Discernment Tips

[MarysLittleFlower]

I wasn't sure what to call this thread... Also, I hope it doesn't get archived right away like what's been happening lately :)

 

I realize the best way to get this answer is through prayer and spiritual direction. I also realize God truly knows the answer.. so I'm not expecting my discernment to be completely figured out as a result of this thread ;) but for the past couple years, this topic has been consistently coming back to me, no matter what I do. I'm hoping to talk to a priest but I might need to wait a bit.

 

I usually ramble a lot in my posts :P so I'll try to just get to the question:

 

How would a person know if God wants them to only belong to Him, and not marry? I know there are many threads on how to discern religious life... or consecrated life... or marriage... but I'm asking something that's for me a bit more foundational. (To me). I understand a big part of this discernment would be to 'try out' visiting religious orders, etc. I was also told that God works through the Church, so we're not alone in our discernment (which is good). But this question is always there - how does a person know if they're meant to be Jesus' bride, not someone else? Is attraction to this enough? or if they feel drawn to it and had some experiences in prayer? (which are discussed with an SD). I'm making this question more open-ended... any thoughts/quotes/etc would be appreciated! :) thanks so much! :)

[Sister Marie]

MarysLF... I'd be happy to talk to you on PM about this tomorrow... I'm getting tired so I don't think I can formulate a complete response right now but I'd be happy to share with you some of my own personal discernment tomorrow.

 

Know of my prayers regardless...SM

[Gabriela]

You are, in fact, not asking a more fundamental question than the question of discernment itself. Discernment is coming to know. The question of "how do you know?" is simply discernment itself.

 

It's hard, and it's different for everyone. I suggest you take up Sr. Marie on her offer, because I had no idea how I'd know until I listened to 35 sisters tell me how they knew. Once you've heard stories of how it can happen, you'll understand much better, even though the way it happens to you may not be anything like that.

 

The real (and only) answer to your question is: You'll just know. The same way you "just know" when you're in love. Until then, the main thing is to trust that God WILL let you know when it's time. And relax. :-)

[MarysLittleFlower]

MarysLF... I'd be happy to talk to you on PM about this tomorrow... I'm getting tired so I don't think I can formulate a complete response right now but I'd be happy to share with you some of my own personal discernment tomorrow.

 

Know of my prayers regardless...SM

Thanks so much Sr Marie! :)

 

You are, in fact, not asking a more fundamental question than the question of discernment itself. Discernment is coming to know. The question of "how do you know?" is simply discernment itself.

 

It's hard, and it's different for everyone. I suggest you take up Sr. Marie on her offer, because I had no idea how I'd know until I listened to 35 sisters tell me how they knew. Once you've heard stories of how it can happen, you'll understand much better, even though the way it happens to you may not be anything like that.

 

The real (and only) answer to your question is: You'll just know. The same way you "just know" when you're in love. Until then, the main thing is to trust that God WILL let you know when it's time. And relax. :-)

Thanks Curiousing :) there are times when I really feel like "I know". Then afterwards (not right away, but much later) I get a little afraid and start wondering if it's God's will too. Maybe that's the hardest part for me: how do I know, that His will is the same or different from what I feel. I'm praying and hopefully with time, and with spiritual direction, it would become more clear (and there are still things I need to do before actually pursuing a vocation, but I think God has been doing something in my heart for the past 4 years). Over time it's become something very important in my life... I don't mean specifically discernment to a particular vocation (like religious life vs. consecrated life) but the idea that both have in common: making to a total gift of self to God.

[VeniJesuAmorMi]

I can't find the exact quote, but I think it was Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta who was asked a similar question about how does one know and she replied, "she knows, she knows." Very simple and beautiful. :) We all have our own journey with Our Lord and I think maybe that in regards to wondering if one is being called by Our Lord to be His exclusively someone who has been offered and accepts this grace will know, at least at some point, that they couldn't give themselves to another. God doesn't like division, and I believe that in the case of one being completely His, He always asks for an undivided heart. So when someone discerning this questions, "is this just what I want or is this His will?" I think that those who have this desire, that it was put there from Him. I cannot doubt that my desire to give myself to Him was first my own choice, but Him asking me first. He is always so gentle and never forcing our will, so when He asks if we would give ourselves to Him we have to discern our choice also. So it may not be the question about is that just what I want or is it His will also, but rather during these times of doubt and questioning it could really be that we are discerning in our hearts if we are willing to choose this also and willing to say yes to what He is asking; to be His alone. Even if and when we do desire this, we still have so many attachments in our hearts and a need for purification to really be able to give Him ourselves completely. Its easy to say yes when we have feel good feelings, but when trials, doubts, temptations and other sufferings come around will we still be faithful to Him and not turn our hearts to things or to another? This stage of discernment is very good for spiritual maturity and detachment that we need to be able to truly be His alone; if we are faithful to prayer and living a virtuous life of course. Especially for those who have a religious vocation, because both maturity and detachment are so needed to be able to be faithful and persevere in the life. Even in the monastery, away from worldly things and other opportunities, we can still not give Him ourselves because if our hearts are still divided and attached to things that we go to sacrifice in the religious life then they still really hold us down. So this time could be very good preparation to be ready to live in religious life where we need to be prepared to make these sacrifices. Its so important to be on guard, especially with our hearts and to pray that we will always be faithful to Him.

