Respecting Parents

[Archaeology cat]

I can relate to responding in kind to tone of voice. I've always had that problem with my mother. I'm getting eater, by the grace of God, but it' a long road. Add in your other circumstances,and it's even harder, if you can, I'd echo Maggie's advice. If that isn't possible, well, just realise some days will be better for your reactions than others. Praying for you.

[add]

here's a hint: if you don't have something helpful to add to a thread, shut your mouth.

Likewise

[Lil Red]

Likewise

 

glad we understand each other.

[God the Father]

here's a hint: if you don't have something helpful to add to a thread, shut your mouth.

 

Uh, maybe it's the troll in me, but I don't find what he said all that offensive and I think your hostility in repsonse is a little unwarranted. For some people, family is a burden."God's will," maybe, but a burden nonetheless. I don't think the remark is grossly out of place in this thread. Have you been getting enough sleep?

[add]

I didn't mean to strike a nerve or be offensive, neither did I intend to to be rude or disrespectful.
The bond between a mother and child ( of any age) is a terrible thing to miss out on.
Respect is a two way street ...
Perception is everything

[Lilllabettt]

tt - didn't you say you were just diagnosed with autism?

 

that can lead to communication problems.  consider cutting Mom some slack.

[cmotherofpirl]

We are required to honor our parents, this does not mean with have to like them or tolerate abuse from them. We are always required to pray for them. When you are an child you have to obey your parents unless that would lead to sin, but not as an adult. AS an adult we must treat our parents at the minimum as we would treat a neighbor - love they neighbor as thyself. Loving yourself means you have appropriate boundaries on what you can and cannot have in your life to be healthy. That said, most parents have their children's best interest at heart, and try within their own limitations to be good role models. Sadly some of them just cannot, especially if drugs, alcohol, selfishness,  or mental illness are present. In those cases you need to get help to break the cycle, love them as much as healthy, and live your life.

[Autumn Dusk]

tt - didn't you say you were just diagnosed with autism?

 

that can lead to communication problems.  consider cutting Mom some slack.

 

Yeah, but wouldn't that make it harder for TT to comunicate with her mother, not the other way around.

 

It sounds as if there are some major issues going on her, that are really too hard to diagnose over the internet.  But we do know that there is some major bad mojo occurring in the parental department.

 

1) find yourself a support system.  To have healthy relationships you need to be a healthy person.

2) If you find that your parents aren't working to create healthy relationships, then take a step back.  This can be no going to their house, no phone calls, just meeting in public or not at all.

3) set a time limit or a boundary.  Start with something like 3 or 6 months.  If at the end of 3 or 6 months you are in a place you feel safe and better able to communicate then go for it, if not extend it.  Your mental health matters. 

 

Respecting parents means doing what it takes to become a healthy, well balanced adult.  If they cannot be part of your plan, it's very tragic, but it really will work out in the end.  

[Autumn Dusk]

Double post

Edited January 24, 2013 by Autumn Dusk

[Lilllabettt]

 Yeah, but wouldn't that make it harder for TT to comunicate with her mother, not the other way around

 

No. I don't think so.  Communication takes two - and it takes them both sending AND receiving. If one person can't do one or both (send AND receive) - because they have a condition, are stressed, or whatever - communication breakes down.

[Autumn Dusk]

No. I don't think so.  Communication takes two - and it takes them both sending AND receiving. If one person can't do one or both (send AND receive) - because they have a condition, are stressed, or whatever - communication breakes down.

 

Sort of, in a healthy parent-child relationship a parent would recognize and assist in the needs of a child rather than creating strife.  When adult is in an abusive relationship and the child has a disorder, it is still up to the parent to help meet the needs of their child, even as an adult.

 

If TT was simply autistic and struggling with family communications, it'd be one thing, but it seems as if TT is doing her best to communicate and has a mother who is consumed with negativity.  This is not TT's fault or job to fix, it's her mothers.  Certinatly TT's own limitations don't help the problem, but they certinally are not a cause.

[Lilllabettt]

I'm sure tt is doing the best she can to communicate. Maybe Mom is doing the best she can too? I think its a leap to assume she is "consumed by negativity."

 

We have expectations for how parents treat young children. We believe parents "owe" their growing children a good example, a safe, healthy home, unconditional love, a good education, etc. When we don't receive these things from them, we feel wronged. And we ARE wronged. As children, we are owed.

 

Part of growing up is a realignment of that relationship. We no longer relate as deserving child and responsible parent. We are more like friends. Friends who respect - friends who show common courtesy. Friends who "like?" Close friends? Perhaps not. We are not obligated to be near and dear with our parents. And they are not obligated to be near and dear with us.

 

So ... does my Mom have a moral obligation to go to therapy and learn to communicate at a level that is acceptable to me? No. Does she have a moral obligation to let me live under her roof? No. Does she have a moral obligation to even "like" me? No. And grown-ups have no real right to feel "wronged" if their parents withold these things. It is not a question of  justice, or what is "fair."

