Doubts Of The Faith

[To Jesus Through Mary]

I have found myself seriously doubting my faith lately. I have had some very disturbing run-ins with a priest and the reporting process of a diocese, leaving the convent, watching scandal after scandal break in the Church, seeing the wreck the diocese is here, and many personal changes, decisions, and trials. The latest change has moved me from NYC as a missionary to Ohio unemployed (I need a job so bad). I went from being surrounded by amazing Catholics- almost a Catholic bubble- to being the lone Catholic in household. I still attend daily Mass, but am just starting to see it as futile. I am starting to go to young adult events, but am finding it hard to “click” … As I have struggled with these doubts: is the Church just a man made Institution? How did She fall so greatly? Is Jesus really present in the Blessed Sacrament?   Was my faith mine, or just the people around me in the convent and NYC- if not why do I have so many doubts and faltering so much? I think reason can lead us to the reality of a high being… but I am tired of quote history and tradition as markings of authenticity. After all the Muslims, Buddhists, and Hindus have history.  Not that I am considering converting to one of those, just the point of it. How can I go from proclaiming that the Church is the one true Church to this, if my faith was actually my own? Have I just dedicated the last 5 years of my life to Church for no reason? Is my family right after all?

 

These have left me sleepless. Have any of you ever struggled with this? How did you pull through it?  My faith, hope, and charity are obviously lacking and I know that these are theology virtues. So if it is a gift from God, why is it lacking so much?  I know this might just sound like a pity-party. And perhaps part of this is. But I am seriously seeking. Maybe there are no real tangible answers. I am just at a loss. 

 

 

[Kateri89]

Well first, I know that I've gone through rough points like this as well where I question everything and am full of doubt.  At the present moment, my faith isn't so shaky though so let me reassure you that it can get better.

 

Ask yourself first, do you believe that God exists? Regardless of religion, if you answer yes to that then start praying even if it's the last thing you want to do.  Satan knows that with all of this discouragement in your life, it is prime time to tear you down.  Don't let him.  Pray and when you do, pray sincerely.  Tell God about all of your fears and doubts and how much of a struggle it is and then beg Him to help you. I remember reading a book "Left to Tell" by Immaculee Ilibagiza (you may have heard of it) where she was in hiding during the Rwandan genocide and even though she was brought up in a devoutly Catholic home, she had serious doubts just like you.  But she begged God, asking Him to save her if He was really there and He did.  She said that even when she struggled just to pray, she would ask Him to help her and He would.  It's so important when you feel this way not to avoid prayer but to persevere in it.

 

The second thing I would mention is about all of the scandal you referred to.  Every time I hear about another issue in the Church, I feel discouraged as well but I remind myself that the Church has gone through peaks and troughs in the past.  "Do as I say, not as I do".  The teachings of the Church are true even if the people representing the Church mess up big time.  If someone tells you that drinking and driving is wrong and then they get a DUI, they are a hypocrite but what they said still holds true.  It's the same for the Church.

 

Fellowship is important, but the people around you can let you down.  Jesus is unchanging and perfect though and you can always depend on Him.  Ask Him to help you trust Him and lean on Him.  I have no idea if anything I've said is helpful to you but I can promise that I'll pray for you because I know the feeling when life throws these curveballs at you and I hate to see others struggle with it too.

[Ash Wednesday]

It sounds like you have a lot to sift through. Faith will ebb and flow. The greatest saints endured many dark knights and doubted everything. The Church has been through good times and bad, and there's no doubt that times now for the church are very, very bad.

 

And in the end, faith is a leap you do have to take, and a choice one has to make. Some days that's easier than others. I went from being surrounded by a tight-knit parish and network of good friends and Catholics I grew up with and a church I could attend adoration on a regular basis, to moving away to a secular country (UK) where religion is mocked and I'm often left feeling very disconnected and alone. I'm saddled with a backbreaking work schedule that makes involvement outside of weekly mass next to impossible. It's a greater struggle, and I can see why some people fall away. I guess for me, God has me by the strings of my heart and won't let go.

 

You probably are going through a time where the apron strings have been cut and you do have to determine how you stand on your own. Every priest I've spoken to has always said, just keep on praying. Whatever you do. Keep on praying, "even if it's just one word long, HELP!"

