It's Going Too Fast...

[OnlySunshine]

Perhaps we shouldn't make rash judgements on a public forum...

Edited January 23, 2013 by MaterMisericordiae

[AnneLine]

Hi, NonNovi and all,

 

I had intended to write a bit in here, and first Phatmass was acting up and I couldn't get back in, and then I have had a number of deaths and other drama going on in my world (details in the BG random thread on the lame board - prayers gratefully accepted!)and just totally forgot to get back.  But I have been praying and I still will pray.

 

I accidently posted this at this moment... will continue momentarily!  Come check back in a few mins!

 

 

Edited January 23, 2013 by AnneLine

[NonNovi]

1.Of course I understand why my parents are upset, I'm not stupid.

2. Yes, I really want to sit around and do nothing all day :doh:

3. I payed college myself, it's my money I'm trowing away.

4. You don't know half of what the Capuchin said to me and he certainly didn't say I was immature. That is your judgement, not his. :judge:

5. I'm not asking to stay under his roof, on the contrary... I'm out of here as soon as I can. 

[OnlySunshine]

1.Of course I understand why my parents are upset, I'm not stupid.

2. Yes, I really want to sit around and do nothing all day :doh:

3. I payed college myself, it's my money I'm trowing away.

4. You don't know half of what the Capuchin said to me and he certainly didn't say I was immature. That is your judgement, not his. :judge:

5. I'm not asking to stay under his roof, on the contrary... I'm out of here as soon as I can. 

 

Prayers!  :)

[organwerke]

So...you are upset that they expect you to actually get a job and contribute?  You decided to drop out of college.  You are 24!  Don't you think that you should contribute to the household and your own needs or do you think that they should provide this to you indefinitely?  Do you really expect them to allow you to just sit around and do your own thing at their expense?  You don't have any firm plans except to go to a monastery with a friend as a house guest for awhile.  Do you seriously not understand why your parents are upset?  Have they been paying for the education that you so easily are tossing aside?  Perhaps that is why it is so easy....if you are not the one paying for it.  It is odd but true, that if something is just handed to us and we don't have to work for it, then it is usually not really appreciated.  It is time for you to grow up.  You are a grown man, not a child.  The Capuchin was correct in his assessment.....you are immature.   By the way, your father is perfectly within his rights to demand that if you are going to stay under his roof, then you need to work since you are not continuing your education.

 

I don't think NonNovi is immature, at all.

It would be much worse asking his parents to pay further for the college when he has already realized that this is not what he will do in the future. Maybe you forget that being a priest is also a job, not only a vocation. He simply wants to study to become a priest instead of studying to become a teacher.

It is true that parents do many sacrifices for their sons, but I don't think that a parent may force a son: "since I've chosen to pay you university to become a teacher, you HAVE to become one."

NonNovi's parents of course are not forced to contribute to their son's dream if they don't agree. NonNovi isn't asking them to pay for his studies. He will provide otherwise for this.

But to call him immature simply because he has realized that he doesn't want to become a teacher (so he doesn't want that his parents pay other money for this) but to fulfill God's will for him is really quite strange for a person who writes on phatmass on the Vocation Station.

 

Sorry I see only now that NonNovi himself paied for the college. So...you probably like to guess things you don't know at all!

Edited January 23, 2013 by organwerke

[savvy]

NonNovi,

 

Word of advice. I think you should finish your studies. I remember I thought I would be in religious life, so I lost interest in my studies, that previously were everything to me, and I had just four courses to finish, that I did not and started working.  The thing is I still have not found an order with whom anything has been finalized. These things are not in our hands, but in God's. You can keep praying, and just live your everyday life. You do not want to look back with regrets, because now I still have to  finish these four course regardless of where I enter, since they would help give me a sense of closure.

 

I know what it feels like to want something so bad, but to have to wait for it. But in life there are no guarantees. We can only pray and leave the rest to God.

 

 

 

[AnneLine]

Continuing from before (sorry I hit enter accidently before....)