 

But here we have a woman  who is allowing her grown child to live under her roof - presumably because she not only "likes" her child - but in fact loves her. And the grown child is frustrated by the level of communication between them. This scenario plays out in homes across the country - without an abusive marriage and a developmental disorder thrown in the mix. TT, you say you are in need of healing from all that has happened to you in the past. And yet you have chosen to move into close living quarters with the person who sexually harassed you? I personally would rather live on the street than sleep in a house or ride in a car with someone who did that. But you are riding in their car and sleeping in their house - and your Mom is not communicating well enough. Do you see what I'm saying? I just think she deserves some slack.

 

 

 

 

Edited January 24, 2013 by Lilllabettt

[Autumn Dusk]

I'm sure tt is doing the best she can to communicate. Maybe Mom is doing the best she can too? I think its a leap to assume she is "consumed by negativity."

 

That was referring to the fact that she is in deep denial about her verbally abusive husband.  TT described her mother as being the target, acknowledged it, then being defensive.  Her mother cannot help herself, nevermind TT.

 

 

We have expectations for how parents treat young children. We believe parents "owe" their growing children a good example, a safe, healthy home, unconditional love, a good education, etc. When we don't receive these things from them, we feel wronged. And we ARE wronged. As children, we are owed.

 

Part of growing up is a realignment of that relationship. We no longer relate as deserving child and responsible parent. We are more like friends. Friends who respect - friends who show common courtesy. Friends who "like?" Close friends? Perhaps not. We are not obligated to be near and dear with our parents. And they are not obligated to be near and dear with us.

 

So ... does my Mom have a moral obligation to go to therapy and learn to communicate at a level that is acceptable to me? No. Does she have a moral obligation to let me live under her roof? No. Does she have a moral obligation to even "like" me? No. And grown-ups have no real right to feel "wronged" if their parents withold these things. It is not a question of  justice, or what is "fair."

 

 

There is still a parent/child relationship going on.  It is up to the mother to work on her own problems.  The mother does owe it to herself to get better, thats were the responsibility lies.  TT cannot fix her mom, nor expect her mom (who is in need of healing) to have a good communication and relationship.

 

 

But here we have a woman  who is allowing her grown child to live under her roof - presumably because she not only "likes" her child - but in fact loves her. And the grown child is frustrated by the level of communication between them. This scenario plays out in homes across the country - without an abusive marriage and a developmental disorder thrown in the mix. TT, you say you are in need of healing from all that has happened to you in the past. And yet you have chosen to move into close living quarters with the person who sexually harassed you? I personally would rather live on the street than sleep in a house or ride in a car with someone who did that. But you are riding in their car and sleeping in their house - and your Mom is not communicating well enough. Do you see what I'm saying? I just think she deserves some slack.

  Again, it's TT who wants to help herself and her mother.  And that's great you'd rather live on the street, but have you ever actually done so or were you lucky enough to get other help?  Street living is awfully brutal especially when it's -5 degrees out.

 

I don't think the mother deserves "slack" so much as I think TT is looking for water from a stone.

[add]

I'm in an awkward situation. Dad is verbally abusive and I honestly think that he has narcissistic personality disorder. He is mean to mom, my little brother, and I yet acts as if we are the problem. Over these past months I've been known to stick up to him and to stick up for my other family members but he just continues laughing at such remarks, denying it, etc.

 

I see that there just isn't any point in doing that anymore since he just gets defensive. It can be painful though, especially seeing how he treats my mom and she complains to me about his behavior. I then try to tell him what she told me thinking that if someone points it out to him that he'll reconsider but that never happens.  I realize now though that she has told him time and time again everything that she has told me in describing why she is upset with him, but he just doesn't care or gets defensive.

 

I can't always walk away form his obnoxious behavior like when I'm in the car going somewhere with him. I thought of listening to music so that I don't have to listen to him, but he gets mad that my little brother does that because then dad can't talk to him.

 

Mom and I will have to schedule at least one appointment with my therapist on the communication difficulties that we have. She doesn't intend to sound critical or angry at times which greatly upset me, but I can't help but react to how she sounds regardless. She says that it's my problem. I don't claim to be blameless in our communication difficulties, but think that it is unfair that I should be the only one to work on these misunderstandings. I get  confused by what I see as mixed signals to me and I'd like it for the both of us to mutually work at these problems.

 

On top of all of that, I'm living at home with them right for a plethora of reasons and need to undergo a great deal of healing after what has happened to me over the years.

 

Your mother and little brother need you more than you know.  It sounds as if you are not the only one who is in need...

Ignoring family is not an answer, it only makes matters worse. 

 

 

Edited January 25, 2013 by add

[Lil Red]

Your mother and little brother need you more than you know.  It sounds as if you are not the only one who is in need...

Ignoring family is not an answer, it only makes matters worse.
 

 

she'll be no help to others if she's not healthy herself. laying a guilt trip on someone won't help either.