Let It All Hang Out

[franciscanheart]

I don't even know where to begin with this except in the very middle. Recently in my life (and really, quite often in my life) I've been in a place emotionally and spiritually where to be anything but gut-level honest with another human being is a threat to my existence. I have been forced to talk about the things we often don't, to get real about the things I'd rather not, to say the things that make both the speaker and the listener uncomfortable. Or so I thought.

The truth is this: it's not so bad. In fact, it's quite wonderful.

If I'm being honest (and I am), I would say there's never been too much of a filter with me. I'll lay it all there -- ugly, pathetic, obnoxious, whatever. I let it all hang out, even though I'm sensitive and care very much what other people think of me. (Yes, I'm working on it.) Conscious or not, it is what it is. Rather, I am who I am and pretty much everyone knows it. No hiding in the shadows here, much as I might like sometimes.

I -- like many, I imagine -- take on different "personas" depending on where I am and who I'm with -- but not to the extent I used to and perhaps not to the extent some may. I feel lucky that I have a hard time hiding some of myself from people; it's a serious grace that saves me much discomfort. But still, there were parts of my life I did not bring with me into my parish (Bible study, youth group, retreats, etc), school, home, work, etc. Every piece had its own information about my life and my person and while none of them were dishonest, exactly, none of them were whole. I allowed people only to see the parts I believed worthy of sight and kept the other things locked in my head.

Though not always fully conscious of the negative mental, emotional and spiritual weight that carried, there was a nearly constant struggle in life. I struggled to know where I belonged, with whom I could really speak, to feel a part of any community or group. I often cried in frustration and anger and didn't know WHY. I just couldn't hold it together anymore. I'd pull over to the side of the road or tuck into my closet or crawl into my bed. And of course no one knew. I never told anyone I was doing these things, I just did them. Because I had to. Because my life depended on it.

Yes, I've been to therapists and psychiatrists and every other person imaginable to talk about these things. But the truth remains that I was never a whole person with anyone in my life. And it caused me more pain, I know now, than being honest about who I am and where I'm at, ever could have caused.

My point: I think we hide too much. I think we value manners more than we should. I think we are killing ourselves.

Do I share every intimate detail of my life with everyone I meet? No. But I'm gut-level honest with at least two people. ABOUT EVERYTHING. About when I struggle to understand even though I believe. I fight my anger and frustration and desperation to find words to convey the feeling of being lost and alone in spirituality, desperately wanting to believe in some moving and powerful and overwhelming way the things everyone around me seems to accept like sunshine or water or electricity. I continue speaking even when fear grips my heart so that I'm not alone in my grief over not being able to shop for food. So that when I stand there in the grocery store unable to move, frozen in this place of indecision over whole carrots or baby carrots and all I can think is WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE A NORMAL PERSON, I'm not alone. I don't FEEL alone. I can say, "Yep, this is an issue for me. But it's okay. And when I'm ready, I can walk away and I can shop or not. I can go home or not. And it's okay. No judgement."

Because those things are true. And I only know it -- believe it -- because I was able to share that with someone else. And instead of saying, "Wow. You're really insane, aren't you," I get a reassuring smile and a, "Call me and we'll go together. Laughter is the best distraction."

The truth is I'm not a perfect Catholic. I'm a flawed person with conflicting thoughts and emotions. I struggle nearly daily. I've led an "interesting" life and I rarely have the answers. I feel almost every day like I'm making things up as I go along, like I'll never have life down to quite the science everyone around me seems to. I curse when I don't mean to, I forget everything, I struggle to know what to do with my life even though I've been listening for answers for ten years. I gossip, judge, and get angry over trivial things. I often envy people and want for things I don't need. I cling to resentment like I'd have no life without it. I exist in my life the way people tell me I do or should without thinking, though less now than ever.

I am dramatic and loud and ridiculous. But I am also quiet, reflective, and giving. Those things are the whole me and none of them need to be discounted, judged, labeled, discarded. I can be zany and crazy and fun. I can be professional and focused and sharp. I can be ME because I am all of those things. We all are.

Sometimes when I come to phatmass I lose my joy. Part of that is my own fault: I've harbored resentment and anger and frustration for years. I've begun to let that go and already it feels better. But part of that is the ¬feeling of ... well, not dishonesty, necessarily, but a lack of authenticity for fear of scandalizing. And yet, in my mind, what's more scandalous is our inability to be real. Our inability to say what's really going on. As a community I think we often fail to support each other in truly authentic ways. The ways that use our faith as a guide but which employ modes of action or being which speak to human nature. We lose the person in the texts and ultimately lose ourselves to a faith we will never understand.

I am positive little of the above has made sense. Well, except for the part where I tell you what you already know: that I'm insane.