Edited June 29, 2013 by Ash Wednesday

[Lilllabettt]

I read something in Ratzinger's Introduction to Christianity that has always comforted me:  There is no faith without doubt; a person who chooses to go on believing in the face of doubt has more faith than someone who is "sure." The image he used for that was a man lashed to a cross, afloat on a raging sea.
 

[Ash Wednesday]

Dark nights. Not dark knights. Sorry about that. You could probably gather that I wasn't talking about Batman.

[Apotheoun]

The Church - as the Body of Christ - is holy and pure, but in her individual members she is always in need of purification. I remind myself of that whenever I feel down about the present state of the Church and the world. Glory to God for all things.

[add]

I have finally found a way to live just like I never could before
I know that I don't have much to give, but I can open any door
Everybody knows the secret, everybody knows the score, yeah
I have finally found a way to live in the colour of the Lord

I have finally found a place to live just like I never could before
And I know I don't have much to give, but soon I'll open any door
Everybody knows the secret, everybody knows the score
I have finally found a place to live, oh, in the presence of the Lord
In the presence of the Lord

I have finally found a way to live, just like I never could before
And I know I don't have much to give, but I can open any door
Everybody knows the secret, I said everybody knows the score
I have finally found a way to live in the colour of the Lord
In the colour of the Lord

[To Jesus Through Mary]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I have read and reread them. Thank you.

 

I never thought I would be actually questioning my decision to come into the Church and contemplating leaving. I don't know if I actually could, but dang it is a bleak time. I just don't know how in the world I would be able to get through Mass tomorrow. I went today and I cannot even begin to tell you how hard it was for me to not walk out. There is lot to this story but I will leave it with I was deeply hurt by a priest several years ago and recently had to deal a bit with it again. I found myself angry at the priest celebrating Mass. He had nothing to do with anything, yet I found myself so angry and disgusted. Yet so many corrupt priests and bishops out there- aren't Holy Orders supposed to ontologically change them? I mean I know I hear things like "Don't leave Peter over Judas" but have you noticed how many Judas' there are in the Church? Was the Church ever the Pillar of Truth it was supposed to be? 

 

 

Dark nights. Not dark knights. Sorry about that. You could probably gather that I wasn't talking about Batman.

Ok this made me lol. 

[ChristinaTherese]

I don't really have much experience with really strong doubts, although I struggled with them as a child shortly after my baptism (maybe shortly after I had first mortally sinned, but I was an 8 or 9 year old protestant and didn't think of that). But I would recommend Adoration if you can get there. It might seem counter intuitive, but if you go into Adoration and try to pray even just "If you exist, God, show me/give me faith." or "Lord, I believe [if that's true], help my unbelief." it might help. Also, I would recommend frequent reception of the sacraments of Confession and the Eucharist if you can receive them worthily (and for Confession I guess that just means honestly, so faith would have to come first, but if you have any I would strongly recommend it). But I don't really know. I'll try to (as in, try to remember (I should start writing these down again)) pray for you. :console: :nunpray:

Edited June 29, 2013 by Christina Thérèse

[AnneLine]

Just found this thread - it's been hard to get onto Phatmass the last few days.

 

Praying hard for you, TJTM -- this is a rough a thing to have happen in your faith journey.  Often in the long run it is a GOOD thing to work through this, but it is HARD while it is going on.   Just do what you can do... even if you don't feel connected with God, my gut says you are connected with God.  Just hurt & confused & angry.  

 

I think you've gotten some wonderful advice from everyone.  Remember that feelings are just that... they aren't reality.   The reality is that it IS good to go to mass & confession, even if they don't always feel good.  

 

If you want to connect by PM, I'm around.... and I bet all of us are for you.  

 

 

 

 

[ChristinaTherese]

One more thing: Why not post this in the Prayer Room? I thought of doing it, but I'd rather let you do it yourself if you want to and leave the choice up to you.

[MissyP89]

I wish you were back East so we could have a few and I could hug you. For now, take this: :console:

 

I didn't read any of the replies, but I can tell you that what you're experiencing is far from unusual or even "bad." Think about everything you've gone through in the last few years, and even just this year. You've had so much on your back. I don't think anyone expects you to come away from that like nothing ever happened and that everything is fine.

