Help! Crippling Discernment Anxiety.

[Ducky]

Hi VS-ers! I'm new to phatmass, but I've been a lurker for a while... 

 

This may be a long-ish post, btw, but I'm looking for advice.

 

Background: I have anxiety and OCD, which I am currently on medication for. Sometimes the OCD manifests as scrupulosity, but not always. 

 

Basically, I sorta-kinda have discerned, and by discerned, I really just mean worried and worried about what God is calling me to for a few years. I suppose there are some aspects of religious life that appeal to me, but generally, I don't really want to be a sister. However, I've always kind of felt like I should want to be a sister. It's not really an idea that has occurred to me on my own (like, "hey! Being a sister would be great!"), but more like "I guess I should consider religious life." I always get this anxiety that God is calling me to be a sister even though I don't really want to. I've prayed about it and gotten to the point where I was exasperated and, trying to relieve the anxiety, asked for a sign. I was like, well I'm just going to open the Bible and whatever passage I flip to, God is speaking to me. And I opened to 1 Corinthians 7. (You know the one--it is better to remain unmarried and all that.) I freaked out and it totally did not help relieve my anxiety at all. 

 

So this has been going on for a few years--every so often, this worry will grab hold of me and I'll spend late nights looking at orders online, trying to find some kind of signal that NO this life is not for me or YES you are called to this, and spend nights crying and time in prayer begging for God to just make His will clear to me. Once, I found some order online in the middle of the night that I felt I would be happy in, and I accepted that and was at peace for like a day, and then NOPE! So this sort of cycles.

 

Fairly recently, I wasn't feeling anxious about it at all. Then, I began a relationship with a young man who is truly incredible. He is a wonderful Catholic young man, with whom I have been friends for four years. Apparently, we both had feelings for each other, unbeknownst to the other, for the past few years, but the timing was definitely not right back then. We both had quite a bit of maturing to do. (I'm 21 now, if that helps.) I honestly feel that he brings me closer to Christ, and obviously it's early in the relationship, but I can definitely see the possibility of this relationship heading towards discernment of marriage.

 

I've suddenly been feeling this anxiety again about vocation. I never visited convents or anything, or really took discernment all that seriously. And now I'm suddenly terrified that I'll end up with this man without "trying out" religious life, so to speak, and giving God the first shot, I suppose. But I also don't want to break up with him, because I don't want to lose him. If I were to break up with him, I don't know if I would even end up visiting convents and such. I've just always sort of felt like God is probably calling me to religious life just because I so strongly don't want it, and I'm terrified of messing up and ending up in the wrong vocation.

 

I know this is terribly ramble-y, but I'm just so upset and don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice (and/or prayers!), I would greatly, greatly appreciate it :)

[arfink]

There is no requirement to try out religious life if you are not drawn to it. And I do mean drawn, not driven. Don't look at convents because you are afraid of not knowing, or afraid of doing the wrong thing. Fear is not a good motivator for anything, especially not this kind of thing.

 

Some people say that a strong aversion to something means you have to do it, because God is calling you by your disgust of a thing. That is most certainly NOT true, God did not make us for that purpose. Often people can be drawn to do things they would not normally wish to do, but that is only because God is offering them something more beautiful and attractive in the process. If you do not see that piece there now, do not think you must do things you do not desire to do.

[arfink]

Also, do not be terrified of ending up in the wrong vocation. There is no such thing. Your vocation is to know and love God in this life and the next, and these particulars of marriage or religious life are just that: particulars. You DO get some say in which one you want to pick! God never forces anything on us, and He will accept our love no matter which way we live our life. Discernment is the process of deciding which one you think will allow you to best love God. Often times it's not clear-cut, and often hinges on seemingly mundane and practical things, especially when discerning religious life versus married life, since both are very excellent paths to loving God.

Edited May 18, 2013 by arfink

[AccountDeleted]

Hi VS-ers! I'm new to phatmass, but I've been a lurker for a while... 

 

I always get this anxiety that God is calling me to be a sister even though I don't really want to.

 

 

Peace. You don't have a vocation to religious life. Relax and follow your heart, not those oppressive thoughts.

 

How can I be so definite? The first sign of a religious vocation is an attraction to the life. You say 'I really don't want to'. I think that pretty much says it all. Why would God want to call you to something that obviously would make you miserable. Even writing about it fills you with anxiety. A call from God is a call to the heart, and it feels like being romanced, not being threatened.

 

Second sign of a vocation, the ability to live the life - you would hardly be able to do that if the very thought of it causes you anxiety and distress.

 

Third sign of a vocation, acceptance by a community. If I were a Vocation Director and read your post above, I would very firmly tell you that there is no way you would even be considered, let alone accepted.

