rachael Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Important marriage filters: 1. Do I want to bang this person? 2. Can I stand this person? 3. If I have problems standing this person, does the urge to bang them outweigh that? this needs way more props Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maggyie Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Important marriage fiddlers: 1. Do I want to bang this person? 2. Can I stand this person? 3. If I have problems standing this person, does the urge to bang them outweigh that? Yup. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Augusta Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 In choosing whom I go out with, I generally ignore all the criteria you've mentioned, tbh (except personality. And even then, I've gotten that one wrong before, so...)I don't think it's ok to say "I won't date/marry you based on whether or not you are X,Y,or Z." I wouldn't date someone I wasn't attracted to, no. However, I wouldn't say no to someone just because they're not my idea of the ideal good looking opposite sex. You're free to do that, of course. Obviously, most Catholics are destined to marry one person, and only one. Therefore, the idea of restricting or discriminating is essential. You (likely) get one shot at marriage. My friend took finding a marriage partner very seriously; she knew that a man's sexual past would bother her. So, she ruled those people out. She ruled out smokers, too. And people with tatoos. She wasn't comfortable marrying a man with those qualities. Her decision, too, by the way. Of course, she was much more lenient/flexible when it came to appearance, or fitness, or wealth, or status. To choose to only marry a virgin is to ignore EVERY OTHER FACET of that person; it is to focus solely on one aspect and that aspect reduces them to an object. To reduce a person to an object - especially a sexual object - is anti Christian. While I'm annoyed you've skipped over my previous posts that address this exact objection, I'll link it for you: http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/topic/126739-what-gives/?p=2537834 -AK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IcePrincessKRS Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 (edited) This is pretty much my friend's case. She would be bothered by a sexual past, so she states that she won't marry a man with one. If I could convey the amount of emotional abuse she has suffered, I'd be here for weeks. Things like "you're unChristian", "you're going to Hell", "you can't do that, that's a sin", "you're a coward", "you're anti-Christian", "I'm praying that you never find someone", "God hates you", et cetera. The people who made those comments use similar logic, arguments, and assumptions to some of the people on this thread. It's quite difficult to know that your close friend is in therapy due to the abuse she received from people at her church (Catholic, too), but it's also hard to stay calm when those kinds of people, making the same kinds of arguments, then have the nerve to call my friend "anti-Christian" due to her stated desire. If she ever decides to marry (not likely), she will forever have the comments of those "kind, loving Catholics" from her parish echoing through her head. All due to her "friends" thinking they're better because they can overlook or accept more. Again, this isn't about me, it's my friend, but I'll answer anyway since our views are alike (hopefully it'll give some idea). Well, the temporal consequences of those things are minor, so it's not quite analogous in terms of gravity (but still valid, of course). That said, if someone did not like me entirely, why would I want him to date me? I can't get my head around it. If he doesn't really like me, it would be selfish of me to insist or to guilt him into it. Same goes for marriage: if someone can't love me entirely, due to my personality, views, appearance, fashion, whichever, why on Earth would I want that person to marry me? "I love you, and you mostly love me"? That's a recipe for disaster. What's worse is guilting people into marrying someone they're not entirely happy with. I cringe at the idea of a person, troubled by their partners actions (sexual, etc), at the altar essentially lying while saying the vows. There seems to be a concern with rejection and with unrequited love. As Karl Keating once said, "within easy driving distance, there are a hundred people whom you could marry and have an equally happy life with." I hear echoes of the soulmate theory; "they're perfect, except for this one thing" or "I would have missed out on the man God picked out for me." It doesn't work that way. I think the there are a lot of factors that cause people to lash out when someone says "I only want to marry a virgin like myself." I see the assumptions of bad faith, the holier-than-thou attitudes that they claim to renounce, and the strange perceptions of being arbiters of marriage partners. It's bizarre. If they kept to themselves, it would be okay, and my friend wouldn't be a shell of her former, happy self. Thank you for being polite. -AK It's carppy that your friend is being treated that way. But no one in this thread has acted in that manner. It was noted by a couple of people that the "I only want to marry a virgin" topic was hashed out here not too long ago and thus some of the responses are colored by that discussion. Largely because people who are not virgins were treated poorly, or talked down to. People haven't been saying it's bad to prefer or hope for marrying a virgin, but that we shouldn't be jerks and dweebs to those who are not. Again, I think you are reading negativity into posts where there is none. Edited January 30, 2013 by IcePrincessKRS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Augusta Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 Neat. Tell us more. :bounce: Debates are more fun when you know the person with whom you are debating. Okay. Well, I'm a female, as previously stated. 