Help! Need Resources On Cloistered Life For Parents

[Chiquitunga]

some on Carmel... (again there are tons of videos out there, but I would only consider sharing a few with those to whom, depending on who, I might be trying to help understand this life/calling)

 

http://youtu.be/BsWXENFFvig

 

 

http://youtu.be/xHQg9ggHdEU

 

[Chiquitunga]

http://youtu.be/fQNk5F-peg0

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xl5dxmqmN4k

 

 

p.s. all the CRTN videos on Carmel are great!

Edited March 11, 2013 by Chiquitunga

[Chiquitunga]

really quick, one more for now, almost forgot the Dominicans :j

 

http://youtu.be/EnYS5xstRPY

[Guest Allie]

When I asked the Abbess of the community I'm discerning with about this she said that if my mom would find it helpful, some of the pareents of sisters in formation would reach out to her and share support.  It helps me to know that I have that to offer my folks when I tell them Easter Weekend.  Maybe other communities have this  also?

 

[Pax_et bonum]

Do you think it'd be helpful to put a green scapular in the room of very obstinate parents? My parents are more opposed than ever. 

[Guest Allie]

Do you think it'd be helpful to put a green scapular in the room of very obstinate parents? My parents are more opposed than ever. 

 

Are they  Irish? :evil:
 

Srsly praying for their hearts to open.

[Pax_et bonum]

Are they  Irish? :evil:
 

Srsly praying for their hearts to open.

No, no Irish blood here. The green scapular is the scapular of conversion. Thanks for they prayers; they really need them. I need to start another novena to St. Therese's parents. Any other saints I should be asking for their intercession?

[MarysLittleFlower]

Hi all you fantastic Catholic people discerning! 

I need some serious help, particularly from those who've discerned cloistered communities or know about them.

 

For a long time, I've felt that God is asking me to consider contemplative religious life withing a cloister and I finally said, "Yes." And I was very much at peace, was looking into orders, etc. My family has been very supportive through the whole process, but after my mom and I went to visit some cloistered Carmelites last weekend, we had very conflicting impressions. I felt incredibly peaceful about the whole thing. I did not necessarily feel that that was the order I was made to join and that I should immediately begin applying, but I did really track with everything the nuns said; I felt like as they talked about their charism and way of life, they were expressing the fulfillment of what I am yearning for. However, my mother has been VERY unsettled. She thought the nuns were nice but was downright distraught at "all the secrecy" of the cloister areas, the very austere building (unpainted cement block walls), and the very minimal communication between nuns and their families (one letter or one, one-hour visit per month). She is wondering how God could call anyone to this kind of life, how such penitential practices could be a good thing, why the nuns "keep out" their families, etc. I really don't know what to say to her, because I somehow "understand" the cloister and actually feel that it provides a sort of freedom that the world (with all its liberality and "freedom") can never give--the freedom to be singleheartedly devoted, attentive to God, to praising Him and loving Him unceasingly, to nurturing souls as a spiritual mother, to follow Jesus' gentle invitation to "come away to a deserted place by yourselves" with Him, to pursue a deep, intimate union with Him. I love the simplicity of the life, the silence to preserve communication with God, the community of like-minded women all pursuing holiness with tenacity and zeal. (I know no community is perfect, I'm just saying I "get" the beauty of this way of life, and I feel very strongly that God is inviting me to consider it...that He is very likely calling me to it).

 

I am having a VERY hard time finding any "explanations" or FAQ's about the cloister. I don't know where to start looking for answers to these very specific challenges and I don't want to argue with my mom about it--I love her dearly and I hate seeing her struggle with this. If I could just drop it and ignore the desire, I would, but I know that I can't ignore God to try to smooth things over in my family. I've tried to sort of give my rationale (which ultimately boils down to "I'm crazy about Jesus, He asked me to consider this and, yes, I cried and prayed and agonized over it a lot but I said yes because I can't refuse Him because I love Him too much and now I suddenly want this very much (though if He says no at some point, I'll go with it in a heartbeat)." 

 

Please, can anyone point me to good, down-to-earth resources defending the cloister and explaining it? My poor mother feels like this is destroying her faith, she feels like God has changed. She says she is "horrified" for me that I might choose this because it's somehow completely against her gut feelings. I have found nothing but cursory examples on the cloisteredlife.org and half the google hits are angry rants from ex-nuns. 

I am not trying to just say, "so there" to my mom. I'm not just trying to win an argument. She is tormented over this and I don't know what on earth to do to make it better. I'm praying for her...and I'm praying there's some explanation that I can give that will lead her to peace over this. Maybe I'm not going to be called to be cloistered in the end, but it has been a very tense, emotional week at home and I just want to be able to comfort her and give her some sort of understanding. I am torn between two loves, for Jesus and my mother, and I know that Jesus' will is going to ultimately make my decisions, but I love my mother dearly and I want very much to help her see what I see. 

