Advice Or Prayers, I Guess.

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='xTrishaxLynnx' timestamp='1346965951' post='2479493']
I've heard that sometimes they do that purposely, to try and help you "break out of your shell." It could also have just been a real, or perceived lack of better matches for you.

In any case, I hope they work this out to your liking so that you can have an enjoyable and productive semester.
[/quote]

It seems kind of mean to force that. I like being introverted, it's partly by choice, so I don't like it when people tell me I should change Thank you so much, I hope so too.

[quote name='AnneLine' timestamp='1346966033' post='2479494']
Will pray, Spem.

Those forms.... sometimes you get what you want, and sometimes.... not so much.

Back in the 1970's (yes, I am dating myself!) a friend who was much younger than I put in a request for a 'religious' roommate who didn't smoke, drink, or want to have guys over.... and this at a Catholic college. She got EXACTLY what she requested. When I went to visit her in her room, I was very astonished to see.... over her bed, a GIANT (larger than life sized) picture of the immaculate Heart of Mary smiling across the room at her reoommate's bed. Over her roommate's bed was an equally large picture... of the Ayatollah Khomeni (the religious leader of Iran at that time). After the first shock, they actually got along very well because they really did have similar values....

I will storm heaven that you get someone who will help you get the fantastic US College experience you should able able to have!!!!

I agree, Trisha, but breaking out a shell is one thing.. having someone breaking INTO your shell is a different thing!
[/quote]

Thank you! I appreciate what you've said very much What an amesome experience for your friend!

[quote name='xTrishaxLynnx' timestamp='1346966446' post='2479497']
Yes, I know. I'm an introvert and the more someone tries to break into my shell, the more I'm going to block them out, often to the point of choosing not to see or speak to them. lol So, I don't think it's their place at all to make those sorts of decisions, because they don't know how it will affect each individual. It's a cruel experiment, in my opinion, but I believe it does happen.
[/quote]

I think it was probably more a lack of people than a deliberate move on their part. Or maybe they didn't understand what I needed. They don't seem like cruel people

Will update on what happens tomorrow, if you'd like.

[jazzytakara]

In my second year of university I had a similar situation. I was living in a house with seven other girls and for the longest time we either did not get along or we didn't know each other enough to chat/hang out. It wasn't until I attended a faith study offered by Catholic Christian Outreach that I learned that my one roommate was a practicing Catholic. We eventually became friends with another girl who was a non-denominational protestant. Sure there were debates but at least we had the similar studious and quiet personality, otherwise I would have gone crazy. My other roommates always had parties in their room, constantly came home loudly in the middle of the night, were miserable with me for no good reason, drunk a lot. And despite the 'no men' rule set up by the landlords there were several nights they let men in, men who had been too drunk to realize that the girl they were there for wasn't in the washroom as they were trying to force their way in and it was me bathing. I chose not to live their again as the friends I had made were leaving and it was only the party girls left.

If I were in your situation and friendship wasn't possible, I would maybe find somewhere else to live. The way I look at it, you are paying to live somewhere and you are neither content, nor comfortable living there, so why pay rent for a less than satisfactory living environment. I guess just decide how much of your roommates you can tolerate/handle and balance that with the work that comes with moving. I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything works out.

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='jazzytakara' timestamp='1346980967' post='2479603']
In my second year of university I had a similar situation. I was living in a house with seven other girls and for the longest time we either did not get along or we didn't know each other enough to chat/hang out. It wasn't until I attended a faith study offered by Catholic Christian Outreach that I learned that my one roommate was a practicing Catholic. We eventually became friends with another girl who was a non-denominational protestant. Sure there were debates but at least we had the similar studious and quiet personality, otherwise I would have gone crazy. My other roommates always had parties in their room, constantly came home loudly in the middle of the night, were miserable with me for no good reason, drunk a lot. And despite the 'no men' rule set up by the landlords there were several nights they let men in, men who had been too drunk to realize that the girl they were there for wasn't in the washroom as they were trying to force their way in and it was me bathing. I chose not to live their again as the friends I had made were leaving and it was only the party girls left.

