Let It All Hang Out

[Lil Red]

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all (or just post pony pictures). That should be a giant banner pinned to the top of every board of Phatmass.

 

while that totally made me lol, i don't think being dismissive of how people feel is a good way to go either. (and I'm not trying to be dismissive of people's feelings here in this thread, i'm truly not!! i swear it. :) if you think i am, or you think i'm sounding like it, please say something so i can clarify! )

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

while that totally made me lol, i don't think being dismissive of how people feel is a good way to go either. (and I'm not trying to be dismissive of people's feelings here in this thread, i'm truly not!! i swear it. :) if you think i am, or you think i'm sounding like it, please say something so i can clarify! )

 

Oh, no, I wasn't referencing this at you. Haha! It was more pointed toward people witch hunting Franny. But it's good that everyone is discussing their feelings openly right now without getting mad and stuff.
 

[Lil Red]

I have never asked her for an apology. The only reason I asked if this thread WAS an apology of sorts was because I was having a hard time understanding her underlying message.

 

 

okay. thanks for clarifying :)

 

 

I was being serious.

In any situation where there is tension, it is difficult to step outside of yourself and look at the conversation from an outsiders view; to look at it from a different perspective. Like you said very well (which is why I used the same language), we ALL need to be willing to be willing. If not, where does that leave us?  Its hard. I smell of elderberries at it, but I will ALWAYS try. Always.

When I get fed up and crazy, its usually my last resort...and Im not proud of it, but I struggle like everyone else, but it is NOT an excuse. I have no excuse to be rude and I will not offer any. 

 

 

 

thank you for letting me know. for reals, i didn't know how to take what you said. so i'm glad i asked :) i struggle (as it has been painfully pointed out to me) a lot as well. adding in that i have a very short leash on my temper, and ah well, there you have the main reason for most of my blow-ups. :P

And while this is my personal prospective, I have noticed a huge difference in how you address me LilRed. We have had our tension in the past, but the fact that youre openly communicating with me right now has probably made my entire day.   :bounce:

 

 

like i said, i'm trying to be willing to be open to others. i'm hopeful that you & i, and others, can communicate better with each other. :)

[Lil Red]

Oh, no, I wasn't referencing this at you. Haha! It was more pointed toward people witch hunting Franny. But it's good that everyone is discussing their feelings openly right now without getting mad and stuff.
 

 

let's just keep trying :) it's good to ask people to clarify without getting upset first and blowing a gasket and then look foolish for doing so (this is more a reminder to myself LOL). 

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

let's just keep trying :) it's good to ask people to clarify without getting upset first and blowing a gasket and then look foolish for doing so (this is more a reminder to myself LOL). 

I've done that too many times to count. Haha :)

 

[CrossCuT]

As long as both parties are open and willing, you can see already how well it is turning out.

 

Props for everyone! Or margaritas. 

[Lil Red]

yes, drinks! 

[CrossCuT]

Maybe Ill do that tonight. Ill have to pick up some Riesling.

Because when it comes to wine, I like to drink stuff that tastes like bubbly juice. 

Edited June 22, 2013 by CrossCuT

[Noel's angel]

http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/topic/129920-blaming-others-can-ruin-your-health/

 

[God the Father]

Thread makes no sense from start to finish

[Lil Red]

Thread makes no sense from start to finish

 

you're welcome. :|

[IcePrincessKRS]

Thread makes no sense from start to finish

 

I'm pretty sure the thread started as a point of self-reflection. Not about anyone else but the author. People got confused. It happens.

[arfink]

I'll raise a glass. Diet Coke for me, the black waters of American imperialism. So delicious. :drool:

[MissScripture]

I don't even know where to begin with this except in the very middle. Recently in my life (and really, quite often in my life) I've been in a place emotionally and spiritually where to be anything but gut-level honest with another human being is a threat to my existence. I have been forced to talk about the things we often don't, to get real about the things I'd rather not, to say the things that make both the speaker and the listener uncomfortable. Or so I thought.

The truth is this: it's not so bad. In fact, it's quite wonderful.

If I'm being honest (and I am), I would say there's never been too much of a fiddler with me. I'll lay it all there -- ugly, pathetic, obnoxious, whatever. I let it all hang out, even though I'm sensitive and care very much what other people think of me. (Yes, I'm working on it.) Conscious or not, it is what it is. Rather, I am who I am and pretty much everyone knows it. No hiding in the shadows here, much as I might like sometimes.

I -- like many, I imagine -- take on different "personas" depending on where I am and who I'm with -- but not to the extent I used to and perhaps not to the extent some may. I feel lucky that I have a hard time hiding some of myself from people; it's a serious grace that saves me much discomfort. But still, there were parts of my life I did not bring with me into my parish (Bible study, youth group, retreats, etc), school, home, work, etc. Every piece had its own information about my life and my person and while none of them were dishonest, exactly, none of them were whole. I allowed people only to see the parts I believed worthy of sight and kept the other things locked in my head.

Though not always fully conscious of the negative mental, emotional and spiritual weight that carried, there was a nearly constant struggle in life. I struggled to know where I belonged, with whom I could really speak, to feel a part of any community or group. I often cried in frustration and anger and didn't know WHY. I just couldn't hold it together anymore. I'd pull over to the side of the road or tuck into my closet or crawl into my bed. And of course no one knew. I never told anyone I was doing these things, I just did them. Because I had to. Because my life depended on it.

Yes, I've been to therapists and psychiatrists and every other person imaginable to talk about these things. But the truth remains that I was never a whole person with anyone in my life. And it caused me more pain, I know now, than being honest about who I am and where I'm at, ever could have caused.

My point: I think we hide too much. I think we value manners more than we should. I think we are killing ourselves.

