Random Questions About Young Catholics And Marriage

[HisChildForever]

I need to think about this some more, but I can at least give you some initial thoughts from what I've experienced in the 18 months I've been with Brian.

 

Last Easter, while visiting old friends on campus, our former chaplain spoke to both of us separately. He said, "At the risk of being too bold, if your relationship is truly progressing and you are committed to one another, then you should consider getting engaged and marrying as soon as possible. (He is a married priest, a convert from Lutheranism, and married his wife of 40+ years after one year together.)

 

Similarly, while seeking the advice of a Catholic woman who I deeply respect, she said "Don't wait. Get married as soon as you can."

 

Meanwhile, friends and others from secular backgrounds are strongly encouraging us in the other direction, to wait several years, so we can financially establish ourselves and build on our commitment before taking the plunge.

 

I think at least some of the Catholic advice comes from Paul's old line, "Better to marry than to burn." Perhaps if you know that you've found The One, temptation to have sex before marriage, live together, etc., gets more difficult to handle. That isn't my personal experience in my relationship, but hey, I've only been engaged a month.

 

It appears right now that we will have a long engagement, mostly for practical reasons. We would marry much sooner if it were financially possible, but unfortunately it's just not prudent right now. The biggest burden, at least for me, comes from knowing clearly my vocation to marriage and having found the person I'm supposed to share that with, but not being able to see that fulfilled yet.

 

18 months seems pretty "standard" to me though, in terms of dating before engagement.

 

With respect to the people who advised you, their advice sounds more rushed than prudent. How exactly do they define "as soon as possible" - I would agree that a couple should avoid an inordinately long engagement, but if they're saying that committed couples should tie the knot like exactly a year after their first date, I'd say that not every couple is in the position to do that (or should do that).

[HisChildForever]

Boy, am I quickly learning how THAT goes. *sigh* LOL

 

And re: CatherineM's above comment, I think it might help to clarify that we're not waiting because we can't afford a wedding. We are waiting until we can support the both of us under one roof. 

 

Yeah, seriously. One of the other interns at my site is getting married this Saturday, she and her husband will be getting married at a lavish bed and breakfast type place upstate to avoid the costs of our county, but she still said they were paying an astronomical price. I believe the cheapest hall for a wedding they found in our county was 30k. And because of the number of guests I would need a hall that size.

[arfink]

Well, I can't say I relate to the "young catholics getting engaged and married really quickly" thing. Don't know what you're talking about. :hehe:

[CrossCuT]

One of my friends who married young said that she heard a marriage song at church so she knew she was suppose to marry her bf of 4 months.

 

:sos:

 

 

[MissyP89]

18 months seems pretty "standard" to me though, in terms of dating before engagement.

 

With respect to the people who advised you, their advice sounds more rushed than prudent. How exactly do they define "as soon as possible" - I would agree that a couple should avoid an inordinately long engagement, but if they're saying that committed couples should tie the knot like exactly a year after their first date, I'd say that not every couple is in the position to do that (or should do that).

 

I dunno, I took it more in the sense of as soon as it is prudent for us to do so, do it. And do everything we can to make the circumstances right as quickly as we can. Don't rush, but work your butt off to get things ready.

 

We'll have to trade notes once you're ready to start planning. ;) Come down my way to get married. It's slightly less painful here, I think. 

[ploomf]

It's cultural among young Mormons too. All of my high school friends married in their early twenties while they were still in college, had children quickly, and are stay at home moms. Looking at their lives they sacrifice a lot to be able to afford this. They live in small houses, have one car per family, clip coupons, don't eat out, don't take vacations, buy used whenever possible. Personally I'm glad I didn't get married young, I've changed so much in the past 6 or so years, I'm pretty much a completely different person now than I was back in high school.

[CrossCuT]

I think rushing marriage is a bad idea. I'm not going to point fingers, but there's a reason why we have a high divorce rate. Not to say that people who marry early can't have successful marriages, far from it. But, you should know 100% if you'd be able to live with that other person for a lifetime before committing. It takes years for that to happen. The reason why is because during the initial stages of love, there is reduced activity in areas of your brain (the amygdala, the prefrontal cortex and the frontal cortex) dealing with learning from past mistakes, judgement, analysis, delaying gratification and predicting future events. In other words, love makes you a total idiot. If you get married during these initial stages, you risk the possibility of later realizing you made a huge mistake. 

 

Your prefrontal cortex is also not fully developed until youre about 25.

...silly kids.

