Getting Through Rough Times

[OnlySunshine]

You don't need to rush! I can understand the impulse to want to have things right now, but that's never going to help you truly discern. Taking the pressure off is what will really help you. Let things happen as they do. I had to leave college last spring and that extended my college time by a year. At first I was so upset, because I just wanted to graduate so I could enter. In the end, that turned out to be a good thing because it gave me extra time to discern because the pressure wasn't there with my graduation impending. I know it must be frustrating to need those classes but have to wait, but if that's the way it is then it's just something you have to accept and see as something helpful, in that it gives you time to really sort through your feelings. 

 

EmilyAnn, I truly understand what you're saying.  But my therapist thinks otherwise.  She believes I need to move on and stop wasting time.  I've been seeing her for over a year and she has truly been the best therapist I've EVER seen.  She challenges me to move beyond my comfort zone (which I've been stuck in too long).  If it comes to me waiting and continuing in this degree program, believe me, I will do it.  But, if the opportunity arises where I can begin at the 4-year level sooner, I will.  :)

 

Also, I thought I should add that I'd be doing this with or without the idea of religious life.  I'm not doing it with the idea that I have to graduate so I can enter.  I don't have a place in mind to enter, I'm not in the application stage anymore, and I'm comfortable waiting to discern until later.  ;)

Edited June 3, 2013 by MaterMisericordiae

[beatitude]

Having ADD is one excellent reason to keep posting, not to stop, as writing things down will enable you to look back on your thoughts and see if you can spot any patterns in your thinking and behaviour that when you're caught up in the moment you might not be able to see. I also have huge problems with indecisiveness and choices, related to neurological difficulties of my own, and embarrassment over past impulsiveness is something I myself have faced. It does feel embarrassing, but it's really nothing to be ashamed of - we can learn valuable things from these difficulties and learning is the important thing.

[OnlySunshine]

Having ADD is one excellent reason to keep posting, not to stop, as writing things down will enable you to look back on your thoughts and see if you can spot any patterns in your thinking and behaviour that when you're caught up in the moment you might not be able to see. I also have huge problems with indecisiveness and choices, related to neurological difficulties of my own, and embarrassment over past impulsiveness is something I myself have faced. It does feel embarrassing, but it's really nothing to be ashamed of - we can learn valuable things from these difficulties and learning is the important thing.

 

:hehe:

 

I didn't consider that. 

[BarbTherese]

No, I'm aware of the support.  I just find myself embarrassed when I realize that the decision I made earlier was probably not the right one.  My best decision right now is probably to remain neutral and not shut any doors, especially if the desire for religious life is still there.  :)

 

You have my support and daily prayer also, MM.  And an excellent, sound and wise decision (Wisdom: first Gift of The Holy Spirit at Confirmation) to my mind at this point considering where you are in your own personal journey - insofar as I can discern anyway and thus faulted somewhere, somehow unless it is an informed discerning by me and informed by The Holy Spirit - no real way of knowing.  May Jesus reveal to you in every way that He is right in it all, your own and every journey in life no matter what and no matter where we might be in that journey - in fair or foul weather and/or in faithfulness and unfaithfulness on our part.  Jesus does not withdraw from us in unfaithfulness or sin in any way whatsoever ("sin" taken from Greek is translated "to miss the mark"). It is I who withdraw myself from Him.  What is His Response?  The Parable of The Good Shepherd.

 

Matthew Ch18      [12] What think you? If a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them should go astray: doth he not leave the ninety-nine in the mountains, and go to seek that which is gone astray? And if it so be that he find it: Amen I say to you, he rejoiceth more for that, than for the ninety-nine that went not astray.  Even so it is not the will of your Father, who is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish.

