Losing A Friend Over Religious Life

[savvy]

How many of you have lost a friend when they came to know about your plans to enter religious life? It took me a lot of courage to tell my best friend, about this. Her response was positive when I told her, but the signals she is sending out tell me that she does not want to keep in touch.

This is sad, but it's made me realize that she was not a real friend to begin with and that I have other friends at church who are supportive, but it still makes me think, How many more people am I going to lose touch with over this, employers, other friends, teachers, relatives etc?

Has this become something so 'uncool" now that people do not want to be associated with it?

[PhuturePriest]

This is nothing new, unfortunately. This has been going on since the first Monk threw on a robe and wandered off into the desert. Thousands of friends and families have been lost due to an individual's religious vocation, and we can only assume it will continue on. Saint Thomas Aquinas' family was so greatly opposed to his vocation that they locked him in a room with a prostitute. Saint Francis lost his father's love and support due to his, and he practically abandoned him. Saint Clare had to run away from her home to enter the religious life. And so on and so forth. It is of course painful, but when we are doing God's will He will always give us the graces and strength to overcome these trials. Just have faith in Him, and He will reward you.

[DiscerningCatholic]

I don't really have anyone I consider to be a best friend, so thankfully, I don't have to worry about that as much.

I think that one reason that a lot of people don't want to be associated with nowadays it simply because they misunderstand it. People think that when you go to the convent, you shrivel up and die, you don't do anything but pray, or you just get old and bitter. And then there's the people who think that nuns are all...well, for lack of a better word...sl*ts. I've heard a lot of people say, "Well, most nuns are all probably gay anyway." Although, in today's society, I don't see why that would be considered "uncool."

Again, this comes from a severe lack of understanding. Try to explain to your friend exactly what religious life is. There are TONS of videos on YouTube focusing on the beauty of religious life, and just do your best to explain exactly what you are doing and why.

I've been getting resistance from my family, but I am continuing to pray for them and to try and explain just what will happen if/when I do enter the religious life.

[Pax_et bonum]

For me, all my friends and peers think it's pretty cool. I haven't had anyone outside of my family react negatively or try to discourage me. Catholics, Protestants, "spiritual but not religious" people have all been supportive and interested, asking lots of questions. Family, on the other hand, I don't know that any of mine support me in becoming a cloistered nun.

[savvy]

Thanks for the advice and consolation FuturePriest and Discerning Catholic. Pax, my friends at church have not reacted negatively. My best friend is not a practising Catholic. She did not react negatively, when I told her more like stunned and now she is just avoiding me. I don't know if she needs time to process or thinks I am nuts.

Your family has a lot more to lose, and this is obviously hard on them, as with all families. They will come around, once they know you are happy.

Edited October 26, 2012 by savvy

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

My extended family reacted negatively, but they also would if I had more than 2 children, so... My immediate family is supportive. My friends are. Some other people at Church of all places attacked it some. Etc. But those same people would attack other life choices I make too. So in my experience, it has depended on the person as a whole.

I'm sorry about your best friend. I feel your pain as I lost my best friend yesterday actually. But it wasn't over the religious life. It was over a really stupid Facebook debate.

Anywho, I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

Edited October 26, 2012 by FutureCarmeliteClaire

[HopefulBride]

Savvy,

It is possible your friend is mourning the perceived loss that will come as a result of your entrance. My sister honestly didn't want to talk about anything religious life related the first year and a half. She would talk to anyone but me and I learned that she felt abandoned by my decision, my best friend also felt the same way. Thankfully the Lord's grace has helped them not only heal through the feeling of abandonment but to turn them into my biggest supporters. My sisters was shopping for me by the time I got my list and she and my best friend are my biggest prayer warriors.

I will keep you and your best friend in my prayers that the Lord heals both your hearts and that the Holy Spirit guides you two through this tough/awkward time.

Pax,
HB

[vee]

Never mind, hb already said what I was basically going to say!!

Edited October 26, 2012 by vee8

[AnneLine]

Yeah, it is kind of a mourning kind of thing. We keep focusing on it from the 'inside' -- the person is so excited and readly to follow Jesus anywhere!!! But, from the outside -- the people we leave behind -- it does feel like they are losing us.

