Satan Attacking

[DiscerningCatholic]

I've noticed that every time I finish talking to someone about my retreat experience and discernment, thoughts like "What if this isn't for you?" and "What if you don't get accepted?" start going through my head. I think this is Satan just trying to egg me on, but how do I know? The thought definitely doesn't give me any peace. I did get a very clear message during adoration at the retreat that these doubts will be my biggest cross instead of having to worry about family getting angry or things like that. I also have had several dreams involving me, Therese, roses, and getting pricked by the thorns. I woke up with a very clear message in my head - probably from Therese - that "Yes, you've gotten roses. And yes, you've gotten signs. But if you want roses, you're going to have to deal with thorns, too."

 

So I know to not take these doubts too seriously, but should I be considering them at all? Everything has been lining up (if that's how you could put it) to fit with where I truly believe I am called. I've also been using these temptations as incentive to irritate the c.rap out of Satan, i.e. doing extra chores I hate doing, saying extra prayers, etc. He's been trying to scare me away from going to Adoration, Mass, and saying prayers with fears of hearing something I don't want to hear...and then I go/say prayers, kick his a$$ and hear the opposite of everything I was afraid of. 

 

So how exactly do I know when these doubts come from Satan or if it's something God's trying to tell me? Another thing I've found myself doing is totally over-thinking everything, which I didn't even realize was a flaw of mine until just now. But any advice would be great!

[Gabriela]

The thought definitely doesn't give me any peace.

 

Which thought doesn't give you any peace? The thought of applying/entering, or the doubts?

 

 

 

So how exactly do I know when these doubts come from Satan or if it's something God's trying to tell me? Another thing I've found myself doing is totally over-thinking everything, which I didn't even realize was a flaw of mine until just now. But any advice would be great!

 

Many of the sisters I interviewed strongly urged against overthinking. Go with how you feel when you think of the Dominicans. Do you feel like you've found your home? Do you feel peace, joy, clarity, calmness? If so, that's from God.

 

How do you feel when you question that you have found the right place? Turmoil? Fear? If so, that's from Satan. Nothing from him will ever bring with it feelings of peace, joy, and calmness.

 

The more you try to figure this out by overthinking, the more tortured you will feel. Pray for God to help you trust Him, for Him to take away your fear of the unknown.

 

 

Now, if you are having any slight tinge of fear or discomfort or uncertainty when you think of applying/entering, then you need to pay attention to that. Don't ignore it just because you want more than anything to have found the place for you. That's rushing. And it's lying. Be honest with yourself. How do you REALLY feel—through and through—when you think of applying to/entering the DSMME? Search DEEP... And don't be afraid of what you'll find. Whatever it is will be the Truth.

 

Prayers for you, DC. :-)

[DiscerningCatholic]

I don't worry about applying because I'm afraid of entering; I'm afraid of applying because there's always a chance that you won't get accepted. And I guess everyone who applies to an order worries about that at least to an extent. But when I'm not psyching out over dumb stuff, for instance, when I'm in adoration, all I feel is this desire to enter this community, CONTRARY to what I'm afraid I'll hear. And I KNOW that this deep, almost insatiable longing isn't for things like the habit (awe.some though it is) or even because I'll be a part of a real community, which I've never done before. Of course, I love the sisters with all of my heart; I'd be in trouble if I didn't. But in the calm moments when Satan ISN'T attacking my soul and when I'm NOT worried about silly things like my SAT score, I know, deep down, that this is where God wants me. I think part of it is that I'm SO worried about not doing what God wants me to do that I am obsessing that I might NOT be doing what He wants and might be too busy to just chill out. And I don't know how I know; I just know. You know?

And none of the negative thoughts bring me any peace whatsoever.

[DiscerningCatholic]

:blink: that made no sense whatsoever...

[DiscerningCatholic]

(I'm on my ipod and I can't edit previous posts; sorry about the multiple posts!)

And, you know, I've mentioned this before, but when I was with the sisters, I felt more at home, more at peace, and more full of joy than I have in a long time, if ever. When we drove up to the motherhouse, I was just overwhelmed with this feeling that I was home. I can't even describe it; even in the moment, in the van with the sisters, I couldn't put together a coherent reaction beyond "Oh my gosh. I can't believe I'm here. I just can't believe I'm here. If I'm dreaming, PLEASE don't pinch me. I can't believe I'm actually here." The poor sisters probably thought I was out of my mind. I may have even seen one go :crazy: (Not really.)