 

 

I can empathize with you that your decision was perhaps not so much "not the right one"  but rather to" not to shut any doors".  When I make a firm decision about anything, then I am walking through a particular door which then closes any other doors - simply because decision does infer options.  Fired with the passion and enthusiasm of youth, I entered a monastery simply because they would accept me at a very young age (my parents had to sign a consent form).  It proved to be a wrong decision and I left.  In my early forties and still hungering for monastic life (or, rather, the image in my mind I had of what life would be like FOR ME in monastic life) and chatting with a nun friend of mine one day, she suggested that I contact a monastic order with which she was very familiar that just might take me at around 43yrs old I think it might have been.  This Order did accept me.  It proved to be a wrong decision and I left.

 

The fascinating and amesome matter with overwhelming gratitude about my 67 years journey, is that in each and every situation that was in some way a major point in my life no matter it's nature, it had meaning to bring to my overall journey- and something to say that was important and remained as intrinsic to my journey to date.  At the time, some of these situations seemed and at times actually were really big mistakes and missteps - this spoke quite loudly to me about our theology which states that God would permit nothing whatsoever in life, be it wonderfully good or overwhelmingly evil, and all in-between, unless He intended to bring good out of even what is "overwhelmingly evil".  No more time available to research, but the latter theology is clearly stated in the Catholic Catchism (CCC).

 

At a point in my life years ago, I used to say "I can't even find the strand ends let alone try to make them meet".  I journeyed with that for quite some years before I could say "I can see that the different coloured strands in my life are now intertwining to make the one colourful thread".   I used to say "I keep knocking at the door of Heaven's Employment Office, but no one ever answers".  Nowadays I know beyond any doubt whatsoever what my personal vocation and invitation from Jesus actually is and my role in The Mystical Body of Christ on earth, The Church.  All this in my own life speaks and witnesses to the words of Jesus: "the smoking flax I will not quench, nor break the bruised reed" Such beautiful and comforting words of rich consolation and especially in times when I feel weak, almost defeated and overcome, almost in despair, by my own unfaithfulness in the face of the Absolute and Total Faithfulness of Jesus in my life with endless times of great consolation when He makes this very obvious and overt to me including to those who are very close to me.

 

A few years prior to my entrance in my forties, I had been talking with a religious who said something like this - "make a prayerful decision, a firm decision. Talk with priests and religious you know about your desire for religious life.  Seek sound advice on the matter. Then decide and  'go for it' with all your heart, mind and soul, and don't turn back no matter what.  Commitment in fair and foul weather is the key".  For The Lord's good reasons, that advice did not find a home in me, was not internalized and applied to my walk or journey in life AT THAT TIME. 

 

Some years it must have been, after I left the monastic Order in my early forties, Sister's advice came back to me almost suddenly and loud and clear and I understood where I was and in my discerning and what I had to do.  The other thing I realized was that what I WANTED was the image I had of what life would be like FOR ME in monastic life".  There can be a vast difference, even diametrical opposition, between what the imagination presents and the actual reality of any matter.  St Teresa of Avila constantly warns about the imagination (a very powerful human function never to be underestimated) and what Teresa terms "flights of the imagination" .  Thomas Merton gave similar strong warnings stating that the imagination not liberated will turn in on oneself and cause much mischief.  I think the latter was in his book Contemplation in a World of Action.  I realized that my investment re monastic life was an investment in my own imagination, rather than deeper motivation.  My motivation was all about me and realizing and satisfying, fulfilling, what my IMAGINATION presented to me of what monastic life would be like FOR ME".  My motivation was more about me and what I wanted and less about Jesus and to where He might be inviting me. 

 

I had a journey to undergo and that was to let go of what I wanted, what my imagination presented to me - and to strive to be completely open to Jesus present fully in the 'sacrament of the present moment'.  It took that journey for me to come to understand that Jesus was fully present to me in every way just as much as He would be in monastic life.  I came to realize that I could fully commit myself and my life to Him outside of monastic life.  Monastic life was simply one way of committing myself to Him.  Monastic life is a very important role within The Church and THE MYSTICAL BODY OF CHRIST ON EARTH in which we are all members with roles to fulfil by invitation and vital and important roles since no other person can ever fill that role as The Lord needs it effected and completed, along with the related quite personal and particular mission of every single person existing past, present or future.  I came to realize fully that there are many vocations, diverse and beautiful each in it's own particular way.  And each has a very important part to play in The Mystical Body of Christ on earth - a vital and essential importance - no matter how lowly and nondescript, seemingly quite useless even, role.

