On Charity And Authenticity

[MissyP89]

I don't understand charity.

 

In fact, in the last little while I have genuinely grown to resent it. Perhaps it's a misunderstanding, or some selfishness in not wanting to do "the right thing" all the time. I don't know.

 

At home, sometimes I am criticized for the tone of my voice or the way that I smile, then called miserable or cranky on the days where I don't push out some pleasantry or kind word and opt for silence. Sometimes, my honest attempts to "be charitable" are seen as awkward at best and fake at worst.

 

The other day, I read something Mother Angelica wrote years ago on the subject. She said that her tongue almost had holes in it from biting it so much. She used to carry around a bottle of Tums and Maalox with her everywhere to deal with the incredible agitation that she held inside. Eventually, it manifested itself physically. But she let it tear her up anyway. Because Jesus. And because charity.

 

So often, I have turned down things I really, truly wanted in the name of giving someone else what they want instead. I do the supposed "right thing," put the other person first, and then am stuck with terrible sadness, bitterness or isolation. But that's OK, I tell myself in those moments. This is what charity is. You are supposed to feel this way. This is a little of purgatory on earth. You are doing well.

 

I don't feel like I am doing well.

 

Instead, I feel plastic and saccharine, constantly holding in the things I really feel in favor of politeness, love, self-sacrifice. I let people who have hurt me continue to exist in my life and even try to love on them the best I can, starting conversations I have no desire to have and giving hugs and smiles when the last thing I feel is glad to be with them. In one recent case in my family, that relationship is healing. That person is no longer actively bothering me, but I still boil inside whenever I find myself around them. 

 

I am tired of this inauthentic, stereotypical way of living. I no longer feel like me. But I feel like love and charity demand that I stop being "like me" and just be "like Jesus."

 

After all, I reason, looking at the crucifix, He loved the world so much that they killed Him and He never lifted a finger to stop that. And that is the example I've been told to follow.

 

Father says to continue to pray for those who hurt me, and continue to love them. He says that in time the feelings of pain and bitterness will fade. I am not so sure. 

 

I just want to be real. But it seems to me there is little room for realism and true expression of feelings in this walk. You can only express what you feel if your feelings are virtuous and moral and correct. If they're not? Well, keep your mouth shut. If you speak, you sin. So shut up and be holy.

 

Please pray for me. This is not the life I want to live.

[Era Might]

Becoming real is a long process, and takes a lot of painful experience and observation. Some of the things you describe will come easier as you flesh out what prudence is and how it works. I've recently discovered St. Ignatius of Loyola as a spirituality that suits me. One of the things he stresses is a form of detachment where you accept your circumstances and see the best in them. This is a different kind of detachment from, say, St. Francis, which is more about renunciation. It's helped me a lot to see my life in the terms that St. Ignatius did, I am a companion in the "Company" of Jesus, and everywhere I go is a sort of mission, but at the end of the day, I return to the company, to the circle around the Master, where I listen, learn, and love.

 

I have gone through everything you are describing, in some cases exactly what you are describing, and in some cases I still struggle. But what has given me a new perspective has been learning to learn my way of being in the world, rather than imprisoning myself in a mental construct. The kind of medieval spirituality that you are describing maybe does not suit you. The medievals had their own way of seeing and experiencing the world, shaped by the scholastic quest for order and structure in belief.

 

I think what you need is to find your way of being in the world, which you may find from discovering a Saint like Ignatius, or Francis, or whoever, and adopting their way of being in the world. That will give you the context in which to understand how you interact with others, how you differ from others, and how you can "translate" yourself into the world.

 

We are not meant to be "like Jesus," we are meant to be Jesus. Remember what he said to the Pharisess, how John the Baptist came fasting and doing penance, and they rejected him, but Christ came eating and drinking with sinners, and they rejected him too. Both of them had different ways of being in the world, and both played their role. Trying to please everyone is not going to work...so you have to learn to be yourself, and then you can begin to perfect your way of being in the world, perfect yourself, and in becoming yourself you can then become Christ.

