Telling One's Parents...

[Anselm]

I'm sure this has been discussed before but does anyone have any experience of telling atheist parents about their intention to join a religious community? How did you approach it and how did they react?

[Ima Lurker]

My best friend converted to Catholicism as a teenager. While her parents weren't atheist, they are almost violently anti Catholic. Her mother treated it as a phase and made the promise to the priest to make sure her daughter would be allowed to practice her faithbefore he agreed to baptize her. Her father would not go into her bedroom after her baptism because she hung a small holy picture of the B.V.M. over her door. And it hurt her (she would cry on my shoulder) but then resolutely tell me that she was Christ's child and wasn't going to take her visible reminders down because she felt they helped to remind her who she had become and she said she needed it. 

 

And then a few years later she applied to an active Religious Order. It went over badly. She suffered a great deal watching them suffer. They are now reconciled to this and send the Sisters care packages. They have no intention of EVER becoming Catholic but the joy and peace and kindness of the Sisters wore through their pain and now they are actually happy for her and proud of her. 

 

I've always been edified by her courage and steadfastness. So I hope it's okay to share even though it doesn't EXACTLY answer your request for a story. 

[Benedictus]

I'm sure this has been discussed before but does anyone have any experience of telling atheist parents about their intention to join a religious community? How did you approach it and how did they react?

 
I'd say it depends on how they feel about you being a practising Catholic. I think this could hint at their initial reactions, but they could still be unpredictable either way. My mother isn't Catholic and tends to avoid talking about church related issues, although she makes it fairly clear she'd never convert (but here's hoping!). She has some English Catholic bias, which is slowly fading but still exists. She knows I'm practising and is content it's my choice as long as it doesn't involve her. She knows I'm discerning but doesn't understand why I'd be interested in it, it baffles her although she doesn't want to learn about it.

My sister has been a great help at easing the way for me so if you can get a family member who can advocate or support you then it helps. I think some of the things that come is are the anxiety  issues around changed relationships: losing contact, being restricted from seeing you or that you'll be sent away overseas. Concerns I'd be locked up all day in squalid living conditions with little freedom are other misconceptions.

Of course not all of this is necessarily true but I guess people who don't have any insight into religious life can think the worst. So putting them at ease, making it clear you've thought it through and feel called to try it out are probably the best you can do. If they are willing to read about it then maybe give them a book or some information about the vocation you feel drawn towards. It may help them come around to supporting you, even if they don't agree with lots of it. 

[Anselm]

Well my father is rather anti-Catholic and my mother is quite vague about her opinions on the Church, but when I became an Anglican Seminarian they seemed to be more bemused than anything else and, though of course they know I'm now a Catholic, I suspect that they will be similar to your parents in not understanding why anyone would want to do it.

 

I'm similarly lucky to you, Benedictus, in that I have spoken at length to my brother about it and, while he too is an atheist, he is reasonably supportive. My other brother, however, will be livid when he hears. He describes himself as an 'atheist Anglican', which probably tells you all you need to know...

[AnneLine]

Well, Anselm, I can understand where you are coming from... and I will pray for you and your parents... all of you, for that matter.

 

I am a married lay woman who is in a Secular Order now, but in the 1980's I went into a pretty traditional community about 600 miles from where I lived.  I am an only child.   My parents... well... my father was Anglican-Episcopal, and my mother at that point was a pretty-well-fallen-away Catholic.  Actually had been chased out of the Church 40 years earlier by a really bad priest in a one-priest town in Nevada.   So... lots of drama, as you can imagine.  My parents had chosen to raise me as a generic 'Christian' with the idea that I could choose for myself when I got of age, if I wanted to.

 

Well... to everyone's surprise, I wanted to, and I wanted to become a Catholic... and did when I was 10.  After having to take instructions.... and in retrospect, I know it HAD to have been difficult for my mom... will provide more info if anyone is interested.

 

BUT, it was really hard for both of them.  The community was one of the active contemplative ones with the very restrictive policies for connecting with families (incoming & outgoing mail read, 1 phone call a month or 1 visit a month, 10 years before a home visit...).   At first, my dad in particular was convinced that they were hiding me in a basement somewhere and torturing me when he couldn't get contact on demand!  But both of them got resigned to the idea of my being there... and had I stayed, I think they would have been happy for ME while still grieving what had to have been pure loss for them.  It didn't help that I don't have siblings....

My mother ended up coming back to the Church, and we had the consolation of my bringing her communion through her final illness.  After her death, I found a journal entry from her explaining what it meant to her to come back to the Church, and to be able to receive communion.  She had previously told me that one of the reasons she finally came back was that I did NOT push her, and that I did NOT make her feel unloved or condemned.... and I would say a parallel experience with my father, although without his chosing to come back to the Church.  But I am convinced he also grew very close to God in his final years....

 

While most families eventually reconcile with the idea of religious life (and actually get happy when they see how happy YOU are!) I do know of some families where it was a deal breaker (like what you described,. Ima....)   The worst one was a cloistered Carmelite whose family told her that if she took her vows, they would refuse to have anything to do with her.  And they did.  I think they even sent her her baby photos ripped up.  It was really sad......