 

For me, it seems like all I can ever do is struggle. I'm always confused and doubtful. Always. I can't ever remember a time in my faith life -- Protestant or Catholic -- that I wasn't full of doubt and fear.

 

Sometimes I feel like you. There have been moments where people in the Church have hurt me deeply, even priests. I try to remember that they are just people. Yes, they have a special role and their souls have changed, but that doesn't turn them into saints, unfortunately. And yes, a lot of dioceses are messes now. That, too, is because a bunch of imperfect humans are in charge.

 

Think of it this way: if the Church is the source of all graces, doesn't it make sense that it would be constantly attacked? We Christians are a source of good and love and light in a very dark world. If there is truly a devil and a hell, then he would do everything to try to tear us apart. You moved because of children that need your love very badly. You are a light for them and for your family. You are helping to show them the love of God. Maybe that is a part of why you're struggling now.

 

I am alone like you. My family doesn't practice their faith, and in the early years there were lots of arguments and it was so hard. I remember so many nights yelling at God and wondering why He left me all alone.

 

But then I went away to college and I was blessed to surround myself with a good Catholic community. Now, I have Brian and his family. It is still not easy and I pray all the time for my family. Looking back, though, God heard those prayers and eventually He DID send me the support I needed so badly. It took time. I know how wonderful the community is in New York, so I can't imagine what a big change that must be, but hang in there. Adjusting takes time. Friendships take time.

 

And about your doubts ... for now, try to focus on the things that you feel comfortable with. You might be struggling with the Church as an institution, but are you still interested in the Bible or the rosary? Sometimes it helps to strip your faith down to the essentials while you work things out. Keep going to Mass on Sundays, but take the time to be honest with Jesus and Our Lady about your feelings. I bet their hearts are broken like yours because of all the pain our Church is in. Lean on them. Have patience with yourself. 

 

If it encourages you at all, a lot of times when you are really struggling, it means that a growth spurt is coming. Hang in there. No matter what, this will make you stronger. And you are already so strong.

 

I'm praying for you, friend. I'll ask Mama Mary to hold you through all of this. If you ever want to talk, you can always call me. :flowers:

Edited June 30, 2013 by MissyP89

[add]

Everyone has moments of doubt and pain

[add]

Everyone moment of doubt and pain...
It's a test

[CatholicCid]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I have read and reread them. Thank you.

 

I never thought I would be actually questioning my decision to come into the Church and contemplating leaving. I don't know if I actually could, but dang it is a bleak time. I just don't know how in the world I would be able to get through Mass tomorrow. I went today and I cannot even begin to tell you how hard it was for me to not walk out. There is lot to this story but I will leave it with I was deeply hurt by a priest several years ago and recently had to deal a bit with it again. I found myself angry at the priest celebrating Mass. He had nothing to do with anything, yet I found myself so angry and disgusted. Yet so many corrupt priests and bishops out there- aren't Holy Orders supposed to ontologically change them? I mean I know I hear things like "Don't leave Peter over Judas" but have you noticed how many Judas' there are in the Church? Was the Church ever the Pillar of Truth it was supposed to be? 

Holy Orders does ontologically change a person, as does Baptism and Confirmation. But, this doesn't prevent any of us who have received any or all of these three Sacraments from falling again and again into sin. As Apotheon mentioned, the Church is holy, but Her members are constantly in need of purification and reconciliation.

 

You had mentioned leaving a convent and working as a missionary. As someone who also has worked with the Church in an intimate way, I think those who do so are truly put to the test by what they've seen. By working with the Church in such a manner, you truly see the human-ness of the Church. Yet, the thought that must prevail is that it is, ultimately, Christ's Church. With 2,000 years of the corruption and sinfullness of Her individual members, She is still truly Christ's Church. Regardless of how hard we try, our sinfullness has not destroyed Her. When I have such similar doubts, that is my consolation. The Church remains, even when it doesn't seem possible.

 

Perhaps, in your prayer, contemplate Christ crucified. Unite this bleak period in your life with the utter and unfathomable bleakness and suffering that Christ endured for all of us, especially yourself, on the cross. It might not break your bleakness, but, perhaps, it will give you strength as you carry on.