 

This morning you wrote:

 

Okay, this is getting more frustrating by the minute. My parents now know I'm not doing my exams and that I'm dropping out. Now they expect me to find a job and start working!! They're driving me crazy, I'm really in the mood to just pack some stuff and go. Can I do that? It doesn't seem the nicest thing to do, but I can't go on like this...

 

I'm going to break this down into a few pieces at the bottom of this post... but first a few thoughts on some of the responses thus far this morning:

 

You are an adult, so it's up to you.  My parents did the same to me for quite a while.  I really didn't have anywhere else to go and things calmed down.  However, if you have somewhere to go and think it will help, only you can make that decision.  It might help to talk to a priest or someone else you trust first.  Prayers!

 

I think NonNovi has been doing a really good job at doing exactly this.   He's slowed down, he's looking at options (even if his family don't realize this).  He's talked to a priest... and he's talked to us even if it is through a forum.  He's got someone in his community that he has been in contact with, and hopefully he can continue with all of that.  

 

 

 

 

So...you are upset that they expect you to actually get a job and contribute?  You decided to drop out of college.  You are 24!  Don't you think that you should contribute to the household and your own needs or do you think that they should provide this to you indefinitely?  Do you really expect them to allow you to just sit around and do your own thing at their expense?  You don't have any firm plans except to go to a monastery with a friend as a house guest for awhile.  Do you seriously not understand why your parents are upset?  Have they been paying for the education that you so easily are tossing aside?  Perhaps that is why it is so easy....if you are not the one paying for it.  It is odd but true, that if something is just handed to us and we don't have to work for it, then it is usually not really appreciated.  It is time for you to grow up.  You are a grown man, not a child.  The Capuchin was correct in his assessment.....you are immature.   By the way, your father is perfectly within his rights to demand that if you are going to stay under his roof, then you need to work since you are not continuing your education.

 

Respectfully, I think that might be a bit strong of a reaction.  I wondered if I'd missed something, and so I just made the time to go back and read ALL the posts in this thread.   I don't think NonNovi is refusing to work or just wants to be supported... he just needs to figure out what he needs to do next.  What I see is more akin to someone who had been driving full speed down a freeway or autobahn and realized he was going in the wrong direction.  He has realized he needs to get off the freeway and even to go in the opposite directions, but the laws of physics and of spirituality say you can't just do a 180 degree turn!  There has to be a period of looking for an exit, maneuvering to the exit, getting off the freeway/autobahn and then a few moments of disorientation while you try to figure out NOW which direction do I go and is it more sensible to use some back roads or just get on the freeway in a different direction.  Slowing down a bit -- or even coming to a full stop and letting the adrenaline surge subside just makes sense!  And... making sure you know where you are going next just makes sense, NonNovi.  

 

By the way -- this is EXACTLY the same info we provided to people at the Career Center to explain to family & friends why they would NOT go back to the same kind of work that had been killing them off.   It can be very frustrating and soul-hurting to have people demanding you just DO SOMETHING when staying in one place long enough to put the pieces together really IS doing SOMETHING and in fact is DOING THE RIGHT THING.

 

So... your parents might understand that image if you provide it to them.  It explains what you are doing right now.... it also honors that you ARE doing something even if it looks like you are slowing down or even stopping a bit.

 

 

Now, to continue with my throughts regarding NonNovi's post from early this morning:

 

NonNovi wrote:

Okay, this is getting more frustrating by the minute. My parents now know I'm not doing my exams and that I'm dropping out. Now they expect me to find a job and start working!! They're driving me crazy, I'm really in the mood to just pack some stuff and go. Can I do that? It doesn't seem the nicest thing to do, but I can't go on like this...

My 2 cents for what it is worth (coming from a spiritual director and a career counselor):

 

As noted above, what you are doing is appropriate for the changes you are making.  You don't have to explain it to anyone (although I see you just did do so....)