28 years old. C. Phil. in Computer Science (unofficially, it's just a designation where I'm from - it leads to a Ph.D.) I fully expect to be deputized as tech support. :hehe: Feel free to ask if you want to know more. -AK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Winchester Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 As crude as this comment is, it still allows for someone to restrict their search to virgins. Is this a correct interpretation? -AKYeah.Values are subjective. Some people like used cars, some don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lil Red Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 This is pretty much my friend's case. She would be bothered by a sexual past, so she states that she won't marry a man with one. If I could convey the amount of emotional abuse she has suffered, I'd be here for weeks. Things like "you're unChristian", "you're going to Hell", "you can't do that, that's a sin", "you're a coward", "you're anti-Christian", "I'm praying that you never find someone", "God hates you", et cetera. Thank you for being polite. -AK people have said these things to her? :( that's awful! seriously, i hope she punched those people. :| It's carppy that your friend is being treated that way. But no one in this thread has acted in that manner. It was noted by a couple of people that the "I only want to marry a virgin" topic was hashed out here not too long ago and thus some of the responses are colored by that discussion. Largely because people who are not virgins were treated poorly, or talked down to. People haven't been saying it's bad to prefer or hope for marrying a virgin, but that we shouldn't be jerks and dweebs to those who are not. Again, I think you are reading negativity into posts where there is none. this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Winchester Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Why is your avatar a mallet shaped like a hand that is mallet-like? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmaD2006 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 (edited) This is one of those threads that makes me feel like VS is a really, really pleasant place and that I should go back there. Word ... that's why I've been staying out of VS. And now this! Ok --- venting done :). Augusta -- welcome to PM! I do think that someone who desires that their bride or husband-to-be is a virgin is ok, as long as the person does not automatically condemn those who are not. As others have said there is so much more to chastity than just the physical part, and it is quite possible for someone who had fallen into sin to be perfectly chaste for decades. Having said that -- if it is that important to you, so be it. It is your right to choose your mate as you see fit. :) (and I just finally read the REST of the thread ... it really should read "if it is so important to your friend ... etc." Edited January 30, 2013 by cmariadiaz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lil Red Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Why is your avatar a mallet shaped like a hand that is mallet-like? some guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IcePrincessKRS Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Why is your avatar a mallet shaped like a hand that is mallet-like? The Mallet Fist of DOOM! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyAnn Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Yeah. Values are subjective. Some people like used cars, some don't. In the context of this discussion, I find that comparison highly offensive. People who are not virgins are not "used" or "damaged" or in any way lesser than those who are not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissyP89 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 This is pretty much my friend's case. She would be bothered by a sexual past, so she states that she won't marry a man with one. If I could convey the amount of emotional abuse she has suffered, I'd be here for weeks. Things like "you're unChristian", "you're going to Hell", "you can't do that, that's a sin", "you're a coward", "you're anti-Christian", "I'm praying that you never find someone", "God hates you", et cetera. The people who made those comments use similar logic, arguments, and assumptions to some of the people on this thread. It's quite difficult to know that your close friend is in therapy due to the abuse she received from people at her church (Catholic, too), but it's also hard to stay calm when those kinds of people, making the same kinds of arguments, then have the nerve to call my friend "anti-Christian" due to her stated desire. If she ever decides to marry (not likely), she will forever have the comments of those "kind, loving Catholics" from her parish echoing through her head. All due to her "friends" thinking they're better because they can overlook or accept more. Again, this isn't about me, it's my friend, but I'll answer anyway since our views are alike (hopefully it'll give some idea). Well, the temporal consequences of those things are minor, so it's not quite analogous in terms of gravity (but still valid, of course). That said, if someone did not like me entirely, why would I want him to date me? I can't get my head around it. If he doesn't really like me, it would be selfish of me to insist or to guilt him into it. Same goes for marriage: if someone can't love me entirely, due to my personality, views, appearance, fashion, whichever, why on Earth would I want that person to marry me? "I love you, and you mostly love me"? That's a recipe for disaster. What's worse is guilting people into marrying someone they're not entirely happy with. I cringe at the idea of a person, troubled by their partners actions (sexual, etc), at the altar essentially lying while saying the vows. There seems to be a concern with rejection and with unrequited love. As Karl Keating once said, "within easy driving distance, there are a hundred people whom you could marry and have an equally happy life with." I hear echoes of the soulmate theory; "they're perfect, except for this one thing" or "I would have missed out on the man God picked out for me." It doesn't work that way. I think the there are a lot of factors that cause people to lash out when someone says "I only want to marry a virgin like myself." I see the assumptions of bad faith, the holier-than-thou attitudes that they claim to renounce, and the strange perceptions of being arbiters of marriage partners. It's bizarre. If they kept to themselves, it would be okay, and my friend wouldn't be a shell of her former, happy self. Thank you for being polite. -AK OK. I get where she's coming from. It's reasonable. My only concern is that by saying "I will not under any circumstances marry x sort of person" she could really miss out on someone wonderful, you know? My position is more like "I PREFER xyz but I'm going to keep my heart and mind open to see who God brings into my life." It's a lot easier, I've found, to let God bring a couple together instead of trying to force what we think is best for us. Again, I know you're here for your friend. I would just be sad if she lost her chance at her perfect man because she limited herself, that's all. God bless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnightofChrist Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 This elevator only goes to the basement. And somebody made an awful mess down there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Winchester Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 In the context of this discussion, I find that comparison highly offensive. People who are not virgins are not "used" or "damaged" or in any way lesser than those who are not. I didn't say they were. But if you're looking for things to be offended about, just keep track of my posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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