Different Values From Parents

[Anastasia13]

If you live with or lived with your parents while you were an adult with somewhat differing values and lifestyle desires yet were expected to participate in their dinner plans most of the time and needed to keep the peace in general, how do/did you cope? What advice would you offer on asserting who you want to be while maintaining the relationship and the respect that was expected?

Edited September 15, 2012 by Light and Truth

[Nihil Obstat]

For one of my parents, we understand that we don't agree on everything, but there is a ton of mutual respect so it is a very healthy situation all around. For the other, if the subject comes up I tend not to feel very respected, and it got to the point that I left that house entirely, rather than spending half my time there. Things are somewhat strained, though I hope they are getting better. It really depends on the kind of people your parents are, what their personalities are. Sometimes it is easy, sometimes it really is not.

[Groo the Wanderer]

[img]http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/96/Agnes_Moorehead_Dick_York_Elizabeth_Montgomery_Bewitched_1964.JPG/190px-Agnes_Moorehead_Dick_York_Elizabeth_Montgomery_Bewitched_1964.JPG[/img]

[MissyP89]

I hope you take my comments knowing that I mean well. The way I see it, it's just dinner. It doesn't always have to turn into a Super Serious Discussion about your differences. Remember that as an adult, you have the right to discuss or not discuss what you choose.

If you find yourself constantly fighting at the dinner table, it might be a good idea to agree not to talk about certain things during meals, and focus instead on how everyone's day went, etc.

My parents are not practicing Catholics, and our views on some issues are very different. I understand and respect that, and the way I "keep peace" is to avoid those subjects that I think might cause trouble. That doesn't mean I hide my faith ... but I don't throw it in their face every day, either (not suggesting that you're doing that, just telling you how I navigate my own situation).

And it goes without saying that your best coping mechanisms are prayer, Eucharist, and Confession as frequently as you can get to them.

TL;DR: You can still live under someone's roof and truly love them without agreeing with their choices or beliefs. Focus on the things you do share.

Edited September 15, 2012 by MissyP89

[4588686]

I come from a pretty conservative family. I just don't talk about politics. If they want to discuss politics with me then I just listen and let them talk. Makes visits and get-togethers much more pleasant. It's also more respectful. The most I ever do it ask questions. You can still learn a lot from people with more life experience than you.

Edited September 16, 2012 by Hasan

[Ed Normile]

Honor your mother and father, that honor may just lead to your moving out and living your life as you choose, hopefully your choices will be sound and maybe influence them for the betterment of their lives. That is if their lifestyle is the problem. If their lifestyle is not pleasing to you help them learn through your witness by example, do not thump bibles at them, be a torch in their darkness through your example. Either way your living under their roof and arguing with them will not accomplish much more than driving a wedge deeper between you. If you can not leave for whatever reason, show them the respect they deserve for keeping you in their home.

ed

[add]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1347682100' post='2482580']
If you live with or lived with your parents while you were an adult with somewhat differing values and lifestyle desires yet were expected to participate in their dinner plans most of the time and needed to keep the peace in general, how do/did you cope? What advice would you offer on asserting who you want to be while maintaining the relationship and the respect that was expected?
[/quote]
Your parents know you better than you know yourself, they taught you to walk, speak, wipe your bottom and how to tie your shoelaces. You will know no other greater friend.
They may even love you!

[Anomaly]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1347682100' post='2482580']
If you live with or lived with your parents while you were an adult with somewhat differing values and lifestyle desires yet were expected to participate in their dinner plans most of the time and needed to keep the peace in general, how do/did you cope? What advice would you offer on asserting who you want to be while maintaining the relationship and the respect that was expected?
[/quote]Quite honestly, it's the least you can do to respect your parents and have a relationship with them. I chafed a bit at my parents insistence to eat as a family if we lived at home. And we're talking about six kids, half of us in our twentys.

I insisted on the same with my kids. The only excuse is work or school or a special occasion like a couple date, eating at a friends WITH their family. Friends were always welcome by my parents and I welcomed my kids friends.

It's important to learn how to have polite dinner conversation, learn to listen and respect, and now that my kids are older, I recognize I'm like my parents., we have such little time with our kids.

Unless your parents are monsters, there is really no adult reason that it's that big a sacrifice on your part. Eat your peas with your old 'rents and make the feebs last few years tolerable.