I guess the tl;dr of this is what follows:
Sometimes I'm going to come here and I'm going to say things that are going to shock you. But only because you forget that I'm human and therefore flawed. Because you've forgotten that I, franciscanheart, will almost always choose the ugly truth over polite or proper replies. Because you prefer to look only at perfection and not reality.

I believe we have to look at where we are to know where we're going. We have to know what is before we can know what can be.

[CrossCuT]

I guess the tl;dr of this is what follows:

Sometimes I'm going to come here and I'm going to say things that are going to shock you. But only because you forget that I'm human and therefore flawed. Because you've forgotten that I, franciscanheart, will almost always choose the ugly truth over polite or proper replies. Because you prefer to look only at perfection and not reality.

I believe we have to look at where we are to know where we're going. We have to know what is before we can know what can be.

Is this like... an apology? Or an FYI or huh?

 

JW

 

:)

[franciscanheart]

Yep, that was an incomplete thought. But I've been anxious all day to get these thoughts out of my brain and into this space. I often struggle with writing, with conveying the feelings and emotions I experience on a day-to-day basis.

I wanted to add a few things:

I have two younger siblings. My sister and I are nine and a half years apart. My brother and I are two weeks shy of eleven years apart. Whether they'll admit it or not, they look to me for how to live. How to make decisions. When to act and when to keep quiet.

I have young friends -- some here and some elsewhere -- who seek my advice for whatever reason. The point is: it's sought.

There is a young girl in my area preparing for confirmation and I am her sponsor.


These young people? They dictate so much of my life. I wake up every day wanting to be an example for them. I want to show them in my every word and action what it means to be authentic and alive. I want them to see me not as the model of perfection, but as someone who can sit in her own skin -- no matter the circumstances -- and find joy in everything.

I want my sister to see me for what I am -- overweight, sans makeup -- and know that while I have work to do (which she sees me doing), I do not hate myself. I do not curse my past decisions; I learn from them.

I want my brother to see me and know that finding a good woman is not about how much time she spends on her hair. I want him to see me and see the qualities he wants in a wife. I want him to see that women should be valued for their drive, their hard work, their intellect, wit, and generosity.

I want the young people who seek me out for advice to know that although I won't have a solution for them most times, I am willing to share my experience openly and honestly. I want them to know every interaction is cherished by me and that I will always be truthful and upfront about my own struggles (age appropriate, of course), not trying to save face or appear to be the put-together, perfect adult. Because we aren't. At least, I'm not. And that's okay.

I want that young girl I'm sponsoring in Confirmation to know that Catholicism doesn't make life perfect. It doesn't mean I am perfect. More than anything I want her to see that she can have experiences, emotions, feelings, thoughts -- WHATEVER -- that feel tumultuous or conflicting or otherwise devastating and be okay. And not be destined for hell. It doesn't mean her faith is lacking, that she is undeserving of anything, that she can't speak up or stand out or be seen. It means that she's human, having a human experience, and she's totally normal in her absurdities.

And for all of them? I want them to know that they can talk to me. I want them to know that nothing they tell me will shock or offend me, that I won't judge or spread untruths about their situation. I won't think less of them or have opinions about where they are. I want them to know how much I LOVE them and want nothing for them but the good Christ promises us for being FAITHFUL not PERFECT.

[IcePrincessKRS]

:love:

[franciscanheart]

Is this like... an apology? Or an FYI or huh?
 
JW
 
:)

What? :huh: What have I to apologize for? :unsure: This is me thinking out loud about how extreme we can be here at phatmass -- just like the rest of the world. Instead of being really authentic, we spout the things we're supposed to say or do or believe. And perhaps we do believe all we are supposed to and STILL STRUGGLE. But no one would know that -- not really -- because we're too busy talking about how perfect our modest bathing suits are or how great our curls turned out.

Those discussions are AWESOME, but I miss the feeling of coming to a place where people were real AND faithful.

[Lil Red]

Those discussions are amesome, but I miss the feeling of coming to a place where people were real AND faithful.

 

....where you could come and honestly struggle instead of having people take what you've said the wrong way, or tell you that you were wrong for saying what you did or feeling how you feel....everything seems to be turned into a debate and the whole point of people's posts get glossed over in favor of an argument. 

 

yeah. 

Edited June 21, 2013 by Lil Red

[CrossCuT]

:)

 

Edited June 21, 2013 by CrossCuT

[gaudium et spes]

I'd hope we can have discussions about how perfect our modest swimsuits are AND how we struggle and doubt and fail to love. :)

[Lil Red]

I'd hope we can have discussions about how perfect our modest swimsuits are AND how we struggle and doubt and fail to love. :)

 

i don't think franny is trying to set up a false dichotomy of either/or here. :unsure: 

[CrossCuT]

Dont worry so much about what other people think, youll go crazy.

