Trouble With Discernment.

[Spem in alium]

I am now actively discerning religious life and have planned to go on several retreats this year. While that is bringing me peace and joy, I remain a little unsure as I do have romantic feelings for a guy I'm close to, and I don't want my feelings to stop me from discerning as best I can.

What is the best way to progress in a situation like this? I have prayed quite considerably and was considering a couple of ideas: talking to my priest (I don't have a spiritual director), or telling this guy that I'm discerning and that I like someone, but I really want to be honest with him. If I did tell him and he said he liked me in return, I don't even know what I'd do.

 

I'm not yet sure which of my feelings are coming from God and which are coming from myself. I am feeling lost and unsure, probably a lot more so due to the fact that I don't have an SD.

 

Any help would truly be appreciated as I'm as confused as all get out.

[BarbTherese]

I am not discerning incidentally and might not be the best to respond to you. 

 

Possibly sorting out things will be a journey, not an 'overnight event'.  A good way to start would be to have a talk with your parish priest by appointment (since you dont have a spiritual director).  Another resource might be the vocations director in your diocese. The outcome of such an appointment/appointments will probably tell you your next move or moves and it is very important that you are quite honest and open with them.

In a relationship, honesty is always best for sure and more especially since it is connected to discerning religious life.  I think you might be trying to cross your bridges before they are present.  If you honestly discuss your discerning with your romantic attachment, things might turn out far differently to anything you might anticipate.  I would be inclined to seek out your parish priest or vocations director first especially since you do not know your romantic attachment's feelings towards you.  Certainly, a desire to discern religious life is a gift - and more important than a one sided (to date) romantic attachment in my book.  But there just might be more factors involved than is evident on a Catholic discussion site.  I dont think it would be unusual for a person to have an attraction to religious life as well as a romantic attachment and a returned romantic attachment, but to have eventually decided for religious life.  It is a journey.

 

Since discerning is a journey, any chance of seeking out a regular spiritual director?

[marigold]

I am not discerning incidentally and might not be the best to respond to you. 

 

Possibly sorting out things will be a journey, not an 'overnight event'.  A good way to start would be to have a talk with your parish priest by appointment (since you dont have a spiritual director).  Another resource might be the vocations director in your diocese. The outcome of such an appointment/appointments will probably tell you your next move or moves and it is very important that you are quite honest and open with them.

In a relationship, honesty is always best for sure and more especially since it is connected to discerning religious life.  I think you might be trying to cross your bridges before they are present.  If you honestly discuss your discerning with your romantic attachment, things might turn out far differently to anything you might anticipate.  I would be inclined to seek out your parish priest or vocations director first especially since you do not know your romantic attachment's feelings towards you.  Certainly, a desire to discern religious life is a gift - and more important than a one sided (to date) romantic attachment in my book.  But there just might be more factors involved than is evident on a Catholic discussion site.  I dont think it would be unusual for a person to have an attraction to religious life as well as a romantic attachment and a returned romantic attachment, but to have eventually decided for religious life.  It is a journey.

 

Since discerning is a journey, any chance of seeking out a regular spiritual director?

 

What she said. Although it can be nerve-wracking to open up with something so personal to a priest you don't have that intimacy with (I don't know whether he's your confessor etc. - how well you know him) especially if you don't really know where they stand on religious life... For us at least, many parish priests are wonderfully supportive while being absolutely clueless, for others it's not on their radar at all, and then a few are both supportive and know a bit about the life/processes... Here's hoping you have a good one!

 

Other than that, I don't think you need to stress about it. From personal experience and from a lot of others' stories, it seems like it's a normal thing most people go through at some stage. Chin up! :)

[Spem in alium]

I am not discerning incidentally and might not be the best to respond to you. 

 

Possibly sorting out things will be a journey, not an 'overnight event'.  A good way to start would be to have a talk with your parish priest by appointment (since you dont have a spiritual director).  Another resource might be the vocations director in your diocese. The outcome of such an appointment/appointments will probably tell you your next move or moves and it is very important that you are quite honest and open with them.