I was so scared going into the retreat that I'd leave knowing that it wasn't for me. Instead...well, you know. I felt like I was floating several inches above the ground for the entire weekend. In Sr. Veronica Marie's words, "I didn't know happiness could be so happy." Which is why I was so surprised to come back and end up dealing with this; did I ge it all wrong? Was what I was feeling all wrong? You can't just IMAGINE happiness like that, can you?

Edited June 7, 2013 by DiscerningCatholic

[MarysLittleFlower]

Just a thought... one way to maybe go against these fears, is turning them into a way of you doing something pleasing to God (rather than letting them make you doubt or get confused). For example, if you get afraid that you're not called after all, you could maybe then abandon yourself to God's will and say that you'll joyfully accept whatever He chooses, and that what He chooses, would be the best thing for you. So the thought was making you doubt and fear, but you'll turn that to trust and abandonment instead :) does this make any sense?? maybe something to ask a good priest about? don't dwell on the doubts though, if you do this, just turn to God right away and pray. And I read that in a discernment booklet that what counts more in discernment is how we feel when we feel close to God, rather than confused - for example, how you said you felt joyful and peaceful, that's a good sign. Try to trust that this was from God, instead of letting these thoughts make you doubt.

[Pax_et bonum]

I think you may be getting a little ahead of yourself which is understandable since you're excited about maybe having found your community. You're worried about applying and worried about being accepted--well you're not quite there yet! No need to worry about that now. I think the main question you need to answer is "Do I feel drawn to continue discernment with this community?" You've obviously answered Yes! Then, as the Vicaress of "my" community has been telling me, you need "to recognize whether your desire to enter here continues to grow and deepen or fade and wane." It's an ongoing discernment even after you enter, so don't worry so much now! That's easier said than done, I know, but that's where trust comes in. You're also going to have to answer the question "Why do I feel drawn to this community?" Having some answers to that might help get rid of or lessen some doubt. And I understand that their vocation directors have a lot to do, but I wouldn't hesitate to email them. Their job is to help you discern!

 

It also sounds like you're on a post-retreat low which is never fun. We were talking about that towards the end of a discernment retreat once, and a sister said something about having to come down from the mountain back to our ordinary lives. So, no, your feelings weren't all wrong, but that's why we don't enter after one retreat. You need time to process your feelings and probe their depths. The time after retreats are as important as the retreats themselves. When you're away from the excitement and activity of the retreat and when all the initial feelings are fading (your retreat feels  :smile3: ), do you still feel drawn to the community?

[Eowyn]

I don't worry about applying because I'm afraid of entering; I'm afraid of applying because there's always a chance that you won't get accepted. And I guess everyone who applies to an order worries about that at least to an extent. But when I'm not psyching out over dumb stuff, for instance, when I'm in adoration, all I feel is this desire to enter this community, CONTRARY to what I'm afraid I'll hear. And I KNOW that this deep, almost insatiable longing isn't for things like the habit (awe.some though it is) or even because I'll be a part of a real community, which I've never done before. Of course, I love the sisters with all of my heart; I'd be in trouble if I didn't. But in the calm moments when Satan ISN'T attacking my soul and when I'm NOT worried about silly things like my SAT score, I know, deep down, that this is where God wants me. I think part of it is that I'm SO worried about not doing what God wants me to do that I am obsessing that I might NOT be doing what He wants and might be too busy to just chill out. And I don't know how I know; I just know. You know?

And none of the negative thoughts bring me any peace whatsoever.

 

 

It makes sense... .  I think deep down you are worried that maybe it isn't what God wants for  you?   I think you have done about everything you can to make sure you are doing what can to discern God's will.  Entering a community is a process, lots of steps and each of them designed to help both sides make sure that they are doing what God wants.  If it turns out that God wants you somewhere else, that will be just as awe.some for you.  Basically, I'm just trying to say to trust God, the sisters, and the application process. 

