How To Find A Decent Man, For Women Hoping To Marry

[tinytherese]

I disagree with the advice to look at how a man treats his mother and sisters. My dad treats his mother and sister better than my mom, little brother, and I. He's been verbally abusive to us. So look at how a man treats EVERYONE. How does he get along with people who don't have the same interests and opinions as him? If he refuses to respect the boundaries of certain people and if he refuses to respect yours then say good bye.

[BG45]

I disagree with the advice to look at how a man treats his mother and sisters. My dad treats his mother and sister better than my mom, little brother, and I. He's been verbally abusive to us. So look at how a man treats EVERYONE. How does he get along with people who don't have the same interests and opinions as him? If he refuses to respect the boundaries of certain people and if he refuses to respect yours then say good bye.

 

Amen.  My father treated his mother like a Queen while she was alive, but views my mother and I as people who should wait on him hand and foot.  When I go home, he will sometimes call me "slave".  Resulting in barked orders like "Slave carry this" and "Slave mow the lawn for me".  Sorry your dad is so verbally abusive to you, your siblings, and mother. :(

 

A variant of the "how he treats everyone" is often used in academic hiring.  How's the prospective hire treating the waiter/waitress at lunch?  The janitor shows up while the prospective new hire is in someone's office, how does that person treat the custodian?  In my department, the chair always asks our secretary her opinion, because she's dealt with the person while they weren't on their best behavior; if they've treated her with respect while corresponding through the search process, he's more likely to argue on their behalf.

[PhuturePriest]

I once heard that you should dance with Jesus, because he'll only let the right guy cut in. Basically, this means stay close to Christ and make him your priority in life, and He will lead you to your vocation.

[CrossCuT]

1.)  Everything you see in the movies is completely wrong in a very messed up way.  You will not conquer the handsome player and have him follow you to the airport proclaiming his endless love and devotion from the aisles of your Boeing 757.  He will not stop your marriage to another man.  You will not change him.  Let me say that again because it's important.  You will not change him.  If he is a ladies' man now, he will be everyday of his life and your kindness and moral purity already does not matter to him.

 

Nice guys finish last.  You do want a nice guy don't you?  Good, because it makes your work much easier... look for the guy who is finishing last, and there he is, your prince charming.  Maybe he's got mustard stains on his nintendo sweatshirt, but he's all yours and nobody else's.  That is step one. 

 

2.)  Recognize potential.  Marriage is a preparation for Heaven.  It is two people engaging in daily combat in order to become more compassionate, assertive, and to have better bathroom etiquette.  It takes a lifetime of communication to get to where God wants us to be, but a lot of women end up alone because they want the end result first.  They want Prince Charming right now, and they're not willing to give a man a chance to learn how to fill those shoes.

 

The perfect man does not exist, and it is a good thing, because you are not the perfect woman.

 

3.)  Use short simple sentences.  Men respond well to three word commands.  Tell every man how you want to be treated, and when you discover one who respects you then you have a possibility.  Make a list.  These are the men who respect me.  Cross off the ones who don't have mustard stains on their sweatshirts.  And then you have narrowed it down.

 

4.)  Presume nothing.  Dating is a toxic way to meet a man, because really all it is really is you and him and whatever lies you both want to tell about yourselves.  Men will play with your expectations.  Don't let them.  This is the most important part.  You do not know a man until you know his family and his friends, and until he knows yours.  You don't know how he treats women until you hear the stories that his sisters and cousins will tell you about him.  Watch how he interacts with his mother.  Watch how he treats yours.  Don't open your heart to him until you know who is.  Don't open the door to him. Don't open anything to him.  You will only get hurt.

 

5.)  Be comfortable to telling him to buy you an engagement ring, because we're all idiots.

 

1) You might not be able to change someone,  but they can always change themselves. Its not a reason to date or continue dating someone, but we all deserve a second chance. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now and it is awesome however..he wasnt originally catholic and we even debated certain aspects of faith and morality with each other. Had I given up on him then I wouldnt be the happy girl I am now. But if course I didnt change him, but the Holy Spirit did. People can change but they need to do it for the right reasons.

 

3) Not men are all that daft  :pinch: My boyfriend is a much better communicator than I am.

 

4) Dating is NOT toixic and not all men are as manipulative as you make them out to be. I went through a year of a lot of casual dating and its not difficult to sense who you think you fit with and who you dont. But I suppose it also  depends on how receptive you are to those things. If you enter the situation dripping with desperation, people will likely take advantage of that if they are low-life jerks so there is something you can do to NOT come off that way. But it also important to not stick around a slimy guy.

 

5) Maybe not on the first date  :hehe2:

[CrossCuT]

Long story short, I'm 21 years old and basically never had a boyfriend. I've never genuinely kissed a guy or had a long-standing relationship with one. If my love life could be a picture, it'd be of a dust bowl.

My friends have boyfriends (one of them met her bf online, which I'm NOT willing to do) and have lost their virginity, except me. My 19 year old sister has gone further than I have with guys!

I'm quite shy and reserved, and not into the drinking scene. I'm in college and catching up on my major (I switched my major in the spring of my sophomore year) and am trying to maintain a 3.5 GPA so I can get into a good Nutrition MS program in state.