If I were in your situation and friendship wasn't possible, I would maybe find somewhere else to live. The way I look at it, you are paying to live somewhere and you are neither content, nor comfortable living there, so why pay rent for a less than satisfactory living environment. I guess just decide how much of your roommates you can tolerate/handle and balance that with the work that comes with moving. I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything works out.
[/quote]

Thanks for this

When I got here, the person who showed me to my room (the same one who I spoke with about this problem) told me that if I had any roommate issues to speak with her. So perhaps she suspected it from the beginning, I'm not sure.
For the first few days it was just me and another suitemate, and she was and still is quite civil to me. They are all quite friendly (except the one who's acting coldly) but I don't really feel as though they are my "suitemates". They just seem like people I happen to live with - they all do their own thing together, and I do my own thing. My roommate seems like a quieter kind of person, but she's also into the drinking and partying aspect of life. They were even saying the other day that this year they wanted to make friends with other people on their floor, which implied to me that they just stick with each other and cut everyone else off.

I'm going to talk with a few more people tomorrow and just get a better idea of what should happen. The main things guiding me towards moving are that I'm not as happy as I could be. I'm a bit overwhelmed and stressed out by living in such a small space with five other people (most of whom are fairly loud), by randomly finding guys in my room (which I share) and in the suite when I come home (once I came home and there was a guy here just by himself, no one else was home), by having to constantly hear them talk about things I find inappropriate, by sleeping badly because of the noise they make, by being made to feel inferior and alone.I have the feeling that if this clears up and I move with someone who is more like me, I'll be back to enjoying things as I was.

[emmaberry]

[quote name='Spem in alium' timestamp='1346983449' post='2479616']
once I came home and there was a guy here just by himself, no one else was home[/quote]


Get a different room pronto and don't let anyone-including yourself-guilt trip you about it. Finding a lone guy in your suite is unsafe and just plain awkward...

I am an introvert as well (do extraverts spend time on online forums?), and even my moderately outgoing roommate was too much for me. Some people just do better living either on their own or with someone very low-key.

[AnneLine]

Ya know.... introvert is NOT a bad word. It doesn't even get a philter!!!

I'm a trained counselor, as most of you know, and I'm also a fairly introverted person. Something that is often a BIG surprise to people when they find out. Why? Because I am good with people, I'm fun to be around, I can hang out in a crowd, I can talk in front of a group...

... and Lord knows I can be noisy enough on PhatMass!

But -- and this is vital -- a healthy introvert knows that what s/he needs and it is a legitimate NEED!!!!!! -- is a place to go to recharge batteries. Extroverts recharge their interior beatteries by hanging out with other people, lots of noise, stuff happening, parties, etc. They NEED that or they get overwealmed. But WE need quiet and calm and a chance to just recoup from being around the 75% of the people in the US who NEED that noise!!!! Especially while you are trying to get used to a new school, new country, etc. you NEED to have a place where you can recharge your batteries!!!

Two stories to back this up... I worked for a long time for our State employment service, helping people to find jobs. We talked to HUNDREDS of people every day. Lines and lines and roomfuls of them!!!! But if you walked into our lunchroom, except for one lone table that had all the extroverts, the entire room was filled with happy introverts recharging their batteries. A few were talking softly, but most were reading, knitting, playing cards, whatever they needed to just get into their happy, quiet place. Because without that... we would start to snap and growl at people. (Signs of low batteries in introverts....)

At one point when one of our offices was being re-opened after a major building project, they decided to have a grand re-opening and all the workers from all the offices were told you MUST attend. We had a color guard from the Governor's office, a bugler (!) and HUNDREDS of people jammed into a space designed for a few dozen. I went ('cause my boss ORDERED me to do so.....) and after about 5 minutes I knew I would go mad if I stayed in that crowd one more minute. Then I remembered.... there was a workshop room on the other side of that over-full main room... and if I inched around the ouside of the crowd, I could punch the security buttons and escape to the quiet space. I did it... punched the number code... and slipped into the room. When I turned around, I was astonished to find all my introverted co-workers standing there, laughing silently, fingers to lips. We had ALL had the same idea... and before the ceremony was over, the workshop room was filled like a lifeboat with giggling introverts!!!!!