 

For those who want to leap in here and tell me that sometimes you feel an aversion to the call - well, yes, sometimes one can wonder why God is calling and even feel a hesitation or fear about being able to do it - but that's not what Ducky is expressing here. Her statement is pretty strongly against even the possibility of having a vocation.

 

So live your life to the full, loving God and praising Him in all that you do and say. :)

Edited May 18, 2013 by nunsense

[AnneLine]

I'll second what Nunsense and ARFink just said.  And I will say that after discerning religious communities myself and having lived in a Secular Order for over 30 years and been involved with vocational discernment and formation in that Secular Order community for over 20 years. 

 

There are some people who really do have a push/pull relationship with a religious or Secular order vocation -- it BOTH draws and repels them.  But if you really don't have the draw... then let it go.  Absolutely let it go.   

 

God made each of us unique and for a purpose.... and if you aren't being drawn toward religious life, it is because God wants you to find Him in a different way.  You may find it as a single person, you may find it in marriage and possibly in children.   You may find it in work, or in the formal or in formal work you do for your parish or other organization.  

 

Bottom Line -- God has need for people in ALL those places.  So be at peace, and move forward toward what IS drawing you... and let God unfold with you the plans He has in His heart for you...  the ones that will give you peace, and all the pieces you will need to serve Him better.

 

I will be praying for you....

[TheresaThoma]

I second what everyone has said above. If you can't find any peace about discernment/religious life then that is a pretty big indicator that you aren't called to that. 

So I would say focus on the relationship you are in now. Try not to let this anxiety distract you.

[Kateri89]

This may or may not be good advice but in addition to what the others have said, if you're still feeling like you need to check out religious life, just go on a short retreat.  NOT a vocation retreat but just a retreat in a convent to see what it's like to spend time with Sisters.  And make sure that before you go on retreat you mentally prepare yourself--->Don't go with any expectations and don't go there obsessing about signs.  Just go there to spend time with Christ and relax and take it all in.  If you still feel uncomfortable, you probably have your answer.  We can't always rely on our emotions but if it causes this much anxiety, that might be a sign in itself.

 

Here is the way I see it: God calls all of us to a particular vocation but he's not likely going to strike us with lightning to get His point across.  If you concentrate on deepening your prayer life and abandoning your will to God, He will show you.  The two qualities I've had to learn the hard way in my discernment are patience and trust.  Don't rush into marriage or religious life.  Let things unfold at their own pace and you'll be right where you're supposed to be.  If we live out our call to holiness on a daily basis, one day we'll look up and realize we followed our vocation without even knowing how we got there.

 

Prayers for you!

[MarysLittleFlower]

Since I dont know your situation (and perhaps it's something to discuss with a good priest or a vocations director :)) I can't say very much but here are just some thoughts I had while reading your post... you said that you dont' want to be a religious and the thought fills you with anxiety. In my understanding, usually a person would feel drawn to the life, even if there's fear of letting things go, leaving family, etc. What type of anxiety is it? Is it fear of leaving everything? fear of making the wrong choice? etc. It could maybe help you to find more peace first, and then when you have more peace and feel closer to God, then continuing your discernment. I know it's hard though, to just leave this unfinished: I know cause I have scrupulosity too. I'd recommend asking a good priest to guide you, when the OCD becomes scrupulosity.

 

Maybe I'd examine also why and how you decided to discern religious life to begin with. If there's a good motive - and then eventually it became fear based - then maybe you could look into it once you are calmer. But I don't think also that God scares us into our vocation. It's not a "do this or else........" it's more of being drawn TO the life. However, I guess the question is - is there a religious vocation underneath all the fear? Maybe right now would be a good time to deal with the fear first, get rid of it, and then see about religious life. Why do you fell you must look into religious life? If there's a motive like "I feel God calling me to this" then maybe you could start with that. If it's just that "everyone needs to look into it, JUST IN CASE" - then ask yourself, is there anything leading you to religious life? If there is, then maybe figure out what those things are, and then discern them. But just don't make it about the fear itself. That wouldn't help... it's actualy VERY difficult to hear God when we're anxious, unless somehow His voice gets through the anxiety. But it's hard to open up, generally.

 

If you have no liking at all for the religious life, if you're not drawn to it, if you have no indications that you *could* potentially be called, but you're still looking into it "JUST IN CASE" - I'd maybe let it rest until the scrupulosity is more under control. In any case, it could really help to deal with the scrupulosity as soon as possible.

 

I would ask - WHY do you feel like you should want to be a sister? and then go from there :)

 

I'm not saying if you do or you don't have a vocation. I dont know about this. But - just see where the fear is coming from, and if you have anything leading you to the vocation. Not just people in general needing to discern their vocations - but you, in particular. Have you always believed you should be a sister? or since when? why? etc. If you do have a vocation, then the fear would be something to deal with anyways, to progress in discernment.