 

They mean well, they're just frustrated and confused.  I am sure you can undertand those feelings!  so you can pray for them, but I wouldn't try to argue with them.. .it will just get them & you more upset.   Be as understanding toward your parents as you can be (and the Holy Spirit will help you with this), but try not to engage them in arguments. It isn't worth it for them or for you.  Try to respect their opinion just as you want them to respect yours.  You can say that to them if you wish.  Respecting and listening are NOT the same as doing what they ask; it just means you will listen and pray over what they suggest.  You need to make your own choices.

 

If you can find a way/place to go, that's fine.. .just work a plan and don't go stomping off in a huff.  Not good for you, nor for them.  One step at a time.

 

Continuing your studies once you know what you are doing/where you are heading makes sense, so do what you can to leave on the best terms you can with your current school.  Perhaps you can get incompletes, or document some credit for the work you have done.  If not, leave on good terms so you can continue there or somewhere else without too much drama.  You never know... you may need a reference from some of these people at some point.  So do what you can to  leave on good terms.

 

I will pray for you.... and if I can be of any help please don't hesitate to ask and/or PM me....

 

We love you, we are praying for you, and we are praying for your family, too....

 

Blessings,

 

AnneLine

Edited January 23, 2013 by AnneLine

[By His Grace Alone]

I don't think NonNovi is immature, at all.

It would be much worse asking his parents to pay further for the college when he has already realized that this is not what he will do in the future. Maybe you forget that being a priest is also a job, not only a vocation. He simply wants to study to become a priest instead of studying to become a teacher.

It is true that parents do many sacrifices for their sons, but I don't think that a parent may force a son: "since I've chosen to pay you university to become a teacher, you HAVE to become one."

NonNovi's parents of course are not forced to contribute to their son's dream if they don't agree. NonNovi isn't asking them to pay for his studies. He will provide otherwise for this.

But to call him immature simply because he has realized that he doesn't want to become a teacher (so he doesn't want that his parents pay other money for this) but to fulfill God's will for him is really quite strange for a person who writes on phatmass on the Vocation Station.

 

Sorry I see only now that NonNovi himself paied for the college. So...you probably like to guess things you don't know at all!

 

I stand by my assessment, and it is only my assessment.  It is not guess work at all, and it (the immaturity bit) has nothing to do with his not wanting to be a teacher.  Seriously, where did you come up with that?.  Don't bother to answer as it doesn't really matter.  All one has to do is read what people write or listen to what they say.  It is more revealing than most would like to admit.  For instance, I didn't say his parents paid for his education, I said that "if they have paid" for it, that could explain part of the anger, but not all of it.  Since they did not pay for it, it is a mute point.  Apparently, it would appear that he has made a decision to leave home and follow his dream.  So he won't have to bother with getting a job for the moment.  To that end I wish him good luck.  I hope everything turns out the way he wants it to.

[organwerke]

I agree: people should read well the posts, so maybe you should read what you wrote:

 

[quote] Do you seriously not understand why your parents are upset?[/quote]

what make you think he can't understand why they are upset?

 

[quote]Don't you think that you should contribute to the household and your own needs or do you think that they should provide this to you indefinitely?[quote]

This implies in your opinion he is not contributing to his own needs nor he wants to do.

 

 

Do you really expect them to allow you to just sit around and do your own thing at their expense?[/quote]

Perhaps that is why it is so easy....if you are not the one paying for it. It is odd but true, that if something is just handed to us and we don't have to work for it, then it is usually not really appreciated.[/quote]

 

This isn't just asking "are they paying for the college? In this case I can understand their reaction"

 

 

 [quote It is time for you to grow up. You are a grown man, not a child. The Capuchin was correct in his assessment.....you are immature.[/quote]

These are judgements on a person that you make without knowing and that really weren't at all necessary. If you can't see this, then...

 

(sorry I can't use the quote well)

Edited January 23, 2013 by organwerke

[ChristinaTherese]

Continued prayers for you, Novi. :nunpray: (I've been praying for you for the last while. Maybe there was a good reason....)

[Pax_et bonum]

AnneLine :love: please don't ever leave us here without you! Prayers for you, NonNovi. From one with parental problems to another, try to love them the best you can.