 

So, yeah, it can go either way, Anselm.... but God is here and He is working...

[Klarisse]

This isn't actually answering the questions, but I'm in a similar situation with my brother. My biggest concern is to avoid pushing him further away from the church; he's only slightly turned from militant atheism. If I entered a cloistered order, my brother might think I was acting immorally by cutting off the chance to help in family emergencies and attend funerals, therefore acting hypocritically. I wouldn't know how to respond, as I'm still wrestling with the 4th commandment's relation to such a commitment myself. He already views any type of religious life as a complete waste of my gifts.

 

My parents took it hard enough, and they're practicing Catholics. (Note to others: Poor Clare Colletine websites may not be the best way to introduce parents to the fact that you're discerning, even for parents who have fond memories of teaching sisters. Their reaction fit this article's first paragraph perfectly, with some attempts to guide me to dating or teaching on my Mom's part.)

[AnneLine]

Yeah.   Better something like the Summit Dominicans or something similar...

 

That's really hard, Klarisse...  made the same mistake before web pages by giving my father and mother a copy of My Beloved, The Story of a Carmelite Nun.   My father came home, fortified with several drinks, bellowing "What have I done wrong?  My daughter wants to live in a cell and sleep or boards!!!!!!!"

 

Have you seen this?  Might be worth reading and pondering for you right now... and perhaps sharing when the time is right....

 

http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/catholic_stories/cs0038.html

 

http://www.diocese-kcsj.org/content/vocations/consecrated_life/parents/a_letter_from__a_mother/

 

and... all of you might want to know.  A friend of mine is a postulant with the Friars Minor (OFM) (Franciscans).  He will be received as a novice on August 15!   He is a MUCH older vocation (in his 50's), and his family went BIZZURK!!!!!  when he told them what he was thinking of doing.   But he did it the right way, spending 1 year as a volunteer with them before even doing the applying. (Super important for someone who is older to be as sure as they can be that this is right....)    At one point he invited his VERY hostile mom down to spend a week at the California Mission where he was doing his year of service.  When she saw how happy he was, and how well he fit in... no more problems.  EVEN when she found out no home visits and minimal contact during novitiate year.   She's actually thrilled now.  Siblings still think he is an idiot.. hopefully they will come around....

So yes, it can and does change... but it is hard, hard, very hard at first..... and be kind and loving toward them... because while YOU are getting something new and wonderful and having a dream fulfilled... all they will see is losing you.

 

Holding you all in my prayers....

 

 

[AnneLine]

I like what Father David said in that article, btw, Klarisse, because he isn't pulling any punches. 

 

http://www.franciscanbrothersminor.com/FBM/Parents_and_their_Cloistered_Daughters.html

 

It IS tough for the families. 

Edited August 14, 2013 by AnneLine

[Benedictus]

Well my father is rather anti-Catholic and my mother is quite vague about her opinions on the Church, but when I became an Anglican Seminarian they seemed to be more bemused than anything else and, though of course they know I'm now a Catholic, I suspect that they will be similar to your parents in not understanding why anyone would want to do it.

 

I'm similarly lucky to you, Benedictus, in that I have spoken at length to my brother about it and, while he too is an atheist, he is reasonably supportive. My other brother, however, will be livid when he hears. He describes himself as an 'atheist Anglican', which probably tells you all you need to know...

It seem your brother maybe more of the challenge! I think we will always be asked 'why' by virtually everyone, either purely out of a desire to hear the our vocation story or simply to try and make sense of it. If I'm honest I didn't really need my siblings approval or understanding, although I hoped for it. I sort of guessed they'd ask questions but, on the whole, be fairly relaxed about it. They said they thought it would be hypocritical to try and put me off it because they don't know enough about it and also because they wouldn't like their choices to be disregarded or have some sort of emotional veto passed on them about who to marry, what jobs to do or how to run their lives from me.  .

I've come to realise, and it's taken a while, that family members often have mixed reasons why they support or oppose things. In my case I think my family have concerns about my welfare and happiness. But I also think families worry about how a religious vocation will impact their futures. My mother lives alone since my father past away and I'm the only one who lives locally. As I never married my siblings went on autopilot and left many things to me to sort out  -  I guess they worry they will need to do more if I make this choice. I also think my mother worries about isolation and advancing age, I guess she always thought I'd be available somehow. The feelings of guilt on these pointers are strong and I think this has impacted my discernment. It definitely means I have to be more sure before 'making a leap' and I also feel less inclined to join an institute that would take me overseas or live a life where I couldn't be more able to contact and help solve urgent family concerns.  Of course this isn't ideal, as I'm placing my own terms into the equation, and there's always the fear this limits what God could really be asking. 

When I attended a discernment group fairly regularly the issue of family and siblings issues come up a lot. I think when people had larger families with more children in the past it was easier to follow a religious vocation. It seems that the need to care for parents, manage family affairs, manage expectations, respond to negative assertions and so on can place delays for some people entering religious life, if they ever make it in at all.

