Random Questions.

[Spem in alium]

Just something I wanted to run by you all. It may sound really immature, but I need some advice.

There's this guy...
I met him at the end of my first year in university, but we only became friends last year. We've taken the same classes pretty much every semester, and he's become a good friend. I've met his family and spent time with him outside of class, and I can see that he's a good person with strong morals (he's Catholic too). I feel as though God brought us together for a special reason.

Well, I have feelings for him, and since last year he's given me reason to think that he feels the same way. It's kind of throwing a spanner in the works in regards to my discernment. I've told a few people about it, and they encouraged me to tell him before I left on my exchange trip.

I was never set on telling him because I didn't want to ruin things between us, I didn't see the point of doing anything before I left for four months, and I read in one of Jason Evert's books (plus heard from a few people) that if a guy likes you, generally he will pursue you.

When I last saw him, he told me that I mean more to him than I can imagine. That blew me away, mostly because I wasn't expecting him to say anything like that to me. He is very kind and does give me compliments, but they're not really anything to that extent. I came to the US thinking that I should just give it time and see if things clear up or become more certain, but I think now I feel even more strongly about him than I did before.

Do you think I was right in not saying anything? Should I say something when I get back? Or should I leave him to pursue me if he is interested? And if I should let him pursue me, how do I show him I'm interested? I probably don't do the best job of that.

[Basilisa Marie]

Look, it sounds to me that "I mean more to him than I can imagine" is a huge clue. If it were me, I'd cut to the chase and ask him out. Or ask him about his feelings. Just waiting for a guy to "pursue" you often just ends up with you doing a whole lot of waiting. I never have the patience for any of that.

[Slappo]

Keep in touch with him during your year away, write him a letter or send him an e-mail just to let him know you've been thinking of him. That will definitely let him know that he didn't scare you away with making the bold statement that he made before you left .

[Anomaly]

Often, when people say little in order to not say too much, they say to little and give the wrong impression. Talk to him and tell him you may be interested in a relationship, but you are still discerning as well. Youre interested in seeing if things may develop and you want to know how he feels about that. Not telling him the big picture is like lieing by omission.

Edited September 17, 2012 by Anomaly

[Spem in alium]

Thanks everyone!

[quote name='Basilisa Marie' timestamp='1347848265' post='2483181']
Look, it sounds to me that "I mean more to him than I can imagine" is a huge clue. If it were me, I'd cut to the chase and ask him out. Or ask him about his feelings. Just waiting for a guy to "pursue" you often just ends up with you doing a whole lot of waiting. I never have the patience for any of that.
[/quote]

That's what I thought also, but wasn't entirely sure. What would be the best way of talking to him? What would I say? I've never dated, which he knows. I've never asked anyone out either, and don't want to make a giant mess of it. If I do say anything I'd want to do it in person, so that means waiting until next year.

[quote name='Slappo' timestamp='1347850750' post='2483193']
Keep in touch with him during your year away, write him a letter or send him an e-mail just to let him know you've been thinking of him. That will definitely let him know that he didn't scare you away with making the bold statement that he made before you left .
[/quote]

I'm only here for a semester, so it's not too bad I did send him an email yesterday congratulating him on something, and he said he wants to Skype sometime.

[quote name='Anomaly' timestamp='1347877405' post='2483241']
Often, when people say little in order to not say too much, they say to little and give the wrong impression. Talk to him and tell him you may be interested in a relationship, but you are still discerning as well. Youre interested in seeing if things may develop and you want to know how he feels about that. Not telling him the big picture is like lieing by omission.
[/quote]

You're right. My discernment had pretty much been on the rocks, and this just complicates it a bit more. I don't see the point in hiding that from him...my main issue is that I have no idea how to even communicate this.

[arfink]

[quote name='Spem in alium' timestamp='1347879910' post='2483250']
Thanks everyone!



That's what I thought also, but wasn't entirely sure. What would be the best way of talking to him? What would I say? I've never dated, which he knows. I've never asked anyone out either, and don't want to make a giant mess of it. If I do say anything I'd want to do it in person, so that means waiting until next year.



I'm only here for a semester, so it's not too bad I did send him an email yesterday congratulating him on something, and he said he wants to Skype sometime.



You're right. My discernment had pretty much been on the rocks, and this just complicates it a bit more. I don't see the point in hiding that from him...my main issue is that I have no idea how to even communicate this.
[/quote]

Well, first thing's first: take him up on the Skype thing.

