Doubt

[Kevin]

I hope this does not come across as dismissive, but this just sounds like anxiety to me.  It also sounds like you are in the wrong program as you are very gifted and could do quite a bit of good for humanity with your doubts.

 

No, you are probably right. However, I don't think my program is wrong for me - I like writing poetry, and I like teaching, and this lets me do both. I am just in a bad way at the moment. I am too alone. I feel like everyone around me who might have had my struggles has already reached Hassan's conclusion about God and the world (with all due respect to Hassan). So I have no one to comfort me in my hour of need. At least not in person.

[theculturewarrior]

No, you are probably right. However, I don't think my program is wrong for me - I like writing poetry, and I like teaching, and this lets me do both. I am just in a bad way at the moment. I am too alone. I feel like everyone around me who might have had my struggles has already reached Hassan's conclusion about God and the world (with all due respect to Hassan). So I have no one to comfort me in my hour of need. At least not in person.

 

You are gifted, which is a subset of the general population.  You are an intellectual which is a subset of the gifted population, and you are eager to keep your Catholic faith, which puts you at an extreme minority on both counts.  It is a lonely life.  I know this because I am all of these things to a lesser degree.  There is a place for you though.  If you re-evaluate your life, I would hope you find a better place than dreary university culture.

[Kevin]

You are gifted, which is a subset of the general population.  You are an intellectual which is a subset of the gifted population, and you are eager to keep your Catholic faith, which puts you at an extreme minority on both counts.  It is a lonely life.  I know this because I am all of these things to a lesser degree.  There is a place for you though.  If you re-evaluate your life, I would hope you find a better place than dreary university culture.

 

You really don't understand, though thank you for your thoughts. This is something I'm doing as an alternative to substitute teaching, which is infinitely worse, not to mention the only job I was capable of getting. I got a secondary teaching certificate - for the very reason you mention, of wanting to live in the real world, not in the academy.

 

It's not the academy though, it's me. I just...I'm so afraid of death. I don't want to become nothing, so I feel like I run to faith because it offers some escape from that. I just don't know what to think or do. I feel like God doesn't hear my prayers at all.

[theculturewarrior]

When you recover, look back at this.  I think you will be surprised at how well I do understand.

[theculturewarrior]

I lost my fear of death, which is actually worse than having it.  My University was evacuated twice due to machine gun violence on the other side of the border.  I started whistling the theme to Sanford and Son when I walked to my car at night.  I thought, if I get hit by a stray bullet, this is how want to die, smiling at my own absurdity.  Now when I see a police office grab his service weapon, I get a pleasant rush of adrenaline, and I turn up my surf punk and push the gas pedal all the way down, because I know that I won't be getting speeding ticket for the next 15 minutes.  When the rush of adrenaline goes away, I am afriad of my own shadow, but not death.  Mostly I am afraid of remembering.

Edited December 5, 2012 by theculturewarrior

[Kevin]

I lost my fear of death, which is actually worse than having it.  My University was evacuated twice due to machine gun violence on the other side of the border.  I started whistling the theme to Sanford and Son when I walked to my car at night.  I thought, if I get hit by a stray bullet, this is how want to die, smiling at my own absurdity.  Now when I see a police office grab his service weapon, I get a pleasant rush of adrenaline, and I turn up my surf punk and push the gas pedal all the way down, because I know that I won't be getting speeding ticket for the next 15 minutes.  When the rush of adrenaline goes away, I am afriad of my own shadow, but not death.  Mostly I am afraid of remembering.

 

I'm so sorry for burdening you and everyone else with this. I'm going to try to have courage even though I'm afraid.

 

Also, I really don't think the problem is the academic setting. If anything, this is a very non-academic setting, since all I have to do is write poems - though of late that is harder and harder.

 

Edited December 5, 2012 by Kevin

[theculturewarrior]

I don't feel burdened at all.  I was not trying to say anything judgmental by that.  Just venting.  I am a writer too.  I go where the spirit leads and to hell with the consequences.

 

I get you, man.  You are a kindred spirit.  You may not believe everything I have said, but I have been in your shoes.  Maybe I owe you an apology.  I have been trying to answer a question that haven't asked.  Well, that's just the way I am! 

Edited December 5, 2012 by theculturewarrior

[Kevin]

No, you don't owe me any apology, thank you for your kindness.

 

I think I'm going to just try to relax and clear my head as much as possible (as soon as my pedagogy final on Thursday is over).

[theculturewarrior]

I do mindfulness meditation and it is really nice.  Tao Te Ching says to empty yourself if you want to be full.

[Kevin]

I am starting to feel some relief. What I did was, I went on the websites of some of the most virulent anti-religious bloggers and bathed my heart in their comments section. But all I could feel was anger, real anger at the caricature of religious views presented, or the shallowness of the argumentation, almost all of it based in Logical Positivist fallacies and celebrating how science "works" (how quickly they overlook the failure of the so called "soft" sciences to solve any of the compelling problems of modern life they were supposed to) but theology is just incoherent babble with no measure of rightness or wrongness. The unfairness of it just made my blood boil. In this, I saw that maybe many of my issues were based on the same sort of verificationist thinking about matters. The fact is that ambiguity is everywhere, and at some point you have to make a bet and hope for the best.

,

Also, this is in no way a slight to any of the nonbelievers who commented on this thread, whose points are a much subtler poison.

[theculturewarrior]

I think you belong in a classroom, but not grades K-12.

 

I'm glad you are feeling better.

[Kevin]

I think you belong in a classroom, but not grades K-12.

 

I'm glad you are feeling better.

 

Yeah, I really much prefer teaching at a college level.

 

I may have spoken to soon about feeling better. There really is no easy solution for this issue, and catharsis may be a long time coming. The strange thing is that, in the past, these feelings would be less intense, but their endurance was unbearable. Of late it seems more sporadic.

 

In any case, I am just going to let this thread die, because I am using it as an emotional crutch, and if anyone would care to converse on matter further, please send me a PM.

[4588686]

god is dead but Hasan lives.  Offer a burnt offering to me and all shall be well.  

[Anastasia13]

god is dead but Hasan lives.  Offer a burnt offering to me and all shall be well.  

 

I lit the incense in the corner, but it didn't work. What went wrong?

[4588686]

Careful readers of my column will not that this is an inversion of Abu Baker's rebuke to Umar and the other early followers of Islam who become enraged and accused the messengers of lying when they announced that the Prophet Muhammad had died.  Umar unsheathed his sword and threatened to kill any man who dared say that the Prophet had died.  Abu Bakr comforted Umar and announced to all those watching "To anyone who worshiped Muhammad, know that Muhammad is dead.  But to anyone who worships God, know that God cannot die."

 

How postmodern we have all become :'(