Annie12 Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 So, since I have started my preparation for Total Consecration to Mary, I have tried harder than I ever have to love people as Jesus does and to rid myself of the spirit of the world and all that jazz. Well, a few months ago I was quite rude to a guy who was perusing me :paperbag: . So, in the spirit of things, I decided it would be a good idea to be nice to him so that he would know I didn't hate his guts (because he was actually really quite nice to me). So, I ended up talking with him. It ended up being quite a while and now I think he believes I am interested in him. I don't know how to handle this situation because I care about him as I would any friend but not in the way he thinks I do. Simultaneously, I have been thinking about religious life again. I'm not officially discerning again, but I feel like I am caught in a very sticky place where there are no easy answers. I don't want to lead him on and I don't want to hurt him. My top priority is to love Jesus fully and unconditionally but I'm not sure how that applies to this situation. I'm wrestling with questions like " Should I give him a chance?" "am I leading him on?" "is God calling me too religious life?" and "does God have a different man in mind for me?". I know when I see him again he is going to have the expectation that I am okay with his advances. I don't know how to handle this. I have prayed about it but I am to anxious to hear God. I was hoping some of you might have seen a situation like this through to the other side and would be able to offer some words of wisdom. Thank you and God bless! :saint2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Flower Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 Oh my gosh I totally relate to what you are saying. There are people on here who know me in real life so I don't want to say too much, but I have a similar situation! If you aren't attracted to him, I personally don't know why you would "give him a chance" and date him, just sounds like a way for both of you to end up hurt, but of course I have no experience whatsoever in that regard. What I am trying to build up the courage to do (and of course my advice to you) is to maybe email him (less intimidating) or if you are really courageous say it face to face, and basically say, "Hey, I was really rude to you a while back, and I just wanted to let you know that I am really sorry for that. I know I hurt you in the past by being rude, I don't want to hurt you again by accidentally leading you on; I don't "like" you that way, but I wanted to apologize for my actions in the past" and if you really do want to be friends with him, then add something about asking if you can be friends? So anyhow something to that effect is what I am trying to get up the courage to say to a guy. I'm not sure if I really want to be friends with him, because he clearly likes me and it makes it sooo awkward to be around him. But I also kind of feel like I owe it to him, because he really is a nice guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sister Marie Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 Why do you think he is interested now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie12 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 Why do you think he is interested now? It's incredibly obvious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Feankie Posted July 16, 2013 Share Posted July 16, 2013 My question is this....why "give him a chance"? Where does that come from? Does a part of you really want to go out with him and you're sublimating the idea? Has he even asked you out yet? If not, don't jump the gun and assume that's going to happen. If it does, you can always answer him by saying something like " I appreciate the conversations we've had and want you to know that I'm very sorry for the rude things I said to you in the past. But I'm trying to sort through some things in my life right now and would like to keep our relationship friend-to-friend." Or something along those lines. I don't know your age or circumstances, but those play a big part on how to craft your answer. Also, don't find yourself in a situation where the two of you would be alone as that sends mixed messages. It's better to tell this guy the truth up front. Then it's his decision whether or not he wants to keep the relationship platonic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie12 Posted July 16, 2013 Author Share Posted July 16, 2013 Basically, a series of unintelligent decisions has led me to a place where he has expressed that he wants to know me better. He hasn't been so upfront as to ask me out but it wouldn't surprise me at all if he did. I think the reason why the thought of "giving him a chance" crossed my mind was probably because of the times we have had conversations alone. It probably scrambled my feelings a bit. But, when ever I really think about it, "giving him a chance" would be a terrible idea. I don't know how to effectively distance myself from him without seeming rude. I think this is the major issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheresaThoma Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 Something to keep in mind when dealing with guys, they do not get hints at all. Be straight forward with him and then make sure your actions match what you are says (ie not meeting him one on one, but just in group settings.) Set up some clear simple boundaries and I think you will find you will enjoy your friendship much more because you won't be worrying about him taking things the wrong way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inperpetuity Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 (edited) I don't want to lead him on and I don't want to hurt him. Then don't! Let your no mean no, and your yes mean yes! Edited July 17, 2013 by inperpetuity Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Feankie Posted July 17, 2013 Share Posted July 17, 2013 I agree. Men think on an entirely different wavelength than women. Boundaries are very important ...as long as you don't cross them or let the guy (or anyone else for that matter) cross them. Pray about them, set them, and stick to them no matter what. If you step over the line once, it'll be much easier to do it again and again and again. If you find you can't handle a specific situation or person, don't allow yourself to get in a pickle in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarysLittleFlower Posted July 18, 2013 Share Posted July 18, 2013 (edited) I think it could be confusing for you to spend time alone with him, even in a casual friendly situation. Do you have friends in common? Sometimes it could make sense to only meet up in a group, and only sometimes, not often, or to not meet at all. I also agree with what others said about clarifying the situation, but you'd need to choose the right wording and time so it's not awkward :) At one point I got confused too because I was spending some time with a guy and ended up having feelings for him while also discerning my vocation, and yea that wasn't fun... it helped to spend some time in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament and limiting time with the guy. But as for him, I think sometimes the only thing to do is to clarify, because guys do think differently than girls! Edited July 18, 2013 by MarysLittleFlower Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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