Too Picky In Dating?

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='southern california guy' timestamp='1346715677' post='2478017']
Well if you are willing to marry an older divorced woman who has children and takes drugs, than you could probably get married really fast!
[/quote]
I'm a chick. If I am willing to marry an older divorced woman, I have bigger problems.

Edited September 4, 2012 by Light and Truth

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='Hasan' timestamp='1346731649' post='2478159']
There is no mathematical formula for this. Like Lillabettt said, if you are demanding some hyper-rare trait then you are too picky. But more context would help answer your question. Also, I'm nosy
[/quote]
How can I give more context? Examples? The type of people around these parts?

I am not good at getting out there and meeting guys to date and I want to break out of my usually patterns and meet someone new, but I also know that I may pass over guys that deserve a second look. I want to know how to change that in ways that will work for me.

Is it unfair to pass over a white guy when I would be willing to date a black or hispanic guy in the same situation? What if this is because I want my kids to have some kind of ethnic identity and I have a weak opportunity to share what I have with them because of limited access to the only ethic community in the area I can claim any kind of membership in? And if that would change for a really really cute fun guy who is white?

What about a guy who has a high school diploma in a blue collar job with no indication of college in his life when I am considering going for my masters after I do a couple certificate and language courses?

[4588686]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1346740709' post='2478199']
How can I give more context? Examples? The type of people around these parts?

I am not good at getting out there and meeting guys to date and I want to break out of my usually patterns and meet someone new, but I also know that I may pass over guys that deserve a second look. I want to know how to change that in ways that will work for me.[/QUOTE]

Bars, book clubs, online dating?

[QUOTE]Is it unfair to pass over a white guy when I would be willing to date a black or hispanic guy in the same situation? What if this is because I want my kids to have some kind of ethnic identity and I have a weak opportunity to share what I have with them because of limited access to the only ethic community in the area I can claim any kind of membership in? And if that would change for a really really cute fun guy who is white?[/QUOTE]

Strikes me as somewhat picky but we're not the same person.

[QUOTE]What about a guy who has a high school diploma in a blue collar job with no indication of college in his life when I am considering going for my masters after I do a couple certificate and language courses?
[/quote]

Well, you're examples seem a bit slipshod. I'd sit down and really think through my priorities. What are the things I absolutely couldn't budge on and what things are negotiable? After that you need to date. Get out there and measure what you take to be your priorities against your experience.

Good luck!

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='Hasan' timestamp='1346741245' post='2478201']Well, you're examples seem a bit slipshod. I'd sit down and really think through my priorities. What are the things I absolutely couldn't budge on and what things are negotiable? After that you need to date. Get out there and measure what you take to be your priorities against your experience.

Good luck!
[/quote]
Yeah, well I tried to come up with something quickly, but some may be like that. I have run into the high school example online, and the least I want my kids to get is an associate degree after they finish high school because I value education and the ability to provide and that is something I want for my kids.

I know I need to work on my list. So when I try dating and measure my priority against my experience, how does that work?

And thank you for the good wish.

Edited September 4, 2012 by Light and Truth

[Groo the Wanderer]

[quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1346714697' post='2478012']
What is being too picky in who you date? What is being too picky and what is being just picky enough?
[/quote]

I would say chimps have it just about right. Both pick the bugs from each other without any complaint. Then eat them.

[Archaeology cat]

I agree religion is important, but, being a convert, I have to say I dislike it when people say not to date non-Catholics. I wasn't Catholic when I started dating my husband, and in fact had no intention of becoming Catholic before we started dating. After, I decided to research, as I knew this would be an important factor, and I did convert (no, I did not convert for him; he never asked it of me, but I brought it up first). obviously it won't always go like that, so that's something that must be discerned.

[Nihil Obstat]

For me I could not have handled a long term relationship with a non-Catholic. Lots of people can, and I admire that because it takes a lot of strength and sensitivity, but for me it would have been a clear deal breaker.

[Nihil Obstat]

[quote name='Nihil Obstat' timestamp='1346768719' post='2478248']
For me I could not have handled a long term relationship with a non-Catholic. Lots of people can, and I admire that because it takes a lot of strength and sensitivity, but for me it would have been a clear deal breaker.
[/quote]
Actually that's not 100% true. I probably could have handled dating someone who was Orthodox. Before I got serious about Katy, I briefly considered asking out a girl I knew who was Coptic Orthodox. Nothing ever came of it, but it might have been fine.

