Spem in alium Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 I need some advice on something. I'm getting better at discerning and at feeling God with me, but I'm still having trouble with my romantic feelings for a guy back home. I was talking to my best friend Tor about it yesterday - the only friend I've really spoken to about my thoughts - and she said some pretty interesting things: 1) Her mother has been reading my travel blog, and apparently she told Tor that she thinks I'm wanting to become a sister :) Tor told me that her response was something like, "Oh, really? That's interesting" I do post some religious things from time to time, but nothing about my vocation, so it's pretty interesting that her mother thought that. But here's the real issue: 2) Tor encouraged me to tell the guy I'm interested in that I'm discerning, and then use his reaction to see whether I should initiate any kind of romantic relationship. I value her opinions, but am really unsure as to whether I should talk to him about it. My spiritual director said that she encourages women to have relationships and to live life, so I felt a bit reassured that I wouldn't be totally wrong by pursuing my feelings. Though to be honest, having a relationship with someone while I'm considering religious life seems very hurtful. Any advice, pham? I would like to let him know how i feel somehow, because I really don't think these feelings will subside any time soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemma Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 I need some advice on something. I'm getting better at discerning and at feeling God with me, but I'm still having trouble with my romantic feelings for a guy back home. I was talking to my best friend Tor about it yesterday - the only friend I've really spoken to about my thoughts - and she said some pretty interesting things: 1) Her mother has been reading my travel blog, and apparently she told Tor that she thinks I'm wanting to become a sister :) Tor told me that her response was something like, "Oh, really? That's interesting" I do post some religious things from time to time, but nothing about my vocation, so it's pretty interesting that her mother thought that. But here's the real issue: 2) Tor encouraged me to tell the guy I'm interested in that I'm discerning, and then use his reaction to see whether I should initiate any kind of romantic relationship. I value her opinions, but am really unsure as to whether I should talk to him about it. My spiritual director said that she encourages women to have relationships and to live life, so I felt a bit reassured that I wouldn't be totally wrong by pursuing my feelings. Though to be honest, having a relationship with someone while I'm considering religious life seems very hurtful. Any advice, pham? I would like to let him know how i feel somehow, because I really don't think these feelings will subside any time soon. Marriage doesn't have a novitiate. Your feelings for the man could also be based on some ideas you have of him which wont pan out when actually with him. Commend him to God and keep discerning. At this juncture, you need your space with the Lord. It it's meant to be with the young man, then let the Lord put him in your path. If a man is truly in love, he wants to be with her and do her bidding. Blessings, Gemma Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elizabeth09 Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Could God calling you to help this young man to find your "Will for God?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnlySunshine Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 I've been in a similar situation. There were times where my discernment was put on the back-burner and then I started having romantic feelings for a guy that I knew from my Young Adult group and I'd start thinking about marriage. However, it didn't last (obviously) because I'm still discerning and the guy is now married. :) My advice to you would be to do what your heart is asking you. If you feel that pursuing this relationship would hurt your discernment, then definitely don't do it. Unless you are serious (like applying to a community or something), it's not bad to date. But don't feel you have to do it because someone said you should. You have to discern that for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnightofChrist Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 It is possible to kiss a vocation away. Trying to pursue both the religious life and the married life can be problematic. Likened to serving two masters, which cannot be done. If you seriously believe God is calling you to religious life, it may be wise to focus on it alone. Because God must come first and be given your all then what you may want later. I will pray for you and that God's will be done. God bless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spem in alium Posted November 30, 2012 Author Share Posted November 30, 2012 It is possible to kiss a vocation away. Trying to pursue both the religious life and the married life can be problematic. Likened to serving two masters, which cannot be done. If you seriously believe God is calling you to religious life, it may be wise to focus on it alone. Because God must come first and be given your all then what you may want later. I will pray for you and that God's will be done. God bless. Thank you. If I'm honest, I have no real idea where I'm called for sure. I know there's definitely an attraction to religious life within me, and I'm hoping to investigate that when I have more of an opportunity. I go from feeling as though I know what to do to being absolutely unsure. Your prayers are greatly appreciated. I've been in a similar situation. There were times where my discernment was put on the back-burner and then I started having romantic feelings for a guy that I knew from my Young Adult group and I'd start thinking about marriage. However, it didn't last (obviously) because I'm still discerning and the guy is now married. :) My advice to you would be to do what your heart is asking you. If you feel that pursuing this relationship would hurt your discernment, then definitely don't do it. Unless you are serious (like applying to a community or something), it's not bad to date. But don't feel you have to do it because someone said you should. You have to discern that for yourself. Thank you. It's not that the relationship would hurt my discernment - I just feel that it could be hurtful to someone to start dating them without telling them you're thinking of religious life too. I have never really dated so I don't really have any kind of experience there, and I don't feel it to be necessary to date. But based on the strength of my feelings, I think it would be a shame not to pursue them in some way. Could God