[Basilisa Marie]

This probably isn't much help, but something that tends to help me is the knowledge that even Jesus flipped tables. He felt happy, sad, destitute, abandoned, angry, tempted, furious, tired, all of that.  Love and charity don't mean you stop being like you and be more like plastic sugar Jesus.  Love and charity mean you are striving to become the best, fullest version of yourself.  The way you live out charity is going to be different from the way those around you live out charity, and that's fine. 

[arfink]

:console: I'll pray for you. I don't have answers on this one, sorry. I'm sure I could spout plenty of the usual junk about charity and stuff, but that still doesn't make actually living in it suck less.

 

The only other thing I can add is, people who do not live or understand charity will abuse those who do try to live it. Charity does not require you to allow them to do that to you. Jesus didn't just endure crap from people. Any suffering He had, He explicitly allowed. And there were times in his life where He stood his ground, and told people to get lost.

[HisChildForever]

At home, sometimes I am criticized for the tone of my voice or the way that I smile, then called miserable or cranky on the days where I don't push out some pleasantry or kind word and opt for silence. Sometimes, my honest attempts to "be charitable" are seen as awkward at best and fake at worst.

 

People our age are stuck in a peculiar position. We're adults living at home - because of student loan debt, difficulty finding a job, whatever. I can't speak to your particular situation, but I'm going to assume that since you have a wedding to save up for (not to mention a house/apartment), it's frankly not practical to get your own place right now and use money you need to be saving for rent. Especially if your parents are more than happy to keep you. Anyway. Our parents will always see us as children, but more so when we're still living under their roof. One thing that always grates on my nerves is (on the rare occasion) I drive with my mom somewhere. She just can't help make comments. She's not trying to be mean or difficult, she's being a parent. But I've been driving on my own for 8 years now, and I've done a lot of driving on a variety of different roads in all sorts of weather conditions at all different times of the day and night. But I'm her kid. I wonder if it would be different if I didn't live with her. Maybe. I wish I could give you other examples but I can't think of any right now. I mean, if you were on your own, or with your husband, you wouldn't be passed off as "miserable" or "cranky" for having one of those days you just want to keep more or less to yourself. In other words, I don't think this particular situation has to do with charity.

 

I let people who have hurt me continue to exist in my life and even try to love on them the best I can, starting conversations I have no desire to have and giving hugs and smiles when the last thing I feel is glad to be with them. In one recent case in my family, that relationship is healing. That person is no longer actively bothering me, but I still boil inside whenever I find myself around them. 

 

We're supposed to love people unconditionally, yeah, but that doesn't mean we have to keep toxic people in our lives. Forgive, yes, but forget? Sometimes it's not healthy to forget. Don't force yourself to have conversations with people you don't want to have. That's not healthy for you - or for the other person either.

[Lil Red]

I know I have mentioned this book several times on phatmass, but it has been so helpful and instrumental to my life, that I can't help but share it again: "Facing Forgiveness: A Catholic's Guide to Letting Go of Anger and Welcoming Reconciliation". it's not just about forgiveness and anger, but gets me thinking about living a more authentic Catholic life - and especially this topic of loving and charity. If you can't afford it, I'll lend you my copy. For reals. 

[Era Might]

A sermon I watched the other day by Henri Nouwen, you might find helpful:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=v8U4V4aaNWk

[tinytherese]

I read somewhere that Jesus suffered on earth alright, but not unnecessarily. If we're not suffering for a healthy purpose and taking on burdens that are unreasonable and too much for us, then we shouldn't be doing it.

[AccountDeleted]

I don't know how to respond to this right now because, like you, I have been suffering a lot from other people's unkindness and trying very hard not to be angry or resentful or bitter about the pain and heartache this has caused.

 

I do remember once asking a priest how I could love those who were really evil (I lived in a terrible environment and simply couldn't find love for these people in my heart). He asked me if I could feel compassion for them and I said that I thought I could do that, and he told me that compassion is a form of love. Sometimes though, it's hard to even feel compassion for someone when you think they should accept responsibility for their actions.

