"child Free" People (maybe A Bit Of A Rant)

[cmaD2006]

They are busy. And they are going through something so big and important and I cannot share that.  I cannot bond with them over it.

 

I can't have kids, and I don't plan to get married. But I realize that the majority of people do. So mine is going to be a lonely row to hoe.

I hear ya ...

 

coming from the other side, I have a coworker who talks constantly about her daughter. 

 

I talk constantly about Church.  I guess we even each other out :).

 

I have the same situation -- I don't expect at my age to have children even if I do get married.  And I'm not sure if I am called to marriage.  And yep -- it can be lonely.

 

-- Cma

[Lil Red]

I guess the only thing about "child free" people or single people that "bothers" me is when they try to say "this is what you should do with your kids" (discipline, nutrition, etc) or "this is how marriage should be" or "This is how your spouse should treat you/this is what your spouse should be doing" blah blah blah. and i hear that more from the single/childless people who are active in the Church. 

 

 

[photosynthesis]

What I found ironic in the OP was the juxtaposition of the idea that "I can't do/buy what I want" and "why make more consumers?" Um.... Do you not realize that YOU are the self-absorbed consumer in this conversation??

 

Exactly!  As a parent you can raise your child not to just be "a consumer."  Also, I found it funny that all of them had this mentality that having kids somehow means that you will never do anything fun or interesting ever again, and you will never have any sort of life apart from your kids.  

 

I also really feel for people who are single.  It has to be hard, especially when all your friends seem to be getting married, or having babies.  All of my closest friends are single and while it has been a struggle maintaining certain friendships, I have managed to stay close with a lot of them.  These are usually friends that either don't mind having a small child tag along during our time together or they can plan get togethers in enough advance so that I can make arrangements for my daughter.  The funny thing about some of my married friends is that even though I'm married & have kids too, the relationship they have with their spouses is such that they don't spend any time with their friends any more, married or single.  

[photosynthesis]

Also, there is a big difference between the childfree mentality and simply not having children.  Lots of people happen to not have children can be happy that someone else does have children, and be happy that there are children in the world.

[OnlySunshine]

A couple of days ago, I was standing outside the Bowery Ballroom, waiting in line for a general admission rock concert featuring Amanda Palmer.  If you want to be way up in the front row, then you need to stake your spot out early and that was my goal for the night :)  So I struck a conversation with the people on my right and on my left.  Not surprisingly, I had nothing in common with them except for liking the headliner for that night but we were having a nice cordial conversation.

 

Until...... I casually mentioned that I had a 4 year old at home.

 

You'd think a bomb went off.  There was an awkward silence for a few seconds.  

 

"Yeah, I could never have kids."

 

"Me neither!  I just think that having them would really keep me from doing all the things I like to do, like traveling and being an artist."

 

"I know what you mean.  I'm a great uncle but I'm just not cut out to be a dad, I'm just too selfish!"

 

"The last thing the world needs is another American consumer."

 

And on and on it went.  I didn't talk about how much I love the Latin Mass, or praying the Rosary outside abortion clinics.  I didn't make them sit through an iPhone slideshow of all my daughter's most endearing moments. I'm not one of those parents that has nothing to talk about other than their kids.  All I did was casually mention that I happen to have a 4 year old and people automatically assume that I'm judging them for not having kids.  I guess this must be how vegetarians feel all the time.  

 

With the exception of my Catholic friends, everyone I know says they're "not ready" for kids yet. Outside the "bubble" of my parish and my circle of Catholic friends, I feel like a freak for having a child, especially at the age I am (29).  I'm in the local Mothers & More and most ladies here didn't start having kids until their late 30's, early 40's.  Whenever I take my daughter to the park, every mother there is over 5 years older than me and it makes me feel like I'm some kind of teen mom who got knocked up behind the bleachers, even though 25 is not young for having your first baby.  I guess my peers think they have better things to do?