 

I'm not saying that i have a vocation... but when I first thought of being a sister, what scared me a lot is the idea that "this could really be" and I'd have to leave everything. I felt drawn to the life too though, and over time, I became more drawn to it and began to like it. But the fear was there, and it's maybe a natural type of fear. What type of fear do you have? what are you afraid of or nervous about? what do you think could help? But maybe talking to someone about it would be best! not just trying to figure it out on your own...

Edited May 19, 2013 by MarysLittleFlower

[MarysLittleFlower]

By the way... just a thought.... at first glance, just reading this, it's perhaps easy to conclude that there's no religious vocation if the primary thing driving you to it is fear. But what if there's something beyond this fear, and the fear is kind of a by-product of not fully opening up to God about your vocation, or distrust, etc. Is there anything? What is the fear of? That's why I asked :) I'd recommend dealing with the fear first.......... then maybe you'll know more.... if there's anything else in it, if it's from God, maybe you'll know, when the fear is gone and you're calmer. :) if the whole and entire reason you began looking into religious life is because of fear and you aren't drawn to it AT ALL, it would probably go away with the fear. I don't mean being drawn to it in your emotions (I know how emotions can be with scrupulosity) or what we're drawn to naturally, but within yourself, if on some level it give you joy to just be Christ's in this way. If it gives you joy but also a natural type of fear (of taking such a big step), the fear isn't really paralyzing, but - perhaps a paralyzing sort of fear could come from not surrendering something fully to God? I don't know that' just my experience.

 

Main point I'm trying to make: the fear is NOT HELPFUL for your vocation. If you're supposed to be a religious, the fear is blocking you from accepting it fully. If not, the fear is blocking you from accepting your vocation. You don't need the fear, it's useless, and making things harder for you. It might also be related to distrust of God, maybe pray about that, and if that's the case. (I can't say).

 

Try to maybe reflect on some points such as:

 

- God is good.

- God loves you!

- He gave you a vocation as a gift, a way to love Him, it's a good thing, not a punishment.

- If it's religious life, then if God calls you to it, it would be your happiness, no matter how scary it might seem now.

- If it's not religious life, then don't be scrupulous about giving up religious life, because God prepared graces for YOU in YOUR vocation. This is something individual.

- God knows you and how He made you. He knows more than you know about yourself. He knows the things that would make you happy, or what wouldn't, or how you can best serve Him, or what exactly you can bring to His Kingdom.

- He did create you with a knowledge of where He wants you in His Kingdom: everyone has a purpose, and it's UNIQUE, so you don't have to follow a vocation just because others are doing it.

- God knows the future

- So because of all this, we can TRUST Him

- He is waiting to help you if you open up and surrender your fear

- There's really nothing to be afraid of! If it's religious life, God would give you ALL the graces you need for it, and it would work out, exactly how He wants it to be. And since God is good, exactly how He wants it to be - is a good thing that would also lead to you being happy with Him, and it would bring glory to God. If it is not religious life, God would never be displeased at you for not choosing it, but He would want you to choose YOUR vocation which is His will.

- you are SAFE with following God's will.

- Say to God "not as I want, but according to Thy word, let it be done unto me" until you really mean it :)

 

Just some thoughts I had! you can add any that you want. God bless you :)

Edited May 19, 2013 by MarysLittleFlower

[AnneLine]

Ducky, several people including myself have given you advice. Almost all of us think you should just let this go after discussing it with your spiritual director... and I still think that is the right answer.

 

MLF seems to still think you should discern, or keep asking youself questions about this, and I politely disagree with her, because I think you already have your answer, and there is no value to stirring this up further in your soul.

 

Why don't you print out this thread and take it to your spiritual director (and possibly to those who are helping you with the OCD) and see if they have any thoughts or feedback.

 

Bottom line - I think you have enough information now to stop looking at this thread and take this to the people with whom you are working.

 

And I will pray for you.

 

 

[MarysLittleFlower]

Ducky, several people including myself have given you advice. Almost all of us think you should just let this go after discussing it with your spiritual director... and I still think that is the right answer.

 

MLF seems to still think you should discern, or keep asking youself questions about this, and I politely disagree with her, because I think you already have your answer, and there is no value to stirring this up further in your soul.

 

Why don't you print out this thread and take it to your spiritual director (and possibly to those who are helping you with the OCD) and see if they have any thoughts or feedback.

 

Bottom line - I think you have enough information now to stop looking at this thread and take this to the people with whom you are working.

 

And I will pray for you.

 

Anne Line, I just wanted to clarify a little what i meant :) maybe I was unclear. I don't think that Ducky should keep on worrying and keep on examining and re-examining the issue, like what is happening. This kind of worrying isn't really helpful discernment. What I meant was to deal with the fear, the scrupulosity, instead of thinking of this for now - and then when things are better, if Ducky feels genuinely drawn to a religious vocation (rather than it just being fear based) then it's something to keep discerning. If not, then they can just keep going in the direction God would guide them. I think it's best to not keep worrying about it though. I also recommended to speak to a spiritual director or someone about the fear and scrupulosity because it's confusing on your own and you just keep going around in circles.