[DiscerningCatholic]

I think you may be getting a little ahead of yourself which is understandable since you're excited about maybe having found your community. You're worried about applying and worried about being accepted--well you're not quite there yet! No need to worry about that now. I think the main question you need to answer is "Do I feel drawn to continue discernment with this community?" You've obviously answered Yes! Then, as the Vicaress of "my" community has been telling me, you need "to recognize whether your desire to enter here continues to grow and deepen or fade and wane." It's an ongoing discernment even after you enter, so don't worry so much now! That's easier said than done, I know, but that's where trust comes in. You're also going to have to answer the question "Why do I feel drawn to this community?" Having some answers to that might help get rid of or lessen some doubt. And I understand that their vocation directors have a lot to do, but I wouldn't hesitate to email them. Their job is to help you discern!

 

It also sounds like you're on a post-retreat low which is never fun. We were talking about that towards the end of a discernment retreat once, and a sister said something about having to come down from the mountain back to our ordinary lives. So, no, your feelings weren't all wrong, but that's why we don't enter after one retreat. You need time to process your feelings and probe their depths. The time after retreats are as important as the retreats themselves. When you're away from the excitement and activity of the retreat and when all the initial feelings are fading (your retreat feels  :smile3: ), do you still feel drawn to the community?

 

I know....which is probably one of the reasons I feel so silly for worrying about all of this now. :blush:

 

"Post-retreat low"... :think: Never heard of that one before... but yeah, I guess so. I've been thinking about how, if I enter, everything that I love about the community - the prayer life, Mass, daily Rosary, etc - WILL be daily life. And it WILL become routine. It won't have the same effect as it did the first two times I did it. The same goes for any other community that I could enter.

 

I was actually reading a friend's acceptance letter she had posted on Facebook yesterday and thought about what it would mean for ME if I got one of those. And it was scary to think about! Not scary as in "ERMAHGERD WHAT AM I THINKING WANTING TO DO THIS???" But scary as in probably the kind of scary anyone discerning religious life is familiar with. The letter said something along the lines of "Have your Liturgy of the Hours book and Rosary with you for Vespers after the entrance ceremony" and I realized, "Okay, so if I do enter, my parents will be LEAVING me there. I won't be going home for dinner with them in a day or two; I'll be living there, studying there, praying there, eating there, possibly for the rest of my life." And yes, while that thought was a little scary, I know that I still want this with everything I am. 

 

Nothing makes me as happy as talking about my retreat experience or even my discernment. I've had so many people tell me that I "just glow" when I talk about it. I've smiled so hard when talking about it that my eyes have watered. If what the sisters say is any confirmation, Sr. Joseph Andrew had me in her office for maybe 20 minutes and then was pushing me out the door basically commanding me to come back for papers in November. Sr. Mary Grace told me that she couldn't see me anywhere else. Sr. Mary Perpetua told me something along the lines of, "Well, if this wasn't your first retreat, I'd be pushing you into Sr. Joseph Andrew's office for papers, but...well, you know. :hehe: " I wasn't putting on a false front or trying to appear extra holy; I was just myself. I even managed to bash my knees against the choir stall I was in and cause a bit of a ruckus in the middle of Mass. :covereyes:And then my veil fell off my head and onto the floor...and I accidentally knocked someone's papers off of their choir stall when I was coming back from Communion. :| Awkward, since Sr. Mary David was immediately behind me. (I.E. I was totally me...klutzy me included.)

 

Sr. Mary Ignatius asked me, "Well, imagine that you AREN'T here on a retreat and that there AREN'T different things going on. If you were the only one entering right now and if everything was the way it usually is, would you still want to?" I thought about it for a while and the answer was yes. I know I'd be leaving everything behind, but I came home and was like, "WHY DO I HAVE SO MUCH C.RAP?" I'm literally choking on stuff. There's never any silence. I don't feel as spiritually satisfied in Mass or adoration when I'm here as I did while I was with the sisters; something is missing, NOT just the sisters. 

 

I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore, so I'll stop talking...I guess I'm trying to sort out my thoughts. 