[Basilisa Marie]

A lot of my college friends got engaged senior year or just after senior year. Two years later they're all now sharing their first pregnancy photos. I think part of it has to do with the whole "Why wait?" idea. If you know, then you know, so there's no reason to postpone it.  I also know a lot of my friends who got married out of college had relatively modest weddings and receptions. The couples have strong support systems, and it seems to me like THAT is the most important thing about marrying young. You have to have strong support from your family and community.  That's what makes it work well in the Orthodox Jewish and Mormon communities - their sense of communal support is incredible. :)

 

I'm not engaged yet, but my boyfriend and I have discussed it a lot. We decided that since we both wanted Master's degrees (in different fields), it made more sense to wait, partly because we didn't want a super long engagement. I also know that I'm not ready to have kids yet, and that starts becoming a possibility once you say your "I dos".  But if I was satisfied with my Bachelor's degree and wanted first and foremost to be a stay at home mother, I'd probably be married by now. :)  

[Papist]

I have many friends that married shortly after college graduation.  All of them say once they knew marriage to each other was their vocation, they did not delay. 

 

I say, marriage is friggin razzle dazzle. If I waited until I was 'ready' for marriage, I would still be single. 

 

[Kateri89]

I noticed on Ave Maria singles that so many couples met and were engaged only a few months later. If those marriages last then that's great but it just seems very fast. If they knew each other for awhile before they started dating then that would be different.

[CatholicsAreKewl]

Actually, you can never know 100% that you'll be able to live with a person. Even if you co-habitate for 50 years before marrying, marriage itself changes the relationship, and even if it didn't, people change. You cannot possibly know who your spouse will be in 15 years—nor can you know who YOU will be in 15 years, for that matter.

 

By your logic, we should wait until we no longer love the person to get married. That doesn't make a lot of sense. I agree that the "high" one gets when one has first "fallen in love" is a bad time to make life-altering decisions, and that there should be a slight waiting period. But that "high" is more accurately described as infatuation, not love. Sometimes infatuation turns into love; sometimes it doesn't. Thus, if one is infatuated, one should wait. If one is simply in love, then off to the church with ya'.

You're absolutely right. I wasn't saying to wait for like 20 years. I was merely implying that it might be better to wait a couple of years to clear up the infatuation. Some people end up marrying after a few months and having fulfilling marriages, true. But I would hesitate to argue that that's the model approach. Passionate love (what we might call infatuation) actually withers away relatively fast in many cases. This aspect of love is not necessary for a lifelong commitment. 

The reason i argue this is because some people are just not compatible with each other. Sometimes couples rush marriage without actually knowing themselves/what they want in a partner. 

Edited April 23, 2013 by CatholicsAreKewl

[CatholicsAreKewl]

Your prefrontal cortex is also not fully developed until youre about 25.

...silly kids.

Yes! Precisely why marrying at a young age might not be the best option for some people...

[BG45]

I'm 26, going on 27, and still quite single (and not for lack of trying), and honestly?  Seeing all these Catholic couples who just find each other and "click" so quickly, make me sometimes wonder if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my days or if there's something wrong with me, that I'm still single.  If someone finds who they're meant to be with, then good for them.  Most of the people I know, however, who got married early, got divorced after 2-3 kids though (and usually because one or both of them were cheating on the other).

 

Even if you co-habitate for 50 years before marrying, marriage itself changes the relationship, and even if it didn't, people change. You cannot possibly know who your spouse will be in 15 years—nor can you know who YOU will be in 15 years, for that matter.

 

Agreed.  I have friends who cohabitated for six years before getting married and after one year of marriage, the wife was threatening to get a divorce and move out of state because both had changed so much.

 

 

I noticed on Ave Maria singles that so many couples met and were engaged only a few months later. If those marriages last then that's great but it just seems very fast. If they knew each other for awhile before they started dating then that would be different.

 

I've noticed that on AMS as well (a friend who recommended the site to me, was engaged after 3 months), but hasn't been my experience there.  I've met up with two people for a combined total of six trips and both fell through, one because the woman ripped into everything I did from "false chivalry" to being "rude about the Mass" and one because "You're a really great guy, but I'm not attracted to you". :|

 

 

[CatholicsAreKewl]

A lot of my college friends got engaged senior year or just after senior year. Two years later they're all now sharing their first pregnancy photos. I think part of it has to do with the whole "Why wait?" idea. If you know, then you know, so there's no reason to postpone it.  I also know a lot of my friends who got married out of college had relatively modest weddings and receptions. The couples have strong support systems, and it seems to me like THAT is the most important thing about marrying young. You have to have strong support from your family and community.  That's what makes it work well in the Orthodox Jewish and Mormon communities - their sense of communal support is incredible. :)

True, but that sense of community also can make the marriage a nightmare. Imagine a case where one of the spouses was emotionally/physically abusive. How much harder is it to leave such a relationship if the whole community will judge you. This is not merely a hypothetical. This sort of thing happens all the time regardless of faith.

[CatherineM]

Marriage takes two people who are willing to work together and stay married no matter what. There is no mr. Right. There are no soul mates in the way popular culture thinks. No amount of time before marriage will ever allow you to know everything about a potential spouse. You can have a great marriage in a small apartment, with only one car or no car at all. You can even go to school without incurring student loans. If you have so many family members that a reasonable wedding is impossible, elope. If you can't work through minor issues to marry, how are you ever going to work through major issues after you marry.