Getting Started On Dating

[OnlySunshine]

After discerning religious life for 5 years, I am convinced that God is calling me down a different path in life.  I am experiencing a growing attraction to marriage and family life but I've never seriously dated anyone.  I dated a co-worker once but he was not respectful of my belief in no premarital sex.  This was before I reverted, however, and I do not want to date anyone who is non-Catholic, especially after witnessing how difficult it is for a friend of mine who married an agnostic.  I don't want to be in her situation because he doesn't respect her beliefs and holds a grudge against her when she wants to go to Mass or spend time in various ministries. 

 

I opened up accounts on CatholicMatch and CatholicSingles but I'm inexperienced.  I have attended a Young Adult group in my diocese and know there are some young men who are members but most of them are married, including the young man I had a crush on (before he was married).

 

I would really like to meet someone who shares a lot of my same beliefs, especially about the faith and promoting vocations to the priesthood and religious life within their family (I think this is why God called me to discern since I didn't know about vocations until I was 24).

 

How do I go about meeting young men to date?  I don't want to appear too forward but I'm almost 30 years old and I am reaching the age where it will be harder to have a family if God is calling me to be married.  Any tips for the inexperienced?

[arfink]

If you're interested in a guy, talk to him. Guys are not good about hints. You don't have to start by saying you like him. It could be as simple as introducing yourself, getting to know them, and sharing a little about yourself.

[OnlySunshine]

I know what you mean. When I had a crush on the guy in my YA group, I am not even sure he knew that I liked him. Of course, he's now off the market but I wasn't really interested in dating since I was discerning religious life.

I was pretty forward in my younger years. I had confidence to ask guys out and I'd probably do it again if I really liked someone. But I have little to no dating experience. I'd really like to date someone who is respectful. :)

[arfink]

I know what you mean.  When I had a crush on the guy in my YA group, I am not even sure he knew that I liked him.  Of course, he's now off the market but I wasn't really interested in dating since I was discerning religious life. 

 

I was pretty forward in my younger years.  I had confidence to ask guys out and I'd probably do it again if I really liked someone.  But I have little to no dating experience.  I'd really like to date someone who is respectful.  :)

 

Well, all I can say there is, you know what you want. Don't be afraid to ask for it if you think dating might be a possibility. Find out right away. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, you could even bring it up in casual conversation, and ask for a guy's opinion on this matter or that matter. You absolutely have the right to ask questions like that of a guy before you date, especially in the area of sexuality and stuff. That is so critical I wouldn't even think of getting serious about a relationship without asking that first.

[arfink]

EDIT: removed because I'm just stating the painfully obvious. :P Tact is good.

Edited May 16, 2013 by arfink

[InPersonaChriste]

I know it is probably frustrating, but really all you can do is pray. If God really wants you on that path of marraige, the man will find you. I truly believe that.

 

Praying for you! :pray:

[missionseeker]

I've never had the problem of me being too forward (and I would suspect that if a guy is scared away by you being too forward there's actually something else wrong there. I mean who doesn't like to not have to guess "is this person into me or does he not even notice my existence") but I have had the can't do the no sex thing. Which sucks. BUT I have to say, dating a Catholic guy is not necessarily a no problems in that area solution. I dated a catholic who didn't always respect when I told him no way more than the who guy left because I wouldn't sleep with him. 

 

Other than that, I have no input because I suck at dating. 

[Basilisa Marie]

The only thing I can say is that dating takes a lot of patience.  

[CrossCuT]

After discerning religious life for 5 years, I am convinced that God is calling me down a different path in life.  I am experiencing a growing attraction to marriage and family life but I've never seriously dated anyone.  I dated a co-worker once but he was not respectful of my belief in no premarital sex.  This was before I reverted, however, and I do not want to date anyone who is non-Catholic, especially after witnessing how difficult it is for a friend of mine who married an agnostic.  I don't want to be in her situation because he doesn't respect her beliefs and holds a grudge against her when she wants to go to Mass or spend time in various ministries. 

 

I opened up accounts on CatholicMatch and CatholicSingles but I'm inexperienced.  I have attended a Young Adult group in my diocese and know there are some young men who are members but most of them are married, including the young man I had a crush on (before he was married).

 

I would really like to meet someone who shares a lot of my same beliefs, especially about the faith and promoting vocations to the priesthood and religious life within their family (I think this is why God called me to discern since I didn't know about vocations until I was 24).

 

How do I go about meeting young men to date?  I don't want to appear too forward but I'm almost 30 years old and I am reaching the age where it will be harder to have a family if God is calling me to be married.  Any tips for the inexperienced?

 

I tried the online dating sites and while they DEFINITELY work for people, I had a few complaints probably only because Im strange.

The only thing I did not like about the dating sites was that you would be searching through all these profiles, find someone you might be interested in, chat with them, find youd like to pursue them more, and then what? After the first dinner/date on youre "dating"?

 

It seemed odd to me. I felt like I still didnt really know them very well.

I had attempted this process with about 5 guys...none of which worked out. It is however also highly possible that the reason I felt things were too fast was because I wasnt attracted to any of them enough to make an emotional attachment.

 

I met my boyfriend online but not through a dating site. We knew each other for a year without the idea of romantic interest on our minds (well, at least not outwardly hehe) so when we kind of stepped over that dating/friends line, we both felt very comfortable with it.

