Different Values From Parents

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='add' timestamp='1347848271' post='2483182']
REALLY! that's why you need your own place?
[/quote]
It's an aspect of it (the inner response, not the organization). There is something to be said with not basing what you do with your life around other people but rather asking what is good for you and doing that. To use an analogy, there comes a time in life when we stop eating our vegetables because our parents say we should and start eating them more than before because we have learned that they are healthy for us.

Edited September 17, 2012 by Light and Truth

[Anomaly]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1347865205' post='2483237']
It's an aspect of it (the inner response, not the organization). There is something to be said with not basing what you do with your life around other people but rather asking what is good for you and doing that. To use an analogy, [b]there comes a time in life when we stop eating our vegetables because our parents say we should and start eating them more than before because we have learned that they are healthy for us.[/b]
[/quote]Think about that analogy Maybe my understanding of what you wrote is flawed, but I got the impression that you would stop eating vegetables because the motivation is only your parents instructions and you aren't self motivated to eat them because they're healthy. You don't want to do what others want you to do unless you are self motivated to do it.. It may not be your intent, but that comes off as an extremelty immature and childish reaction. There comes a point in life that you continue to eat your vegetables because you realize that your parents were right, (they're healthy for you and your parents care about your welfare). As we mature, we do things out of respect instead of obedience even though outwardly we seem to be behaving exactly the same.

If your parents want you to clean their room, they're askig for a bit of respect because you are living in their house. They also want the best for you and think it will help. It doesn't have to be a constant battle of wills and you establishing your 'independence'. You're stilling living at home, that's not particularly independent so a good bit of respectful compromise is called for on your end.

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='Anomaly' timestamp='1347887113' post='2483268']
Think about that analogy Maybe my understanding of what you wrote is flawed, but I got the impression that you would stop eating vegetables because the motivation is only your parents instructions and you aren't self motivated to eat them because they're healthy. You don't want to do what others want you to do unless you are self motivated to do it.. It may not be your intent, but that comes off as an extremelty immature and childish reaction. There comes a point in life that you continue to eat your vegetables because you realize that your parents were right, (they're healthy for you and your parents care about your welfare). As we mature, we do things out of respect instead of obedience even though outwardly we seem to be behaving exactly the same.

If your parents want you to clean their room, they're askig for a bit of respect because you are living in their house. They also want the best for you and think it will help. It doesn't have to be a constant battle of wills and you establishing your 'independence'. You're stilling living at home, that's not particularly independent so a good bit of respectful compromise is called for on your end.
[/quote]
Your understanding is flawed. I have started eating [i]more vegetables[/i] this year [i]because it is healthier/better for me, [/i]both literally and figuratively. I am far from perfect in my efforts this year, but I am trying, and it's not for them half as it is for other reasons, like getting the life I want, being the person I want to be, and taking care of myself.

Edited September 17, 2012 by Light and Truth

[hotpink]

So yeah,

My post just got eaten. But my whole point was that Light has some good reasons. Many times parents who pull the "my house, my rules" then get mad if their child moves away.

Having a clean room is something that not all people care about, and then you have standards of cleaning. Some people want a better homes catalog...others just want stuff off the floor. Either way, moving out is a good idea. You get to grow up in your own way, beucase you will fall and fail....the first time you loose your keys in the mess, or have someone important come over, etc.

[add]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1347865205' post='2483237']
It's an aspect of it (the inner response, not the organization). There is something to be said with not basing what you do with your life around other people but rather asking what is good for you and doing that. To use an analogy, there comes a time in life when we stop eating our vegetables because our parents say we should and start eating them more than before because we have learned that they are healthy for us.
[/quote]
i like peas and carrots

[sixpence]

I know someone who lives at home (27) because it is a little cheaper and he can help them with the bills, and I think because he likes having someone cook for him and do his laundry. I do not know how he can stand it at all. They are the type that want their home to appear as if no one lives in it. They also get very emotional if he talks about moving out.

When I go home to visit, I just do what they want. Nevertheless, drama ensues at the drop of a hat.

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='add' timestamp='1347755609' post='2482823']
Your parents know you better than you know yourself, they taught you to walk, speak, wipe your bottom and how to tie your shoelaces. You will know no other greater friend.
They may even love you!
[/quote]
I may know no better friend, but friends do not always know everything. Because one of them misunderstood something I was asking, and I did not question enough, I did not apply to several jobs, and I just found out today that one person who might have been involved in selecting who gets those positions still remembers me several years later. That position could have changed the course of my life, probably for the better.

