College

[ChristinaTherese]

So, lately I've been feeling really unsure as to why I'm at college at all. I mean, I love my friends, some of my professors, and some of my classes, but what I'm studying has absolutely no relevance for the rest of my life. I don't want to be a chemist, doctor, vet, etc. I want to be a cloistered nun. It's really been eating at me for the last week (about as long as I've been back) when I haven't had work to do. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is God's way of throwing a brick at me and saying that I should maybe do something again. (Our hearts are restless until they rest in You! (St. Augustine, in the beginning of the Confessions)) The trouble is, what? I'm thinking I should contact a community, but I don't know what to say. I spent a good while pretending that I couldn't possibly know I was called before being properly Catholic, but that doesn't seem to be the case in reality. (My brother refused to be "able to read" for a year or so because he "was too young.") I thought that I should go through college, but it seems to be extremely unnecessary and I've been wondering what I'm doing here for a long time.

So, I guess this is a really discombobulated post.... Does anyone have any advice/comment or is what I wrote incomprehensible? Please pray for me... I need it.



Christina

[Quaesivi Vultuum Tuum]

One time, a priest says to me that we never knows what God ask to make!
To explain, even if you are call to cloistered life, the non religious knowledge may be useful for your future community. In more, your knowledge is a gage of liberty: if one time your are doubt about your vocation, you may be sure that you stay in the community because it's a God call and not because you can make nothing else!
I understand that the time is long and study not ever interesting but God's'time is not our Time!
By exemple, I have a master degree in bank management, I know that I never work in financial market, but my knowledge can help my community by exemple in accountance!

[emmaberry101]

I left college because God had impressed upon me that his call was urgent, and most wise superiors will tell you that an urgent call demands an urgent answer. I didn't have a community yet.

However, I wouldn't advise this course of action, as there is a very high likelihood that someone may leave school and sit at home without direction. Also, depending on where you are in life and what community you are drawn to, the call may be less urgent, as it may include getting a degree, or in the case of marriage, meeting the right person. These things take more time.

If you think God is calling you out of school, go. If what you are experiencing is more uncertainy or impatience (not trying to rag on you! I think all discerners really desire to just 'get to the good stuff,' so we are all impatient in that sense. ), then I would advise you to stay where you are.

A discerning friend from college was very supportive when I decided to 'take a year off for discernment,' but said that she needs the four years of school to discern. Her call is more relaxed, and she feels no urgency to go [i]now[/i]. I think staying in school will be so beneficial for her future vocation!

Another criterion you may already be thinking about concerning college and the cloister is the expense of college. I was blessed to have my parents pay for my school, so I had no 'debt' to think about while discerning. If you are paying for your own school and do decide to finish school, you will probably have to wait a couple years to pay off your debt, or if you apply to a debt-relief fund, it may look more like a year. Still, if that urgency is there, this will draw out the waiting process even longer.

Take a lot of time to be with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, and pray frequently about this somewhat time-sensitive issue. God doesn't always meet our deadlines, but He always answers our prayers in His time, so He will address your dilemma in answered prayer, whether it be today, tomorrow, or a year from now. Many prayers, as I can identify with some of what you may be going through with this.

[LaPetiteSoeur]

There is a fantastic book called [i]A Right to Be Merry [/i]written by a Poor Clare about her experiences. She had gone to college and studied French, and thought when she entered she'd never have to use it. Turns out, she was asked to tutor a mission sister in French so the sister could go to Africa and serve there! She said she had thought her education was worthless, but turns out God used her education even in the cloister.

I thought about not going to university for a long time and really really really wanted to be a sister right out of high school. University has deepened my faith because I was forced to question everything, gave me not one but TWO wonderful spiritual directors, educated me about poverty, and helped me to realize that I am not called to be a Nashville Dominican but a Franciscan sister. I realized God was calling me to a life of teaching and working with the poor; this call may have come if I had entered religious life, but because of my education, I will be able to effectively work with poor students, educate others about Catholic Social Teaching, and follow God's will in my life.

If you do not already have a spiritual director, I suggest you find one. They are incredibly helpful, and without mine I would be lost. Spend time in prayer and at Mass. I'll be praying for you!

[EmilyAnn]

I felt a lot like that last year. I went through my first semester and the feeling just got worse. In the end I made the decision to leave. Not permanently, but I was able to take a study break for a semester. I was in what should have been my final year and my looming graduation was too much for me while discerning so taking the time out was what was best for me. I knew in my heart that leaving was not the right decision for me, but taking a break was what I needed. Personally, I think taking a break is the better option to leaving if that's the way you're inclined that way. One thing I will point out is that logistically, if you have not yet been received into the Church then you would have to wait before you could enter regardless. I believe the norm is about 2 years, so that is something to remember.