In a relationship, honesty is always best for sure and more especially since it is connected to discerning religious life.  I think you might be trying to cross your bridges before they are present.  If you honestly discuss your discerning with your romantic attachment, things might turn out far differently to anything you might anticipate.  I would be inclined to seek out your parish priest or vocations director first especially since you do not know your romantic attachment's feelings towards you.  Certainly, a desire to discern religious life is a gift - and more important than a one sided (to date) romantic attachment in my book.  But there just might be more factors involved than is evident on a Catholic discussion site.  I dont think it would be unusual for a person to have an attraction to religious life as well as a romantic attachment and a returned romantic attachment, but to have eventually decided for religious life.  It is a journey.

 

Since discerning is a journey, any chance of seeking out a regular spiritual director?

 

I was having spiritual direction for four months last year (I was overseas and there was a good opportunity to get some) and I really feel its absence. I have spoken to a sister I know here about getting spiritual direction, and she thinks it's a good idea also. I think I will talk with her and see if there is an opportunity for direction either with her or another sister in her community.

I definitely agree with what you have said, and I thank you for saying it :) I do have reason to think that he may like me romantically, but I can't know for sure. Honesty's so important to me and I can't bear not being open.

 

I am so grateful to be discerning! It is definitely a gift, and I do wish to be able to discern clearly.

 

What she said. Although it can be nerve-wracking to open up with something so personal to a priest you don't have that intimacy with (I don't know whether he's your confessor etc. - how well you know him) especially if you don't really know where they stand on religious life... For us at least, many parish priests are wonderfully supportive while being absolutely clueless, for others it's not on their radar at all, and then a few are both supportive and know a bit about the life/processes... Here's hoping you have a good one!

 

Other than that, I don't think you need to stress about it. From personal experience and from a lot of others' stories, it seems like it's a normal thing most people go through at some stage. Chin up! :)

 

Thank you :) I am close to my priest - I see him regularly as I'm quite involved in parish life, and he's my confessor. He is very genuine and friendly, so would be good to talk to.

One of my family's close friends is a priest (he was my old parish and school priest, so he knows me well), and he actually knows I've been considering religious life as I met with him when I first began contemplating it. I remember he gave me some good advice, so I can always speak with him too. 

 

I think talking about this with any priest will be awkward for me! I'm not always great at opening up about my personal life, and this is very personal for me. Do you have any suggestions as to how I should do it? 
 

[FutureSister2009]

Welcome to what took me away from discerning my true Vocation! While I don't know what will happen to you, my feelings for a guy took me away from discerning a Vocation to Religious Life for over a year. It was awful because he never actually liked me and yet I let him control my life. Once I finally let him go, I was really happy and relieved once again. And then I found where I was supposed to be the whole time. Just don't let that happen to you

[vee]

Dedicate one year to solely pursing your discernment of religious life and pray God's will be made known to you in that time.  As for the guy you like but dont know his feelings I would only say anything to him if you intend to pursue a relationship with him.  If he has made no indication of wanting to date you by now then he very likely isnt interested.

[Gabriela]

If he has made no indication of wanting to date you by now then he very likely isnt interested.

 

While I understand this is well intentioned, it is not true. Some guys are just shy and would never say anything. Spem also didn't mention how long they've known one another, so maybe he's just waiting a bit before saying anything. We just don't know.

 

I do agree that, unless Spem intends to have a relationship with him, she shouldn't say anything. At least for now. I think the rest of the advice already given is spot on.

 

Best of luck, Spem!

[AmicaMea]

Dedicate one year to solely pursing your discernment of religious life and pray God's will be made known to you in that time.  As for the guy you like but dont know his feelings I would only say anything to him if you intend to pursue a relationship with him.  If he has made no indication of wanting to date you by now then he very likely isnt interested.

 

I would have to agree with this. It's necessary to discern what you want to say versus what needs to be said... Trying to actively discern a religious vocation and married life at the same time is really difficult. If you both care deeply for one another, and God wills a relationship, discerning a religious vocation will only strengthen a possible future relationship. 

 

I tried to date a very Holy man of God while discerning and suffered much heart-ache and doubt because of trying to walk closer to two vocations at the same time. Eventually, when I had been hit over the head enough times and was willing to actively discern religious life, I was sluggish because I didn't want to end such a great relationship.

