Dating And Discernment (from The Saints)

[AnneLine]

I think part of the confusion here is what exactly is 'dating'?  

 

I'd totally agree that no one who really thinks they have a vocation to consecrated life should be fooling around with a romantic attachment to a guy just to 'try it out'.  That's silly.  It's also a silly way to discern a married vocation!

 

However....   I don't think there is anything wrong with having coffee, maybe going to a movie, having an informal dinner and talking, etc. with someone of the opposite sex.  Having relationships with people from the opposite sex don't have to be romantic or inappropriate.  It's our culture that has given us the INCORRECT belief that that is all there can be between two people.   It seems to me that it is important -- VERY IMPORTANT -- that people looking at religious life (active or contemplative) be comfortable being with people of both sexes.  Because they WILL encounter them.  

 

Anyone have any thoughts about this?

[FFI Griswold]

Ave Maria!

 

Happy feast of the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus! Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make our hearts like unto Thine!

 

From the Summa Theologica of St. Thomas Aquinas,

 

Whether virginity is more excellent than marriage?

 

I answer that, According to Jerome (Contra Jovin. i) the error of Jovinian consisted in holding virginity not to be preferable to marriage. This error is refuted above all by the example of Christ Who both chose a virgin for His mother, and remained Himself a virgin, and by the teaching of the Apostle who (1 Cor. 7) counsels virginity as the greater good. It is also refuted by reason, both because a Divine good takes precedence of a human good, and because the good of the soul is preferable to the good of the body, and again because the good of the contemplative life is better than that of the active life. Now virginity is directed to the good of the soul in respect of the contemplative life, which consists in thinking "on the things of God" [Vulg.: 'the Lord'], whereas marriage is directed to the good of the body, namely the bodily increase of the human race, and belongs to the active life, since the man and woman who embrace the married life have to think "on the things of the world," as the Apostle says (1 Cor. 7:34). Without doubt therefore virginity is preferable to conjugal continence.

 

 

Ave Maria!

 

fra John Paul

 

[Spem in alium]

If you have healthy relationships with people of the opposite gender, I wouldn't think dating would be "necessary, as some people sometimes make it sound. I mean, if the avoidance of dating is because of a fear of some aspect of the other gender or marriage, that could be very problematic for discernment and fulfillment of any vocation. But to date for the sake of dating sounds very much like using someone, and in no way a good idea.

 

Totally agree. From my experience, I've found that if a person doesn't have many friendships with people of the opposite sex, they are more likely to be insecure and become attracted to any person who looks their way. I was like this for ages because I never really knew any guys, so any time I was noticed by one I would become crazy-oh-my-gosh-I-love-you-let's-get-married with them. Sad, I know, but true. Now it's different because I've established friendships with guys and learnt a lot from doing that.

 

I think part of the confusion here is what exactly is 'dating'?  

 

I'd totally agree that no one who really thinks they have a vocation to consecrated life should be fooling around with a romantic attachment to a guy just to 'try it out'.  That's silly.  It's also a silly way to discern a married vocation!

 

However....   I don't think there is anything wrong with having coffee, maybe going to a movie, having an informal dinner and talking, etc. with someone of the opposite sex.  Having relationships with people from the opposite sex don't have to be romantic or inappropriate.  It's our culture that has given us the INCORRECT belief that that is all there can be between two people.   It seems to me that it is important -- VERY IMPORTANT -- that people looking at religious life (active or contemplative) be comfortable being with people of both sexes.  Because they WILL encounter them.  

 

Anyone have any thoughts about this?

 

Great question! What is "dating"? What is "going out"? What do all these kinds of terms mean, really? I agree with you that it's definitely silly to do.

 

I have a couple of guy friends who I hang out with fairly often. One I see probably once every couple of weeks, and we usually go out for a meal together. When we first started hanging out, I did think he liked me because he can be very friendly and complimentary (borderline flirty). I've since realised that's actually just his personality. Turns out he's actually discerning consecrated life himself (as a Coptic monk). In a sense that makes my relationship with him a lot easier and fruitful, because I can be a lot more open with him as a friend about my discernment. I've been very blessed by our relationship, and I may not have experienced the same blessing if it had been anything more than a friendship.

 

I definitely agree with your view about society. It really annoys me. Politeness and friendliness does not automatically mean a person is interested. When I do spend time with this friend (or any of my guy friends, really) I'll get people asking me if we're going out. When I say I'm only attracted to him as a friend, they don't believe me and will act very suggestive (saying things like "Ooooh, SPEM! Is that your boyfriend?" etc, etc,). It's almost as if a sexual relationship with a person of the opposite sex is the only relationship going nowadays, that a guy and girl can't simply be friends. This kind of view just leads to things being misconstrued. It's sad that it's become difficult to ask a guy to hang out without dealing not only with the reaction of outsiders, but also his reaction, as nowadays things can easily be taken the wrong way. 

[Spem in alium]

So today I met up with the guy I really, really like and told him that I am thinking of becoming a nun. He told me that he would have been more surprised if I told him I had a boyfriend, because apparently he could never picture me in a relationship. It intrigued me. I was going to tell him I liked him, but thankfully I didn't need to as he told me he's asked a girl out.  Admittedly, I was a little disappointed, but much more happy, because...

I AM NOW 100% FREE TO DISCERN RELIGIOUS LIFE!  :winner:

 

Now I know he doesn't feel the same way, I can move on without wondering. Praise God :)