I'll be a senior this year, and even though I'll be at school an extra semester, I'd like to make it count. I don't know if there's something about me I could change that would get me "noticed" more, but on the other hand, I like who I am and wouldn't change a thing about me. I feel like all the guys on campus just wanna party and get drunk, and I'm so NOT into that! It's really frustrating.

My mom keeps telling me "you need to go find someone! Just keep an open mind, etc." and it's annoying, because I know she feels embarrassed that she has a 21 year old daughter who's never had a bf.

Sorry this is a long post, but I'm so consumed with school work and trying to maintain my GPA so I can get into the graduate school I want that I have 0 experience in the dating field, and would just like some tips maybe. To sum it all up, how can I find someone for me, and how the heck do I deal with comments from my mom about this subject?!

How to Find a Man

 

Well first of all, Id like to state that I know pretty much exactly how you feel. I hadnt ever officially kissed a guy until I was 24. I dated casually and had a minor relationship with someone but all in all...I never had a meaningful relationship until (again) I was 24. So please understand that everything I say is in complete understanding of how you feel because I have been there.

 

So to start, the fact you are so consumed with school work right now I think can answer your question of your current singleness status and its not a bad thing at all. Being in school you SHOULD focus on school. 

I dont think you should change a single thing about yourself in order to be more appealing to guys. The guy you want should be attracted to who you are and not who you pretend to be. I know it sounds cliche but seriously...its cliche for a reason haha!

 

Also, considering you are the exact same as me in that you dont like the party/drinking scene and youre very invested in your schoolwork, dont ever ever ever ever ever ever limit yourself to the other avenues available to you. I dont know what your particular reasoning are for NOT wanting to meet someone online, but I assure you the stigma associated with that choice is lessening every year. Thousands of online relationships start this way and I strongly hope you reconsider! Its worth a try! If you allow yourself to be open to any possibility I know youll feel better and may find success!

 

It doesnt have to be online either, find groups that pertain to a particular interest of yours. Do things for yourself that you enjoy and you will likely meet someone. I love singing so I joined a choir (there are boys in choir), I also love video games so I played with an online community. Whatever your interest, find them and do them with other people!!!!!!!!! That way you arent FORCING yourself to do something you hate (ie. going to paries/drinking).

 

I met my boyfriend online through the online community I was a part of. His friends felt the same way as you did. They told him to get off the internet and find someone! He promptly replied with "The girl I want to be with is doing the exact same thing I am" and sure enough...bam there I was! 

The key message Im trying to say is dont limit yourself. Be open. Have fun! Sometimes it takes a while for us to bloom but when we do I think we are the best flowers out there!!!  :evil:

[MithLuin]

Just please tell me that I don't have to end up with a very quiet, subdued tech geek who thinks anime geek culture cool and does not have any interest in relating to the world outside of his own little corner (with friends, church, and work).  I know they are great guys, but sometimes I want someone else to pull me onto a dance floor, someone I can take with me on cultural excursions, and I would not miss Japanese pop music if I never heard it again. Thy cosplay no longer impresseth me.

 

Haha, whereas my worry is, 'hmmm, will a guy let me dress him up in cosplay?'

 

The socialization issue is an area where people have to be more or less compatible.  It's fine if one person draws the other one out or encourages you to do new things....but a homebody and a social butterfly probably aren't going to get along very well in the long run.  There are some people who would be content to never leave home, and others who are only happy if they're going out and having adventures.  Wanting a person whose idea of 'fun' is more or less the same as yours is fine.

 

Also...that quiet geek who's been sitting in the corner and hasn't dated a girl before? What makes you think he knows how to treat women respectfully?  For all you know, he's manipulative and addicted to internet porn.  I don't think it's a good idea to assume that guys without histories are better for your little girl.  It makes a lot more sense to look for a good, holy man....regardless of what subculture you find him in.  My sister's husband was a skateboarder when she met him - they were 18.  Not too surprisingly, he's not a skateboarder at the moment.  People tend to spill out of boxes, so if you meet the nerdy gamer who is enthusiastic about accompanying you to a museum or concert, then you don't have to worry about listening to j-pop. 

[ContemporaryCaflicCrusader]

the dating seen is something like this.  

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cK2TVIOo_fY  

[tinytherese]

1) You might not be able to change someone,  but they can always change themselves. Its not a reason to date or continue dating someone, but we all deserve a second chance. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now and it is amesome however..he wasnt originally catholic and we even debated certain aspects of faith and morality with each other. Had I given up on him then I wouldnt be the happy girl I am now. But if course I didnt change him, but the Holy Spirit did. People can change but they need to do it for the right reasons.

 

That's good for you, but I'd caution anyone from entering a relationship expecting the other person to change. Maybe it will happen, but that isn't always the case.

 

I had a conversation with my mom about how sometimes (usually a woman,) will date a guy that treats her awful or who has something about him that she just doesn't want to put up with thinking "I'll change him," and it becomes obvious that the guy won't change or if he will it will be a very long time before he will and that he needs help from a therapist at that. (Please know that I'm not saying that you're in this type of relationship, but that someone who is could read into your situation that way.) I've heard this referred to as "missionary dating."

 

I used to date a guy who was codependent and tried being friends with him afterwards, but it became aparent that he wouldn't change.

 

I've learned that if you can't accept a guy for who he is then don't date him.