Writing Love Letters To Your Future Spouse

[Winchester]

What I write to my future wife is my beaver dam business.

And what you put on the internet is everyone's business.

[4588686]

Is Jason Evert married?

[PhuturePriest]

And what you put on the internet is everyone's business.

 

People are free to give an opinion, but to tell me that I'm making a mistake when you don't know my intentions or anything about me is ridiculous.

Is Jason Evert married?

 

Married with five (Or is it six) children.

[Gabriela]

I'm aware you are a girl. But I never spoke to you about it, therefore you are not in the list of girls I have spoke to about it. You are the only girl not to find it romantic and sweet. I like those odds. The guys don't like it, but seeing as how I am not marrying a man, I don't think it's a problem if guys don't like it.

 

I'm a girl. I don't find it romantic and sweet. I find it sappy. If a man read that to me on my wedding night, I'd think him desperate and rather pathetic. (Which would really upset me, cuz by that point, I'd have married him.)

 

You said you've been thinking of your future wife for a long time, yes? Weren't you just discerning the priesthood a few months ago?

 

If you say it works for you, and helps you, then do it. But you posted about it in a public forum. People are going to give their opinions. Clearly this is not the balance of opinions you expected. But I think you can still learn something important from this: People with a lot of experience in relationships think it's a bad idea. Maybe their personalities are just different from yours.

 

Or maybe they're right.

 

If you take their advice, you learned to be corrected. If you don't, you strengthened your character.

 

Either way, you win.

 

Yay! ;-)

Edited February 7, 2013 by curiousing

[PhuturePriest]

I'm a girl. I don't find it romantic and sweet. I find it sappy. If a man read that to me on my wedding night, I'd think him desperate and rather pathetic. (Which would really upset me, cuz by that point, I'd have married him.)

 

You said you've been thinking of your future wife for a long time, yes? Weren't you just discerning the priesthood a few months ago?

 

If you say it works for you, and helps you, then do it. But you posted about it in a public forum. People are going to give their opinions. Clearly this is not the balance of opinions you expected. But I think you can still learn something important from this: People with a lot of experience in relationships think it's a bad idea. Maybe their personalities are just different from yours.

 

Or maybe they're right.

 

If you take their advice, you learned to be corrected. If you don't, you strengthened your character.

 

Either way, you win.

 

Yay! ;-)

 

This is the last time I'm going to post (Or one of the last times, anyway), but here's a last crack at trying to explain it.

 

What these letters DO NOT look like:

 

"I love you. You are brighter than a thousand suns, and I love you so much. I dream of walking with you on a beach and singing Broadway musicals softly in your ear."

 

What these letters look SIMILAR to:

 

"I just learned that I graduated high school. I'm so proud of myself, and I did it for you. I hope to build upon this success so I can make a bright future for us. It was so hard graduating, but I am glad I went through the struggle. I did it out of love and respect for you."

 

What part of that screams desperate and pathetic?
 

[Gabriela]

This is the last time I'm going to post (Or one of the last times, anyway), but here's a last crack at trying to explain it.

 

What these letters DO NOT look like:

 

"I love you. You are brighter than a thousand suns, and I love you so much. I dream of walking with you on a beach and singing Broadway musicals softly in your ear."

 

What these letters look SIMILAR to:

 

"I just learned that I graduated high school. I'm so proud of myself, and I did it for you. I hope to build upon this success so I can make a bright future for us. It was so hard graduating, but I am glad I went through the struggle. I did it out of love and respect for you."

 

What part of that screams desperate and pathetic?
 

 

To my eyes, the part where you say that you accomplished a major achievement in your life for someone who may not exist, rather than for yourself and God. It's certainly admirable to strive for success for the sake of one day being a good family man, but I would like to see in my husband a little motivation to develop himself for hisself's sake.

 

FP, what if, in 5 years, you realize you are in fact called to the priesthood or the brotherhood? Will you then look back on all the things you accomplished for the sake of a non-existent spouse as pointless, a waste of time? Dude, be where you are right now, and enjoy the moment. Do things for their own sake, because you have a moral duty to, or because you think it will make you a better person, or just because you think it a worthy goal—not for the sake of some ideal future.