 

Obviously you dont have to be considered "officially" dating someone after the first dinner together but it was my experience that it was sort of the expectation. I like getting to know someone as a friend without the dating pressure involved so that its a less stressful experience.

[CrossCuT]

The only thing I can say is that dating takes a lot of patience.  

Absolutely!

I found that even after I was proactively looking for someone to start a relationship with, going on a lot of dates, and increasing my social networking, it still took me 2 and a half years.

[OnlySunshine]

I tried the online dating sites and while they DEFINITELY work for people, I had a few complaints probably only because Im strange.

The only thing I did not like about the dating sites was that you would be searching through all these profiles, find someone you might be interested in, chat with them, find youd like to pursue them more, and then what? After the first dinner/date on youre "dating"?

 

It seemed odd to me. I felt like I still didnt really know them very well.

I had attempted this process with about 5 guys...none of which worked out. It is however also highly possible that the reason I felt things were too fast was because I wasnt attracted to any of them enough to make an emotional attachment.

 

I met my boyfriend online but not through a dating site. We knew each other for a year without the idea of romantic interest on our minds (well, at least not outwardly hehe) so when we kind of stepped over that dating/friends line, we both felt very comfortable with it.

 

Obviously you dont have to be considered "officially" dating someone after the first dinner together but it was my experience that it was sort of the expectation. I like getting to know someone as a friend without the dating pressure involved so that its a less stressful experience.

 

Yeah, I'm still not convinced about dating websites.  I feel weird, especially when I see someone I know on there.  I'd really rather meet someone in person or build up a relationship a different way.  I'm totally fine with the idea of being friends first, especially since I'm not in a rush to marry since I still need to finish school but I do like the idea of at least meeting people and seeing what happens.  :)

[franciscanheart]

Since you asked, my suggestion is to just go about your life as if God is waiting to introduce you to your future husband in some place you already need to be or go. That is, go to school, pursue your extra-curricular interests, live your life; if it is God's plan for you to be married, HE will know how and when to make that happen. Don't turn down the opportunity to get to know someone -- it's probably not going to be a flashing neon arrow sign -- but don't focus too much on meeting someone either. (I say this because I've already seen you don't want to pursue someone on a dating site. If you want something "natural", you'll have to go about your life naturally, not on the prowl.)

Why do I suggest the same old thing everyone else suggests and seems like FLOWERS AND BUNNIES AND RAINBOWS even though it probably won't work? Because I believe it does. And is probably a great way to meet someone, if you're opposed to online dating. Why am I so confident?


A friend of mine moved away to California for graduate school about a year and a half ago. In six months, she'll be married to one of her classmates.

Another friend of mine moved away to Chicago for graduate school and met her boyfriend of one year. We're expecting an engagement any day now.

One friend started her own business. She married a client last summer.

My friend J met her husband through kickball.

My mom and dad met at the apartment pool when my mom's stepdad fell from bed and my mom couldn't lift him on her own.

My aunt met my uncle at a country western dance class.

My friends S and J met each other doing stand-up comedy.

My friends L and T met doing service work with their jobs.

My friends T and M met during undergraduate, years apart in study.

My friends H and M met in Austin at a coffee shop.

B's daughter K met her now-husband at a mutual friend's wedding.


It happens. All the time. To people who go out and live their lives. Go out. Live your life. Be happy. When you're doing that, you'll find the person God intends you to find. Or you won't. But that'll be God, too. Trust. And live.

[Roamin Catholic]

This belongs more in open Mic, you'll get better feedback there.

[CrossCuT]

Yeah, I'm still not convinced about dating websites.  I feel weird, especially when I see someone I know on there.  I'd really rather meet someone in person or build up a relationship a different way.  I'm totally fine with the idea of being friends first, especially since I'm not in a rush to marry since I still need to finish school but I do like the idea of at least meeting people and seeing what happens.  :)

Yeah, you are bound to run into people you know on the smaller dating sites like the ones you mentioned above.

I used eHarmony when I was seeking people through online sites because it had MANY more options. You can select religious preferences so that they dont pair you up with someone who isnt Catholic if you choose. It may help with the volume of other prospects youre exposed to if youre looking into that route.

 

But of course the biggest suggestion is to not sweat it. 

I like to consider dating like pregnancy (wait for it! I have a point hahaha). Sometimes people who wants kids SOOOOOOOOOOOO bad stress themselves out and then do not get pregnant because of it. But the MOMENT you relax, take things as they come, and really just feel comfortable with yourself and who you are...things will happen.

 

Just do stuff youre interested in. I met my boyfriend playing an online video game hahaah! Its something we both enjoyed so it ended up being the medium that brought us together.

Maybe you enjoy singing! Find a local choir to join, meet people etc!

Or maybe youre a HUGE sports fan!!! So find a local team to join and meet people etc

 

The first step is to just do something fun. Find a hobby or activity that you ENJOY and do it! It wont feel like work at all and things will fall into place. When you are comfortable and confident, people notice. :)

[BG45]

Guy here.  Everyone I've ever discerned a relationship with, or the one I was in, have told me the same thing.  I'm exceptionally dense. Therefore, I reiterate what arfink said about guys being a bit daft in knowing when girls are into them, at least some of us are.