Anastasia13 Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 What is being too picky in who you date? What is being too picky and what is being just picky enough? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southern california guy Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 [quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1346714697' post='2478012'] What is being too picky in who you date? What is being too picky and what is being just picky enough? [/quote] Well if you are willing to marry an older divorced woman who has children and takes drugs, than you could probably get married really fast! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheUbiquitous Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 Catholics should discern vocations first, whether married, single, or religious. This is probably not enough to eliminate someone from the running, however. Catholics should date Catholics who:[list] [*]Practice the faith, [*]Take it seriously, and [*]In a compatible way. (i.e. no diehard FSSP man dating a charismatic LifeTeen centering prayer woman, unless they're each willing to give a little.) [*](From here, secular needs take over.) [/list] My grandparents, Protestant both, had the happiest marriage of anyone I've ever met. After gran'ma died, I asked gran'pa how he and gran'ma were so happy. Without missing a beat, and totally without making a big deal out of it, he said something like this: "Well, our marriage was founded on our faith in Christ." Fulton Sheen's book on marriage is called "Three to Get Married." (Protip: No. 3 is not the baby conceived before the ceremony.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinytherese Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 What really matters is that you have the same values, don't see divorce as an option, and that the relationship is healthy. Talk about religion, finances, kids, your dreams, boundaries in regards to sexuality, ambitions, in-laws, hypothetical scenarios that you might have to deal with, etc. Through discernment you can see if you want to date someone outside of your denomination. Stuff like music preferences usually shouldn't be an issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilllabettt Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 it all depends. If you live in China and are waiting for a redhead, yes you are too picky. If you are in County Cork, than no, not too picky at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nihil Obstat Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 You need to know what your deal-breakers are, then evaluate whether or not your deal-breakers are realistic. Don't compromise on the important ones, like religion, however you've evaluated how that needs to work for you, but be willing to compromise if it turns out that you're not being realistic, or if you're not giving good guys a chance because some of your deal-breakers aren't fair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anastasia13 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 [quote name='Nihil Obstat' timestamp='1346717029' post='2478030'] You need to know what your deal-breakers are, then evaluate whether or not your deal-breakers are realistic. Don't compromise on the important ones, like religion, however you've evaluated how that needs to work for you, but be willing to compromise if it turns out that you're not being realistic, or if you're not giving good guys a chance because some of your deal-breakers aren't fair. [/quote] Ok, I figure an unfair deal breaker might be he doesn't like my favorite show or he is a little overweight. What is a good benchmark for judging deal-breakers or what should be a want instead of a deal-breaker? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basilisa Marie Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 (edited) Non-negotiables should be things like religious beliefs, views on marriage and kids, and other big lifestyle decisions (like drinking and smoking, etc). Things like interests or hobbies should be major brownie points, but potentially overlooked if all other (more important) criteria are met. If a guy has an impressive collection of bellybutton lint and likes to LARP sometimes with his friends on the weekends, those could be overlooked if he seems like an amesome person otherwise. (and who knows...LARPing might turn out to be fun ) But if he doesn't seem like an amesome person otherwise, those can be contributing factors to why it's not a good fit. How does he treat you? Even if he's not into what you're into, is he willing to do it with you, or at least take an interest? Like, if he doesn't have the same taste in movies, is he happy to trade off who gets to pick the movie? If you like underwater bocce ball and he's hydrophobic, is he happy to let you go play it with your friends, ask you how it went, and come cheer you on in the league tournament? Are you willing to do the same for his interests? Edited September 4, 2012 by Basilisa Marie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nihil Obstat Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 [quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1346718039' post='2478061'] Ok, I figure an unfair deal breaker might be he doesn't like my favorite show or he is a little overweight. What is a good benchmark for judging deal-breakers or what should be a want instead of a deal-breaker? [/quote] Only you can know that, I guess. It takes a lot of perspective and maturity. At least I am assuming, because I'm sure as heck not mature. IMO one should only approach dating as preparation and discernment for marriage. I think if you view it from that perspective, and consider your prospective dates as serious in that respect, things will probably be clearer. At least that is how I