On Selflessness

[MissyP89]

I'm having a hard time lately understanding the Christian idea of living selflessly. This is embarrassing and hard for me to talk about, but I need help. It's gotten to a point where I can't figure it out on my own.

 

I'm hoping some of the phamily that is perhaps more grounded or wiser than I might be able to help untie some knots in my thinking.

 

My internal thought train looks like this:

 

Being selfless means you don't consider your needs/desires. You put them last. The other person's needs are always more important than yours. It doesn't matter if you feel hurt, sad or frustrated. Those feelings are selfish and you should simply offer them up to God.

 

Love is about giving without expecting anything in return. It is about laying down your life and dying to yourself. Your job is to meet the other person's needs and not get upset if and when yours aren't met. It's not about you. You should still give 100 percent anyway, even if the other person doesn't reciprocate. And if you feel angry about this, you're just being selfish. Offer those feelings to God.

 

People beat and crucified Jesus and He never spoke up or complained. Joseph never got angry or upset when Mary and Jesus turned their world upside down. They just quietly accepted it with joy. If you are serious about loving like them, that's how you should act. Feeling anything else is just being selfish.

 

I know that there are so many things wrong with the above examples, but I am honestly so convinced by them I don't know what's true and what's not.

 

I've struggled with this since I came back to the Church six years ago, and it's done a lot of damage. I end up internalizing a lot of what I feel, especially when I'm hurt. I carry around a lot of bitterness, and that is impacting my relationships in a negative way.

 

I'm not sure what to do about this anymore. But I know that my life's journey and my vocation are only just beginning, and I will have to make sacrifices and be increasingly more selfless as time passes. This is especially true as I prepare to become a wife and mother.

 

I want to make sure I have a healthy view of all this.

 

Any insight is sincerely appreciated. Please pray for me.

 

Edited April 3, 2013 by MissyP89

[Noel's angel]

Being selfless isn't about loving your neighbour MORE than you love yourself. I don't believe it is possible to live selflessly unless you respect yourself first of all. It is good to put the needs of others first, but not to the extent that you ignore your own needs (and bear in mind the distinction between real needs and desires). Someone may desire something, but if you need something else, it is not selfish to do what you need to do, rather than what they desire you to. Do the best you can for others, but don't neglect yourself. Sorry if I'm simplifying things too much. I'll be praying for you.

[arfink]

Well sis, I can assure you, you are 100% right that there is something broken in there, something not quite right. I couldn't say what it is either, because I have had similar thoughts before. But I can say I'll pray for you, and I will try to puzzle through an answer for you. :)

[MissyP89]

I always try to remember that I should love my neighbor AS myself. But when my needs are being met, other people are making sacrifices for me and not having their needs met, so.

 

I keep thinking there has to be a balance somewhere, but it simply feels like only one person can come out truly fulfilled.

[Noel's angel]

It's probably not a good idea to try to measure who gets what out of each situation...that is a recipe for disaster.

[let_go_let_God]

I always try to remember that I should love my neighbor AS myself. But when my needs are being met, other people are making sacrifices for me and not having their needs met, so.

 

I keep thinking there has to be a balance somewhere, but it simply feels like only one person can come out truly fulfilled.

 

I think this is starting to go in best direction. When teaching youth to work out complicated situations there is a solution called a win-win. In these situations both people walk away fulfilled and enabled to do better things. In a win-win situation you may not get everything that you want but your basic needs are fulfilled.

 

As Noah said you don't need to weigh what everyone gets, if you do that it gets all messy.

 

For instance, if you are emotionally supporting a friend, that friend needs to know that you may need to step away for a moment to recharge your emotional reserves and know that you aren't doing it because you don't want to help. Rather you are supporting them in a way that is healthier for the both of you. However if they begin to be overly reliant on the support you give them, it is no longer healthy for you to be their primary means of support.

[MissyP89]

...you don't need to weigh what everyone gets, if you do that it gets all messy.

 

Yeah, I definitely get that. I spend a lot of time and emotional resources trying to make sure everyone is equally fulfilled, and it just doesn't work. My "solution," as damaging as it is, is to just ignore and push away my needs. If there's no win-win available, then the "selfless" action is to sacrifice myself instead.

[BigJon16]

I'm having a hard time lately understanding the Christian idea of living selflessly. This is embarrassing and hard for me to talk about, but I need help. It's gotten to a point where I can't figure it out on my own.

 

I'm hoping some of the phamily that is perhaps more grounded or wiser than I might be able to help untie some knots in my thinking.

 

My internal thought train looks like this:

 

 

I know that there are so many things wrong with the above examples, but I am honestly so convinced by them I don't know what's true and what's not.

 

I want to make sure I have a healthy view of all this.

 

I do not see what is wrong with that thought train.

 

In a way, that is how I've always viewed selflessness.

 

I am thoroughly confused.

 

...

[let_go_let_God]

Yeah, I definitely get that. I spend a lot of time and emotional resources trying to make sure everyone is equally fulfilled, and it just doesn't work. My "solution," as damaging as it is, is to just ignore and push away my needs. If there's no win-win available, then the "selfless" action is to sacrifice myself instead.

 

But then who is working to fulfill your needs? You are still a human being and have needs of your own.

 

Remember Jesus often went away from the crowds when he needed to be away and recharge.

