For Strength

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

I just need to keep going. I just want to keep going. But it seems so unrealistic. So far off. I feel so alone. Because I am.

I lost 5 months of my life that I can never get back. I am a victim of a potentially fatal illness and a victim of someone's negligence. Yes, I'm still alive, but I had my life stolen from me in another way. In a way that I can't get back. These five months were not fulfilling and not worth it. If I could change it, I would, but I can't. That's what's killing me inside. If I could change it, I would have been able to go on that mission trip, and visit Carmel, and go to the youth conference, and much more that I can't change. No matter how you slice and dice it, these have been 5 months of hell.

I had anxiety issues before now, but now I have issues that have stemmed from the overall experience of my summer and fall. Things start replaying in my head and I can't stop it. Things trigger emotional reactions even if it's just a smell or looking at the bruises and scars from the IVs in my arm. I don't want to leave the house let alone get out of bed. I have to, though.

Just one of those days where I'm wondering if being alive is really worth it. Please pray for me.

~ Claire