Telling Friends

[EmilyAnn]

So, none of my friends know I'm discerning. I haven't told anyone outside my family (and Phatmass) yet. I have like zero Catholic friends, so I've got very little to work with. I realised I'd have to tell them eventually, but I've been trying to avoid it as much as I can. After the disastrous reactions of my family I guess I'm just scared. But being in my last year of college people are starting to ask what my plans are for after and I can't be like "I don't know" or awkwardly avoid the question forever. And I've kind of gotten to this point where I feel like I have to start telling people. I feel like I'm ready. I'm not going to be all "hey guess what guys?" but if people ask my plans, I feel I could give the answer.

So I was hoping y'all who have done this already might be able to help me out. What kind of questions did people ask? I know I need to be prepared for a whole tidal wave of responses, I can't really guess how people are going to respond. Any anecdotes/advice/prayers will be very much appreciated.

[Spem in alium]

Only one of my friends knows I'm considering religious life. She's a very good friend and I was unsure as to how to tell her, but in the end I didn't even need to worry about that as she began the discussion for me. I think God had some kind of part to play in that
I am so happy I told her though. My family has been supportive, but friends can just add a whole new level of comfort and encouragement. When we talk she asks me how the situation is going and has given me a lot of strength. She shows she genuinely cares.

The greatest point of advice I can think of is to tell someone you trust. I told her not just because she's one of my closest friends, but because I knew I could trust her to be honest with me. She's not afraid to say something I don't want to hear, and that's very important to me.

The kind of questions I've been asked (by family and this friend) have mainly been about when I first started feeling this way, which order I'm most interested in, etc. Just be honest and open with them. There have been people who have questioned me quite a bit (my sister in particular). When I told her about what I was feeling, she said: "Oh no, you can't become a sister! I'll never be able to see you, talk to you, what about guys and kids, etc...!" It can be hard to hear those sorts of things, but it's important to prepare for them.

I hope this has given you some kind of help. You will be in my prayers.

[EmilyAnn]

[quote name='Spem in alium' timestamp='1351690325' post='2501085']
Only one of my friends knows I'm considering religious life. She's a very good friend and I was unsure as to how to tell her, but in the end I didn't even need to worry about that as she began the discussion for me. I think God had some kind of part to play in that
I am so happy I told her though. My family has been supportive, but friends can just add a whole new level of comfort and encouragement. When we talk she asks me how the situation is going and has given me a lot of strength. She shows she genuinely cares.

The greatest point of advice I can think of is to tell someone you trust. I told her not just because she's one of my closest friends, but because I knew I could trust her to be honest with me. She's not afraid to say something I don't want to hear, and that's very important to me.

The kind of questions I've been asked (by family and this friend) have mainly been about when I first started feeling this way, which order I'm most interested in, etc. Just be honest and open with them. There have been people who have questioned me quite a bit (my sister in particular). When I told her about what I was feeling, she said: "Oh no, you can't become a sister! I'll never be able to see you, talk to you, what about guys and kids, etc...!" It can be hard to hear those sorts of things, but it's important to prepare for them.

I hope this has given you some kind of help. You will be in my prayers.
[/quote]

Thank you so much.

I'm expecting a lot of confusion. I am very worried that my friends will be negative, but you've encouraged me to hope that they may not be as negative as I am thinking they will be. I think my family reactions have just set me up to think the worst.

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1351705314' post='2501227']

Thank you so much.

I'm expecting a lot of confusion. I am very worried that my friends will be negative, but you've encouraged me to hope that they may not be as negative as I am thinking they will be. I think my family reactions have just set me up to think the worst.
[/quote]

No problem. Telling people can be such a hard thing to do, and I'm sorry that your family was less than supportive for you. Trust that God will give you the strength to tell people. And try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Telling my parents when I started contemplating religious life was so difficult for me, partly because I was worried they'd freak out or strongly advise me against it. They were supportive, and that made me realise not only how open and neutral I had to be about things, but how much my expectations could be challenged.
God bless; I hope everything goes well for you.

[EmilyAnn]

[quote name='Spem in alium' timestamp='1351720765' post='2501423']
No problem. Telling people can be such a hard thing to do, and I'm sorry that your family was less than supportive for you. Trust that God will give you the strength to tell people. And try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Telling my parents when I started contemplating religious life was so difficult for me, partly because I was worried they'd freak out or strongly advise me against it. They were supportive, and that made me realise not only how open and neutral I had to be about things, but how much my expectations could be challenged.
God bless; I hope everything goes well for you.
[/quote]

Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it.

[Kateri89]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1351688896' post='2501078']
So, none of my friends know I'm discerning. I haven't told anyone outside my family (and Phatmass) yet. I have like zero Catholic friends, so I've got very little to work with. I realised I'd have to tell them eventually, but I've been trying to avoid it as much as I can. After the disastrous reactions of my family I guess I'm just scared. But being in my last year of college people are starting to ask what my plans are for after and I can't be like "I don't know" or awkwardly avoid the question forever. And I've kind of gotten to this point where I feel like I have to start telling people. I feel like I'm ready. I'm not going to be all "hey guess what guys?" but if people ask my plans, I feel I could give the answer.