Ultimately though I've come to think you have to do what you feel is right and will make you happy. Religious life should be a response to love and cultivate true happiness. If family members really want us to be happy, and think we are sincere, then thy should give us the chance. If they are atheist then they'd likely support the view that you should be happy in the one life you know you've got. If Jesus brings that fullness of life, love and joy to someone then, from a secular standpoint, what else is their to achieve?

[Kateri89]

Well my parents aren't atheists but they sure aren't devout Catholics either so they weren't thrilled when they found out I was discerning religious life.  My mom went back and forth between crying and trying to show me all the negative aspects of religious life.  My dad just said he supports whatever decision I make but I don't know how much he understands in regards to religious life.  We don't even talk about it anymore.  They have no idea that I have a spiritual director and are probably secretly hoping that I've given up on discernment.

 

Nothin I can do but pray for them.  I'm not a parent so I can't understand their perspective but I'm sure it would be difficult to know that your child might end up living far away with such limited contact for the rest of their life.  Each parent reacts differently so if you're telling them you're discerning religious life, just be as calm and gentle as possible and try to be understanding.

[Luigi]

Anselm -

 

I believe you've said previously that you were in the military. Did your parents accept that? Then compare religious life to military life: all male, living in common, in uniform, taking orders from a superior, a period of training, pursuing a common goal - but without the guns and all of that. You might even blame the military - you got used to that sort of life, and this is the next best thing (even though religious life is much more democratic than military life). In the US, the Army advertises with the slogan "Be all that you can be" (emphasizing training opportunities and the variety of exciting work like parachuting). The same applies to religious life - it will allow you to be all that you can be. 

[Anselm]

Ah, Luigi, well they were quite ambivalent about the military, though the rest of the family were very much in favour as most of my family have been in the Navy at some time.

 

On the gender front, there are women in the armed forces now and of course serving there doesn't bar one from marrying!

[Klarisse]

I like what Father David said in that article, btw, Klarisse, because he isn't pulling any punches.

http://www.franciscanbrothersminor.com/FBM/Parents_and_their_Cloistered_Daughters.html

It IS tough for the families.

 

AnneLine, thanks for those websites. I may send my parents to them at some point further in the discernment process. What Father David said really struck home because my parents' reactions were like a preview of how they'd react to my death. It made me realize that I need to factor their feelings in, too. On the other hand, I may very well be 60 or older before either of them dies, so I can't afford to delay just because they might need in-person or financial help that my brother couldn't/wouldn't want to give later on. Plus, living by myself for that long would be dangerous to my health. I think I just need to trust that God knows what is needed, so following his will is best. Convincing my brother of that will be the impossible part. :P

[abrideofChrist]

Wish I could help here.  Will pray for people in this situation.

[Gabriela]

Well, Anselm, I can understand where you are coming from... and I will pray for you and your parents... all of you, for that matter.

 

I am a married lay woman who is in a Secular Order now, but in the 1980's I went into a pretty traditional community about 600 miles from where I lived.  I am an only child.   My parents... well... my father was Anglican-Episcopal, and my mother at that point was a pretty-well-fallen-away Catholic.  Actually had been chased out of the Church 40 years earlier by a really bad priest in a one-priest town in Nevada.   So... lots of drama, as you can imagine.  My parents had chosen to raise me as a generic 'Christian' with the idea that I could choose for myself when I got of age, if I wanted to.

 

Well... to everyone's surprise, I wanted to, and I wanted to become a Catholic... and did when I was 10.  After having to take instructions.... and in retrospect, I know it HAD to have been difficult for my mom... will provide more info if anyone is interested.

 

BUT, it was really hard for both of them.  The community was one of the active contemplative ones with the very restrictive policies for connecting with families (incoming & outgoing mail read, 1 phone call a month or 1 visit a month, 10 years before a home visit...).   At first, my dad in particular was convinced that they were hiding me in a basement somewhere and torturing me when he couldn't get contact on demand!  But both of them got resigned to the idea of my being there... and had I stayed, I think they would have been happy for ME while still grieving what had to have been pure loss for them.  It didn't help that I don't have siblings....

My mother ended up coming back to the Church, and we had the consolation of my bringing her communion through her final illness.  After her death, I found a journal entry from her explaining what it meant to her to come back to the Church, and to be able to receive communion.  She had previously told me that one of the reasons she finally came back was that I did NOT push her, and that I did NOT make her feel unloved or condemned.... and I would say a parallel experience with my father, although without his chosing to come back to the Church.  But I am convinced he also grew very close to God in his final years....

 

While most families eventually reconcile with the idea of religious life (and actually get happy when they see how happy YOU are!) I do know of some families where it was a deal breaker (like what you described,. Ima....)   The worst one was a cloistered Carmelite whose family told her that if she took her vows, they would refuse to have anything to do with her.  And they did.  I think they even sent her her baby photos ripped up.  It was really sad......

 

So, yeah, it can go either way, Anselm.... but God is here and He is working...

 

This is a really inspiring story, AnneLine. Thank you for sharing! :-)