Spem, you have a RIGHT and a NEED to have a place to recharge. There isn't anything wrong with you (and except for the illegal stufff, not that much wrong with them....) but it is a bad fit. My bet is that this bunch has had probs with roomates before.... so don't feel bad about selecting a better option for yourself. You need to take care of you first.... I agree with the others.

Edited September 7, 2012 by AnneLine

[emmaberry]

[quote name='AnneLine' timestamp='1346992286' post='2479692']
Ya know.... introvert is NOT a bad word. It doesn't even get a philter!!!

I'm a trained counselor, as most of you know, and I'm also a fairly introverted person. Something that is often a BIG surprise to people when they find out. Why? Because I am good with people, I'm fun to be around, I can hang out in a crowd, I can talk in front of a group...

... and Lord knows I can be noisy enough on PhatMass!

But -- and this is vital -- a healthy introvert knows that what s/he needs and it is a legitimate NEED!!!!!! -- is a place to go to recharge batteries. Extroverts recharge their interior beatteries by hanging out with other people, lots of noise, stuff happening, parties, etc. They NEED that or they get overwealmed. But WE need quiet and calm and a chance to just recoup from being around the 75% of the people in the US who NEED that noise!!!! Especially while you are trying to get used to a new school, new country, etc. you NEED to have a place where you can recharge your batteries!!!

Two stories to back this up... I worked for a long time for our State employment service, helping people to find jobs. We talked to HUNDREDS of people every day. Lines and lines and roomfuls of them!!!! But if you walked into our lunchroom, except for one lone table that had all the extroverts, the entire room was filled with happy introverts recharging their batteries. A few were talking softly, but most were reading, knitting, playing cards, whatever they needed to just get into their happy, quiet place. Because without that... we would start to snap and growl at people. (Signs of low batteries in introverts....)

At one point when one of our offices was being re-opened after a major building project, they decided to have a grand re-opening and all the workers from all the offices were told you MUST attend. We had a color guard from the Governor's office, a bugler (!) and HUNDREDS of people jammed into a space designed for a few dozen. I went ('cause my boss ORDERED me to do so.....) and after about 5 minutes I knew I would go mad if I stayed in that crowd one more minute. Then I remembered.... there was a workshop room on the other side of that over-full main room... and if I inched around the ouside of the crowd, I could punch the security buttons and escape to the quiet space. I did it... punched the number code... and slipped into the room. When I turned around, I was astonished to find all my introverted co-workers standing there, laughing silently, fingers to lips. We had ALL had the same idea... and before the ceremony was over, the workshop room was filled like a lifeboat with giggling introverts!!!!!

Spem, you have a RIGHT and a NEED to have a place to recharge. There isn't anything wrong with you (and except for the illegal stufff, not that much wrong with them....) but it is a bad fit. My bet is that this bunch has had probs with roomates before.... so don't feel bad about selecting a better option for yourself. You need to take care of you first.... I agree with the others.
[/quote]

yes yes YES.

The only problem with being young and introverted (and this may be a problem for older introverts as well) is that -edit: some- extraverts often don't believe that you have a real 'need' to recharge by being alone, since it's so foreign to them. They often take it as rude or unfriendly behavior, which is not usually the case! I am guessing full-grown adults have enough self-knowledge and knowledge of others to realize there are different needs for separate types of people.

Edited September 7, 2012 by emmaberry

[AnneLine]

Emma that is true... but not just for younger people.

Here's the way to look at it. In the US (and it varies by country, Spem....) 75% of the people are extroverted. In other words, out of every 100 people 75 of them will think that there is something WRONG with people who don't need to party, etc. or who need the extra time and space to think and ponder stuff. Younger people sometimes are less tolerant of this, but not always.

On the other hand... 25 out of every hundred will think that being totally silent is normal, and that there is something wrong with those who can't handle being quiet. When I first got married (and my husband is somewhat introverted, but was socialized by his family to NEED noise), I had my new sister-in-law over for dinner and half way through, she just looked at me and said, kind of desperately, "Anne, this is a great dinner, but could we PLEASE have some music or turn on the TV? The silence is driving me crazy." And I realized I never had been at her house, or at their Nonna's house without at least 2 TVs and a radio blaring. Even now I am on the lower level of our house, and my husband is upstairs, playing a loud video game with both TV and radio blaring. I don't go anywhere without my trusty earplugs......