 

If nothing else, please pray for us. Thank you! 

Although I'm still discerning, I can relate so much to what you said... I see the convent the same way and it's so difficult when others don't understand, but that's maybe just because they haven't experienced this same calling! It sounds like you're trying to be understanding of your mom which is good. Of course, we have to choose Jesus first always... and if He calls us to be His bride.. how can we say no :) but maybe it could help to just pray for now and not debate/argue, not talk about it too much, but maybe just give your mom something to read when she's calmer. I'm sorry I don't have any resources though :( if anyone does, that could be very helpful! Are there any books written for parents about religious life? ;)

 

also keep in mind that it's Jesus who changes hearts.. as much as you'd love for your mom to accept the convent, ultimately we can't make someone change their opinion, we can just help them and encourage, and pray... maybe offer little sacrifices too :) it's difficult for many parents but of course Jesus loves our families even more than we do! hopefully He can help them understand this calling :)

 

it might help your mom to also speak to some nuns!

Edited March 12, 2013 by MarysLittleFlower

[NunMother]

Just found thread.    Please let me digest it this morning.  I know that when our daughter began discerning, it was an awful time for a few years right up until the day when we first did visit the monastery when she was a postulant.  I searched and searched for support groups and internet resources.  There really are not any for parents.  That is when I discovered PHATMASS which greatly helped and opened my eyes to the world of vocations. 

 

Our daughter knew that we were freaking out and I asked her for help in understanding.   The best help she arranged was asking the vocation director to invite the parents of another younger nun at the monastery to come and meet with us when we visited the first time.   My husband and I each had a one-on-one meeting with the other parents.   It really was fabulous and helped so much. 

 

Signing out for now. 

[Golden Years]

This was a really great post Whitney.  I am sure there are a lot of discerners out there who have experienced or are experiencing the same thing.

 

I think most parents are rarely supportive of their child's choice of life partner/school/career, especially in the beginning.  But the religious vocation is I think so misunderstood that it makes it even harder for most parents and friends to accept.  Add in the austerities of a cloistered order and no wonder your mom is freaking out. 

 

As others have said, only God can give peace and understanding and acceptance, so prayer is definitely the way to go in helping your mom to come to terms with your decision.  However it might help her if you draw a couple of analogies. 

 

Let's say you were planning to go in the military.  You would be expected to endure great deprivation and make all kinds of sacrifices in the name of a greater good.  You might even be killed.  And yet thousands of parents watch their son or daughter go off to boot camp every year.  It happens.  Is it painful for them?  Sure.  But they go in the military anyway and those parents are proud. 

 

Another analogy might be, say you had always wanted to be an actress.  You have your heart set on Broadway or Hollywood.  How many thousands of young people leave home to live in some tiny hole in the wall apartment, or a big dilapidated house living with 4-5 other people -- no furniture, lousy neighborhood -- working two or three minimum wage jobs and barely getting by, just for the chance to beat the odds and make it in the entertainment business?  This happens all the time too and people survive and families cope.  It's not the end of the world.  It only seems that way to us overprotective parents. 

 

And yet what you are doing isn't just for the sake of personal success, or defending democracy, but to worship God and save souls.  Why is it okay for young people to endure hardship and make sacrifices for political or personal reasons but not for spiritual ones? 

 

Yes, cloistered convents aren't comfy spots but they're not supposed to be.  If they were, people would enter for the wrong reasons.  The deprivations are sacrifices made to God to save souls.  That is what Jesus promised his followers -- the Cross.  This is why cloistered religious are so important in the life of the Church, as they are living examples of the sacrificial lives of Jesus and Mary in a world where such examples are few.

 

It might also help your mom to point out, from a purely logistical point of view, that a convent of 20-30 sisters with one telephone receiving daily or weekly phone calls and visits from friends and family could conceivably generate 15-20 phone calls or visits a day!  Can you imagine? 

 

It may sound trite, but if God is sending you this difficulty, He is offering you the chance to test the strength of your vocation.  Persevering through such obstacles is a sign that your vocation is genuine and a good training ground for future obstacles which you will encounter in religious life. 

 

So be at peace and know that all is well, even if others are struggling with your choice. 

 

May God shower blessings on you and your family!

[marigold]

This was a really great post Whitney.  I am sure there are a lot of discerners out there who have experienced or are experiencing the same thing.

 

I think most parents are rarely supportive of their child's choice of life partner/school/career, especially in the beginning.  But the religious vocation is I think so misunderstood that it makes it even harder for most parents and friends to accept.  Add in the austerities of a cloistered order and no wonder your mom is freaking out. 

 

As others have said, only God can give peace and understanding and acceptance, so prayer is definitely the way to go in helping your mom to come to terms with your decision.  However it might help her if you draw a couple of analogies. 

