Spiritual Direction

[Mary+Immaculate<3]

I have been praying bout it for months, and I think it's time for me to get a spiritual director. God has been so close to me in life since my conversion in January 2012, that I feel I should get someone who is "on the same page" with me, spiritually, so that I might have a better idea of how to make my decisions. I've talked to some few people in my personal life about my spiritual life, but I don't want to tell them about some of the things God has revealed to solely myself. So I was wanting to know "how t works." I'm guessing the steps go along the lines of this:

1) Tell my parents I want a spiritual director (because I'm under 18).

2) Contact my parish priest and ask him if there is anyone who he would recommend and/or meet with him to discuss why I feel the need to have a SD.

3) Attempt to find a solid SD whose can counsel me as to what my spiritual life should be striving for, and who seems to "fit." Perhaps contact the Diocese and ask how to find one.

 

Another reason for my having a SD is that I have been discerning for over 9 months, and basically every community I have looked at has a letter/approval from a spiritual director. Of course, an SD shouldn't be "used" for getting in the the convent, I know that, but I know I need one in my life in general.

 

Also, I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to post this!

Edited January 7, 2013 by Mary+Immaculate<3

[carmenchristi]

It seems to me that you are on the right track! Pray that The Lord will send you the right person to guide you, and don't get discouraged if the first priest or two you talk to doesn't work out. I met with a lot of priests before my SD fell from the sky. ;)

[BarbTherese]

My spiritual director sort of 'fell from the skies' also.  I had pretty well given up unless one just 'fell under my nose'.  There was one last place I had not tried and finally decided to overcome by very real reservations and give it a try and I confess more to give myself a feeling that I had tried absolutely everything.  The result of that last try has been my director now for probably 7 years or so.  She is a religious sister and had been novice mistres in her Order.  I did obtain her through our Diocesan offices "Spirituality Office" and a rather intimidating title I found which kept me from contacting the office.

My experience is that the first couple of appointments are to discern whether the director and directee can work together.  The way the SD chooses to go about this may vary.  Over time, one knows whether the SD sessions are working well, or whether they are not.   The SD will be able to discern the same for his or her part.  A sound spiritual director (educated, wise and holy with holy as the most important) is most often very insightful and so no fears warranted that one is just 'using' the person as a reference for an application to religious life.

And if one is going to need a reference from a SD as part of an application process, then it is a wise move to obtain one.

Edited January 8, 2013 by BarbaraTherese

[A Yearning Heart]

Having an SD is a blessing and many people want, but can't find one, so the things you suggest-asking advice etc sound like great places to start.  

 

I received advice to go find one many times-from people who are SD's to others but who didn't feel it was the right fit for them-so I was often left 'trying' but not actually 'finding'.

 

I had the chance to try with some SD's, but sometimes it only took one conversation to know that it didn't fit, or if they were willing to go further, they got reassigned to another State (a sure sign God is saying: 'thanks for trying, it's not for you-maybe wait some more'). 

 

As others have stated above, an SD literally fell out of the sky when I wasn't looking. After running practically everywhere, it was only after I stopped, that one crossed my path that worked. I suspect God waits for us to let Him do what He wants in us, as in many other things. It is not what I would call ideal as it is a few hours drive away, is only once every few months or so, but it has proved itself with many graces and blessings. 

 

I was also told along the way that if I've been seriously trying, and something doesn't work out, then in terms of SD (or anything really), God won't leave you short of the graces you need to get where you need to go; it's just we don't see the way God sees, so it is a time for trusting (and learning to trust) God more. 

 

So, pray, ask questions of people who would know, don't be afraid to try a few different people or feel disappointed that one didn't work out-you'll know if it is meant to be or not-and trust. When and if the time is right, God will give you an SD :)

Edited January 10, 2013 by A Yearning Heart

[PadrePioOfPietrelcino]

I've been really lucky in the SD dept...when I first started discerning 8 years ago I immediately was put in contact with the Apostles of Interior Life and one of the Sisters became my SD, after deployments, I made three phone calls to a few priest I Jew and asked for recommendations for someone who might be in the area...they all three recommended the same Fr, who just so happened to be the Associate Pastor at my Parish, he's been a great SD. I know not everyone is so lucky to have so many great SDs around their area, so I guess from my experience the easiest way to find one is to simply ask around if anybody knows someone...

[Mary+Immaculate<3]

Thank you all, I'm going to ask my parents very soon, I emailed the vocation director to ask her what she thinks of my getting an SD. She saw the vocation video I posted on YouTube, so she knows where I'm coming from. There are just certain things that I don not want to talk about with my "regular" friends and family, because they're just...I don't know, complicated. Anyhow, thanks again for the advice everyone :) Any other advice is appreciated!

[PadrePioOfPietrelcino]

You will remain in my prayers for both discernment and finding a SD.

[carmenchristi]

. There are just certain things that I don not want to talk about with my "regular" friends and family, because they're just...I don't know, complicated. Anyhow, thanks again for the advice everyone :) Any other advice is appreciated!

And you are absolutely right in feeling this way. Friends are great to give us fraternal advice and stand by us, but their relationship with us is much different than that of a SD. I have a friend who is convinced that our friendship replaces any need for spiritual direction... I'm working hard and praying to convince her otherwise. In other cases I've had friends ask ME to be their SD. Of course I refused because I'm not prepared in any way, academically or spiritually, I'm too young and have my own basic problems and discernment.... But most of all because you can't be a spiritual director to your friends. Period.

And of course, I'm praying for you.