 

I hope this made even just a little sense and maybe you found something helpful. Regardless, I am praying that it will be made clear to you what you must do. :)

 

 

[Gabriela]

Thanks so much Sr Marie! :)

 

Thanks Curiousing :) there are times when I really feel like "I know". Then afterwards (not right away, but much later) I get a little afraid and start wondering if it's God's will too. Maybe that's the hardest part for me: how do I know, that His will is the same or different from what I feel. I'm praying and hopefully with time, and with spiritual direction, it would become more clear (and there are still things I need to do before actually pursuing a vocation, but I think God has been doing something in my heart for the past 4 years). Over time it's become something very important in my life... I don't mean specifically discernment to a particular vocation (like religious life vs. consecrated life) but the idea that both have in common: making to a total gift of self to God.

 

Aha. In that case, I would suggest that you read Father Gallagher's books on the Ignatian Rules of Discernment.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thank you for the good responses! :)

 

 

[Eowyn]

Aha. In that case, I would suggest that you read Father Gallagher's books on the Ignatian Rules of Discernment.

Ahh, was going to suggest Father Gallagher.  His book on the discernment of spirits is awe.some.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Discernment-Spirits-Ignatian-Everyday-Living/dp/0824522915/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374701093&sr=1-1&keywords=father+timothy+gallagher

[Spem in alium]

This thread is of great help to me also. I'm following it :)

[VeniJesuAmorMi]

I can't find the exact quote, but I think it was Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta who was asked a similar question about how does one know and she replied, "she knows, she knows." Very simple and beautiful. :) We all have our own journey with Our Lord and I think maybe that in regards to wondering if one is being called by Our Lord to be His exclusively someone who has been offered and accepts this grace will know, at least at some point, that they couldn't give themselves to another. God doesn't like division, and I believe that in the case of one being completely His, He always asks for an undivided heart. So when someone discerning this questions, "is this just what I want or is this His will?" I think that those who have this desire, that it was put there from Him. I cannot doubt that my desire to give myself to Him was (correction: not) first my own choice, but Him asking me first. He is always so gentle and never forcing our will, so when He asks if we would give ourselves to Him we have to discern our choice also. So it may not be the question about is that just what I want or is it His will also, but rather during these times of doubt and questioning it could really be that we are discerning in our hearts if we are willing to choose this also and willing to say yes to what He is asking; to be His alone. Even if and when we do desire this, we still have so many attachments in our hearts and a need for purification to really be able to give Him ourselves completely. Its easy to say yes when we have feel good feelings, but when trials, doubts, temptations and other sufferings come around will we still be faithful to Him and not turn our hearts to things or to another? This stage of discernment is very good for spiritual maturity and detachment that we need to be able to truly be His alone; if we are faithful to prayer and living a virtuous life of course. Especially for those who have a religious vocation, because both maturity and detachment are so needed to be able to be faithful and persevere in the life. Even in the monastery, away from worldly things and other opportunities, we can still not give Him ourselves because if our hearts are still divided and attached to things that we go to sacrifice in the religious life then they still really hold us down. So this time could be very good preparation to be ready to live in religious life where we need to be prepared to make these sacrifices. Its so important to be on guard, especially with our hearts and to pray that we will always be faithful to Him.

 

I hope this made even just a little sense and maybe you found something helpful. Regardless, I am praying that it will be made clear to you what you must do. :)

 

I needed to correct myself in that sentence.

 

I noticed MarysLittleFlower that your a recent convert; I am also, just a little over 4 years ago on Holy Saturday. Praying for you in your discernment. Please pray for me also as I am in the contact stage with a community. Thanks so much! :)

[TheresaThoma]

So a few things that come to mind for me (in no particular order)

There are the 3 A's of a vocation, Attraction, Ability, and Acceptance. You have to have the attraction to that way of life, the ability (physically, mentally and spiritually) to live the life. The final "confirmation" is acceptance by the community. 

 

I think another common pitfall is "living too much in your head". We feel like we have to have everything figured out before we can act on anything. However this is not the case, it is immensely helpful to act and take a few baby steps. Get other people to help you, a SD and a community. Even if it is a community you are pretty sure you aren't called to getting their perspective is immensely helpful.

 

Finally you don't have to 100% certain, it is also very common to swing between certainty and doubt. Don't let that discourage you!

[Spem in alium]

A Sister whose Congregation I'm discerning with gave me a discernment booklet that's really helped me. I will share some points from it when I have more time :)

[thepiaheart]

Have you read And You are Christ's by Fr. Thomas Dubay? The book blew me away, and I think it answers your questions directly, very profoundly, and very practically.

 

(Edited to add: Fundamentally, his point is that a person grows into the consecrated way of life -- ultimately, yes, by means of her vocation, but the signs of it appear early on; a desire & draw for/toward infused contemplation and prayer, a desire to elevate your love to the level of the divine & to focus it entirely on Christ in what is fundamentally a spousal love (often religious will concentrate too heavily on vocation as work whereas vocation is a way of being, a being in love with Christ), etc. There's too much to share; it's a short book but super helpful.)

 

Prayers & pax Christi to you!

Edited July 25, 2013 by thepiaheart

[inperpetuity]

I found this discernment page extremely helpful although I am not discerning with these sisters:  http://www.stceciliasabbey.org.uk/page-vocationmatters.html

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thanks everyone! :) those are all great ideas!

 

I should clarify perhaps, I'm not wondering about discernment to religious life in particular, but how to know if Jesus is calling a person to only have Him as their Beloved and not marry anyone. This can include various vocations such as consecrated virginity, religious life, etc.