Do I share every intimate detail of my life with everyone I meet? No. But I'm gut-level honest with at least two people. ABOUT EVERYTHING. About when I struggle to understand even though I believe. I fight my anger and frustration and desperation to find words to convey the feeling of being lost and alone in spirituality, desperately wanting to believe in some moving and powerful and overwhelming way the things everyone around me seems to accept like sunshine or water or electricity. I continue speaking even when fear grips my heart so that I'm not alone in my grief over not being able to shop for food. So that when I stand there in the grocery store unable to move, frozen in this place of indecision over whole carrots or baby carrots and all I can think is WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE A NORMAL PERSON, I'm not alone. I don't FEEL alone. I can say, "Yep, this is an issue for me. But it's okay. And when I'm ready, I can walk away and I can shop or not. I can go home or not. And it's okay. No judgement."

Because those things are true. And I only know it -- believe it -- because I was able to share that with someone else. And instead of saying, "Wow. You're really insane, aren't you," I get a reassuring smile and a, "Call me and we'll go together. Laughter is the best distraction."

The truth is I'm not a perfect Catholic. I'm a flawed person with conflicting thoughts and emotions. I struggle nearly daily. I've led an "interesting" life and I rarely have the answers. I feel almost every day like I'm making things up as I go along, like I'll never have life down to quite the science everyone around me seems to. I curse when I don't mean to, I forget everything, I struggle to know what to do with my life even though I've been listening for answers for ten years. I gossip, judge, and get angry over trivial things. I often envy people and want for things I don't need. I cling to resentment like I'd have no life without it. I exist in my life the way people tell me I do or should without thinking, though less now than ever.

I am dramatic and loud and ridiculous. But I am also quiet, reflective, and giving. Those things are the whole me and none of them need to be discounted, judged, labeled, discarded. I can be zany and crazy and fun. I can be professional and focused and sharp. I can be ME because I am all of those things. We all are.

Sometimes when I come to phatmass I lose my joy. Part of that is my own fault: I've harbored resentment and anger and frustration for years. I've begun to let that go and already it feels better. But part of that is the ¬feeling of ... well, not dishonesty, necessarily, but a lack of authenticity for fear of scandalizing. And yet, in my mind, what's more scandalous is our inability to be real. Our inability to say what's really going on. As a community I think we often fail to support each other in truly authentic ways. The ways that use our faith as a guide but which employ modes of action or being which speak to human nature. We lose the person in the texts and ultimately lose ourselves to a faith we will never understand.

I am positive little of the above has made sense. Well, except for the part where I tell you what you already know: that I'm insane.

I guess the tl;dr of this is what follows:
Sometimes I'm going to come here and I'm going to say things that are going to shock you. But only because you forget that I'm human and therefore flawed. Because you've forgotten that I, franciscanheart, will almost always choose the ugly truth over polite or proper replies. Because you prefer to look only at perfection and not reality.

I believe we have to look at where we are to know where we're going. We have to know what is before we can know what can be.

This post really gave me a lot to think about. Thank you for that. It probably prevented me from spending gobs of money while wandering Hobby Lobby last night.  ;)

 

In some ways, I've been thinking about this a lot recently. We are starting to make friends with the people who live around us, and as someone who has always had a hard time making friends, I get nervous about how much of myself I can show to other people. And then I struggle with trying to figure out what is more important to me, having people I can call friends, or being able to be myself. And that has led me to think about the people I have felt the most connection with in my life. It was always the people who let me see the real them. They let me share their brokenness and they shared mine, and in that brokenness they showed me what made them human and allowed me to be human too, with all my flaws and imperfections. In the end, many of those friendships didn't last, either because of disagreements and upsets or time and distance, but I can see what a difference they've made in my life, now.

 

Those people really helped me to be who I actually am and inspired me to be a better person, because they loved me where I was at, then. And they showed me that it's normal to struggle and it was okay to make mistakes. And some of those things didn't sink in until years later, but they still made a huge difference. I will never forget the day I went to babysit for a family and the mom practically ran out of the house as soon as I got there because she was so excited to be able to leave the house by herself and have adult conversations. At the time, I was somewhat surprised by how excited she was. I knew how much she loved being a stay-at-home-mom and adored her kids. After I had the kiddo, I understood and felt soooo much better about myself knowing it was normal and okay to not want to spend every minute with your kids. Even saying that sounds kind of dumb, but so many times in life it feels like everyone else has everything figured out and is doing things so perfectly and never has those moments where they just need to get away from everything or they will explode. 

 

While it's possible in day-to-day life to hide a lot from others, I think the internet makes it so much easier to show only what we want others to see. We don't have to worry about these people coming into our house and seeing the mess in the living room, or our dirty dishes or catching a glimpse of that ratty teddy bear we still sleep with every night. We can claim to be who we want to be. We can do our best to hide our scars and bruises. But in doing so we're losing out. We're denying ourselves help and support, and we're denying others the chance to help us and learn from us. Being authentic is definitely something I need to work on, both in real life and online. I used to be much better at it, but over the years I've built walls and am just now coming to terms with things that happened to me so I can. Part of this is because I'm again trying to figure out who I am, in light of those things and the ways those scars have manifested themselves in my life. 

 

But through it all, I know that I am human, too. I have wounds and flaws, just like everyone else. And I know that is something I need to remember when I interact with other people. Regardless of if that other person acknowledges it or not, they are broken, too. I am no better than they are, and despite any facade, they aren't perfect, either. 

 

Also, that OP made me think of this song: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fh_fSNz6NvQ

[Chestertonian]

I'll raise a glass. Diet Coke for me, the black waters of American imperialism. So delicious. :drool:

 

Diet Pepsi is better.