calling you to help this young man to find your "Will for God?" Perhaps. I don't know. I trust that God will lead me to Him in whatever way He sees fit. He just calls and I try to follow. Marriage doesn't have a novitiate. Your feelings for the man could also be based on some ideas you have of him which wont pan out when actually with him. Commend him to God and keep discerning. At this juncture, you need your space with the Lord. It it's meant to be with the young man, then let the Lord put him in your path. If a man is truly in love, he wants to be with her and do her bidding. Blessings, Gemma Thank you. I have grown close to this person over the space of two years. We are good friends, and I feel I have a fairly good idea as to the nature of his character. He does have faults, but he also has many admirable strengths. I do have a feeling that he has a romantic interest in me, but it's quite hard to strengthen that feeling while I'm in a different country. Even if we don't end up in a romantic relationship, I feel blessed to have him in my life. He has led me to God, and I hope I've also led him in some ways. I will follow your advice and leave it to God. I know that His will is best. I have asked God to open my eyes and my ears to His call for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToJesusMyHeart Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 My spiritual director, whom I agree with, strongly advises against dating and discerning religious life at the same time. It makes everything crazy complicated. Dating will only make your discernment for consecrated life more fuzzy and unclear. If you start dating, you need to set aside your religious discernment. It's not fair to the guy to discern both at the same time. Pray for God's will to be done in your life, and keep the discernment of two totally different vocations separate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikita92 Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I watched (last night)Franciscan University presents Catholic Compass on EWTN channel.. the guest (one of 3) was Father Timothy Gallagher, OMV the wonderful author who has wrote about "Discerning the will of God" book (with 5 other ones.) It was a awesome segment on discerning. (I even took notes.) Spem in alium-I submit visiting Father Tim's website (his full name)and explore it. It couldnt hurt to have some "Tools" to help you. To help enlighten you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikita92 Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Your SD has probably pointed you to (Spiritual master) Saint Ignatius already..however on Fr.Tim's website you can download podcasts if it would help to listen..besides reading. He said last night..That "GOD doesnt want you to be STUCK" and it is "possible to come to clarity on what choice marriage/religious life.. that God wants for me"! Prayers to you during this time. :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spem in alium Posted December 4, 2012 Author Share Posted December 4, 2012 I have come to some kind of a conclusion after a bit of prayer and meditation. Thinking about contacting communities and learning more about religious life fills me with a sense of joy and fascination I can't ignore, so I am resolving myself to try and act on those things when I go home. I need to know if that is where my heart is truly drawn. I will always love my friend, because that is just how I've grown to feel. The love I have doesn't make me sad, because I know God will take care of him even if we simply remain friends. If my friend feels romantically inclined towards me and makes that known, I may end up in a deeper relationship with him. But for now, I want to focus on God and on what He is communicating to me, because that to me is the best way of knowing which path to take. My spiritual director, whom I agree with, strongly advises against dating and discerning religious life at the same time. It makes everything crazy complicated. Dating will only make your discernment for consecrated life more fuzzy and unclear. If you start dating, you need to set aside your religious discernment. It's not fair to the guy to discern both at the same time. Pray for God's will to be done in your life, and keep the discernment of two totally different vocations separate. Yes - that would greatly confuse things. The issue is though, I don't know if I could give up thoughts of religious life. This is the clearest I've ever felt about my discernment, but at the same time I'm still very unclear...if that makes any sense at all. I watched (last night)Franciscan University presents Catholic Compass on EWTN channel.. the guest (one of 3) was Father Timothy Gallagher, OMV the wonderful author who has wrote about "Discerning the will of God" book (with 5 other ones.) It was a awesome segment on discerning. (I even took notes.) Spem in alium-I submit visiting Father Tim's website (his full name)and explore it. It couldnt hurt to have some "Tools" to help you. To help enlighten you Your SD has probably pointed you to (Spiritual master) Saint Ignatius already..however on Fr.Tim's website you can download podcasts if it would help to listen..besides reading. He said last night..That "GOD doesnt want you to be STUCK" and it is "possible to come to clarity on what choice marriage/religious life.. that God wants for me"! Prayers to you during this time. :-) Thank you :) She hasn't recommended Saint Ignatius to me, but I have looked at his writings in my own time. She did say the words spoken by God to Julian of Norwich, though - "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well". I do believe that with all my heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eowyn Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I watched (last night)Franciscan University presents Catholic Compass on EWTN channel.. the guest (one of 3) was Father Timothy Gallagher, OMV the wonderful author who has wrote about "Discerning the will of God" book (with 5 other ones.) It was a awesome segment on discerning. (I even took notes.) Spem in alium-I submit visiting Father Tim's website (his full name)and explore it. It couldnt hurt to have some "Tools" to help you. To help enlighten you I've got one of his books on discernment- excellent book!!!!!!!! (There aren't enough exclamation points in the world for this one.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spem in alium Posted December 4, 2012 Author Share Posted December 4, 2012 I've got one of his books on discernment- excellent book!!!!!!!! (There aren't enough exclamation points in the world for this one.) I'll definitely have to check it out, then :) It's in the college library here - I'll try and borrow it tonight :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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