Friends

[emma8201986]

I am several years out of colllege. I have a wide group of both personal and professional friends - some from my childhood; others from the school where I teach, my ski club, etc. I realize that if I enter a religious community, those sisters will be my sisters and my family. I look forward to that, and I understand that for what seems to me very sensible reasons, contact with friends and families is minimized during formation. But my question is whether, after profession, when you are out on mission, you can continue with other friends. I just finished reading the posts on signs of trouble in a religious community and signs of a cult - in both cases, the authors admonishes the reader that problems can arise if the group is too insular and discourages outside friendships. I don't see why an adult woman -even if she is a religious, cannot have other lay friends. If you are on mission teaching in a school and become friendly with someone in the PTA, can she invite you to the movies? Am I obsessing too much? It's just importnat to me that I don't have to lose touch with people who have been importnat in my life. By this, I really mean women friends. I can certainly see issues of continuing relationships with unmarried men.

Em

[PhuturePriest]

Well, this all depends. What community are you entering? Are they Franciscan or something along the lines of that? If so, they would probably not allow you to see a movie because you are supposed to live a life of simplicity. I've never heard of a community not allowing you to be friends with people, but really this depends on the community, what kind it is and what it does. We need more information.

[TheresaThoma]

You most definitely can have friends outside of the community! I am good friends with some Religious (both male and female). I am also friends with a Sister in formation, we exchange letters (no emails though) and whenever I video chat with the community she is allowed to be part of that. I think one just has to be careful that they do not become too dependent on those friendships. Some friendships may naturally fall away over time (just like if you moved away) but some others will remain. (I hope that made sense)

[cmaD2006]

[url="http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/user/15819-emma8201986/"][color="#7c9335"]emma8201986[/color][/url]:

It really does depend on the community. And again -- the warnings about certain communities exists.

The first community I entered -- they had limits with respect to phone calls (I posted about that). BUT -- they can use email, and I am in contact with certain professed sisters via email. (Postulants and Novices are not allowed to use email). They respond frequently.

The second community however completely shut out friends, and even to a certain extent family. Case in point -- I know of a religious sister who let me know after I left that she had sent a letter to me. It was never given to me. Phone calls were frowned upon, and even trying to communicate home was close to impossible. Needless to say that I now know that this community has a number of cult-like characteristics and is unhealthy.

Finally -- there will be limits placed on communication. That's part of religious life. Also -- whether or not you choose to enter a cloistered community vs. an active (or semi-contemplative) community makes a big difference. Cloistered communities by nature will limit communication, because of the enclosure. Again you have to carefully discern to ensure that the community has a healthy attitude towards outside friendships. (It is understandable to ask for detatchment from particular friendships, but like always there is a balance).

[dominicansoul]

It depends on a community's formation. With the Dominicans, you aren't so isolated that you cannot have outside friends. At the same time, I can tell you that your closest friends will become the sisters you live with and serve the church with. Formation does that to you. IT's not that you are told to shrug off the past friendships you have had. It just happens.

I remember we were given one sunday out of the month to write to friends. After being in formation with my sisters for only 3 months, they already meant so much to me! I was more eager to spend that sunday walking with them, playing games with them, spending time with them, or taking that extra time in the chapel... rather than writing letters to my friends outside the convent. It seems this was unanimous, as most of us were finished writing our letters after one hour, and we eagerly ran outside to play soccer, b-ball, sled, or whatever else.

[mantellata]

I would add that having outside friends is one thing - being able to just "go out to the movies" is another. As a member of a religious institute, and with the vow of obedience, your life is governed by the horarium. So there is no just picking up the phone for a girls night out. This is a sacrifice that is accepted as "part of the package" if you will and freely assented to. Personally I would never want to be part of a religious institute that was so lax as to allow it's members to make up their own schedules and live as if they were simply independent entities in the world.

When I was a religious, (since I have a very outgoing nature) I had plenty of people outside my religious community with whom I interacted and had friendships of varying degrees - but my greatest friendships and the place I worked on relationships the most was with my own community. These were the people God had given me to help get to heaven (and who were helping me get to heaven). Much like your family and friend relationships change when you get married (spend holidays with your immediate family and children, not your parents) so to in religious life.

While having friendships outside the community are in no way bad or even say "a temptation" a religious who finds herself spending more time thinking about and being with people outside the community is likely going through a crisis in her own vocation..... it's an indication that her priorities are off. While you are never "married" to your Sisters, for the sake of analogy a religious spending much time and mental energy on "outside friends" raises as much of a red flag as a married woman spending much of her time and energy away from her husband and children "out with the girls".