[loveletslive]

i'd just like to chime in as the voice of another female of dating age who doesn't find this sweet or romantic. kind of weird actually. 

 

just curious, how old are you?

oh, you're sixteen....that explains it. you're not getting married or becoming a priest anytime soon, so...anything you're going to write now is probably going to be pretty embarassing when you're twenty something and getting married ;)

Edited February 7, 2013 by loveletslive

[PhuturePriest]

To my eyes, the part where you say that you accomplished a major achievement in your life for someone who may not exist, rather than for yourself and God. It's certainly admirable to strive for success for the sake of one day being a good family man, but I would like to see in my husband a little motivation to develop himself for hisself's sake.

 

FP, what if, in 5 years, you realize you are in fact called to the priesthood or the brotherhood? Will you then look back on all the things you accomplished for the sake of a non-existent spouse as pointless, a waste of time? Dude, be where you are right now, and enjoy the moment. Do things for their own sake, because you have a moral duty to, or because you think it will make you a better person, or just because you think it a worthy goal—not for the sake of some ideal future.

 

Let me give you some of my back story, Curiousing. When I was fourteen years old, I couldn't tell you what five times five was. I didn't even know what that meant. I felt a call to the Priesthood in February of 2011, and I started studying. Two years later exactly, all by myself I went from not knowing what five times five is to now knowing how to do algebra, and being a good student that is going to graduate either this year or next year (This year would be two years early, and next year would be one year early). I did that by myself. Nobody told me to, nobody suggested it to me, I just opened up books and did it. I am developing myself into what I want to be: A dedicated husband that will do anything for his wife. Do you think I want to spend tomorrow juggling a job and learning algebra? Heck no. But I'm doing it. Do you think I want to take the SAT's and go to Benedictine for a minimum of four years at $30,000 a year just because? If you do, you don't know a thing about me. I'm doing these things for my wife. If I did them for myself then I simply wouldn't do it. But that's the thing: These things are NOT about me. They are about my wife. I'm building a future for my wife, not for me. It is all about her and God and what God wants for me in my life. To say I'm not enjoying the moment is laughable. I feel more alive and motivated to become an all A student than ever. I have never once wanted to become an all A student until now, and it's because of my future spouse. God has done wonderful things for me, and I have never been more thankful to Him for my life which was unfortunate and full of problems than now.

 

Am I called to become a husband or not? Vocationally, I have discerned with the guidance of a religious Sister that God most likely does not want me to be a Priest or join the religious life. The thought of being a Priest was terrible for me. It caused anxiety and depression, and the thought of going to the seminary for more than a two day trip was a nightmare for me. But the thought of getting married and having children was unreal. I felt happiness, joy, fulfillment, and I felt as if I could do so much more for God that way, which is what our vocations are for, right? So yeah, maybe I am called to be a Priest, anything is possible, after all. But in recent times God has been quite clear with me on what He wants me to do, so I'm doing it. I hope you can respect that.
 

[ImageTrinity]

But I have a particular type in girls, and part of it is them being
super girly and loving this sort of romantic stuff. I know a lot of
girls that do, so I don't see why it's a big deal.

You may not see it, but you are setting up an ideal of what your future spouse will be like. It may be that God calls you to marry a woman who doesn't have a romantic bone in her body. Life (and marriage) are full of surprises!

 

"I just learned that I graduated high school. I'm so proud of myself,
and I did it for you. I hope to build upon this success so I can make a
bright future for us. It was so hard graduating, but I am glad I went
through the struggle. I did it out of love and respect for you."

Whether you marry or never marry, you should strive to for success for the love of God.

 

I agree with everyone else who've said that you're wandering into dangerous territory with these letters. Trust me, it's far better to receive letters from your actual spouse! I'm writing a letter to my hubs right now. :love:

[beatitude]

FP,

I'm quite concerned by these posts, and I'm going to be honest.