I've been spending a LOT of time with my husband's family (my Mother-in-law is very ill [PRAYERS PLEASE!]) and I would have gone mad without my trusy earplugs last few weeks...... but my poor mother-in-law thinks I am nuts because everytime she would come into the kitchen, I'd have books open and be happily doing stuff in silence. It unnerved her.....

And do you know.... when we got married, we have so many introverted friends that we actually had an 'introvert room' at the wedding reception.... just a room with some chairs where they could hang out and recharge. Worked for EVERYONE. Loud party and a place where the introverts (well except me and my husband who LONGED to go join them...) could recharge.

Got lots of compliments about what a GREAT party it was... from intro & extro alike. Just helps to not think my way is the only way.....

Edited September 7, 2012 by AnneLine

[AnneLine]

I couldn't resist.... a picture of me with my husband's family....

[img]http://www.worldette.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Odd-one-out.jpg[/img]

[emmaberry]

[quote name='AnneLine' timestamp='1346993458' post='2479702']
Emma that is true... but not just for younger people.

Here's the way to look at it. In the US (and it varies by country, Spem....) 75% of the people are extroverted. In other words, out of every 100 people 75 of them will think that there is something WRONG with people who don't need to party, etc. or who need the extra time and space to think and ponder stuff. Younger people sometimes are less tolerant of this, but not always.

On the other hand... 25 out of every hundred will think that being totally silent is normal, and that there is something wrong with those who can't handle being quiet. When I first got married (and my husband is somewhat introverted, but was socialized by his family to NEED noise), I had my new sister-in-law over for dinner and half way through, she just looked at me and said, kind of desperately, "Anne, this is a great dinner, but could we PLEASE have some music or turn on the TV? The silence is driving me crazy." And I realized I never had been at her house, or at their Nonna's house without at least 2 TVs and a radio blaring. Even now I am on the lower level of our house, and my husband is upstairs, playing a loud video game with both TV and radio blaring. I don't go anywhere without my trusty earplugs......

I've been spending a LOT of time with my husband's family (my Mother-in-law is very ill [PRAYERS PLEASE!]) and I would have gone mad without my trusy earplugs last few weeks...... but my poor mother-in-law thinks I am nuts because everytime she would come into the kitchen, I'd have books open and be happily doing stuff in silence. It unnerved her.....

And do you know.... when we got married, we have so many introverted friends that we actually had an 'introvert room' at the wedding reception.... just a room with some chairs where they could hang out and recharge. Worked for EVERYONE. Loud party and a place where the introverts (well except me and my husband who LONGED to go join them...) could recharge.

Got lots of compliments about what a GREAT party it was... from intro & extro alike. Just helps to not think my way is the only way.....
[/quote]

That does sound like a great idea for the wedding party! Gotta love earplugs.

I had no clue about those statistics. In my naivete, I thought most young people were extraverted, and then this shifted into most people becoming more introverted as they got older. The official numbers make waay more sense.

I have a very extraverted friend who likes to get together not just for lunch but for the entire afternoon. She is a sweet girl but she exhausts me completely. The funny thing is she'd like to get together every couple days! I don't think I'd make it through the first week. Glad to know 25% of people experience the same thing, more or less.

[Groo the Wanderer]

set her bed on fire and toss all her stuff out the window

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='emmaberry' timestamp='1346986303' post='2479658']
Get a different room pronto and don't let anyone-including yourself-guilt trip you about it. Finding a lone guy in your suite is unsafe and just plain awkward...

I am an introvert as well (do extraverts spend time on online forums?), and even my moderately outgoing roommate was too much for me. Some people just do better living either on their own or with someone very low-key.
[/quote]

That was really awkward and edgy for me. I thought that would at least be a good reason to move.