[Slappo]

I think when it comes to education and jobs it really depends on if you are being too picky or not. Any wide range "won't date a non-college graduate" type non-negotiable would be too picky I think.

It doesn't matter what level their secular education is. What matters is: Can they provide for a family? Can they engage you in intellectually stimulating conversations or does everything you say go way over their head? It doesn't take college education to be brillian or succesful, although the education can certainly help.

[Norseman82]

[quote name='TheUbiquitous' timestamp='1346737280' post='2478184']

[url="http://catholicexchange.com/a-vocation-to-the-single-life/"]Not the whole truth[/url]. At least, not how the term gets thrown around.

But this would be getting off-topic.
[/quote]

Mesely Luis does not carry magisterial weight. The CCC does.

[missionseeker]

The whole courting dating thing is stupid.


people's lives are different. If you can/want to court. GREAT. Nobody else really cares what you call your path of discerning marriage together. If you can't/ don't want to court. THAT'S FINE TOO.

Honestly, as long as two people aren't sinning, who cares how they discern marriage. Preferences are preferences.

Also, if someone took me to adoration on my first date, I'd probably never go out with them again. Not because I don't like adoration. Because I don't like to go to Adoration in groups or with other people. I find it weird and awkward because prayer is really private. Maybe after a couple months dating, I'd be ok with it. But not on a first date. (Again, preferences.)

There really aren't defined rules in who to date or how to date. If you over think it, you won't date anyone. You'll sit there and analyze "how is this person wrong for me" Obviously, if you don't like the person, or don't think there's a future, don't date. But if a not well known acquaintance (or even in some cases a stranger) asks you on a date, just go with it. Say yes or no. Have fun. Or be miserable and decide that this person is certainly not one you could spend forever with. First dates aren't always great (so keep that in mind. my sister once told me that she gave the first guy who asked her out three chances. She didn't really like him on the first date, but after the third one, they were dating. Good thing. They're now married and their second child is due in two months.). But first dates aren't permanent. They're just a chance to get to know someone better. They're not a commitment to that person. (Even if you court, you might find that this person is not the one for you after you hang out a couple of times.)

Obviously don't be stupid about it. Use discretion, etc. But don't be scared to accept a date because what if it isn't the person for you.

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='missionseeker' timestamp='1346801927' post='2478460']
The whole courting dating thing is stupid.


people's lives are different. If you can/want to court. GREAT. Nobody else really cares what you call your path of discerning marriage together. If you can't/ don't want to court. THAT'S FINE TOO.

Honestly, as long as two people aren't sinning, who cares how they discern marriage. Preferences are preferences.

Also, if someone took me to adoration on my first date, I'd probably never go out with them again. Not because I don't like adoration. Because I don't like to go to Adoration in groups or with other people. I find it weird and awkward because prayer is really private. Maybe after a couple months dating, I'd be ok with it. But not on a first date. (Again, preferences.)

There really aren't defined rules in who to date or how to date. If you over think it, you won't date anyone. You'll sit there and analyze "how is this person wrong for me" Obviously, if you don't like the person, or don't think there's a future, don't date. But if a not well known acquaintance (or even in some cases a stranger) asks you on a date, just go with it. Say yes or no. Have fun. Or be miserable and decide that this person is certainly not one you could spend forever with. First dates aren't always great (so keep that in mind. my sister once told me that she gave the first guy who asked her out three chances. She didn't really like him on the first date, but after the third one, they were dating. Good thing. They're now married and their second child is due in two months.). But first dates aren't permanent. They're just a chance to get to know someone better. They're not a commitment to that person. (Even if you court, you might find that this person is not the one for you after you hang out a couple of times.)

Obviously don't be stupid about it. Use discretion, etc. But don't be scared to accept a date because what if it isn't the person for you.
[/quote]
So like would going out with a guy three times before saying no unless there is an obvious red flag be a good policy?

I haven't have enough experience or something to know for sure the difference between not liking a guy and not giving him a chance. Is it like you take the time to go out a couple times but there is still no chemistry/butterflies/strong desire to be with/around/talking to him, then I move on to the next interested/interesting guy who has no obvious deal-breakers?

P.S. Thanks for not judging me.