I've been thinking about this a lot... so let me put some of this down in writing.... because I think it may be important....

In some ways, having the separation that religious life requires now may be a new phenomenon. I know what you meant, FP, about this having gone on forever... but that is opposition to the idea as an idea. But the reality is that in the past, most people either stayed around their native village forever and married a local spouse and grew kids up around their family circle.... or they had to move A LONG WAY AWAY, whether they went into a monastery or convent or just married someone in another town... or moved half way across the country or the world. A lot of kids grew up knowing that when they became adults they would have to immigrate or move to a distant location.... It used to be MAYBE you would be able to go home maybe once a year, or even once or twice in your lifetime... regardless of which vocational option one took. So in that sense, the man or woman who chose religious life was not doing anything that was that MUCH different from what everyone did..... and that is generally what the 'vacation' time of many religious communities amounts to -- and a lot of the others (cloistered ones, for example) don't even allow that.

But in the last 50 or 60 years, everything has changed all over the world, and it has kind of speeded-up. Heck, it's changed a lot since the 80's and even in this millenium! So... now when people hear we are thinking about a lifestyle where we might or might not ever come back, where we might or might not be able to email for.... 3 years? Or that we can receive a letter but can't write except to our family more than once or twice a year... well, that's hard for them to swallow.... see what I mean?

So even if someone is happy FOR you, they really are sad for THEMSELVES.... and that's OK. They need to work through that. And as anyone who has ever had to deal with something like telling others bad news -- say, about a serious illness? -- when you make that announcement, you lose people. Sometimes for a while.. sometimes forever. But the person who deals with it and stays in your life, or goes away for a while and then comes back... well, they are really THERE for you, and it doesn't matter how little time or communications you may have... You remain joined despite the communications barriers.

So I will pray for your friend, Savvy... and for those of you whose families and friends aren't as supportive as you might have hoped. Give them time and space, let them know you still love them.... and who knows... they may be back.

[nikita92]

Savvy...it perhaps is their way..of preparing themselves for the separation. Withdrawing...

[emmaberry101]

I have lost friends not directly because of religious life, but more indirectly. They just cannot relate to me in the way that they prefer anymore, so our friendship has come to a 'plateau' on their terms, not mine.

Both hurt you, the discerner, but be sure to remember that your friends are hurting as well. HB and AnneLine really hit the nail on the head concerning the feeling of abandonment that hits those close to you when you tell them. It reminds me of the PCC interviews done by Abby Reese (available under Erased from the Landscape on Amazon/iTunes/etc) where one Sister says, "They (your loved ones) don't understand how missing a family Christmas could make you happy.. It is the love at the Christmas that they want, but we are in love in a different way."

She's really saying that, for your friend, there's nowhere else they'd rather be than with you, and it hurts them to know that it makes you happy to be away from them. They don't understand, and they probably do feel abandoned. I don't have much consolation, except that I've been there, and it hurts. It's easier for me because I lost these friends after my entrance date was set, so I have new Sisters and friends to look forward to, but if you are a long way out from entering, losing friends can be harder on you because you don't have concrete details on what you are looking towards (though, if I remember correctly, you are very close to entering your community! ).

My main advice is to be very patient and peaceable, even if the friend seems like they are abandoning you. Their actions come from a place of deep hurt. Also, Nikita makes a very good point on withdrawing on purpose to prepare themselves. My little sister, who is very close to me, has done this to steel herself for me leaving, and it hurts. Then again, the last thing you want to deny to your loved ones is anything that may help them heal.

Prayers for your situation.

[nikita92]

Brilliantly said AnneLine!!

[TheresaThoma]

Most of my friends are either discerning themselves or highly supportive of my discernment. My family though is a different story. For them religious life is a big unknown so the natural reaction is fear. Fear can cause some people to "run away". Give your friend some time, she may come around once she realizes that you really haven't changed.

[savvy]

Thanks for all your prayers and insights on this issue. Carmelite Claire, perhaps you should apologize to your friend over this, so she knows that it was not serious. Emmaberry, I am not as close as you to entering, (you must be really excited). It will still take me a year.

[InPersonaChriste]

I am fortunate, my best friend is in discernment, and my other friends are not as close. I feel badly for your situation and you are in my prayers.