Beginning Phases Of A Relationship

[carmenchristi]

I am posting this here rather than open mic because I am an adult with nearly 0 relationship experience and don't want teenagers getting mixed in the topic.

About a year ago I discerned out of any more attempts at religious life and started being open to the idea of marriage. I have begun to become friends with a young gentleman whom I have known already for several years. I am just starting to realize that I am "head over heels".... I feel like a stupid high schooler again. The relationship is not at all superficial and not at all physical. My question is how does one deal with all these crazy feelings that I never asked for and live maturely the initial stages of what could become a serious relationship. Do I just ignore them? Wait until they go away? Or maybe learn to just take them for what they are and move on normally (how!?). Any help? Any advice? I thought I could will myself to stay out of this situation, but it has proven useless. Still, I know that while these feelings aren't necessarily bad, they could get in the way of healthy discernment.

Please any advice from the pros (ie successfully married folks)? Thanks!

Edited May 9, 2013 by carmenchristi

[Tufsoles]

Your feelings are normal. Of Course, the beginning stages of a relationship your going to have feelings like that but I would suggest that you should pray and discern about this and ask god to guide you. Also listen to god to what he wants you to do.

 

Lil Red, HSM, Papist, where are you?

[IcePrincessKRS]

Are you dating him? Maybe you should give that a shot.

[MissyP89]

If you're open to marriage and feeling feelings for the guy, then it's a nudge in the right direction if you ask me. :)

[IcePrincessKRS]

If you're open to marriage and feeling feelings for the guy, then it's a nudge in the right direction if you ask me. :)

 

Exactly. If you want to get married attraction is a good place to start.
 

[Winchester]

If God seriously doesn't want you to explore the possibility of a relationship with Little Lord Fauntleroy, He'll drop a safe on him, or something. Which would be a great story in the convent.

 

Feeling like a highschooler as regards this sort of thing is sort of cool. Enjoy that. And go out for tea and crumpets, or whatever it is young gentlemen do to entertain their ladyfriends.

[carmenchristi]

You guys are awesome! I have become enemies with my feelings, thanks to bad religious formation. So I'm relieved that you all say that it's ok to feel this way! I'm not actually "dating" my gentleman friend but we go out to dinner and stuff fairly often. So my next question is: how long should 2 people go on dropping hints to one another? I mean, once the hints have been mutually understood, then what? Do you like tell the person directly how you feel? It seems like once the hint phase has accomplished it's purpose then something else is supposed to happen. I feel like he is waiting for some sort of response or permission from me. I'm all about taking it slow, but wouldn't want to exasperate the poor guy either ;)

Oh and thanks Winnie for the encouragement. I will tel him that he doesn't have to worry about whether or not actually had/have a religious vocation because a safe will fall on him in the case of failed correspondence with the divine plan. Sounds great!

[CatherineM]

With my husband, hints weren't enough. I literally trapped him in a corner and kissed him.

[AnneLine]

If God seriously doesn't want you to explore the possibility of a relationship with Little Lord Fauntleroy, He'll drop a safe on him, or something. Which would be a great story in the convent.

 

 

 

...... I feel like he is waiting for some sort of response or permission from me. I'm all about taking it slow, but wouldn't want to exasperate the poor guy either ;)

Oh and thanks Winnie for the encouragement. I will tel him that he doesn't have to worry about whether or not actually had/have a religious vocation because a safe will fall on him in the case of failed correspondence with the divine plan. Sounds great!

 

Been where you are, CarmenChristi!    

 

I'd suggest you not wait as long as Mr. AL and I did.... we waited uh.... almost 7 years before getting serious.  WAY too long!

 

When I got tired of hinting & finally asked directly what the problem was, I found out that at some level he really WAS afraid that if he got serious with me God might come get him.   (Maybe it is the Italian in him?   La Mafia Divina?   Seriously?!)

 

Anyway, I didn't laugh--because I could see he really was frightened-- and assured him, MOST SERIOUSLY, and with great love that God and I had figured out where we stood, and that I was pretty sure God didn't have any problems with him courting me... in fact seemed to rather like the idea.  And so we dated.