Edited September 23, 2012 by Light and Truth

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1347682100' post='2482580']
If you live with or lived with your parents while you were an adult with somewhat differing values and lifestyle desires yet were expected to participate in their dinner plans most of the time and needed to keep the peace in general, how do/did you cope? What advice would you offer on asserting who you want to be while maintaining the relationship and the respect that was expected?
[/quote]
I still have one child at home, and one who recently moved out, so I answer as a parent.
Its my house, so be respectful of that fact Your stuff is yours and doesn't belong on my floor or furniture. Your hours are your own and I am not your alarm clock. . Your opinions on the state of the world are yours and do not have be mine, be respect the ones I have. I am not your maid, your laundress, or your cook unless I[i] offer . [/i]If I do cook, offer to do the dishes etc. You are quite capable of cooking, cleaning and helping maintain this house - I am NOT getting any younger, and you really do need to learn this stuff before you move out so you don't call panicking at 3am with a water leak and don't know how to turn it off. I will try to remember you are over 12, if you try to remember to act like it.

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='cmotherofpirl' timestamp='1348416312' post='2485687']
I still have one child at home, and one who recently moved out, so I answer as a parent.
Its my house, so be respectful of that fact Your stuff is yours and doesn't belong on my floor or furniture. Your hours are your own and I am not your alarm clock. . Your opinions on the state of the world are yours and do not have be mine, be respect the ones I have. I am not your maid, your laundress, or your cook unless I[i] offer . [/i]If I do cook, offer to do the dishes etc. You are quite capable of cooking, cleaning and helping maintain this house - I am NOT getting any younger, and you really do need to learn this stuff before you move out so you don't call panicking at 3am with a water leak and don't know how to turn it off. I will try to remember you are over 12, if you try to remember to act like it.
[/quote]
Parents act like alarm clocks after 8 years old? Whole families actually talk about the state of world and completely disagree? People don't normally start doing their laundry by high school? That water leak solution, it's somewhere to the side of the toilet isn't it? If it is... uh... from the dishwasher... and very very foamy... that may have been the wrong soap I... uh... put in that one time... and cleaned in the middle of the night myself...

How far in advance do you want them to tell you if they will not be home to eat your regularly scheduled daily cooking? 2 days? 3? A week?

If they cook, why do they have to cook for you according to your menu and still be nice and clean or pay for things themselves if they want to prepare something different and do so for everyone?

Edited September 23, 2012 by Light and Truth

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1348418824' post='2485696']
Parents act like alarm clocks after 8 years old? Whole families actually talk about the state of world and completely disagree? People don't normally start doing their laundry by high school? That water leak solution, it's somewhere to the side of the toilet isn't it? If it is... uh... from the dishwasher... and very very foamy... that may have been the wrong soap I... uh... put in that one time... and cleaned in the middle of the night myself...

How far in advance do you want them to tell you if they will not be home to eat your regularly scheduled daily cooking? 2 days? 3? A week?

If they cook, why do they have to cook for you according to your menu and still be nice and clean or pay for things themselves if they want to prepare something different and do so for everyone?
[/quote]
Remember I had sons :D .Yes many parents are expected to be alarm clocks after the age of 8 My children and I do have differing opinions on the state of the world and we do discuss politics, religion, economics, pop culture, literature etc all the time when we are together. Sometimes we go pull out reference material to back up our statements.
And the water solution could be the main line in the basement, so you better know where the proper wrench is to turn it off You should also know how to reset electrical breakers
. As for supper, a heads up on your way out the door is sufficient. If I am here by myself I cook for myself, when they come home, they can fix whatever they want. If they cook, they choose what they want to eat and if I don't have it, they go purchase it. If they decide to make supper, I expect them to ask if I want to eat with them, after all I have been feeding them for over 25 years. I pay the household bills but they live here and are expected to buy some of the food, after all they eat most of it. If they bring someone to my home, I expect to be introduced, and I expect them to be courteous to my company as well. As a general rule I know where they are and they know where I am at all times, but that is just common sense.To be treated as an adult in this world, you must first act like one.