 

This time last year, you were fixated on the idea of becoming a priest, and you talked about it as though it were an absolute certainty. You didn't say it made you anxious or depressed; you said it was your true fulfillment in life, and anyone who so much as hinted that you might not end up a priest was accused of thinking negatively of you just because you're young.

 

Then you went through a period of some personal growth and maturity, and were able to acknowledge that you weren't so sure about priesthood anymore.

 

Now you seem to be reverting to exactly the way you were, only the focus has shifted from priesthood to marriage. Same black-and-white thinking. Same insistence that you must be right because Jason Evert said XYZ. Same obsessiveness.

 

When I read that you couldn't multiply five by five at the age of fourteen, my concerns only increased. If this is true, then rather than writing letters to a hypothetical wife I think you need to be having some honest open communication with your family about why you were able to reach your teens without even a basic education, and addressing any other problems that may exist there.

 

[PhuturePriest]

You may not see it, but you are setting up an ideal of what your future spouse will be like. It may be that God calls you to marry a woman who doesn't have a romantic bone in her body. Life (and marriage) are full of surprises!

 

Whether you marry or never marry, you should strive to for success for the love of God.

 

I agree with everyone else who've said that you're wandering into dangerous territory with these letters. Trust me, it's far better to receive letters from your actual spouse! I'm writing a letter to my hubs right now. :love:

 

My wife will ideally like romance, yes. That's something I would really like, and that's something I would like even if I didn't write these letters. I have always wanted that.

 

Read, please.

 

Let me give you some of my back story, Curiousing. When I was fourteen years old, I couldn't tell you what five times five was. I didn't even know what that meant. I felt a call to the Priesthood in February of 2011, and I started studying. Two years later exactly, all by myself I went from not knowing what five times five is to now knowing how to do algebra, and being a good student that is going to graduate either this year or next year (This year would be two years early, and next year would be one year early). I did that by myself. Nobody told me to, nobody suggested it to me, I just opened up books and did it. I am developing myself into what I want to be: A dedicated husband that will do anything for his wife. Do you think I want to spend tomorrow juggling a job and learning algebra? Heck no. But I'm doing it. Do you think I want to take the SAT's and go to Benedictine for a minimum of four years at $30,000 a year just because? If you do, you don't know a thing about me. I'm doing these things for my wife. If I did them for myself then I simply wouldn't do it. But that's the thing: These things are NOT about me. They are about my wife. I'm building a future for my wife, not for me. It is all about her and God and what God wants for me in my life. To say I'm not enjoying the moment is laughable. I feel more alive and motivated to become an all A student than ever. I have never once wanted to become an all A student until now, and it's because of my future spouse. God has done wonderful things for me, and I have never been more thankful to Him for my life which was unfortunate and full of problems than now.

 

Am I called to become a husband or not? Vocationally, I have discerned with the guidance of a religious Sister that God most likely does not want me to be a Priest or join the religious life. The thought of being a Priest was terrible for me. It caused anxiety and depression, and the thought of going to the seminary for more than a two day trip was a nightmare for me. But the thought of getting married and having children was unreal. I felt happiness, joy, fulfillment, and I felt as if I could do so much more for God that way, which is what our vocations are for, right? So yeah, maybe I am called to be a Priest, anything is possible, after all. But in recent times God has been quite clear with me on what He wants me to do, so I'm doing it. I hope you can respect that.
 

FP,

I'm quite concerned by these posts, and I'm going to be honest.

 

This time last year, you were fixated on the idea of becoming a priest, and you talked about it as though it were an absolute certainty. You didn't say it made you anxious or depressed; you said it was your true fulfillment in life, and anyone who so much as hinted that you might not end up a priest was accused of thinking negatively of you just because you're young.

 

Then you went through a period of some personal growth and maturity, and were able to acknowledge that you weren't so sure about priesthood anymore.

 

Now you seem to be reverting to exactly the way you were, only the focus has shifted from priesthood to marriage. Same black-and-white thinking. Same insistence that you must be right because Jason Evert said XYZ. Same obsessiveness.

