocked when you mention that you want to pursue what obviously gives you the most joy in life.

 

Here is some counsel that isn't as gentle as the above and so probably shouldn't be brought out with guns blazing, but nevertheless can be kept in mind and practiced to some extent with the guidance of your spiritual director. It's from many of the great saints and doctors of the Church like St. Ambrose, St. Jerome, St. Augustine, St. Bernard, St. John Chrysostom, St. Thomas Aquinas, and St. Alphonsus Liguori. They say that you if you think you have a vocation, you should guard it with secrecy, except to a reliable confessor or spiritual director. This is special call from God for privileged souls and should be kept secret, even from parents - this is an area where the parents' authority does not extend, the serious issue of your salvation. (sermon audio)

 

Most importantly, consecrate yourself to Our Lady, and put your vocation in Her most loving hands.

 

Mary, Mother of Vocations, pray for us! All the saints who had vocation difficulties with their parents and family (e.g. St. Francis, St. Clare, St. Agnes, St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Alphonsus, St. Girard Majella, St. Rose of Lima, etc.), pray for us! Ave Maria!

 

In the Sacred Hearts of Jesus and Mary,

 

fra John Paul

[TheresaThoma]

I would add to all of this (very bluntly) "know when to shut up". Many times going on and on, even if you are very happy and excited, can cause more stress and more tension for them. The phrase actions speak louder than words definitely applies. I have known many religious who have said that over time (often over many years) when their parents saw how happy they are now their parents came around. 

[MarysLittleFlower]

How do you still be respectful to your parents while disagreeing with them about vocations? It's hard if parents see their child's vocation choice as an act of disobedience, betrayal, etc. Yet we must put God first in our vocation. How do we approach this practically?

[Ima Lurker]

Sorry, as a mom, I know that there will come a day when I have to, "let go and let God." You know? 

 

My kids are going to live on their own, do great and amazing things, and also screw up. 

 

It's really hard to take care of someone for so many years and then let go. 

 

Be patient. If parents are upset, it's because they love so much. And perhaps it's just that hard to, "let go and let God." if you know what I mean. 

 

Honestly, some will be able to reason with their mom or dad or both. And some will just have to offer it up as a Cross. A very precious Cross. 

 

Just my own thoughts.  :unsure:

[TheresaThoma]

How do you still be respectful to your parents while disagreeing with them about vocations? It's hard if parents see their child's vocation choice as an act of disobedience, betrayal, etc. Yet we must put God first in our vocation. How do we approach this practically?

 

The first step is to accept this yourself. Accept that they aren't going to be supportive and that it is a sore subject for them.  That is very important about how and what you decide to share with them. ALWAYS act compassionately towards them. For example even though you may be really excited about the last visit/phone call you had with the community you probably shouldn't share that with them if you have disagreed about your vocation. Keep them in the loop though and share with them a little bit at a time. If they aren't completely hostile mention that you went to visit a community/have been talking with a particular Sister etc but keep it general. Don't keep everything from them and then suddenly tell them that you have been accepted and are entering in 2 months. You might think that is easier but it won't help your relationship at all.

 

The other suggestion is to be as independent as possible. Figure out a way to get out and live on your own if you aren't already, time and distance can give both parties time to come around.