[add]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1348390098' post='2485639']
I may know no better friend, but friends do not always know everything. Because one of them misunderstood something I was asking, and I did not question enough, I did not apply to several jobs, and I just found out today that one person who might have been involved in selecting who gets those positions still remembers me several years later. That position could have changed the course of my life, probably for the better.
[/quote]
whose fault is that?

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='cmotherofpirl' timestamp='1348423311' post='2485708']
Remember I had sons :D .Yes many parents are expected to be alarm clocks after the age of 8 My children and I do have differing opinions on the state of the world and we do discuss politics, religion, economics, pop culture, literature etc all the time when we are together. Sometimes we go pull out reference material to back up our statements.
And the water solution could be the main line in the basement, so you better know where the proper wrench is to turn it off You should also know how to reset electrical breakers.[/QUOTE]
My parents are not my alarm clocks. We usually eat in front of the TV, watching whatever before my brother and I do the dishes and go do what we want or watch what we (or at least I) like. We don't have basements here, and I will probably rent an apartment before I have a house. I buy some of my own food, all of my gas, medical expenses, all personal expenses above an occasional 99 cent item and toothpaste, offer to help when someone is not well or needs something from time to time, etc.

[quote name='cmotherofpirl' timestamp='1348423311' post='2485708'] As for supper, a heads up on your way out the door is sufficient. If I am here by myself I cook for myself, when they come home, they can fix whatever they want. If they cook, they choose what they want to eat and if I don't have it, they go purchase it. If they decide to make supper, I expect them to ask if I want to eat with them, after all I have been feeding them for over 25 years. I pay the household bills but they live here and are expected to buy some of the food, after all they eat most of it. If they bring someone to my home, I expect to be introduced, and I expect them to be courteous to my company as well. As a general rule I know where they are and they know where I am at all times, but that is just common sense.To be treated as an adult in this world, you must first act like one.[/quote]
Heads up on the way out is typically unheard of in my home. We are supposed to tell parents in advance so they know how much to cook/thaw for. It's appreciated if they know AT LEAST A DAY IN ADVANCE if we are out for dinner. It's best to tell them several days, maybe the weekend prior to so they know how to shop.

How in the world do they get away with telling you they won't be home for dinner on their way out? Sometimes I wish I could do this, but I also need to be respectful too.

This is more valuable information that lecturing me about being an adult. I'm not as adult as I am becoming, but I am more adult that a couple replies here seem to think, yet I still have to deal with living at home. How do I do this?

Edited September 23, 2012 by Light and Truth

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='add' timestamp='1348429256' post='2485741']
whose fault is that?
[/quote]
And that is why I need to be free to live my own life, even if it doesn't seem like something they are eager to approve of for me. This is something that is true in going out for a drink with friends where honestly I don't know what they think of that other than it is foreign to what I have seen of my family's lifestyle to choosing to work in something they would not choose like government or non-profit. I have spent most of my childhood and early adulthood motivated by external approval, and as much as I seem like I don't care what people think, I care deeply about what they think. While I have recently been told by my mom that she is proud of me, I am venturing into new territory in life. I am trying to live my life according to what I think and what I want, and pursue the life I want. I recognize that this is a journey because if you really want to change your life, you have to change yourself first. If I always do what I always did, I will always get what I always got. I deserve better, I can do better, and I will do better.

And if anyone here sounds like the voice in my head that says that is selfish, I think it is childish to roll over and settle for anything pleases mommy and daddy at almost 30 instead of being able to make decisions and live life as an adult at almost 30. I am a few hundred dollars a month short of being able to comfortably live more than paycheck to paycheck, and doing several things to make that happen. I also think it is rather hypocritical and sometimes lying to not live authentically and honestly. I'm looking for advice to help me on the journey. I apologize if I got carried away or lost sight of what is important here, though my mission still stands.

Edited September 23, 2012 by Light and Truth

[To Jesus Through Mary]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1348443170' post='2485785']
And that is why I need to be free to live my own life, even if it doesn't seem like something they are eager to approve of for me. This is something that is true in going out for a drink with friends where honestly I don't know what they think of that other than it is foreign to what I have seen of my family's lifestyle to choosing to work in something they would not choose like government or non-profit. I have spent most of my childhood and early adulthood motivated by external approval, and as much as I seem like I don't care what people think, I care deeply about what they think. While I have recently been told by my mom that she is proud of me, I am venturing into new territory in life. I am trying to live my life according to what I think and what I want, and pursue the life I want. I recognize that this is a journey because if you really want to change your life, you have to change yourself first. If I always do what I always did, I will always get what I always got. I deserve better, I can do better, and I will do better.