 

God bless-

LGLG

[MissyP89]

I do not see what is wrong with that thought train.

 

In a way, that is how I've always viewed selflessness.

 

I am thoroughly confused.

 

...

 

I'm really glad that I posted this, then. Maybe if I try to explain what little I understand to you, it'll help us both.

 

Yes, we absolutely should serve our neighbor to the best of our ability and put other people first. But here's the problem: if we don't make sure that we are also being cared for, we can no longer serve well. Our love and service become weakened when we're emotionally tired, and sometimes that can even become poisoned by bitterness and envy.

 

Every person deserves love, dignity and respect ... we should all be cared for, and we have the right to speak up honestly and with charity if we're not getting what we truly need. We shouldn't just lay down and get walked on -- that is permitting an offense to our own dignity as children of God.

 

Capisce?

 

But in my case, I don't know how to deal with those negative feelings. If I feel like my needs aren't being met, I just dismiss it as feeling "selfish." It never feels like it's truly warranted to speak up.

[BigJon16]

I'm really glad that I posted this, then. Maybe if I try to explain what little I understand to you, it'll help us both.

 

Yes, we absolutely should serve our neighbor to the best of our ability and put other people first. But here's the problem: if we don't make sure that we are also being cared for, we can no longer serve well. Our love and service become weakened when we're emotionally tired, and sometimes that can even become poisoned by bitterness and envy.

 

Every person deserves love, dignity and respect ... we should all be cared for, and we have the right to speak up honestly and with charity if we're not getting what we truly need. We shouldn't just lay down and get walked on -- that is permitting an offense to our own dignity as children of God.

 

Capisce?

 

But in my case, I don't know how to deal with those negative feelings. If I feel like my needs aren't being met, I just dismiss it as feeling "selfish." It never feels like it's truly warranted to speak up.

Si, ho capito. Thanks for the clarification, I'm with ya now.

 

IMHO, it sounds as we are not so much struggling with the idea of selflessness, but rather how we are to act selflessly, and what it's supposed to feel like. At least that's stuff that I struggle a lot with.

 

I work in a grocery store, and sometimes I feel more ready and happier to help someone and other times I'm like "don't talk to me." Maybe it's not so much about getting it right every time, but rather trying and getting it right when we can. I think God gives us a little slack there. He is pleased when we do "get it right" and when we don't..he's there, lovingly waiting to comfort us and embrace us and remind us of how much he loves us even in our selfishness.

 

And maybe--and this is something I am in no way an expert on--it's that embracing of his love that allows us to be selfless, in some way. Just today, I read a really beautiful reflection, "Watching, Waiting, and Praying. A Journey to the Papal Conclave. http://www.sandiego.edu/ccs/reflections/

 

     The most profound and peaceful moment came as our Holy Father asked us, those present and the faithful throughout the entire world, to pray for him.  Me, Craig Smith? Pray for you, Pope Francis?  I recall the truest sense of hope as the theme of my prayer, asking the Holy Spirit to guide Pope Francis and our church to be filled with compassion, peace, welcome and love.  The entire place of well over 100,000 people was silent in prayer.  And then after, to receive the papal blessing marked by the sign of our faith, our triune God, I had never had an emotion like that.  It was bigger than happiness, brighter than joy, deeper than peace.

    

     Pope Francis is someone who embodies humility with a holiness that inspires. He is not “holier than thou” but “holier because of thou.” Whoever “thou” is. But most explicitly he cares for and is truly WITH the poor.

 

     You know, desire changes everything. In my years, I have (unfortunately, but admittedly) begrudgingly volunteered at soup kitchens, food pantries and homeless shelters. I never really enjoyed it. But a couple weeks ago, just after returning from Rome, I worked at the soup kitchen at my parish in New York City. My entire perspective had been changed by the words and example of our Holy Father. I could so clearly (and desired to) acknowledge God's presence within the guests of the kitchen. If I ever doubted it, I just took a moment, clasped my hands in prayer and bowed to the holiness within the person I was serving.

...

Everything has changed because I am now more willing to acknowledge and receive the love of God.

 

If you read the whole reflection, that might make more sense, but it came to mind as I was trying to "formulate my thoughts"..

 

If anything I said causes you any fear, anxiety or "broke your peace" then disregard it as if I never even said it. :) I am not always right about these things..

 

 

Let us pray for one another.

 

 

Edited April 3, 2013 by BigJon16

[Basilisa Marie]

If the plane is going down and you don't put your oxygen mask on first, you can't help anyone with theirs.  

 

I think part of being selfless is having the humility to ask for help when you need it, and allow others to help you.  If you're running around meeting everyone else's needs, you're not letting anyone have the chance to be selfless themselves. 

[MissyP89]

But what happens when your needs being met causes inconvenience or even real problems for someone else? It feels wrong to ask, knowing that it will lead to consequences for them.

[Noel's angel]

I think it's difficult to answer a question like that without knowing the specifics. Are you intentionally trying to cause the person inconvenience? Is the person happy to take on the inconvenience?

[MissyP89]

Generally speaking -- I'm referring to no specific circumstance here -- most people don't mind, or if they do, they never tell me. (I know if I'm bothered by something, I never show it.)

 

But the idea that they put their responsibilities or obligations on hold to show me love is super bothersome to me. I should make uncomfortable sacrifices for everyone and not complain, but no one else should have to.