 

Let's say you were planning to go in the military.  You would be expected to endure great deprivation and make all kinds of sacrifices in the name of a greater good.  You might even be killed.  And yet thousands of parents watch their son or daughter go off to boot camp every year.  It happens.  Is it painful for them?  Sure.  But they go in the military anyway and those parents are proud. 

 

Another analogy might be, say you had always wanted to be an actress.  You have your heart set on Broadway or Hollywood.  How many thousands of young people leave home to live in some tiny hole in the wall apartment, or a big dilapidated house living with 4-5 other people -- no furniture, lousy neighborhood -- working two or three minimum wage jobs and barely getting by, just for the chance to beat the odds and make it in the entertainment business?  This happens all the time too and people survive and families cope.  It's not the end of the world.  It only seems that way to us overprotective parents. 

 

And yet what you are doing isn't just for the sake of personal success, or defending democracy, but to worship God and save souls.  Why is it okay for young people to endure hardship and make sacrifices for political or personal reasons but not for spiritual ones? 

 

Yes, cloistered convents aren't comfy spots but they're not supposed to be.  If they were, people would enter for the wrong reasons.  The deprivations are sacrifices made to God to save souls.  That is what Jesus promised his followers -- the Cross.  This is why cloistered religious are so important in the life of the Church, as they are living examples of the sacrificial lives of Jesus and Mary in a world where such examples are few.

 

It might also help your mom to point out, from a purely logistical point of view, that a convent of 20-30 sisters with one telephone receiving daily or weekly phone calls and visits from friends and family could conceivably generate 15-20 phone calls or visits a day!  Can you imagine? 

 

It may sound trite, but if God is sending you this difficulty, He is offering you the chance to test the strength of your vocation.  Persevering through such obstacles is a sign that your vocation is genuine and a good training ground for future obstacles which you will encounter in religious life. 

 

So be at peace and know that all is well, even if others are struggling with your choice. 

 

May God shower blessings on you and your family!

 

Very good advice. Also liking the Bowie signature :)

[Golden Years]

Thanks Marigold!  :rolleyes:

[NunMother]

For me the most important consideration in the cloistered life is ACCESS to your daughter or son. 

 

As a parent, I believe it is best not to draw analogies with other professions, as I can think of none where access to the person might be forever severely restricted.  Is there any profession/career/vocation other than cloistered life where a person can never take a week off?

 

In my opinion the military should not be used as an analogy.  My husband served 30 years active duty as an officer in the Army so I am very familiar with the life of “Duty, Honor, Country.”  The military receive generous vacation/leave time, and can call and write home whenever possible when deployed.  Military members are also free to celebrate occasions/holidays with their families.  Police and firefighters are also dangerous professions, but again, family access to the person is not restricted. 

 

I believe it is best to present and explain to your parents the reasons why you are choosing this lifestyle.  If your parents are against a particular cloistered community, is it possible for you choose a few different communities that have more lenient visitation?  Look for a cloister that both you and your parents are drawn to.  I remember freaking out at some cloisters, and just said, “Find some others to show me!” 

 

As parents, we have to accept our sons’ and daughters’ vocations and career paths, even if the paths they choose are not what we had envisioned for them.  They are adults and have to make their own choices.  We may get hurt, but will have to deal with the pain as best we can.  Trust me, there will always be a sadness in my heart because she will never come home again for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, our 50^th Wedding Anniversary, or her sister’s wedding. 

[Guest Allie]

For me the most important consideration in the cloistered life is ACCESS to your daughter or son. 

 

As a parent, I believe it is best not to draw analogies with other professions, as I can think of none where access to the person might be forever severely restricted.  Is there any profession/career/vocation other than cloistered life where a person can never take a week off?

 

In my opinion the military should not be used as an analogy.  My husband served 30 years active duty as an officer in the Army so I am very familiar with the life of “Duty, Honor, Country.”  The military receive generous vacation/leave time, and can call and write home whenever possible when deployed.  Military members are also free to celebrate occasions/holidays with their families.  Police and firefighters are also dangerous professions, but again, family access to the person is not restricted. 

 

I believe it is best to present and explain to your parents the reasons why you are choosing this lifestyle.  If your parents are against a particular cloistered community, is it possible for you choose a few different communities that have more lenient visitation?  Look for a cloister that both you and your parents are drawn to.  I remember freaking out at some cloisters, and just said, “Find some others to show me!” 

 

As parents, we have to accept our sons’ and daughters’ vocations and career paths, even if the paths they choose are not what we had envisioned for them.  They are adults and have to make their own choices.  We may get hurt, but will have to deal with the pain as best we can.  Trust me, there will always be a sadness in my heart because she will never come home again for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, our 50^th Wedding Anniversary, or her sister’s wedding. 

Just...thank you.

Edited March 16, 2013 by Allie

[NunMother]

ajhall

 

Here is a good thread.