And if anyone here sounds like the voice in my head that says that is selfish, I think it is childish to roll over and settle for anything pleases mommy and daddy at almost 30 instead of being able to make decisions and live life as an adult at almost 30. I am a few hundred dollars a month short of being able to comfortably live more than paycheck to paycheck, and doing several things to make that happen. I also think it is rather hypocritical and sometimes lying to not live authentically and honestly. I'm looking for advice to help me on the journey. I apologize if I got carried away or lost sight of what is important here, though my mission still stands.
[/quote]

I am also almost 30, where we are different is I have lived on my own for well over a decade. But when I go home for visits or 2x when I was in between places (I stayed for a few months once and 1 month another time). When I go home I still follow the rules and try and be a considerate as possible. It is not only common sense that calls me to obey the rules of the person who I am staying with, but with my parents it is Biblical. I heard a priest give a talk on the 4th Commandment once, he said that while being supported by our parents (ie living at home) we are held to obedience to them by the 4th Commandment (unless it is a sin what they are asking of us) and if we are not supported by them we are still called to a deep honor and reverence for them. They gave us life. So although we are always called to honor our parents (they gave us life, raised us up, made sacrifices for, etc) when we live with them we have a higher obligation of obedience to them.

The bottom line, IMO- if you do not want to obey them or "roll over and settle for anything please mommy and daddy" then move out. Until then you are under their roof and they are to an extent supporting you. You want to be independent, be independent. From what you are saying they aren't asking anything of you that is so horrible anyway. And when you move out you will see that living on your own you find yourself doing all those things you abhorred so much to do in your parents house. I think part of that is our concupiscence and another part is a world view crashing around us when we see what it is like to truly live independently.

There is also nothing hypocritical of submitting ourselves to the will of another. Humbling, difficult, and annoying? Yep- you bet! It goes against our rebellious nature! When I began to support myself (at 18) I was so naive in thinking that I wouldn't ever have to listen to anybody again. Turns out I had to start listening to everybody. I am sure you are not as naive as I was, but from your posts I don't think you really grasp that obedience is a life long time struggle that doesn't stop with mom or dad. That is more like training for the rest of our lives.

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1348442004' post='2485779']
My parents are not my alarm clocks. We usually eat in front of the TV, watching whatever before my brother and I do the dishes and go do what we want or watch what we (or at least I) like. We don't have basements here, and I will probably rent an apartment before I have a house. I buy some of my own food, all of my gas, medical expenses, all personal expenses above an occasional 99 cent item and toothpaste, offer to help when someone is not well or needs something from time to time, etc.


Heads up on the way out is typically unheard of in my home. We are supposed to tell parents in advance so they know how much to cook/thaw for. It's appreciated if they know AT LEAST A DAY IN ADVANCE if we are out for dinner. It's best to tell them several days, maybe the weekend prior to so they know how to shop.

How in the world do they get away with telling you they won't be home for dinner on their way out? Sometimes I wish I could do this, but I also need to be respectful too.

This is more valuable information that lecturing me about being an adult. I'm not as adult as I am becoming, but I am more adult that a couple replies here seem to think, yet I still have to deal with living at home. How do I do this?
[/quote]
My response was in no way an attempt to demean your situation, just how we do things here. My oldest son is still living at home at 29, and my second son didn't leave til 26, only because the bus schedule was cut and he refused to drive to the city, did he finally move out closer to his job. My extra son didn't leave til right before he got married, My daughter is on the army.
All of my kids had jobs in addition to school, so their schedules were erratic, and sometimes they left before I was up or came in after I was retired for the night. If I did cook and they missed supper, then it went in the fridge as leftovers so it was no big deal, it would always be gone by morning. Sometimes they came home late and decided to cook a very late meal and I would awake to the smell of pancakes and sausage at 2 am, and I would find my breakfast awaiting me in the fridge. We have a basic supply of food maintained at all times so coming up with a menu is not an issue - fruits, veggies, chicken, rice. Even now I might know where my kid is, but not always his arrival home time since he is extremely busy. My kids are responsible adults 95% of the time, the other 5% we attempt to negotiate.