Extremely Conflicted On Major Life Decision.

[LadyOfSorrows]

So I don't post on here much but I decided to today because all of my feelings are just welling up and I am in serious need of prayer.

I started dating someone a year and a half ago and I haven't been able to shake my feelings for religious life. They come and go but when they come I feel is SO strongly. I try to push them away but it doesn't do anything because they take over my dreams too. (Being at the altar but unable to say yes is reoccurring quite often). But I just love my boyfriend so much and he really is my best friend. I've gotten to the point where I just strongly dislike talking about vocation, discernment, etc. I have a spiritual director and he is helpful, but I just can't stand days (like today, especially), when I just mope around fantasizing about giving myself to the Lord in that way. It ruins my entire day. I become reclusive and don't even want to go to Mass because I just feel like I'm going to fall apart. I know I don't have to make a decision now, and it's comforting, but I just feel awful when this kind of thing comes up.

We have started talking about marriage, and I truly desire it. But then i'll feel a sudden pain in my heart and I just don't know what to do. I need prayers because honestly, I don't know how to pray for this intention myself. It hurts to pray. If you would like to message me, if you have any advice or have been in this dilemma as well, I would appreciate it,...

Thank you.