[Papist]

I'd keep in touch with him while you are away. Before you asking him out, give him a chance to do the asking. Hint about getting together for to do something that you both are interested in. Best time to do that is when that mutual interest comes up in conversation. For example, you two are talking about Adoration and how much you both like it. Just say, "hey, we should go do that sometime". Or if you both love pizza, you just say, "hey, we should go get some NY Style pizza sometime". Usually, the man likes to be the one to doing the asking. If he does not take the initiative, then I think you can. You can do it in a not so formal asking out on a date. Just call him up and say, "hey, I am going out for some pizza and then Adoration. Do you want to join me?".
Good luck and God bless you. Be good.

[Basilisa Marie]

Definitely take up the Skype offer. Start out by just talking, reconnecting as friends. Skype is so much better than talking on the phone, because you can actually see and react to his facial expressions. Then when it feels right, do what Anomaly said.

[Papist]

Nothing beats a handwritten letter.

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='arfink' timestamp='1347888653' post='2483277']
Well, first thing's first: take him up on the Skype thing.
[/quote]

Yeah, I really want to Skype him because then I'll actually get to see him. It's a bit difficult to navigate with time differences (I'm free to Skype early morning, midday or late night Aus time), and with uni it might make things harder. He told me before I left that he rarely uses Skype, but with me he'll "make an exception". The romantic girl in me was kind of like: I'll shoot him an email and plan something with him.

[quote name='Papist' timestamp='1347891304' post='2483281']
I'd keep in touch with him while you are away. Before you asking him out, give him a chance to do the asking. Hint about getting together for to do something that you both are interested in. Best time to do that is when that mutual interest comes up in conversation. For example, you two are talking about Adoration and how much you both like it. Just say, "hey, we should go do that sometime". Or if you both love pizza, you just say, "hey, we should go get some NY Style pizza sometime". Usually, the man likes to be the one to doing the asking. If he does not take the initiative, then I think you can. You can do it in a not so formal asking out on a date. Just call him up and say, "hey, I am going out for some pizza and then Adoration. Do you want to join me?".
Good luck and God bless you. Be good.
[/quote]

That's a great idea. I'll try that. He has asked me to the movies (not as a date, with his family and a few friends) so I know he likes doing that kind of thing. And when I was at uni in Aus I saw him at Mass most days.
Thanks for the blessing. I'm following God's plan for me...hopefully!

[quote name='Basilisa Marie' timestamp='1347894014' post='2483296']
Definitely take up the Skype offer. Start out by just talking, reconnecting as friends. Skype is so much better than talking on the phone, because you can actually see and react to his facial expressions. Then when it feels right, do what Anomaly said.
[/quote]

I will try it when I next speak with him.

[quote name='Papist' timestamp='1347894829' post='2483300']
Nothing beats a handwritten letter.
[/quote]

I love handwriting letters and cards! I send them all the time - I've even sent him a couple of cards for Christmas, birthdays and thank-yous. Sometimes I worry that it might be too much for him, but there's really nothing like a card or a letter. Plus, going by how awkward I can be around him, writing some stuff down is probably better than saying it

Edited September 17, 2012 by Spem in alium

[Archaeology cat]

My only advice is to give my own experience. My last semester at uni, I became very attracted to a good friend. I hoped he felt the same way, but I wasn't sure (we're both introverts). I graduated in December, and when I left uni, I missed him. I knew that I needed to know for sure, so I emailed him. We just chatted over email, nothing big, but we became closer that way. When I went back up to visit friends, we went out for a casual thing, and he ended up asking me out.

S my advice: write, take him up on the Skype thing. Since he said you mean a lot to him, let him know that he means a lot to you, too, and go from there. And, of course, pray.

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='Archaeology cat' timestamp='1347896413' post='2483315']
My only advice is to give my own experience. My last semester at uni, I became very attracted to a good friend. I hoped he felt the same way, but I wasn't sure (we're both introverts). I graduated in December, and when I left uni, I missed him. I knew that I needed to know for sure, so I emailed him. We just chatted over email, nothing big, but we became closer that way. When I went back up to visit friends, we went out for a casual thing, and he ended up asking me out.

S my advice: write, take him up on the Skype thing. Since he said you mean a lot to him, let him know that he means a lot to you, too, and go from there. And, of course, pray.
[/quote]

Thanks I got some postcards the other day, so I'll send him one. Something I was kind of worried about coming here was that I'd lose contact with him or that our friendship would suffer, and I'm trying hard to make sure that this doesn't happen.

I'm just wondering though, and just wanted to put a general question out there...what are some good ways of showing how much he means to me? Normally to show someone I care about them, I'll do something for them, give them something special or just tell them how I feel. But being overseas, my options are limited...and plus, I'm really clueless when it comes to this.