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='MissyP89' timestamp='1347753167' post='2482808']My parents are not practicing Catholics, and our views on some issues are very different. I understand and respect that, and the way I "keep peace" is to avoid those subjects that I think might cause trouble. That doesn't mean I hide my faith ... but I don't throw it in their face every day, either (not suggesting that you're doing that, just telling you how I navigate my own situation).[/quote]
(I don't have a lot of faith, which will make them sad. I do go to church more than they do, though increasingly different ones than they do.)

[quote name='Hasan' timestamp='1347754631' post='2482819']
I come from a pretty conservative family. I just don't talk about politics. If they want to discuss politics with me then I just listen and let them talk. Makes visits and get-togethers much more pleasant. It's also more respectful. The most I ever do it ask questions. You can still learn a lot from people with more life experience than you.
[/quote]
Both of you, I'm curious how you told your parents how different your views were from theirs. Did you tell them straight out or did you do your thing and let them ask? And how did it go?

[quote name='MissyP89' timestamp='1347753167' post='2482808']And it goes without saying that your best coping mechanisms are prayer, Eucharist, and Confession as frequently as you can get to them.[/quote]
Actually, let's say it. Why? How do I use prayer? Why Confession? And don't just say cause I get more grace when I receive the sacraments.

Edited September 16, 2012 by Light and Truth

[4588686]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1347760413' post='2482849']
Both of you, 'm curious how you told your parents how different your views were from theirs. Did you tell them straight out or did you do your thing and let them ask? And how did it go?
[/quote]

My parents are religious. My father is a conservative Catholic and my mom is a center-right conservative Episcopalian. My family has lived in the south for over 300 years and the home I grew up in it has, at last count, about 15 guns and I learned to shoot a rifle when I was about 5-7 (and since this is the south, I've never been to a shooting range, around here you learn to shoot in the woods). My father's family are tea-party members/supporters.

So, aside from supporting the second amendment, me and my dad's family (the only family around here) are basically polar opposites. In terms of our stances on mainstream political issues. I don't discuss politics with my family, for the most part. If they want to talk to me about it then I nod respectfully, particularly if it's grandparents. I don't touch religion. If I'm visiting them then I go to church with them on Sundays.

[MissyP89]

Well, for me that's kind of a long story ... I started exploring religion when I was 14, and it was always kind of an uphill battle. They'd see me with a book and ask me why I was reading that, catch me praying and ask what I was doing that for, etc. A lot of times the truth came out simply because they questioned and/or criticized what I was saying and doing.

I'm sorry, I was under the impression that you were Catholic. Why pray? Well, there are a lot of reasons. I'm going to make a general assumption – again, forgive me if I'm wrong – that you believe in God and have some sort of relationship with Him, even if it's small. You should pray for God's help in being patient and respectful toward your folks. God wants us to grow into women of honor and dignity, so of course He's going to help us get there. Strengthening your relationship with Him will in turn give you the strength you need at home.

Confession is helpful for a few reasons: 1) You can seek forgiveness from God for those times you lose your temper or patience with family, 2) You can get practical advice from the priest for dealing with your situation, and 3) Sometimes it just feels good to talk about stuff in a safe place and in a constructive, healthy way.

[add]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1347760413' post='2482849']
Actually, let's say it. Why? How do I use prayer? Why Confession? And don't just say cause I get more grace when I receive the sacraments.
[/quote]
open up, say what is on your mind it will bring you closer
closer is good

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='add' timestamp='1347764271' post='2482887']
open up, say what is on your mind it will bring you closer
closer is good
[/quote]
What do you mean? Please rephrase specifically.

Edited September 16, 2012 by Light and Truth

[add]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1347764744' post='2482893']

What do you mean? Please rephrase specifically.
[/quote]
No offense, but if you are a adult, act and speak like an adult. My adult children disappoint me sometimes when they dis my opinion, but I accept that with an open heart, as they are everything to me, i also hope and pray that they can be part of my life in a very real and genuine way, too!
Do you see what mean, my dear?

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='add' timestamp='1347767651' post='2482911']
No offense, but if you are a adult, act and speak like an adult. My adult children disappoint me sometimes when they dis my opinion, but I accept that with an open heart, as they are everything to me, i also hope and pray that they can be part of my life in a very real and genuine way, too!
Do you see what mean, my dear?
[/quote]
Ok, cause the quoted part was about prayer and stuff, and I didn't see how that related to what you said. Ok, so your take is just be open with my parents and good parents will accept me the way I am, however in or out of agreement (assuming its nothing really bad like hard drugs).