 

When I read that you couldn't multiply five by five at the age of fourteen, my concerns only increased. If this is true, then rather than writing letters to a hypothetical wife I think you need to be having some honest open communication with your family about why you were able to reach your teens without even a basic education, and addressing any other problems that may exist there.

 

You don't know the family or the story, so please stay out of that.

 

I'm not saying with certainty that I am called to marriage. I could be called to a Carthusian charterhouse in France for all I know. But with this personal growth and maturity I have become more self-aware, and the said Sister (That knew me during the times of absolute certainty about my vocation) agreed with this, and that I seem to be on the right track. Thank you for your opinions and concerns.
 

[Gabriela]

Let me give you some of my back story, Curiousing. When I was fourteen years old, I couldn't tell you what five times five was. I didn't even know what that meant. I felt a call to the Priesthood in February of 2011, and I started studying. Two years later exactly, all by myself I went from not knowing what five times five is to now knowing how to do algebra, and being a good student that is going to graduate either this year or next year (This year would be two years early, and next year would be one year early). I did that by myself. Nobody told me to, nobody suggested it to me, I just opened up books and did it. I am developing myself into what I want to be: A dedicated husband that will do anything for his wife. Do you think I want to spend tomorrow juggling a job and learning algebra? Heck no. But I'm doing it. Do you think I want to take the SAT's and go to Benedictine for a minimum of four years at $30,000 a year just because? If you do, you don't know a thing about me. I'm doing these things for my wife. If I did them for myself then I simply wouldn't do it. But that's the thing: These things are NOT about me. They are about my wife. I'm building a future for my wife, not for me. It is all about her and God and what God wants for me in my life. To say I'm not enjoying the moment is laughable. I feel more alive and motivated to become an all A student than ever. I have never once wanted to become an all A student until now, and it's because of my future spouse. God has done wonderful things for me, and I have never been more thankful to Him for my life which was unfortunate and full of problems than now.

 

Am I called to become a husband or not? Vocationally, I have discerned with the guidance of a religious Sister that God most likely does not want me to be a Priest or join the religious life. The thought of being a Priest was terrible for me. It caused anxiety and depression, and the thought of going to the seminary for more than a two day trip was a nightmare for me. But the thought of getting married and having children was unreal. I felt happiness, joy, fulfillment, and I felt as if I could do so much more for God that way, which is what our vocations are for, right? So yeah, maybe I am called to be a Priest, anything is possible, after all. But in recent times God has been quite clear with me on what He wants me to do, so I'm doing it. I hope you can respect that.
 

 

I certainly do respect that, and I think we can both agree that I don't know anything about you. All I know is my own experience. So let me tell you that.

 

For the first 12 years of my adult life, all I wanted was to get married, have babies, make a comfortable home, and homeschool. I worked, but I didn't see the point of it. I did squat to advance my career. I did squat to improve myself. I dated dozens of guys. I was engaged twice—both broken. At 32, I was out of work, with no prospects of finding a new job, and I was all alone.

 

The turning point for me came in the second engagement. He was Norwegian, so I packed up my suitcase, got on a plane, and flew to Norway to marry him. As soon as I landed, the poo hit the fan. His family went nuts. "He was too young to marry." For three months (the length of my visa), we went back and forth, back and forth—marry and give his mother a heart attack, or wait and satisfy her? What did that mean for me? A dream fulfilled? A vocation attained? No, it meant sitting around in Norway unable to work, study, or otherwise secure myself any kind of future, with no guarantee whatsoever that this guy would commit to securing my future either. I realized that I cannot rely on other people to motivate me to live my life. I don't have a future. I only have what God has given me NOW. And I have a duty to be a good steward of that NOW.

 

I left Norway. Two years later—and only two years older—the Norwegian married another American girl with whom I'd often seen him Skyping. Now, what if I had stayed? It's impossible to know. But if he loved that girl enough to marry her, I seriously doubt that my sticking around would have changed that.

 

Now, to my utter shock, I'm thinking I might be called to religious life. Whoduv thunk it? Absolutely no one. I was an Orthodox Jew, for crying out loud. We do not get the futures we want or expect, FP.