My family understands that I need alone time, they let me go do my own thing and don't bug me. So that's another difficulty, I guess - coming from that kind of environment into one that's 10 times smaller and filled with extroverts. Agh!

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='AnneLine' timestamp='1346992286' post='2479692']
Ya know.... introvert is NOT a bad word. It doesn't even get a philter!!!

I'm a trained counselor, as most of you know, and I'm also a fairly introverted person. Something that is often a BIG surprise to people when they find out. Why? Because I am good with people, I'm fun to be around, I can hang out in a crowd, I can talk in front of a group...

... and Lord knows I can be noisy enough on PhatMass!

But -- and this is vital -- a healthy introvert knows that what s/he needs and it is a legitimate NEED!!!!!! -- is a place to go to recharge batteries. Extroverts recharge their interior beatteries by hanging out with other people, lots of noise, stuff happening, parties, etc. They NEED that or they get overwealmed. But WE need quiet and calm and a chance to just recoup from being around the 75% of the people in the US who NEED that noise!!!! Especially while you are trying to get used to a new school, new country, etc. you NEED to have a place where you can recharge your batteries!!!

Two stories to back this up... I worked for a long time for our State employment service, helping people to find jobs. We talked to HUNDREDS of people every day. Lines and lines and roomfuls of them!!!! But if you walked into our lunchroom, except for one lone table that had all the extroverts, the entire room was filled with happy introverts recharging their batteries. A few were talking softly, but most were reading, knitting, playing cards, whatever they needed to just get into their happy, quiet place. Because without that... we would start to snap and growl at people. (Signs of low batteries in introverts....)

At one point when one of our offices was being re-opened after a major building project, they decided to have a grand re-opening and all the workers from all the offices were told you MUST attend. We had a color guard from the Governor's office, a bugler (!) and HUNDREDS of people jammed into a space designed for a few dozen. I went ('cause my boss ORDERED me to do so.....) and after about 5 minutes I knew I would go mad if I stayed in that crowd one more minute. Then I remembered.... there was a workshop room on the other side of that over-full main room... and if I inched around the ouside of the crowd, I could punch the security buttons and escape to the quiet space. I did it... punched the number code... and slipped into the room. When I turned around, I was astonished to find all my introverted co-workers standing there, laughing silently, fingers to lips. We had ALL had the same idea... and before the ceremony was over, the workshop room was filled like a lifeboat with giggling introverts!!!!!

Spem, you have a RIGHT and a NEED to have a place to recharge. There isn't anything wrong with you (and except for the illegal stufff, not that much wrong with them....) but it is a bad fit. My bet is that this bunch has had probs with roomates before.... so don't feel bad about selecting a better option for yourself. You need to take care of you first.... I agree with the others.
[/quote]

Thanks so much, AnneLine! Those stories are amesome. I eat by myself mostly too - my favourite time is breakfast, because it's quiet. I think I just worry too much about offending or hurting people. I don't want to do that, so when something comes up like this I automatically begin thinking of what would be the best way of making others happy or keeping the peace. It's great to make people happy, don't get me wrong, but a couple of times I've compromised my own happiness as a result, and that made it near impossible for me to help people as well as I once could.

[quote name='emmaberry' timestamp='1346992846' post='2479696']
yes yes YES.

The only problem with being young and introverted (and this may be a problem for older introverts as well) is that -edit: some- extraverts often don't believe that you have a real 'need' to recharge by being alone, since it's so foreign to them. They often take it as rude or unfriendly behavior, which is not usually the case! I am guessing full-grown adults have enough self-knowledge and knowledge of others to realize there are different needs for separate types of people.
[/quote]

I'm also worried that they see me as rude or unfriendly because I'm always in my room. So I always try and say hi to them, just so they don't get that idea. I think it is hard to be young and introverted, because it goes against what seems to be typical.

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='AnneLine' timestamp='1346993458' post='2479702']
Emma that is true... but not just for younger people.

Here's the way to look at it. In the US (and it varies by country, Spem....) 75% of the people are extroverted. In other words, out of every 100 people 75 of them will think that there is something WRONG with people who don't need to party, etc. or who need the extra time and space to think and ponder stuff. Younger people sometimes are less tolerant of this, but not always.

On the other hand... 25 out of every hundred will think that being totally silent is normal, and that there is something wrong with those who can't handle being quiet. When I first got married (and my husband is somewhat introverted, but was socialized by his family to NEED noise), I had my new sister-in-law over for dinner and half way through, she just looked at me and said, kind of desperately, "Anne, this is a great dinner, but could we PLEASE have some music or turn on the TV? The silence is driving me crazy." And I realized I never had been at her house, or at their Nonna's house without at least 2 TVs and a radio blaring. Even now I am on the lower level of our house, and my husband is upstairs, playing a loud video game with both TV and radio blaring. I don't go anywhere without my trusty earplugs......

I've been spending a LOT of time with my husband's family (my Mother-in-law is very ill [PRAYERS PLEASE!]) and I would have gone mad without my trusy earplugs last few weeks...... but my poor mother-in-law thinks I am nuts because everytime she would come into the kitchen, I'd have books open and be happily doing stuff in silence. It unnerved her.....

And do you know.... when we got married, we have so many introverted friends that we actually had an 'introvert room' at the wedding reception.... just a room with some chairs where they could hang out and recharge. Worked for EVERYONE. Loud party and a place where the introverts (well except me and my husband who LONGED to go join them...) could recharge.

Got lots of compliments about what a GREAT party it was... from intro & extro alike. Just helps to not think my way is the only way.....
[/quote]

Haha, that's a fantastic idea for a wedding reception. I don't really see anything wrong with extroverts - things like partying and noise are how they get their energy and vitality, just as how things like reading or silence work to build up mine. I have friends who are extroverts, and although we don't work in the same way we get along well.Everyone's different, but it doesn't mean we can't get along I think what's unnerving me here is that I'm in extrovert-land most of the time in class (because I need to be, participation is graded), then when I come home instead of having time to recharge and be by myself, I stay in extrovert-land. There's just no time to recharge unless I go to the library or go for a walk - but I can't always do those things easily or every day.

[quote name='emmaberry' timestamp='1347004335' post='2479748']
That does sound like a great idea for the wedding party! Gotta love earplugs.

I had no clue about those statistics. In my naivete, I thought most young people were extraverted, and then this shifted into most people becoming more introverted as they got older. The official numbers make waay more sense.

I have a very extraverted friend who likes to get together not just for lunch but for the entire afternoon. She is a sweet girl but she exhausts me completely. The funny thing is she'd like to get together every couple days! I don't think I'd make it through the first week. Glad to know 25% of people experience the same thing, more or less.
[/quote]

Haha, I have friends like this. I love them dearly, but boy, do they tire me out

[quote name='Groo the Wanderer' timestamp='1347013726' post='2479762']
set her bed on fire and toss all her stuff out the window
[/quote]

Great idea. They'll definitely want to move me after that.

[AnneLine]

Only problem with Groo's suggestion, Spem, is that while they might move you.... it might not be to solitary confinement, and you'd have even less choice of roommates.

[Spem in alium]

Hey guys. Today I met with my contact from the ISPO and with my RD. Both meetings went well.

The first meeting (with the ISPO staff member) was basically just her telling me what options were available. She said that she didn't want me originally to be in a suite, but only found out I was living there after it was too late. She said that for exchange students it's harder, because while first-years get to be with other first-years, exchange students are just lumped with people who have already started their degree and made friends. So she was quite supportive.

I've just come back from my meeting with the RD. She gave me a few options, there are some doubles here in my residence hall that have openings. The person she thinks would fit me best has the same name as me, and her application for a roommate sounds exactly like mine did. Hmmm When I told her about the thing with the guy (finding him here with none of my suitemates around) she thought that was odd. She's also encouraging me to look at options because I'm only here for a semester. If I were here for the whole four years, she said she'd probably have told me to just deal with it.

It's making me feel a little less stressed than I was. It will be a shame to leave my roommate, because she's very considerate of me and very kind. But the overall environment here is overwhelming for me. So many people in such a small space. I don't want to cause trouble, and I don't want to hurt anyone, but in my heart I feel I could be happier someplace else.