[petitpèlerin]

Okay, this is getting more frustrating by the minute. My parents now know I'm not doing my exams and that I'm dropping out. Now they expect me to find a job and start working!! They're driving me crazy, I'm really in the mood to just pack some stuff and go. Can I do that?

 

Can you? If you can, why not do it? Seriously, what's stopping you? Do you have any obligations or responsibilities, things to wrap up (finish up) before you take the next step? Only you know your situation.

 

By the way -- this is EXACTLY the same info we provided to people at the Career Center to explain to family & friends why they would NOT go back to the same kind of work that had been killing them off.   It can be very frustrating and soul-hurting to have people demanding you just DO SOMETHING when staying in one place long enough to put the pieces together really IS doing SOMETHING and in fact is DOING THE RIGHT THING.

 

So true. Maybe I just think so because I've been in this position so many times, and now it's finally becoming more clear to me that I couldn't do those other things no matter how hard I forced myself because God has something different for me to do. If one is a person who is willing to work hard, accept responsibility, persevere in a difficult situation, etc., which it sounds to me that NonNovi is based on how far he's come already in his degree program despite the moral problems he's had with it, then I really don't think one needs to fear "doing the wrong thing" when one finally just doesn't have the will to go any further in something one knows one doesn't want to do. Anyway, it's good to hear it from a professional. ;)

[AnneLine]

BHJA, Savvy, there's plenty of room for your opinions and feedback, even if some of us see it other ways.  We need ALL the viewpoints, and most especially, your prayers.    Discernment is a tough thing.... and sometimes it takes great courage to say something you know won't be popular or what someone wants to hear.  So I just wanted you both to know I read what you said, and respect your opinions.  :)

 

PetB (that sounds funny, but St. Francis would like it!) -- thank you that was sweet.  I hope that I can be around a long time, God willing.   Not everyone may agree!

 

PetitP (that also sounds funny... I don't think you are made of Petit point!) thanks for your feedback, too.   We get a lot of people at the career center who have had parents or other important role models / advisors who talked people into one or another career or college major... and many of them come in during their 40's totally burned out and wondering why they just can't make themselves go back into that office one more day.  NonNovi, you might be interested to know that MANY of those are people from Europe and/or Asia... because the custom in those areas is that decisions are made during childhood and/or by parents to track people into certain careers or educational paths.... and not always in ones that are a good 'fit' as they say in the career field.  Kind of the equivalent of deciding when someone is 9 or 10 that they will be a Dominican... when the person might be happier as a Franciscan.  Nothing wrong with either one.. .but VERY different things...

 

I was one of those who got into the wrong field, btw, so I totally get it.....  It takes a lot of courage sometimes to simply take the stand that I know what I can't do any more, and I am going to honor that.   At the same time (and here is a head nod toward THJA and Savvy) -- sometimes it is just as important to stay the course and keep on to finish something.  It's hard to know for sure, but that is what stopping and reassessing is all about.

 

NonNovi, we are praying for you.... take it one step at a time. 

 

 

Edited January 23, 2013 by AnneLine

[TheresaThoma]

Novi Prayers for you!

[HisAlone]

Non Novi,

 

Many prayers for you! 

 

I have felt my whole life like I was never in the "right spot" so I know how frustrating that can be. Sometimes it felt like everybody except me knew what they wanted to "be" when they "grew up"!  I never wanted to "be" anything, so I just work jobs that I don't really love - they pay the bills. BUT, I also know how wonderful it feels to hear Our Lord calling us to something deeper and the hope (and trepidation) that comes with it.  Figuring out that that you're not called to a career, but to sacrifice your entire life for love of Him...now that's something...as AnnLine says..."to get off the freeway" for!

 

You are definitely old enough to make your own decisions and young enough that you don't have to be in a hurry about them (aside from providing for your daily living expenses). 

Pray, be smart, pray some more, love lots, pray even more, sacrifice, pray again... and don't forget to breathe.

 

(and pray for me while you're at it......when it's time, I will have to tell my children and my parents!) :eek: