Random Discernment Rant.

[Catholicterp7]

I really wish we still had a rant on/rant off emoticon. (you can't say I didn't warn you!)
So in August I graduated from the American Sign Language Program at the local community college. I had been under the impression that in order to take the state certification test (AKA the BEI) you need an associates degree so I planned on taking the educational interpreting certification test (AKA EIPA) which enables you to interpret in the schools, however that test is very expensive and I didn't have the money so I planned to wait until after graduation so I could get some money back from the state. On the last day of summer semester I was talking with my teacher and she informed me that in fact I don't need a degree for the state test as they have not yet made the change in the law official. I decided to save a bunch of money and sign up for the BEI. There are two portions of the test, I took and passed the first part about a month ago and am taking the second part in one week.
In Sept. I met with my spiritual director and was telling him about a community in TX that works with the Deaf. He said to me "I don't doubt that working with the Deaf is your vocation but don't confuse your ministerial vocation and your state in life vocation." That was really convicting for me and I realized that I had, for the past three years, been discerning based on what I wanted to do with my life and not really at all on the actual spiritual life of the various communities. I also realized that as much as I love Sign and the Deaf/DeafBlind communities being an interpreter isn't really what I want to do with my life. It was hard to put into words exactly what happened but I finally was able, through His grace alone, to surrender and say to Him "okay, if you want me in TX working with/for the Deaf I'll go but if you want me in a community that has nothing to do with the Deaf and I never sign again, thank you for the amazing two years I had in the Deaf community" Around that same time I discovered the Children of Mary.
I won't go into the whole story right now because this post is already getting too long but in senior year of high school I started feeling lead to discern the possibility of at some point in my life co-founding a religious community. Over the past few years since I've been given a pretty clear vision of what this theoretical community in my head, that I was never really sure would happen, would look like. When I read the website of the Children of Mary it almost exactly matches what I wrote during high school about this community I thought didn't exist. So I'm obviously feeling very drawn to the Children of Mary and also in being done with college and having experienced what I did in the past year I feel that I'm in a much better place spiritually, physically and emotionally. Really since graduating I've had this inexplicable feeling of "something in regards to my state-in-life vocation is going to happen much sooner than I think." Now, who knows what that means because I had given up on trying to figure out when it's going to happen but the feeling is there. I spoke with one of the Children of Mary and we got to the point where she said "so the next step is for you to come and visit" which I would love to do but haven't worked in over a year and have been trying for months to find a job with no luck and so have no money to get there.
I feel like I'm in this really awkward not doing anything time in my life and I feel like my life has no point right now. I'm pursuing interpreting because it's what I know how to do and I do love doing it but it takes three months from the time I test to the time I get my results. Plus it's very rare for a recent graduate to pass the BEI the first time they take it. I know personally some very skilled interpreters who had to take it twice.
So what prompted this insanely long rant tonight is that I had dinner with one of my interpreter friends who took her BEI last month so I could pick her brain about it. During dinner she asked me "so what are your plans?" and I had no answer and I hate not having a plan or a purpose for my life. I know there's one there, I just don't know what it is right now. I also know that God is using this time somehow but I just wish I could see how.
Anyway I need to get to bed so consider my rant done for now. Thanks for reading all that.
JMJ+

[Mary's Child]

I'll pray for you CT Im in much the same place

[savvy]

Catholicterp7,

I know what it's like to be stuck. I have had a lot of time doing that in my discernment. Patience is hard when you really want an answer and a goal to work towards. I am waiting for a response from my community too. A vocation is not a career, but God will find a way to use whatever skills you have. Keep praying, and be hopeful. God has a plan for you and God's time is the best time.