[TheresaThoma]

(I felt like I was talking to myself when I read your post! )
Anyways there isn't really any solid answer on which way to go. In my experience I was able to go part time and just slow down and re-evaluate what I wanted and where I was going. This really helped me and in that time I started to contact communities. As a result I found the community that I hope will be my future community.
If you can finish your degree without going into debt than it is good to do so. I have personally gone back and forth on finishing versus not. A good Dominican priest friend told me that having a degree allows you to freely discern once you enter. You don't feel like if you left you wouldn't have anything that you can do. The VD of the community I'm discerning with has also encouraged me to finish my degree.Right now I consider finishing my degree as part of being obedient to my (God willing) future superiors. I'm a convert (it sounds like you are one too) so I have to wait a couple of years and it turns out those couple of years are exactly the amount of time I need to finish my degree. Timing is always a consideration. If you haven't found a community or they community wants you to wait continuing in college can be a great use of that "waiting time"

I guess my overall answer is if you are feeling overwhelmed then slow down or take a break and really discern. Contact some communities and see were things go from there. When you have a particular community you are seriously discerning with then that can help determine things like if you should finish your degree.

Prayers for you!

[Catholicterp7]

Wow Christina, I feel pretty much the same exact way only I'm done with college and starting my career.
I agree with everything that's been said. One thing that's helping me is to offer up my waiting for a priest as I feel very strongly called to be a spiritual mother for priests. I would encourage you to seek God as to what you can offer up your waiting for. But as Emmaberry said if God is calling you don't wait. I'll be praying for you!
JMJ+

[ChristinaTherese]

Thank you all for your comments. I never thought about having a degree as giving freedom for discernment before, just as something my parents wanted me to do "because it might be useful" if, say, I decided to go back to school for something (That's a nice idea, Mom... do you know what a cloister is?) or as a way to get away from home and get more freedom from parents who are not supportive of my brother and me becoming Catholic [i]at all[/i].

And I was praying shortly after I wrote this (NB: Don't write things, angsty or otherwise, when you've missed your proper prayer times. Stop, pray, and then write if you still need to. That said, it's good that I asked because a) that put my heart in the right place to listen and b) I got all of your lovely replies.) and realized that, yes, it seems really painful to wait until I'm something like twenty two (I'm only almost nineteen and that feels like a very long time.) but I'm still young and have very much growth to do spiritually. I've learned [i]a lot[/i] this last year, but I still have very far to go. I fall into the trap of pride too easily... more time will not be wasted. And in the mean time, one series of classes that I have is [i]very[/i] good, and is teaching me a lot about general history and various disciplines of study and such things. (And I'm kind of hoping that I can be a comfort to the Catholic freshmen that I know just in the general way of not feeling totally alone as Catholics on campus, because I know that I felt really alone and would have liked to have a friend who was Catholic. (Okay, okay, I'm not Catholic yet... I keep forgetting that, and it doesn't make that much difference... except for sacraments.... (I want a certain three sacraments! I want a certain three sacraments! Father, when will you get back to me about these certain three sacraments? I want pertinent sacraments!))) But, yes, as much as I dislike this I've kind of been forced to realize that waiting will be good for me, for wait I must. It reminds me of a quote that my brother sent me:
[quote]It's good for you to go through difficult times now and again, and to have your will thwarted.[/quote] It's from [i]The Imitation of Christ[/i], book 1, chapter 12.

And, yes, Mass, Adoration, and just generally prayer are my life blood.... (Funny thing: One Thursday this summer I was at Mass and just repeating over and over, "I want to receive You. I want to receive You. I want to receive You." and then during the rosary after Mass I was called on to lead the final luminous mystery, which is the giving of the Eucharist. )

[TheresaThoma]

Are you in an RCIA program right now? They can be an incredible source of support both in your journey to come into the Church and in your vocation. For me the RCIA group at my parish has become a family to me. (I went through the program myself and I am now back as a sponsor. )
A Saint you might want to read up on is St Teresa Benedicta of the Cross. AKA St Edith Stein. Even though she was ready to enter Carmel right after her conversion (1922) her SD though didn't allow her to because of what she was doing in the academic world. It wasn't until 1933 that she was allowed to enter. Whenever I get frustrated about having to wait I think of her and ask her to pray for me.
The other thing that has helped me is I know the only reason I'm not in religious life now is God has something He needs me to do "in the world"! I pray that He will show me what that is and I trust that when that task is complete I will enter.

[ChristinaTherese]

Replying to TheresaThoma for the whole post:

I'm currently waiting for Father about RCIA.... My parish is small enough that I don't think there even [i]is[/i] a set RCIA program that happens every year. It seems to be much more dependent on the individual person and their circumstances. Because of that, I'm waiting while Father checks about my baptism. (It should be fine. After all, my brother's was and he was baptized mere minutes after me....)

I was reading yesterday and ran across a quote that made me think of what you said here:
[quote]If, on the other hand, I am to go on living in the flesh, that means productive toil for me—and I do not know which to prefer. I am strongly attracted by both: I long to be freed from this life and to be with Christ, for that is the far better thing; yet it is more urgent that I remain alive for your sakes. [Philippians 1:22-24 (I think that's the reference....)][/quote]

Hm.... Maybe I'll see if I can find anything about her. We might have a parish library by now and it might have books in English, so that might be a good place to look. Or the school library... it had [i]Story of a Soul[/i], so it might have something....