 

I just had to respond to this statement.  I used to be a vegetarian/vegan for a few years and I can tell you that you hit the nail on the head.  Anytime I would mention that I didn't eat meat or was a vegetarian, people would look at me like I had 5 heads or something.  Then, I'd get the classic "I could never be a vegetarian!  I like meat too much!"  Only rarely would I get someone who was a vegetarian/vegan themselves or someone who was supportive.  My uncle, Michael, was one of those because he contributes a lot of money to the Humane Society (but he's not a vegetarian).  I'm no longer a vegetarian but I have sympathy for those who are and have to hear an earful from those who "just don't get it."

 

BTW, it is really ridiculous how selfish our society has gotten.  Back in the olden days, you'd probably never hear "I would never be able to have kids!"  It was commonplace for them to get married and have families.  Just goes to show how much birth control and "safe sex" has ruined society.  :(
 

[OnlySunshine]

Exactly!  As a parent you can raise your child not to just be "a consumer."  Also, I found it funny that all of them had this mentality that having kids somehow means that you will never do anything fun or interesting ever again, and you will never have any sort of life apart from your kids.  

 

I also really feel for people who are single.  It has to be hard, especially when all your friends seem to be getting married, or having babies.  All of my closest friends are single and while it has been a struggle maintaining certain friendships, I have managed to stay close with a lot of them.  These are usually friends that either don't mind having a small child tag along during our time together or they can plan get togethers in enough advance so that I can make arrangements for my daughter.  The funny thing about some of my married friends is that even though I'm married & have kids too, the relationship they have with their spouses is such that they don't spend any time with their friends any more, married or single.  

 

Maybe they should look at my uncle and aunt who, even though they have 3 children under the age of 10, have managed to go on several trips to Europe to sightsee and Colorado to ski.  They don't look at their kids as being "those things who make it so I'll never have fun again."  They have fun with the kids!  And, those times where they can't take the kids along, the supportive grandmother comes in and babysits for them.  :)

[GregorMendel]

Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but I dont think it is at all selfish to delay having children to fulfill one's personal or professional goals. Furthermore, at my medical school, there are an equal number of my peers who are married with children and who are single, and I dont see any significant social stratification among them, aside from the obvious (happy hour does not involve the Wiggles, sadly). While children are a blessing, the decision of whether and when to have them is personal.

[Basilisa Marie]

I don't think the problem is wanting to delay or not even having children.  I think the problem is the attitude those people took towards someone who DID have a child.  And the reasons they gave were explicitly selfish, not about wanting to further one's career or whatever.  And the fact that they were implicitly condemning the OP for having kids in the first place is off, because they wouldn't want to be condemned for their choices either.  Also, I while I think most of the comments were fairly innocuous (if selfish), it was really rude to say the last one to the OP's face - "The last thing the world needs is another American consumer."  Who the heck says that to someone with kids?  

And I think the difference at med school is that you've got a separate common factor that keeps everyone together - the school.  In other situations you don't have that, so it's harder for marrieds with kids to hang out with singles and vice-versa. 

[Norseman82]

I guess the only thing about "child free" people or single people that "bothers" me is when they try to say "this is what you should do with your kids" (discipline, nutrition, etc) or "this is how marriage should be" or "This is how your spouse should treat you/this is what your spouse should be doing" blah blah blah. and i hear that more from the single/childless people who are active in the Church. 

 

And there is the flip side of married people telling single people how they should feel...

[Norseman82]

One I love is when couples get a dog and then say it is good practice for a child.  

 

That is not too far fetched (if you will excuse the pun).  It does teach you responsibility in caring for anotheer living being. 

[Socrates]

A couple of days ago, I was standing outside the Bowery Ballroom, waiting in line for a general admission rock concert featuring Amanda Palmer.  If you want to be way up in the front row, then you need to stake your spot out early and that was my goal for the night :)  So I struck a conversation with the people on my right and on my left.  Not surprisingly, I had nothing in common with them except for liking the headliner for that night but we were having a nice cordial conversation.

 

Until...... I casually mentioned that I had a 4 year old at home.

