Nice Day For A Meltdown

[Maggyie]

This Sunday there was a baptism at Mass. I love a guerrilla attack like that- when it's a family baptism or something, I can prepare myself. But this was a sneak attack I did not see coming! I also made the mistake of sitting near the front so I couldn't duck out without making a big show.

 

I'm sick and tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling despair when I hear of someone else who has gotten pregnant on the first try/right after marriage/without trying/while trying to avoid conceiving. Which let's face it, is 99% of the world apparently.

 

I miss the old me who used to be happy for people, who used to love to coo at babies, not burst into tears on sight.

 

My husband says, let's make an appointment to talk to the priest! I say what's the point of wasting my time?? And the priest's time?? Father can't tell me WHY this has happened to me, the doctor can't tell me why, nobody can answer that question for me. Oh except God and He's not talking.

 

I'd like to know WHY God cooperates with the likes of Kim Kardashian, gay couples using a surrogate, and people who use a sperm donor but not me. I mean He's the author of life right? it won't work unless He chooses to give that child life? He gives them that gift even though they pry it out of His hands! But someone like me who struggles to do the right thing - nothing. What's all this carp about filling the hungry with good things??? My soul is starving. Go ahead and starve and see if I care, saith the Lord.

 

I'm putting this in the prayer room because I don't need replies. Let's be honest how can anyone feel anything but pity at this point. I would pity someone like me, too. What a piece of junk I am. But I had to type it out because I was going to blow up and I don't have anyone I can burden that with IRL. So why not burden the internets! yeah, sounds like a plan!!!