[A Yearning Heart]

There is a hugh difference in a friend and an SD. One can have spiritual friends-people who you share their spiritual life with and is a good thing-St Teresa of Avila I think advocates this as a form of encouragement in our faith and to help it grow. Though, not all aspects of our life can be discussed with all our friends-there are different levels of friendship. 

 

Spiritual direction is something else entirely-an unbiased and objective view of our spiritual life that isn't clouded by friendship or their or our likes/dislikes-where we can be assured that we aren't deluding ourselves or leading ourselves astray by our own egos. The main aim of which is to grow in relationship with God-and for that kind of advice, I'm going for someone well-studied in the spiritual life, someone older with real life experience as well (though not always necessary) and who lives and tries to live a holy life.

 

Prayers :)

[A Yearning Heart]

One can have spiritual friends to share your spiritual life with and is a good thing, but sometimes they are hard to find as well. I know it feels odd to share something so personal with someone else, who you're not sure how they will take it or if they're at the same place as you.  St Teresa of Avila I think advocates spiritual friends as a form of encouragement in our faith and to help it grow. Not all aspects of our life can be discussed with all our friends though and there are different levels of friendship. I can't discuss my spiritual life with practically any of my friends bar one-it's a real blessing. 

 

Spiritual direction is something else entirely-an unbiased and objective view of our spiritual life that isn't clouded by friendship or their/our likes/dislikes-where we can be assured that we aren't deluding ourselves as to where we think we are or what we think is happening. The main aim of which is to grow in relationship with God and the SD is there to help you listen to what the Holy Spirit is doing in your life. That kind of advice needs someone well-studied in the spiritual life, someone possibly older with real life experience as well (though not always necessary) and who lives and tries to live a holy life, and of course, the Holy Spirit needs to be present. When He's there, the graces just flow :) 

 

Prayers :)

[cmaD2006]

To add my two cents:

 

a) you can have a spiritual friend (or friends) with whom you share your spiritual life with.  That's ok.  You can listen to their opinions and advice as well and discern what is appropriate.

b) a spiritual director is NOT a spiritual friend.  A SD is (ideally) unbiased (or at least biased towards the Gospel not towards you personally).  A spiritual friend is not. 

c) there are boundaries that should not be crossed.  A spiritual director should not be a friend.  In addition -- I think that it is questionable to have a spiritual director with whom you work very closely with respect to ministry.  Why?  Because, if there is a ministry issue that can be something going on on a spiritual level and where you would bounce the situation off of a spiritual director, then all of a sudden you have an issue that you can't necessarily discuss with your spiritual director because you work with him in ministry. 

 

Now having said that -- it is quite possible that over time a spiritual director becomes a sort of friend ... that was the case with my 1st spiritual director (who was my director for about 8 years).  It just develops -- but it wasn't a "normal" friendship, i.e. that I would hang out with him.  It was more of a caring for one another and trust that built up over time.  But he was always my "director" first.

 

Traditional models of spiritual direction implies that there is a sort of authority that the s.d. has over the directee.  I find that today it is more of a subtle authority -- i.e. a director will make suggestions, and a directee needs to be quite open to pay attention to that and to act.  That model in and of itself excludes the possibility of having a "mere spiritual friendship."

 

There is an article I read in spanish that discusses the difference between spiritual direction and companionship.  I think it is more common to have the latter than the formal -- i.e. there is no formalized relationship.  You can have someone who you may consult every so often depending on what is happening, and that would be considered spiritual companionship.  But a spiritual direction relationship requires more contact, a more formalized relationship, and a certain level of accountability that is not necesarily there with a spiritual companion. 

 

Not everyone is called to have a spiritual director, and there are times in one's life where a director is needed and other times where a companion is needed.  I know the 1st director that I had really had the role of a companion in my life, and it was only with the 2nd that more of a director-directee role occurred.

 

Hope this helps,

[Debra Little]

It seems like the priests are too busy to be spiritual directors.

[cmaD2006]

It seems like the priests are too busy to be spiritual directors.

 

It really, really depends.  All of my directors have been priests.  However it is a bit funny -- I had as potential directors (including those who were my director) 5 religious priests and 5 diocesan priests.

 

It's just a question of finding the right fit.  I think someone already said it -- when the Lord wants you to have a director, then things just work out. 

[Mary+Immaculate<3]

Thanks for you advice, encouragement, and testimonies everyone, they have helped a lot. I finally asked my mom, and so the next step will be asking my pastor. Because I'm from a huge diocese in a densely populated state (Diocese of Toledo, Ohio), I am not sure if I'll be able to have a priest as a spiritual director, but then again, Jesus will find a way if that is his will. There is a priest who is at a parish a 3 min. drive from my house (~14 minutes on bike), who is an extraordinary priest. He is the associate pastor of the parish, but it is a relatively big church. He loves the youth, he is an amazing confessor, etc. If it is God's will, perhaps he will be able to be my SD. BTW if it sounds confusing, it is because I go to 2 parishes, one is traditional and I was baptized/First Communion/Confirmation there, and the other, closer one to me has LifeTeen, Perpetual Adoration, daily Mass, etc. My mom posed the idea of asking either the Visitation Monastery (about 20 minutes from my house) or the Little Sisters of the Poor (about a 35-40 minute drive), if any of their sisters could be my SD. If I were to do that, I would probably choose the Visitation Monastery, not only because of distance (that is an afterthought), but because I think I'm called to contemplative religious life, not active. Once again thanks for prayers and support. I'll try to keep you all updated.

[Debra Little]

We don't have those here!