So I was hoping y'all who have done this already might be able to help me out. What kind of questions did people ask? I know I need to be prepared for a whole tidal wave of responses, I can't really guess how people are going to respond. Any anecdotes/advice/prayers will be very much appreciated.
[/quote]


Girl, you are NOT alone! I read your post and felt like it could've been something I would've posted. I'm in the EXACT same situation. My family knows and they're not particularly happy about it and just like you said, having mostly non-Catholic friends or nominally Catholic friends makes me wonder how on earth I should tell them. My guess is that most of them will be confused or shocked. Quite honestly, I wonder what this says about me. My faith should be so visible that I wouldn't expect such a reaction but I guess that telling them will definitely make my faith more visible. In any case, it's tremendously comforting to know that there are others in the same boat as me. I'll keep you in my prayers and maybe we can help each other out with advice

[EmilyAnn]

[quote name='SrKateri' timestamp='1351882810' post='2503062']
Girl, you are NOT alone! I read your post and felt like it could've been something I would've posted. I'm in the EXACT same situation. My family knows and they're not particularly happy about it and just like you said, having mostly non-Catholic friends or nominally Catholic friends makes me wonder how on earth I should tell them. My guess is that most of them will be confused or shocked. Quite honestly, I wonder what this says about me. My faith should be so visible that I wouldn't expect such a reaction but I guess that telling them will definitely make my faith more visible. In any case, it's tremendously comforting to know that there are others in the same boat as me. I'll keep you in my prayers and maybe we can help each other out with advice
[/quote]

I'm guessing shocked as well. I'm hoping some of my closer friends who know more about my faith won't be as shocked, but I expect them to still be confused. After all, I'm probably going to be the only person they know who is entering the convent. I mean it's so counter-cultural I expect a lot of the confusion to be about that.

My thought is to start with individuals. I don't want to tell a whole group of people and get overwhelmed with reactions and questions. I can imagine with a lot of people it would just take a few negative words to turn the whole thing sour. I can control the situation with fewer people much easier.

I'll keep you in my prayers also.

[AnneLine]

My experience, actually... and this was in the very early 1980's (so factor in a little culture change) .... was that most people were OK with it.... and the break down was like this:

My FAMILY hated the idea. VERY resistant. Especially my parents and my Catholic relatives. My protestant relatives weren't sure why anyone would do this, but were happy if I was happy.

My Catholic friends who were REALLY Catholic were happy and excited - but not happy that they would have little or not contact with me....

My nominally Catholic friends were REALLY resistant... almost as much as my family. REALLY tried to talk me out of it...

My Christian but not Catholic friends -- were happy for me, but couldn't understand why 'Catholic Ministers' can't marry and can't stay in the communities where they grew up.

My non-Catholic friends for the most part were VERY happy for me -- they didn't udnerstand, but they valued me and realized that it matched my values. For a few who had had bad experiences with nuns and priests, it was a chance to help them work through some bad memories.

My Jewish friends were VERY excited and happy for me... and my Jewish landlord ended up taking my cat when I couldn't find him a home...

Trust the Spirit, Emily... you'll know who to tell and how to tell them... just don't run out ahead of the Spirit....

We'll be praying for you....

[AccountDeleted]

And yesterday a doctor that I visited for the first time (at a clinic I got to) asked me why my medical record showed a visit for a check up for the convent. When I explained that I had been visiting convents with the intention to enter one - his reaction was stunned surprise and the words, 'Why?' I just laughed and said 'Because I like to pray.' He shook his head but didn't pursue the topic.

Of course it might have had something to do with it that his name sounded very Jewish!

[Fr. Antony Maria OSB]

Hi Emily,

Our situations are fairly different, considering I have mostly Catholic friends, but I do remember going through the same spectrum of emotions regarding how to tell people. As has been suggested before, take it slowly and start telling your closest friends first. I prefered to tell a friend one on one, so that we could discuss it if my friend wanted to discuss it.

A question, though: you said that you're wanting to tell people that you're discerning religious life. Are you in or soon going to start applying, or are you still in the discernment stage and not sure which order God is calling you to? The reason I ask is that if it is the latter, you may not want to tell everybody, even though you're a senior in college. Telling a select few close friends would probably be a good thing to do, but if you're really open about it it could make discernment more difficult. I'm saying this from experience. It wasn't negative, but it's kind of hard to really discern God's will when everyone is expecting you to become a priest/nun when you're still not sure if that's what God is calling you to do. Just my 2 cents. Good luck, and know that you will be in my prayers!

[EmilyAnn]

[quote name='AnneLine' timestamp='1351917815' post='2503361']
Trust the Spirit, Emily... you'll know who to tell and how to tell them... just don't run out ahead of the Spirit....

We'll be praying for you....
[/quote]

Thanks. I'm sure the Spirit will tell me when is the right time.


[quote name='nunsense' timestamp='1351920526' post='2503370']
And yesterday a doctor that I visited for the first time (at a clinic I got to) asked me why my medical record showed a visit for a check up for the convent. When I explained that I had been visiting convents with the intention to enter one - his reaction was stunned surprise and the words, 'Why?' I just laughed and said 'Because I like to pray.' He shook his head but didn't pursue the topic.

Of course it might have had something to do with it that his name sounded very Jewish!
[/quote]



[quote name='NazFarmer' timestamp='1351948223' post='2503430']
A question, though: you said that you're wanting to tell people that you're discerning religious life. Are you in or soon going to start applying, or are you still in the discernment stage and not sure which order God is calling you to? The reason I ask is that if it is the latter, you may not want to tell everybody, even though you're a senior in college. Telling a select few close friends would probably be a good thing to do, but if you're really open about it it could make discernment more difficult. I'm saying this from experience. It wasn't negative, but it's kind of hard to really discern God's will when everyone is expecting you to become a priest/nun when you're still not sure if that's what God is calling you to do. Just my 2 cents. Good luck, and know that you will be in my prayers!
[/quote]

I am seriously discerning with a community. I have made my first live-in, they want to me make a second and then I will be applying. Mother has said she is happy for me to apply, they just want to me to make the second live-in so that I can be 100% sure.

[Joan Marie Wandel]

For me its hard talking to my non- catholic friends about discerning and entering. They don't seem to understand, what its like and don't seem to care