That's All, Folks! Or So I Thought...

[maximillion]

Marigold, you have been very much in my thoughts and prayers in the last week....and now here you are!

 

Thank you for having the humility to post as you did, and it sounds, once more as if He knew exactly what was afoot in your previous experiences, as you have grown in understanding as a result. He is so wonderful in the ways He brings us to understanding ourselves and His will, turning what at first are painful and difficult experiences into glowing gold as He manifests His Mercy.

 

My continued prayer for you in whatever way He leads.

[NotreDame]

I've mostly stopped being furious and upset with the community :) and have looked very hard at my life and everything that went into entering the convent - some very ugly things inside me! - and seeing just how much in 'My Vocation' was illusion, delusion, fear, wishful thinking, idealism, self-hatred, self-love, control...

...

Recently I went back and read through this thread, and my original entering thread. I was so different, and so high on it, completely sure of myself and of God - it's strange, I can't even remember a lot of things about the decisions and lead-up to entering - that I think I flung myself so headlong into it that I didn't even conceive of danger.

 

I have seen this happen before to others (and to some extent to myself.)  May I ask, did you have a spiritual director from outside the monastery helping you with the decision?   If so, what role did they play in entering, leaving, and afterwards?

[juchu]

When I think now what a massive thing it is to enter - to really enter, body and soul - I can't believe that anyone is ever brave enough to try. I can't get that innocence back (maybe wouldn't want to), but I've had to go all the way down to the bottom and somehow still want to give my life to God as a nun. So either I am a total lunatic, or I really am supposed to be going through all of this. :)

 

Good to read from you! You are still in my prayers!

 

And in a way, although I am continuing my journey within my community as a novice, I can relate to what you write. The more I am here, the more trials I am facing which make me grow but which are not easy, the more I think "oh my, if I had known all of that before...." Having lived as a volunteer with another community of sisters for a year with definetly not a very "saintly" community life, I had not a lot of "paradise-images" of nuns, not at all.

 

But still, what you write - to really enter, body and soul.... This is a massive step, I realize now after my first steps - and maybe one needs a  bit of this innocence.

 

I will pray for you and for your desire to give your life to God.

[cmaD2006]

I've had to go all the way down to the bottom and somehow still want to give my life to God as a nun. So either I am a total lunatic, or I really am supposed to be going through all of this. :)

 

Gosh how I understand *that* statement.

 

And I get to say this much ... I have come to realize that even when you *think* you "go all the way to the bottom", you don't!.

 

I came to this awesome-striking realization during the 30 day exercises.  Where I came to realize that I hit the "bottom" that the Lord allowed me to hit -- because He *knew* I couldn't stand to go deeper/lower.

 

Having said that (terrifying yet awe-striking) note, it is still awesome/great when you *do* hit that level that God allows.  Because it leads to great growth.

 

And yep ... to the world you're probably a lunatic, even for having tried religious life, but it all turns out to be part of the fabric that God weaves in your life.

 

Nice to hear from you!

[marigold]

I have seen this happen before to others (and to some extent to myself.)  May I ask, did you have a spiritual director from outside the monastery helping you with the decision?   If so, what role did they play in entering, leaving, and afterwards?

 

My father-confessor has been one of the most supportive before, during and after. He initially gave the go-ahead to visit the community, and encouraged me when I decided to enter - even taking up a collection from the parish for plane tickets! Obviously he's here and the community is in the U.S., so he never did meet them personally, but to his credit he is still being supportive and has talked through with me a lot of the things that went wrong. Not denying the mistakes I made but also telling me that leaving was the right thing to do because it was so unhealthy. Recently he said, 'Enjoy your life now, and when the time is right, find the right monastery by trial and error.'

 

PS Thank you for the prayers and encouragement, everyone :)

[NotreDame]

Not denying the mistakes I made but also telling me that leaving was the right thing to do because it was so unhealthy.

 

thanks for the reply.  I don't at all doubt that your leaving was the right thing ;)  I'm more curious about the entering. 

 

What could be very helpful to others are your thoughts on what mistakes if any you made prior to entering, what you may have done differently, and what you would do differently next time around. 

 

I understand these things might be personal and/or you might need more time to have an objective view of what happened, but if you get to that point feel free to share so that others who come after you could also benefit from your experience.

[AuthorOfMyLife]

Marigold, it's good to hear from you! I for one, really appreciate the fact that you are sharing your thoughts with us during this time in your life. THANK YOU for helping us (read: me!) to understand some things we might not have thought of otherwise.

 

Also, I'm sort of a "Doctor Who" fan and one thing the character says frequently is: "I'm just a mad man with a box." Well, sometimes I think WE are just mad men / women with a box (I mean the tabernacle that holds the Most Blessed Sacrament). We don't understand a darn thing about what to do, what to think, etc. BUT we know that what is (who is) in the "box" is real.