[Spem in alium]

Welcome to what took me away from discerning my true Vocation! While I don't know what will happen to you, my feelings for a guy took me away from discerning a Vocation to Religious Life for over a year. It was awful because he never actually liked me and yet I let him control my life. Once I finally let him go, I was really happy and relieved once again. And then I found where I was supposed to be the whole time. Just don't let that happen to you

 

Thank you for sharing this. :) I understand how hard discerning both can be. I do have strong feelings for this guy and have for some time, but I know it will be horrible trying to discern both and I feel very called towards knowing where my heart lies in terms of religious life. I can't escape the peace I feel when I think about religious life, and at the moment it seems a much greater and more joyful peace than the one that comes to me when I think about being in a relationship.
 

Dedicate one year to solely pursing your discernment of religious life and pray God's will be made known to you in that time.  As for the guy you like but dont know his feelings I would only say anything to him if you intend to pursue a relationship with him.  If he has made no indication of wanting to date you by now then he very likely isnt interested.

 

Thank you :) I think giving it a year is a great idea, it would really help with clarity. Part of me would like to be in a relationship with him, but I don't know what that feeling is based on. I've never dated anybody, so maybe (though I doubt it, as I'm not hung up on that) my feelings for him are derived from a desire for that kind of intimacy. Another part (and perhaps a stronger part) of me just wants me to discern. I really want to know that part of me better!
 

While I understand this is well intentioned, it is not true. Some guys are just shy and would never say anything. Spem also didn't mention how long they've known one another, so maybe he's just waiting a bit before saying anything. We just don't know.

 

I do agree that, unless Spem intends to have a relationship with him, she shouldn't say anything. At least for now. I think the rest of the advice already given is spot on.

 

Best of luck, Spem!

Thank you! :) He's not too shy, but I know he has felt shy around me before. I have known him since 2010, so a long time :) We are very good friends. I know talking to him about this would make me ultra-nervous, so I really want to think about it before I do anything (and if I do anything). 

 

I would have to agree with this. It's necessary to discern what you want to say versus what needs to be said... Trying to actively discern a religious vocation and married life at the same time is really difficult. If you both care deeply for one another, and God wills a relationship, discerning a religious vocation will only strengthen a possible future relationship. 

 

I tried to date a very Holy man of God while discerning and suffered much heart-ache and doubt because of trying to walk closer to two vocations at the same time. Eventually, when I had been hit over the head enough times and was willing to actively discern religious life, I was sluggish because I didn't want to end such a great relationship.

Thank you :) I never thought about that before - that discerning a religious vocation will strengthen a future relationship. Very interesting - and true, I think. I will think about that a lot more. 

[arfink]

My two cents: you have to pick one. Don't start something with that man if you think you're going to be called to walk away. A religious order won't have a broken heart if you have to walk away from them. But, if you go to discern a religious vocation you may very well "lose" the man you have feelings for, and that's just the reality of things.

[Spem in alium]

My two cents: you have to pick one. Don't start something with that man if you think you're going to be called to walk away. A religious order won't have a broken heart if you have to walk away from them. But, if you go to discern a religious vocation you may very well "lose" the man you have feelings for, and that's just the reality of things.

 

Thank you :) That made things clearer. I think the hardest part for me is knowing how to choose, though I do think my interest in religious life and in the potential of a vocation is pushing me to examine it further. In the end, I just want my friend to be happy. If he is interested in someone other than me and enters into a happy relationship with her, that's all I can really want for him. I don't want to cause him unhappiness by revealing my feelings and potentially making him feel uncomfortable. Yes, it would be hard not to act on my feelings for him, and in a sense I would be "losing" something, but I also see myself as having the ability to grow in spiritual closeness and friendship with him through a vocation, which in itself seems to be a beautiful, strong bond.
I think my heart has become open to the idea of letting things go with God and with His Will.

Edited April 14, 2013 by Spem in alium

[marigold]

I was having spiritual direction for four months last year (I was overseas and there was a good opportunity to get some) and I really feel its absence. I have spoken to a sister I know here about getting spiritual direction, and she thinks it's a good idea also. I think I will talk with her and see if there is an opportunity for direction either with her or another sister in her community.

I definitely agree with what you have said, and I thank you for saying it :) I do have reason to think that he may like me romantically, but I can't know for sure. Honesty's so important to me and I can't bear not being open.