 

I think forgiveness is more about trying not to carry things in our hearts that will hurt us even more, but when you are forced into continual contact with those who are causing the pain - it makes things very difficult.

 

I have no answers - but your questions are my questions too. How to be a 'good Christian' and to forgive and love others when they are the [ongoing] source of one's pain.

[beatitude]

I think it is good to remember that loving someone unconditionally does not mean giving them whatever they want or acceding to their wishes all the time.

 

Think of a parent with a child. It's obvious to see that it wouldn't be loving to give the child everything he or she ever asked for. The same applies equally well to our friends and family when we grow up.

 

The Bible tells us to 'speak the truth in love', and if you are tired or hurt or needing someone to act differently, sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to tell them. Tell them kindly, but tell them nonetheless.

 

Let the guiding question not be 'How can I accommodate this person/give them what they want?' but 'What is the most loving thing I can do under these circumstances?'. The two are very different questions. I think it helps to mediate on the examples of love given by Christ in the Gospels. He was loving to every single person whom he met, but that love clearly took different forms. "Simon, I have something to say to you." He loved that Pharisee, but he didn't shrink back from telling him the truth.

[Amppax]

A couple of things pop to mind.  

 

First, prayers.  Sounds like you're in a tough place, and I can't really offer much besides prayers for you.  I've been dealing with similar feelings this summer, at home with the family. I know something is wrong, but I don't know how to address it charitably.  So in a way, I can relate.  

 

Something to add though, is that charity =/= being nice.  Sometimes, being nice is the least loving thing you can do for a person.  Love is wanting the best for people.  As we all know from experience, what we want isn't always what is best for us.  

 

I wish I had more than that.  Just know I'm praying for you.  

 

 

 

[BG45]

Prayers, no real words of encouragement, because the last two days have essentially been filled with me biting my tongue due to "charity" offline with a houseguest, who is like a brother to me, but still had me on the verge of being seriously depressed.

[BarbTherese]

Becoming real is a long process, ...........................................

 

We are not meant to be "like Jesus," we are meant to be Jesus. Remember what he said to the Pharisess, how John the Baptist came fasting and doing penance, and they rejected him, but Christ came eating and drinking with sinners, and they rejected him too. Both of them had different ways of being in the world, and both played their role. Trying to please everyone is not going to work...so you have to learn to be yourself, and then you can begin to perfect your way of being in the world, perfect yourself, and in becoming yourself you can then become Christ.

 

Spot on: "becoming real IS a very long process, a lifelong process.

 

Being pleasing to everyone is not necessarily charitable and loving.  I think of my pilgrimage here as living my life, the various circumstances of my life, as Jesus would have live them were He actually going through them Himself here on earth -  and He was no gushing weakling (and not stating that you are !!!).  There are times to speak up and if one hashes a bit inside oneself one knows if one either had sound motivation in doing so, or uncharitable and unkind, selfish, motivation.  In the spiritual life, The Way of Jesus, there is much room - a needed quality - in doing what one thinks to be right and trusting in The Holy Spirit at all times.

 

Right or good moves are an opportunity to give thanks and praise to God.  Not so right or not so good moves are a time for humility (the foundation of ALL virtue) and claiming one's humanity.  We are faulted beings in our nature and the Good Lord loves us all to pieces anyway.  Honest efforts, and really trying, might not always bring about the results one is hoping for.  We trust in Divine Providence at all times and this is Peace and this is a Joy.  Honest efforts are pleasing to The Lord even when things do not turn out as hoped.

 

The Plan of The Lord generally and for us individually (especially in the details of our lives) is best described as mystery, to my mind.  It is not about what I can or cannot do.  It is about what Jesus can do in and through me if I only let Him continue His Life here in and through me.  How very humble He is!

 

No way would The Lord desire of you a feeling of being plastic and inauthentic, bitter and unhappy.  This is not the fruit of The Holy Spirit, no way - I keep coming back in these threads to the same factor : spiritual direction.  If you cannot find a spiritual director, you can make an appointment with your parish priest, even a series of appointments.

Edited August 3, 2013 by BarbaraTherese