Have fun and be yourself...talk about whatever you want whether its bathing suits, faith, hair, or coco crunchies. 

 

If someone wants to judge the sincerity of yours or anothers faith based on these things let them, its no stress on you.

Edited June 21, 2013 by CrossCuT

[franciscanheart]

Ok, Im just trying to understand.
The jist I got from your first post was that you were giving us insight into your life and where you come from so whenever choose the ugly truth over something polite we just keep all this in mind?

But then just now you judged someones heart about bathing suits or something? Do you feel those people are insincere about their faith?
Maybe Im getting super off topic but Im just curious; correct me if Im wrong.
I think everyone should be able to open up and express their thoughts.

:)

:huh: I don't even know where to begin...

Sigh. No. NO, I didn't. No, I don't.

I'm not judging anyone. I'm not saying that modest swimsuits suck. (I wear a racing suit with shorts.) I'm not saying those discussions shouldn't be had or that the people who have them are somehow inferior in faith.

What I'm saying is what I said: that I'm not perfect and I miss when phatmass didn't have to be either. I'm not trying to criticize phatmass or her members so much as start a discussion about how we can exist here authentically. How we can have discussions and show support rather than jump to conclusions and judge. To maybe encourage someone else to think about how to be guided by their faith in responses but not necessarily have to be the Truth hammer for a poster who's doing his or her best in faith and in life.

See it how you will; everyone does and will. But the things you have already assumed about me? Those are the things that make this an unfriendly and often hostile place.

I'd hope we can have discussions about how perfect our modest swimsuits are AND how we struggle and doubt and fail to love. :)

We can. :like: I never said the swimsuit discussion shouldn't happen (it's happened every year I've been here (and that's a lot of years)). I meant to imply that while those discussions are good (wait, I SAID that), some other discussions may be better and more fulfilling. More authentic.

[Era Might]

The truth is I'm not a perfect Catholic. I'm a flawed person with conflicting thoughts and emotions. I struggle nearly daily. I've led an "interesting" life and I rarely have the answers. I feel almost every day like I'm making things up as I go along, like I'll never have life down to quite the science everyone around me seems to. I curse when I don't mean to, I forget everything, I struggle to know what to do with my life even though I've been listening for answers for ten years. I gossip, judge, and get angry over trivial things. I often envy people and want for things I don't need. I cling to resentment like I'd have no life without it. I exist in my life the way people tell me I do or should without thinking, though less now than ever.

 

I've been realizing recently that there is no "moment" when life changes, when you suddenly stop getting annoyed at everything that annoys you or become a different person than you've always been. There is no freedom from the struggle, there is only the struggle. That's what life is, I think. I used to think the saints were just being pious when they talked about how imperfect they were...but they weren't, they were dead serious.

Edited June 21, 2013 by Era Might

[arfink]

I don't quite understand what you are getting at with the word authenticity. What does that mean to you, in this context? I'm curious. :)

[CrossCuT]

:huh: I don't even know where to begin...

Sigh. No. NO, I didn't. No, I don't.

I'm not judging anyone. I'm not saying that modest swimsuits smell of elderberries. (I wear a racing suit with shorts.) I'm not saying those discussions shouldn't be had or that the people who have them are somehow inferior in faith.

What I'm saying is what I said: that I'm not perfect and I miss when phatmass didn't have to be either. I'm not trying to criticize phatmass or her members so much as start a discussion about how we can exist here authentically. How we can have discussions and show support rather than jump to conclusions and judge. To maybe encourage someone else to think about how to be guided by their faith in responses but not necessarily have to be the Truth hammer for a poster who's doing his or her best in faith and in life.

See it how you will; everyone does and will. But the things you have already assumed about me? Those are the things that make this an unfriendly and often hostile place.

Right, I deleted my comment.

I assume nothing, I was just trying to interpret your text wall. Thank you for clarifying. 

[Lil Red]

What I'm saying is what I said: that I'm not perfect and I miss when phatmass didn't have to be either. I'm not trying to criticize phatmass or her members so much as start a discussion about how we can exist here authentically. How we can have discussions and show support rather than jump to conclusions and judge. To maybe encourage someone else to think about how to be guided by their faith in responses but not necessarily have to be the Truth hammer for a poster who's doing his or her best in faith and in life.

 

this is so hard, and something i struggle with A LOT here on phatmass - because of past interactions with other peeps, it has colored how i view them  & their posts - probably unfairly to a certain extent. it causes me to shut down in any interaction with them and not treat the discussion as serious, not treat them as serious. how do i move past that? can i? i don't know - honestly. i don't know if i can move past it and i don't know know if those people can move past it. sigh. 

 

(another note: i can't think this heavily today. my brain already hurts.)