 

So, if this dream motivates you to live your life to the fullest, that is wonderful. But if, in 5, 10, 20 years, you are still unmarried, what will motivate you then? Abandoning a decades-old sense of purpose for a future that suddenly appears to be nothing but an empty, unknowable abyss sucks. So, from my experience, I would simply suggest that you keep your eyes on the gift of life God is giving you RIGHT NOW, and let the future unfold as it may.

Edited February 7, 2013 by curiousing

[Winchester]

I'm sure whichever chick you end up hooking up with will like smarm.

Hang around the Nicholas Sparks section at Barnes and Noble.

[PhuturePriest]

I certainly do respect that, and I think we can both agree that I don't know anything about you. All I know is my own experience. So let me tell you that.

 

For the first 12 years of my adult life, all I wanted was to get married, have babies, make a comfortable home, and homeschool. I worked, but I didn't see the point of it. I did squat to advance my career. I did squat to improve myself. I dated dozens of guys. I was engaged twice—both broken. At 32, I was out of work, with no prospects of finding a new job, and I was all alone.

 

The turning point for me came in the second engagement. He was Norwegian, so I packed up my suitcase, got on a plane, and flew to Norway to marry him. As soon as I landed, the poo hit the fan. His family went nuts. "He was too young to marry." For three months (the length of my visa), we went back and forth, back and forth—marry and give his mother a heart attack, or wait and satisfy her? What did that mean for me? A dream fulfilled? A vocation attained? No, it meant sitting around in Norway unable to work, study, or otherwise secure myself any kind of future, with no guarantee whatsoever that this guy would commit to securing my future either. I realized that I cannot rely on other people to motivate me to live my life. I don't have a future. I only have what God has given me NOW. And I have a duty to be a good steward of that NOW.

 

I left Norway. Two years later—and only two years older—the Norwegian married another American girl with whom I'd often seen him Skyping. Now, what if I had stayed? It's impossible to know. But if he loved that girl enough to marry her, I seriously doubt that my sticking around would have changed that.

 

Now, to my utter shock, I'm thinking I might be called to religious life. Whoduv thunk it? Absolutely no one. I was an Orthodox Jew, for crying out loud. We do not get the futures we want or expect, FP.

 

So, if this dream motivates you to live your life to the fullest, that is wonderful. But if, in 5, 10, 20 years, you are still unmarried, what will motivate you then? Abandoning a decades-old sense of purpose for a future that suddenly appears to be nothing but an empty, unknowable abyss sucks. So, from my experience, I would simply suggest that you keep your eyes on the gift of life God is giving you RIGHT NOW, and let the future unfold as it may.

 

I know what you are saying, Curiousing. The past two years of my life have been so full of 180's and I had no idea I would actually change my mind about things. From twelve to fourteen I wanted to be a Rock star, and from fourteen to sixteen I wanted to be a Priest. With discernment I realized God likely does not want me to be a Priest. Note the word "likely". It's still possible. If I go to sleep tonight and in my dream the clouds part and a booming voice goes "MILES, GO TO THE SEMINARY AND GET ORDAINED!" I would do it. But this is what I think God is calling me to, and I hope you can respect that as well.

 

My motivation used to be becoming a Priest. That was the only reason I started studying. I've discerned God doesn't likely want me to become a Priest. As you can see, I'm obviously not living in an empty unknowable abyss. I have a sense of purpose. If God shows me that he wants me to stay single, than great. But my motivation has always been God's vocation for me. If doing something out of motivation for what God wants is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

I'm sure whichever chick you end up hooking up with will like smarm.

Hang around the Nicholas Sparks section at Barnes and Noble.

 

Thank you for the love and support, Winchester. It always makes me smile when you're on my side.

Edited February 7, 2013 by FuturePriest387

[LinaSt.Cecilia2772]

Yo FP, You need to take a chill pill bro.

 

 

I've said this before and I'll say it again. Be careful of what you post on the Phorum. Because there are lots of opinions that may not be what you want or expect to hear.