 

If He's real, then He has a real, possible, livable life planned for each of us. Somehow or other, everything will work out as He really wants it to. 

 

Again, thank you! I will keep you in my prayers!

 

 

[marigold]

thanks for the reply. I don't at all doubt that your leaving was the right thing ;) I'm more curious about the entering.

What could be very helpful to others are your thoughts on what mistakes if any you made prior to entering, what you may have done differently, and what you would do differently next time around.

I understand these things might be personal and/or you might need more time to have an objective view of what happened, but if you get to that point feel free to share so that others who come after you could also benefit from your experience.

I'm thinking about it. :)

[Carmelshrimp]

Marigold, I think the thing to remember is that God loves us all tenderly, but that close encounters with the divine still leave us naked and confused.  Whatever went wrong/was wrong with your community, you were there as a result of trying to be faithful and obedient to your sense of calling.  The fact that the time and the place weren't right doesn't necessarily negate that calling and the experience of hitting the bottom is one that comes to  most of us who try to discern God's will but who discover in the process that God is hidden as well as revealed.  The Orthodox embracing of the apophatic tradition may help you with that since that's your spiritual home.  So glad you've retained your belief in God's call - and relax.  He won't let you go and he'll make sure you get where he wants you to be if you keep listening.  I shall now stop sounding like your granny and push off to bed! Good luck x

[AveMariaPurissima]

 Whatever went wrong/was wrong with your community, you were there as a result of trying to be faithful and obedient to your sense of calling.  The fact that the time and the place weren't right doesn't necessarily negate that calling and the experience of hitting the bottom is one that comes to  most of us who try to discern God's will but who discover in the process that God is hidden as well as revealed. 

 

Thank you for this, Carmelshrimp.  I'm in a situation somewhat similar to Marigold's, and these words help, as well as other things you have said on this thread. :)

[Carmelshrimp]

Really kind of you to say so.  It's a hard place to be in, but not necessarily a bad one.  Prayers for both of you - I know it hurts.

[marigold]

thanks for the reply.  I don't at all doubt that your leaving was the right thing ;)  I'm more curious about the entering. 
 
What could be very helpful to others are your thoughts on what mistakes if any you made prior to entering, what you may have done differently, and what you would do differently next time around. 
 
I understand these things might be personal and/or you might need more time to have an objective view of what happened, but if you get to that point feel free to share so that others who come after you could also benefit from your experience.

  

I'm thinking about it. :)

I never did reply to this... I came to the conclusion that if God wanted me to give a good, insightful answer, he would show it to me - as it was, at the time I just had a lot of confused thoughts going in circles. But an answer came another way, unexpectedly, on the morning of 10th of May. I was dreaming of the monastery, and it was the happiest, most wonderful experience I've had since I left. I remembered all the good things about it, how much I loved everything about being there, the smell of hay from the fields, the light in the chapel, the smiling faces of the sisters, how utterly at home I felt - but then the bad things too, the difficulty in dealing with some of them, the dysfunction, the poverty of time and the spiritual isolation. But I was so happy being back there, it was so very real. In a way I 'saw' the answers to those above questions. And I realised that, in spite of everything, I could go back - not had to, but could - and make a go of it, in spite of all the obstacles from the top down. The possibility was there, and it felt like I almost could have reached out and grabbed it, and I so wanted to. And then I woke up. And I realised it was two years to the day since I entered.

When I left, I decided that I would not be chasing after another monastery on my own steam - God would have to bring something right before my face, if he wanted me to be a nun. And he has. Through friends, I've become involved in a project to found a new monastery. There's nothing to say I actually will enter there - it's not at that stage yet - but I'm choosing to help out and dedicate what I can towards establishing it, as I think it is a very important project. So I will probably be moving closer after the summer and taking some simple job (not nannying! Please God!) in order to do what I can. It's quite exciting, not at all what I would have chosen for myself, and I have absolutely no desire to be a founder or a pioneer of anything, but we'll see what happens.

By your prayers... :)

[brandelynmarie]

:bounce:

[maximillion]

Yes, double bounce!!!!

 

 

So happy for you, for your lovely dream and for the dream into some form of reality.

 

Praying for the project and for you, and praising God.

[Hemma]

Hi Marigold. This is so precious, all the experience you share with us. I've never heard anybody describing my own feelings after having left the community so closely.

 

For me it's at the time the question: actively looking for a monastery? or waiting for God's signs?  I've always felt an inner urge towards searching and so I thought, as long as God gives me the impulse I will follow it.

But at the moment I can't see to the ground. Somehow I wish nothing else but lazing around. Deciding is so arduous. Even if I decide to wait or to do "nothing" i. e. wait for God's initiative, I have to decide that... and time is running. My traineeship has 8 months left and then I have to find a decision for the time to follow.

 

Perhaps you might find a few words to the "how to find the right monastery"-question...