 

As I began ot search for Jesus in my present moment as they unfolded, cues and clues along the way began to reveal to me to where He was really calling me.  I coupled this with seeking advice from various religious and priests in an almost constant dialogue with them, I read whatever I could find almost relating generally to vocation/discerning of vocation. before my understanding was enlightened on the invitation Jesus was extending to me.

 

I can still feel holy envy, not that jealousy nor envy per se and against which St Paul strongly warns, but rather a "holy envy" an appreciation of what a religious life monastic vocation actually is - while on the feeling level, I can feel twinges of holy envy and yet a real and active Joy that another has indeed been invited by Jesus to monastic life especially, since I love it so much.  If I reason further about my sadness and HOLY ENVY I know in a quite conscious and very active manner, drawn from experience, that I do not have an invitation to religious monastic life, nor to religious life itself.  Rather Jesus is daily inviting me to a full commitment to Him and His Gospel in a very ordinary secular life in the laity.  The mistake I made initially under private vows (now many years life vows) was interpreting myself as some kind of active/contemplative religious who lived a life alone outside of a community setting and trying to formulate a way of life under those terms.  Somewhere, somehow, in my journey I began to wake up to just how big a mistake and misunderstanding completely of my personal vocation the latter actually was.

 

What I had done in my mistaken notion I was called to monastic life was romanticized (and much in monastic life as it is presented to 'outsiders' can lead to this big mistake by discerners) the monastic life and what it would be like for me - and fallen in love with my own romantic notions creating a false image of Jesus and He whom I loved.  I had fallen in love with my own romantic notions of Jesus, with my own imagination, rather than The Reality of Jesus.  My romanticizing of the whole bit had led me to a false notion that Jesus was inviting me to religious monastic life.  But it took a journey of years before all this clicked into a place finding a home and shelter within me.  I simply did not have an invitation and thus the necessary Graces to be a monastic nun nor a religious of any genre at least in those terms defined by The Church at this point - in truth and in reality, there is no real way to know beyond doubt that all the latter is actually so and a fact of reality and The Will or Invitation of God - short of a quite personal actual enlightenment by The Holy Spirit and thus a quite personal revealtion.  Much of life's journey is acting according to one's lights at the time and finding Peace and Joy in the Infinite Love and Mercy of Jesus.  Hindsight can be a wonderful Gift and tool - on the flip side, hindsight can be cruel unless one internalizes and lives out one's journey in the realization that most often most people will act according to their lights AT THE TIME.  To look back with the lights one has in the present moment and castigate oneself for wrong decisions and actions in the past is, frankly, the heights of the ludicrous.  We choose, act and decide with the lights we have and these will not necessarily be those lights granted to us at some future point.  "All things work together for those that Love God" or Julian of Norwich "All is well, all is well and all manner of things will be well" I would put into the latter "and all things were well" Paul to Romans Ch8 "[28] And we know that to them that love God, ALLTHINGS work together unto good, to such as, according to his purpose, are called to be saints. For whom he foreknew, he also predestinated to be made conformable to the image of his Son; that he might be the firstborn amongst many brethren. [30And whom he predestinated, them he also called. And whom he called, them he also justified. And whom he justified, them he also glorified."

