Should Children Be Shamed

[Winchester]

I am glad that so many people have found that so many people that have shame still.  You know, can be shamed, in the manner you are talking.  There was a freshman at the local high school recently that called the SRO (School Resource Police Officer) a b____ to her face.  I don't know what the consequences were...  but it wasn't enough.  More of a slap on the wrist sort of a thing.

Is it possible the SRO was being one? I've seen many instances when a student should level such a name at authority figures.

[Lil Red]

Sorry, Shea and I took some really cool classes on this and I totally fell in love with it.

 

lololol

 

sounds like awesome classes. what were they called? I'd love to see if they have something similar here.

[MIKolbe]

http://www.loveandlogic.com/

[MIKolbe]

we should figure out a way of teaching/holding seminars of PhatParents!

 

like a gotomeeting or something...

 

 

[Lil Red]

http://www.loveandlogic.com/

 

:( oh man! the closest class is in Colorado.

[IcePrincessKRS]

Also, Addie has gone to pre-school in pj's and messed up hair.  The mom-bus leaves for pre-school at a certain time.  How ready she is for the day is on her. (granted we help where needed - lay out her clothes, get breakfast ready, Shea makes sure she is ready to fix Addie's hair whenever Addie is ready for her)  But the mom-bus leaves when the mom-bus leaves.  Shea is not rushing, speeding, racing to school so Addie won't be late.  Upon getting in the car in just her pj's, Addie was worried because she had no shoes and socks on, and she was in her pj's, and her hair was 'ugly'.  She was afraid the other kids would laugh at her...she was actually more upset that her teacher would laugh at her.  Again, Shea empathized.  She had a emergency bag of shoes and socks and a brush.  She gave addie the brush so ADDIE could brush her hair on the way to school. And she put some emergency shoes and socks on.  She was still a little worried about the kids making fun of her, but shea said she loved her no matter how she looked!  After dropping Addie off and discreeting explaining the situation to the teacher, Shea went home and lined up some of Addie's toys.

 

She picked Addie up and they came home.  Addie said she looked funny in her pj's and everyone asked her why she was in her pj's.  She said bc her mommy is mean..to which shea let slide, empathized and said 'wow, sounds rough'..  They got home, and Addie looked oddly at the toys.  Shea then informed Addie that she bought those emergency shoes and socks from goodwill, and they cost $1.  She then asked how Addie was going to pay her back.  Addie took off the shoes and socks and gave them back saying they were ugly and she didn't want them.  Shea said she understood, that yes they are ugly, but it was all Shea could get for $1. She reminded Addie she wore them anyways.  She then asked Addie for $1.  Addie cried, "mommy, I no have a dollar".  It was suggested that maybe she could sell one of her toys.  Oh. the. horror.  Again, while being empathetic, Shea was trying to offer solutions. 

 

Ultimately, she sold the toy to the neighbor. (which we worked out with him), and she gave the money to Shea.  She has since found extra work to do around the house and bought her toy back..(for $1.50).

 

Again, was there shame for Addie going to school in her pj's, with ugly shoes and messed up hair?  Yeah.  But the point was not to shame her.  The point was to teach her he importance of being on time, of getting up even when we are sleepy and getting ready for the day.  Being 'on time' is important and is a positive attribute to have.  Again, we had to let her fail.  She had to experience the consequences of her actions so she can equate bad actions with bad consequences. Mr. Dad, shaking his finger, and saying "how many times do I have to tell you to get up when mom says get up" does nothing.  You wanna know how many times I need to tell you.. or how many times any parent needs to tell their child to do something??? It takes as many times as you (as a parent) choose to tell him/her.  We are learning to tell our kids once.  Hard lessons for everyone, myself included, but that is another story.

 

Just yesterday we had an issue along these lines. I had some errands to run and told all my kids to get ready to go. I went to my room, put my hair up, put my shoes on, put shoes on my 3 year old (almost 4), gathered the boxes I needed to mail, grabbed my keys, etc. I came out to the living room and my 6 year old was sitting there in her undies. This is the second time in two wees she's done this to me. The first time was as I was ready to leave for Mass on Sunday (when she'd had a full hour to get ready, not a mere 15-20 minutes like yesterday). Everyone else was dressed and ready, shoes and all. I asked her "Why aren't you dressed? You had plenty of time. Come on guys, lets go out to the car." She wailed "Wait! I'm not ready!" I shrugged and told her "That's your problem, isn't it? I told you to get ready and you didn't do it." I didn't yell, I wasn't angry, at most I was indifferent. She ran down the hall to her room. I knew she was hustling to get dressed but I went ahead and took my stuff to the car and had her sisters and brother get in and buckle. I checked my mail box. I planned to give her a few minutes to get ready before going up to get her and lock the front door. She came flying out of the house before I was ready to go back in for her. Shoes clutched in her hand and tears in her eyes. I looked at her and said, "Next time you should get ready when I tell you to and you won't have to go through this, huh?" She said "Yes, Mommy." I reminded her, "You know I'd never leave you alone. I was waiting. Now get your shoes on." She was fine the rest of the day. I certainly wasn't attempting to shame her, but I also wanted her to get the point that when I say "get ready" it means "get ready NOW" because when I am ready to go we all need to go to the car. If I have a timeline, an appointment, Mass, etc., and we have to be there at a certain time we shouldn't have to be held up because one person decides they'd rather play dolls in their underpants.

 

Today she made mess in the living room with books. I told her about 3 times to clean it up. That's more than enough chances for obedience. She's been asking since she woke up this morning if we can have a "family party" (maybe watch a movie and have a treat). I very politely told her there would be no family party tonight because she hasn't been doing as she was asked (not a big deal to the other kids because they didn't know she'd asked). But the deprivation of that thing she wanted most was enough to reduce her to tears. She had the opportunity to do as she was asked and get what she wanted. She chose not to do it. She now has the opportunity to clean her room and keep it nice until tomorrow and maybe then we can review our party plans (she is notorious for playing dress up all day and leaving princess dresses strewn across her floor). It all hinges on her doing what is expected of her.

 

My kids know that their actions have consequences, if you don't do as you're asked you're not getting what you want. Xander knows that if he's bad in the store he doesn't get a treat. If he's naughty in Mass we aren't going out for donuts afterward. The older ones get grounded from TV and friends. If they make a mess they must also clean it. They obviously don't do all the work around the house, but if they trash my living room with toys and books I will not clean up after them. We have a pretty loose schedule but I try to instill in them a sense of responsibility and respect.