[Winchester]

[quote][size="-1"]there was this great woman who lived in my home town, Edith Neisser, dead now, and she wrote terrific books about how we screw up our children - "Brothers and Sisters" was one of her books, "The Eldest Child" was another. Published by Harper. Edith doesn't need the plug, seeing, like I said, as she's no longer with us, but if there are any amongst you who are worried that maybe you're not being perfect parents, pick up one of Edith's books while there's still time. I knew her 'cause her kid Ed got his haircuts from my pop, and she was this writer and by my teens I knew, secretly, that was the life for me too, except I couldn't tell anybody. It was too embarrassing - barber's sons, if they hustled, maybe got to be IBM salesmen, but writers? No way. Don't ask me how, but eventually Edith discovered my shhhhhh ambition and from then on, sometimes, we would talk. And I remember once we were having iced tea on the Neisser porch and talking and just outside the porch was their badminton court and I was watching some kids play badminton and Ed had just shellacked me, and as I left the court for the porch, he said, "Don't worry, it'll all work out, you'll get me next time" and I nodded, and then Ed said, "And if you don't, you'll beat me at something else."

I went to the porch and sipped iced tea and Edith was reading this book and she didn't put it down when she said, "That's not necessarily true, you know."

I said, "How do you mean?"

And that's when she put her book down. And looked at me. And said it: "Life isn't fair, Bill. We tell our children that it is, but it's a terrible thing to do. It's not only a lie, it's a cruel lie. [b]Life is not fair, and it never has been, and it's never going to be.[/b]" Would you believe that for me right then it was like one of those comic books where the light bulb goes on over Mandrake the Magician's head?

"It isn't!" I said, so loud I really startled her. "You're right! It's not fair." I was so happy if I'd known how to dance, I'd have started dancing. "Isn't that great, isn't it terrific?" I think along here Edith must have thought I was well on my way to being bonkers.

But it meant so much to me to have it said and out and free and flying - that was the discontent I had endured the night my father stopped reading, I realized right then. That was the reconciliation I was trying to make and couldn't.

And that's what I think this book's about. All those Columbia experts can spiel all they want about the delicious satire; they're crazy. This book says, "life's not fair" and I'm telling you, one and all, you better believe it. I got a fat spoiled son - he's not gonna nag Miss Rheingold. And he's always gonna be fat, even if he gets skinny he'll still be fat and he'll still be spoiled and life will never be enough to make him happy, and that's my fault maybe - make it all my fault, if you want - the point is, we're not created equal, for the rich they sing, life isn't fair. I got a cold wife; she's brilliant, she's stimulating, she's terrific; there's no love; that's okay too, just so long as we don't keep expecting everything to somehow even out for us before we die.

Look. (Grownups skip this paragraph.) I'm not about to tell you this book has a tragic ending. I already said in the very first line how it was my favorite in all the world. But there's a lot of bad stuff coming up, torture you've already been prepared for, but there's worse. There's death coming up, and you better understand this: Some of the wrong people die. Be ready for it. This isn't Curious George Uses the Potty. Nobody warned me and it was my own fault (you'll see what I mean in a little) and that was my mistake, so I'm not letting it happen to you. The wrong people die, some of them, and the reason is this; life is not fair. Forget all the garbage your parents put out. Remember Morgenstern. You'll be a lot happier.[/size]

--William Goldman, [i]The Princess Bride[/i][/quote]

[Anastasia13]

[quote name='Slappo' timestamp='1346790126' post='2478381']
I think when it comes to education and jobs it really depends on if you are being too picky or not. Any wide range "won't date a non-college graduate" type non-negotiable would be too picky I think.

It doesn't matter what level their secular education is. What matters is: Can they provide for a family? Can they engage you in intellectually stimulating conversations or does everything you say go way over their head? It doesn't take college education to be brillian or succesful, although the education can certainly help.
[/quote]
I expect that if I have kids, they may be mildly special need kids but in ways that can be dealt with, with medication and a little more involvement from me. I want my kids to come out in life as well as possible, so I want to be home part-time when they return home from school. Should that be a deal-breaker? Is knowing if a guy will have a kind of career that makes the possible a deal-breaker matter?

Is wanting a guy who is ok with his wife working part-time while the kids are in school (instead of homeschooling*) an ok deal-breaker or just a want category?

*Not looking to debate the merits of homeschooling.

[Anastasia13]

Winchester, what do you mean by that quote? How are you relating this to the topic at hand?

Edited September 5, 2012 by Light and Truth