 

You'd think a bomb went off.  There was an awkward silence for a few seconds.  

 

"Yeah, I could never have kids."

 

"Me neither!  I just think that having them would really keep me from doing all the things I like to do, like traveling and being an artist."

 

"I know what you mean.  I'm a great uncle but I'm just not cut out to be a dad, I'm just too selfish!"

 

"The last thing the world needs is another American consumer."

 

And on and on it went.  I didn't talk about how much I love the Latin Mass, or praying the Rosary outside abortion clinics.  I didn't make them sit through an iPhone slideshow of all my daughter's most endearing moments. I'm not one of those parents that has nothing to talk about other than their kids.  All I did was casually mention that I happen to have a 4 year old and people automatically assume that I'm judging them for not having kids.  I guess this must be how vegetarians feel all the time.  

 

With the exception of my Catholic friends, everyone I know says they're "not ready" for kids yet. Outside the "bubble" of my parish and my circle of Catholic friends, I feel like a freak for having a child, especially at the age I am (29).  I'm in the local Mothers & More and most ladies here didn't start having kids until their late 30's, early 40's.  Whenever I take my daughter to the park, every mother there is over 5 years older than me and it makes me feel like I'm some kind of teen mom who got knocked up behind the bleachers, even though 25 is not young for having your first baby.  I guess my peers think they have better things to do?

 

Welcome back, Photo!

 

This whole thing is actually really alien to my experience.  I'm living in Texas, where it seems that most folks have at least a kid or two, and tend to start having them in their teens or twenties.  People seem to love my little daughter wherever she goes.  (When I lived in rural-ish Virginia, and often among a colony of hard-core Caths, the situation was similar.)

 

I can see getting flack over having a lot of kids, but people giving you poo over simply having a child seems really, really weird.  (It seems here, that if someone actually was opposed to whole idea of having children, they'd generally at least have the common decency to shut up about it.)

 

I suppose it's different cultures.  You live in the Pacific Northwest, right?

 

In many places, and in any time before recent decades, people would be more likely to think a woman a freak for not having kids at age 29.

 

 

Those hypocritical idiots who attack anyone who has a kid for "bringing another consumer into the world" should just altruistically shoot themselves in the head and do us all a favor.

Edited June 3, 2013 by Socrates

[Norseman82]

Yeah... then the go on to potty train their toddlers by spanking them on the nose with a newspaper-- it's just bad all around....

 

 

What I found ironic in the OP was the juxtaposition of the idea that "I can't do/buy what I want" and "why make more consumers?" Um.... Do you not realize that YOU are the self-absorbed consumer in this conversation??

 

 

Don't think a dog can prepare you for the onslaught of "WHYS" from a 4-yr old. And onslaught of ridiculous unanswerable questions from a 6 yr old.

 

Yes. Very ironic. They are the evil consumer that they don't want more of.

 

 

 Sadly those people who you met at the line waiting for the concert are the ones contributing to the Demographic Winter scenerio  where people are too selfish to breed and as a result have a fallout and/or decline in certian geographical popluated areas.

 

A friend of mine who works as a coach in a suburban high school remarks that some athletic programs are suffering because of lack of students because not as many kids are being born.  You need to have a certain growth rate in the population to keep the economy going (especially to fund social security and medicare).  I've read that teh only thing keeping the US going is immigration.

[homeschoolmom]

 

Those hypocritical idiots who attack anyone who has a kid for "bringing another consumer into the world" should just altruistically shoot himself in the head and do us all a favor.

How come no one ever says "Thank you" for bringing another tax payer into the world?

[Winchester]

And there is the flip side of married people telling single people how they should feel...

 

Stay on target, Porkins.
 

[Lil Red]

And there is the flip side of married people telling single people how they should feel...

 

note: i didn't say anything about how single people tell married people how they should feel. merely how they should act. :| also, i would generally assume that most married people had been single at some point in their lives, and would know how it feels to be single. most single people (excepting divorced single people) don't really know how marriage works and how different it is to be married than to be single.