 

 

Some, I am convinced, enter religious life with romantic notions as I had done - which to my mind is NOT an indication of no vocation but rather of a journey to be undertaken at some point and possibly within religious life to which they are truly invited, to purify motivation and engage with The Living Jesus in actual reality.  Others with a true vocation to religious life enter the life without romantic notions whatsoever - no illusions about the life.  Whereas I had entered knowing that the life just might be very difficult at times, but my imagination said that I would be willing to suffer anything whatsoever in order to be a nun.  With some others, they enter with the same willingness and it is not imaginary but a decision of the will.  When I entered, reality entered with me.  I discovered that I was not willing at all to suffer "anything whatsoever" just to be a nun.  Quite simply I did not have the necessary Graces of religious monastic life which is always, always, granted with an actual vocation.

 

Well I have wandered all over the place, but "It is finished" and daily I remember you in prayer, MM - and have done so for some time.  Now my day clicks into place.  My brother is taking me out for lunch and shopping.  My other brother is dropping in with meat for me free of charge (his youngest is a butcher) as I walk rapidly down Recovery Road after surgery.  My office manager from Head Office in St Vincent de Paul\ (I work there voluntary 2 days weekly) rang me yesterday and is very eager to have me back on deck at St Vinnies in the office, advising I can start and finish my day whenever I like.  I miss my work and fellow workmates at St Vinnies!  I am very much looking forward to my life going back to normality (whatever The Lord may ordain that normality for me actually wiil  and some changes 'in the wind'  - how 'dramatic' I don't know.  His Will unfolds in the moments and days and daily of every day).

[Chiquitunga]

Mater, my heart also goes out to you in all of this and I've been meaning to reply here forever... As you know, I've also had a pretty crazy long discernment too  :sweat: I remember last year when there was a thread about being envious of other people's vocations. I was so excited when that was posted, as it has been something I've been meaning to address for the longest time, although I never got around to posting in it. I think I have so many thoughts on this, that it would really take a good chunk of time and energy to get it all out. I am sure it is something all of us face and it really gets multiplied a thousand times over with the internet now! like crazy really... :twitch: lol  

 

One book that has really helped me with all of this is this one - https://www.tanbooks.com/index.php/Life-Message-of-Sr-Mary-of-Holy-Trinity She had a super long journey and was in and out of three communities before she found her final home. Also, in the revelations she received from Our Lord, all of which are in this book, http://www.amazon.com/Spiritual-Legacy-Sister-Mary-Trinity/dp/0895551659  a big theme of the messages is Our Lord's individual love for souls and He even addresses this topic of jealousy. Later I'll come back and post some of them. 

 

A little more about her here - http://www.mysticsofthechurch.com/2009/11/sister-mary-of-holy-trinity-poor-clare.html

[OnlySunshine]

Mater, my heart also goes out to you in all of this and I've been meaning to reply here forever... As you know, I've also had a pretty crazy long discernment too  :sweat: I remember last year when there was a thread about being envious of other people's vocations. I was so excited when that was posted, as it has been something I've been meaning to address for the longest time, although I never got around to posting in it. I think I have so many thoughts on this, that it would really take a good chunk of time and energy to get it all out. I am sure it is something all of us face and it really gets multiplied a thousand times over with the internet now! like crazy really... :twitch: lol  

 

One book that has really helped me with all of this is this one - https://www.tanbooks.com/index.php/Life-Message-of-Sr-Mary-of-Holy-Trinity She had a super long journey and was in and out of three communities before she found her final home. Also, in the revelations she received from Our Lord, all of which are in this book, http://www.amazon.com/Spiritual-Legacy-Sister-Mary-Trinity/dp/0895551659  a big theme of the messages is Our Lord's individual love for souls and He even addresses this topic of jealousy. Later I'll come back and post some of them. 

 

A little more about her here - http://www.mysticsofthechurch.com/2009/11/sister-mary-of-holy-trinity-poor-clare.html

 

Wow, she sounds like Leonie, St. Therese's blood sister.  I can't imagine how difficult that would be but I am glad she finally found her forever home.  :)

[nikita92]

I think Leonie had something along the lines of Aspergers! From everything that has been published describing her behavior(s), is pretty indicative along those lines. She finally made it though!!;)