 

I am so grateful to be discerning! It is definitely a gift, and I do wish to be able to discern clearly.

 

 

Thank you :) I am close to my priest - I see him regularly as I'm quite involved in parish life, and he's my confessor. He is very genuine and friendly, so would be good to talk to.

One of my family's close friends is a priest (he was my old parish and school priest, so he knows me well), and he actually knows I've been considering religious life as I met with him when I first began contemplating it. I remember he gave me some good advice, so I can always speak with him too. 

 

I think talking about this with any priest will be awkward for me! I'm not always great at opening up about my personal life, and this is very personal for me. Do you have any suggestions as to how I should do it? 
 

 

Unfortunately not... it might be one of those things that's initially awkward but as soon as you actually get onto the subject it's ok. It's good that you like and trust this priest, that's the main thing I think.

[LaboureSociety]

I cannot affirm enough that if one truly thinks they may have a religious (or priestly) vocation, they need to discern it FIRST. There is time!

 

I have seen dozens of times the use of one person by another who is discerning. It is usually unintentional, but it is a very real and tragic use of another. It is, truthfully, a sin and something individuals involved in formation and discernment need to be more aware and intentional about directing. As John Paul II has said, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's using. Let us treat one another with the utmost charity and care. This means being prudent with our actions and words and aligning them with our direction in life. This is an important duty of someone discerning priesthood or religious life.

 

Practically: Please, take a year, or more if necessary, but do not begin something with someone you are not free to marry. If you have not discerned your vocation, you are not free to marry. I echo the sentiment of not sharing your feelings with this person. If you are not free to act on them -and someone discerning isn't -this is deeply unfair and often troubling and confusing to that person. The other's well-being should be one's first concern as a healthy and maturing Catholic in this situation.

 

 

Edited April 16, 2013 by LaboureSociety

[Spem in alium]

Unfortunately not... it might be one of those things that's initially awkward but as soon as you actually get onto the subject it's ok. It's good that you like and trust this priest, that's the main thing I think.

 

I think I will probably talk to my parish priest as I see him more regularly than I do my family friend (I could email him, but I would prefer a face-to-face communication). I have a retreat this Saturday and am praying it will guide me further.

 

I cannot affirm enough that if one truly thinks they may have a religious (or priestly) vocation, they need to discern it FIRST. There is time!

 

I have seen dozens of times the use of one person by another who is discerning. It is usually unintentional, but it is a very real and tragic use of another. It is, truthfully, a sin and something individuals involved in formation and discernment need to be more aware and intentional about directing. As John Paul II has said, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's using. Let us treat one another with the utmost charity and care. This means being prudent with our actions and words and aligning them with our direction in life. This is an important duty of someone discerning priesthood or religious life.

 

Practically: Please, take a year, or more if necessary, but do not begin something with someone you are not free to marry. If you have not discerned your vocation, you are not free to marry. I echo the sentiment of not sharing your feelings with this person. If you are not free to act on them -and someone discerning isn't -this is deeply unfair and often troubling and confusing to that person. The other's well-being should be one's first concern as a healthy and maturing Catholic in this situation.

 

Thank you :) I definitely, wholeheartedly agree. I would hate to begin a relationship with him and feel as though I still need to discern religious life, as that would probably hurt the both of us and causing him hurt would be agonising. It can't go both ways. My feelings about religious life are new and deepening. They are something I never would have imagined experiencing, so I feel like I need to explore them before I think about any other vocation.

Ultimately, if I was to date someone it would be with the intention of marriage. I can't conceive dating right now, because I am not in a position to marry. I don't see myself being in that position until I understand my attraction to religious life. 

 

I have felt in my heart of hearts for a little while that it will most likely be necessary for me to move on from my feelings for this person. I have held them for some time now, but perhaps I just need to let them go. I know I will always love him and his soul, but something is calling me to manifest that love in a deeper (perhaps new) way.

 

Could I tell him I am discerning religious life without mentioning any sort of romantic attraction? I don't think I'd tell him right away as I'm not entirely sure of my feelings, but eventually I would like him to know as he is very important to me (obviously) and also very religious, so I think he would be interested. Plus I know he would pray for me, and I feel I need them!