 

And got engaged...

And got married 20 years ago this month.

 

And then 8 years later, Mr AnneLine got cancer.  Pretty serious - Stage 3.  

 

And after about 5 days of silence where we didn't say what we were thinking, I finally said, "Sweety, do you remember why you hesitated about dating me?"  "Yes, I do remember"  "Do you remember what you told me you were scared about?" "Yup, I thought God would come and get me."  "Are you thinking He's coming?"  "I know it is silly, but, yes, I've been thinking about that."  "Love, God doesn't work like that.  Really.   Let that one go."

 

So he did.  

 

And instead of la maffia divina, me and my boys -- my Secular Order -- prayed him up a miracle. 

 

That was 12 years ago, and nobody has come for him yet.   Except me, with a frying pan, on occasion, for good reasons. ;)

 

 

 

Carmen, I think that at some level, silly as it sounds, it CAN be a real fear.   And so just address it.   Talk it into the open.

 

 Once it is out in the open, you guys CAN laugh about it. 

 

 

And... If the safe is gonna fall, it is safe to say it is gonna fall.   But I doubt it.....

[carmenchristi]

With my husband, hints weren't enough. I literally trapped him in a corner and kissed him.

Wow... And I was worried that I might appear too forward if I tried to get him to hold my hand ;)

[carmenchristi]

Been where you are, CarmenChristi!

I'd suggest you not wait as long as Mr. AL and I did.... we waited uh.... almost 7 years before getting serious. WAY too long!

When I got tired of hinting & finally asked directly what the problem was, I found out that at some level he really WAS afraid that if he got serious with me God might come get him. (Maybe it is the Italian in him? La Mafia Divina? Seriously?!)

Anyway, I didn't laugh--because I could see he really was frightened-- and assured him, MOST SERIOUSLY, and with great love that God and I had figured out where we stood, and that I was pretty sure God didn't have any problems with him courting me... in fact seemed to rather like the idea. And so we dated.

And got engaged...
And got married 20 years ago this month.

And then 8 years later, Mr AnneLine got cancer. Pretty serious - Stage 3.

And after about 5 days of silence where we didn't say what we were thinking, I finally said, "Sweety, do you remember why you hesitated about dating me?" "Yes, I do remember" "Do you remember what you told me you were scared about?" "Yup, I thought God would come and get me." "Are you thinking He's coming?" "I know it is silly, but, yes, I've been thinking about that." "Love, God doesn't work like that. Really. Let that one go."

So he did.

And instead of la maffia divina, me and my boys -- my Secular Order -- prayed him up a miracle.

That was 12 years ago, and nobody has come for him yet. Except me, with a frying pan, on occasion, for good reasons. ;)



Carmen, I think that at some level, silly as it sounds, it CAN be a real fear. And so just address it. Talk it into the open.

Once it is out in the open, you guys CAN laugh about it.


And... If the safe is gonna fall, it is safe to say it is gonna fall. But I doubt it.....

Wow! Thanks for sharing your story! It helps me get some perspective. I certainly won't be waiting 7 years because he only has 1 year left at this school and then will go to Germany, or Mexico or some other angle of the earth. So we have 1 year to figure things out ;) we are also not getting any younger!!!

But really thanks everyone for your comments. They are helpful and lead me to think that I have something good and should pursue it to find out if it could be something more.

[arfink]

All I can say is what I know, which is, guys don't tend to understand hints (not even a little bit) but are generally delighted to hear they are liked in a more direct way.

[carmenchristi]

All I can say is what I know, which is, guys don't tend to understand hints (not even a little bit) but are generally delighted to hear they are liked in a more direct way.

Thanks!

[ImageTrinity]

All the romantic feelings are God's gift. Enjoy them! :)

 

My husband also hung back for about a year because of my discernment. It's definitely worth talking about openly! ;)

[CatholicsAreKewl]

All I can say is what I know, which is, guys don't tend to understand hints (not even a little bit) but are generally delighted to hear they are liked in a more direct way.

 

That doesn't always apply. Some guys are better at reading subtle hints and prefer that over a blatant "I like you". That being said, I'm totally not one of those guys.