Edited June 7, 2013 by DiscerningCatholic

[emma8201986]

I note from your profile that you are very young - 16 or so? When I was 16, if anyone had suggested to me that I would, in 10 years, feel called to religious life, I would have said they were nuts. At 16, I never even went to Mass, said a rosary or gave the slightest thought to religion (other than I thought it was stupid). Give yourself a break - if the convent is where God wants you to be, that's where you'll end up. Just because you really want it at 16, doesn't mean it's what you will want in 1 year or 5 or 10. Yes, I know - St Therese always wanted to be a Carmelite and we all know sisters who always knew they were destined for the convent but I don't think that's true for most people - especially now when the world becomes more challenging every day. To be quite honest, I don't think I believe in Satan as a being roaming the world seeking to lure people into evil. I think your doubts are natural and part of the human psyche. I think you should let yourself have many different experiences, including dating, and if you still feel called to religious life when you are older, by all means, take the plunge. I know some communities like the DSMMEs accept applicants right out of high school. Frankly, I'm not sure that's a wise idea - I wouldn't recommend anyone getting married at 18 either. I wonder how many of those applicants are still there 5 years later. In any event, for what it's worth - don't make yourself crazy about this. I hope my comments have not offended you or anyone else, just knowing how I was at 16 or 18 and how I am now, it saddens me that you are so upset at having doubts and worrying that you might not be accepted to a community. Relax - breath - pray - let your life take its course

[LittleWaySoul]

If it helps at all, I've noticed that the times when I'm getting closest to God's will for me are the times when Satan comes after me the most. I think everyone experiences this on some level.

 

Also, I agree with Pax-- this sounds a lot like a post-retreat low. You've never heard of them, but they're so, so real. I've been on enough retreats to know.

 

This may not be exactly what you're going through, but it's funny and he makes some good points:
 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbnJWlFjSFk

 

I think the main thing that you should take away from this is to continue doing what you're doing-- going to mass, doing chores, praying, kicking Satan in the face-- even when you don't "feel" like doing so. That's the most important thing. To choose to love God, regardless of how you're feeling. One of my favorite quotes is this:
 

“Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy’s will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”

-C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

 

Take it to heart. And if you haven't read the Screwtape Letters, DO IT RIGHT NOW. SERIOUSLY.

There's my advice. Keep up the good work, DC! I know you can do this! :smile3: I'll be praying for you! :amen:
 

 

Edited June 7, 2013 by LittleWaySoul

[DiscerningCatholic]

If it helps at all, I've noticed that the times when I'm getting closest to God's will for me are the times when Satan comes after me the most. I think everyone experiences this on some level.

 

Also, I agree with Pax-- this sounds a lot like a post-retreat low. You've never heard of them, but they're so, so real. I've been on enough retreats to know.

 

This may not be exactly what you're going through, but it's funny and he makes some good points:
 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbnJWlFjSFk

 

I think the main thing that you should take away from this is to continue doing what you're doing-- going to mass, doing chores, praying, kicking Satan in the face-- even when you don't "feel" like doing so. That's the most important thing. To choose to love God, regardless of how you're feeling. One of my favorite quotes is this:
 

“Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy’s will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”

-C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

 

Take it to heart. And if you haven't read the Screwtape Letters, DO IT RIGHT NOW. SERIOUSLY.

There's my advice. Keep up the good work, DC! I know you can do this! :smile3: I'll be praying for you! :amen:
 

 

ROTFL I LOVE THAT VIDEO

 

I actually don't get "retreat highs" per-se... I usually come back from retreats - if they're good retreats; our LifeTeen retreats...not so much - on fire and that fire never really goes out. 

 

And we don't own a copy of the Screwtape Letters!!! :cry: The cheapest copy I could find at Barnes and Noble was 17 bucks! :pinch:

[LittleWaySoul]

rotfl I LOVE THAT VIDEO

 

I actually don't get "retreat highs" per-se... I usually come back from retreats - if they're good retreats; our LifeTeen retreats...not so much - on fire and that fire never really goes out. 

 

And we don't own a copy of the Screwtape Letters!!! :cry: The cheapest copy I could find at Barnes and Noble was 17 bucks! :pinch:

 

LIBRARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :smile3:

[LittleWaySoul]

rotfl I LOVE THAT VIDEO

 

I actually don't get "retreat highs" per-se... I usually come back from retreats - if they're good retreats; our LifeTeen retreats...not so much - on fire and that fire never really goes out. 

 

And we don't own a copy of the Screwtape Letters!!! :cry: The cheapest copy I could find at Barnes and Noble was 17 bucks! :pinch:

 

LOOK! IT SHIPS FROM FLORIDA AND EVERYTHING!

http://www.alibris.com/booksearch.detail?invid=11647063601&browse=1&qwork=22413816&qsort=&page=1

[LittleWaySoul]

YOU MUST READ IT. IT WILL SERIOUSLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE, NO JOKE.