 

The reason I didn't want to just say to leave it forever is because I really don't know what plans God has for the OP (and of course none of us do :)). But while this fear is there, it's probably really hard to figure this out and to make any decision. I don't think the OP should choose religious life just based on this fear, while experiencing the fear... I think it might be good to just take a break from examining it and worrying about it, and just come closer to God, and then see how they feel when they're more at peace. If this is just fear based, it should go away when there's peace, correct? :)

 

I don't at all think that Ducky should just continue worrying though. Just - take a break from the worrying, come closer to God, and then when you have peace, see how you feel about it. In time, the vocation you have would become clearer. We might not know at first, but we can just trust God and know later.

Edited May 19, 2013 by MarysLittleFlower

[God's Beloved]

I really just mean worried and worried about what God is calling me to for a few years.

 

I suppose there are some aspects of religious life that appeal to me, but generally, I don't really want to be a sister. However, I've always kind of felt like I should want to be a sister.

 

Fairly recently, I wasn't feeling anxious about it at all. Then, I began a relationship with a young man who is truly incredible. He is a wonderful Catholic young man, with whom I have been friends for four years. Apparently, we both had feelings for each other, unbeknownst to the other, for the past few years, but the timing was definitely not right back then. We both had quite a bit of maturing to do. (I'm 21 now, if that helps.) I honestly feel that he brings me closer to Christ, and obviously it's early in the relationship, but I can definitely see the possibility of this relationship heading towards discernment of marriage.

 

 

 

 Sorry , I had time only to skim thru the thread .Just to add some observations which others do not seem to have mentioned above:

 

1] OCD could be the cause of the "obsession to search for religious orders" in spite of being in a relationship which could lead to marriage.

 

2] You mentioned there are 'some' aspects of religious life that appeal to you , but you don't really want to be a sister. Could you specify 'what aspects ' appeal to you ?

 

Often when it comes to vocational discernment , even Vocation directors are so focused on traditional  religious life in monasteries and convents , that they don't even consider other forms of consecrated life e.g. Secular or Missionary institutes , Consecrated persons living in community in the New Ecclesial movements like Focolare , Miles Jesu[ wonder whether they have a women's section] etc but who neither call themselves Sister , nor dress in a habit nor have the rigid structure of convents. They live the evangelical counsels in the midst of the world.

 

There are also vocations where you don't have to live together in community .e.g several secular institutes and lay associations of consecrated life.

 

3] If you are at peace with the possibility of marriage but still feel drawn towards 'some' aspects of religious life  e.g. you wish to give God the first place in your life, you want to serve the church or the world , to evangelize , you wish to make some form of commitment to serve God , then its possible  today for married couples too. e.g. Couples for Christ.

 

Keep a watch on your OCD , be Open to the Holy Spirit , think out of the box ------these are my suggestions.

 

Praying for you !

GB

[MarysLittleFlower]

I'm reading a book about celibacy and in the book, the priest talks about how religious life isn't just what we do, it's who we are... if you're drawn to aspects of religious life like belonging only to Christ, giving up everything for Him (even though on a natural human level this might scare you), devoting yourself fully to what He wants, helping Him to save souls, etc - (maybe the list isnt' complete) and if you feel in the world it's just "not enough" and you're called to love God in a fuller type of way so you give up everything else to love Him better.... that's more of a sign of a vocation than just ONLY being drawn to things like community life or habits or things like a teaching or nursing apostolate.

[arfink]

On a more practical note... if this guy is good to you and you love him, you should probably keep him. ;) Just sayin'.

[Ducky]

Thank you all so much! I have calmed down a bit and honestly feel a ton better after reading your replies. My anxiety is definitely not gone, but it's lessened. In response to a couple points...

 

The aspects of religious life that appeal to me are the simplicity of it, that it's a surer path to heaven, and that in some ways, I feel the only worthwhile work is that which will last after our earthly lives--work that will bring souls to heaven. However, I think I have probably romanticized religious life to some extent, and you can certainly do work to bring souls to heaven outside of religious life. I do think it is beautiful to be 100% devoted to Christ in religious life, and I feel a bit "lesser" that I would prefer to have a husband and children rather than belong to Christ alone, but I may just be misunderstanding the vocation of marriage.

 

I think in some ways this worry is harming my relationship with God, too. Every time I have a good experience in Adoration or Mass, I worry that becoming closer to the Lord will cause me to want to have a religious vocation. Silly, I know, because if that's what I wanted then I'd be ok with it! I think you're all right, though--I definitely need to discuss this with a spiritual director.