approached it. I got lucky, to be honest. Maybe my advice is too simplistic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emmaberry Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 Definitely Catholic and living his faith. So if he doesn't ever want kids, don't date him just because he goes to Mass on Sunday. If he does drugs or drinks too much, these are things you could bypass someone for. If he hasn't talked to his parents in 10 years for no good reason, you may bypass him, as I hope you are looking for a family-oriented guy. Too picky would be if you argue about what restaurant to go to, so you dump him because you don't like the same foods. This applies to music, clothes, cars, etc. Just picky enough is when you choose non-negotiables that have less to do with the exterior/interests of the person and more with their fundamental identity. Of course, having common interests and finding them attractive doesn't hurt, and this is why it's a good idea to go do your hobbies and meet people around those. [quote name='Lilllabettt' timestamp='1346716911' post='2478028'] it all depends. If you live in China and are waiting for a redhead, yes you are too picky. If you are in County Cork, than no, not too picky at all. [/quote] Hah! Off-topic, but funny story: A red-headed protestant friend went to China as a missionary, and told himself he wouldn't look for a wife since what he did was so dangerous. Lo and behold, from China he calls us up and tells us he has fallen in love with 'Kim.' We assume Kim is a native Chinese because of her name and the circumstances. He brings Kim back, and she is a redhead also! Our jaws dropped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nihil Obstat Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 (edited) Oh! I can't believe I've forgotten! Read [url="http://seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.ca/"]Seraphic Singles[/url]! It's a great blog, intended for single Catholic women. She's a [s]really bright[/s] absolutely brilliant lady, and she can give better advice than any of us. Edited September 4, 2012 by Nihil Obstat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheUbiquitous Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 (edited) Catholic ladies must read [url="http://catholicyoungwoman.blogspot.com/"][i]The Catholic Young Woman[/i][/url]. [url="http://catholicyoungwoman.blogspot.com/2012/08/because-god-was-merciful.html"]Great post[/url], in case you needed to be pushed: [center][font=georgia,serif][i][size=7]Because God was merciful[/size][/i][/font][/center] [indent=1]For the past year I've been in a courtship with an [i]amazing [/i]guy. He has a wonderful sense of humor and constantly has me laughing. He opens doors for me, takes me dancing, tells me I'm beautiful, helps me with my college homework, and gives me a shoulder to cry on. He's handsome, charming, and just amazing. Can you tell I'm smitten?[/indent] [indent=1]On top of all that, he's a faithful Catholic, totally in line with the Church on all its teachings, from birth control to the Sunday Mass obligation.[/indent] [indent=1]It would be so, so easy to look at him and think smugly that I had this coming to me. It would be easy to think that this wonderful man is in my life because I had high standards and determined not to get romantically involved with a non-Catholic or one who didn't follow Church teachings.[/indent] [indent=1]But something about being in a good relationship makes you take a good look at yourself, and clearly recognize faults and failings you didn't even realize you had. Being on such intimate terms with someone shows you how your actions affect others. It's a humbling experience, and suddenly the easy thoughts aren't so easy anymore.[/indent] [indent=1]Suddenly it's easier to think: [i]Maybe I have this wonderful man in my life because God knew I needed things a little easier. Maybe my relationship is with a devout Catholic guy not because I was strong enough to wait, but because it was the only opportunity God gave me. Maybe it wasn't me that kept the other guys away, but God, because [b]He knew I wouldn't be strong enough to say no.[/b] Maybe He was merciful.[/i][/indent] [indent=1]The way things I have worked out, I have no way of knowing if I could have held out for that strong Catholic man. All I know is this: God was good enough not to put me to the test. He knew what I needed, and what I couldn't handle. He is merciful.[/indent] Edited September 4, 2012 by TheUbiquitous Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norseman82 Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 [quote name='TheUbiquitous' timestamp='1346716108' post='2478020'] Catholics should discern vocations first, whether married, single, or religious. [/quote] "Single" is not a vocation unless it is in the context of consecrated life. And considering that CCC 1603 states that marriage is the vocation written into our very nature as it comes from the hand of God, we only need to discern if we have a vocation [i]other than marriage [/i](what the Church calls "virginity for the sake of the kingdom", further clarified by the CCC as "priestly ministry" and "consecrated life"). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4588686 Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 [quote name='Light and Truth' timestamp='1346714697' post='2478012'] What is being too picky in who you date? What is being too picky and what is being just picky enough? [/quote] There is no mathematical formula for this. Like Lillabettt said, if you are demanding some hyper-rare trait then you are too picky. But more context would help answer your question. Also, I'm nosy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheUbiquitous Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 [quote name='Norseman82' timestamp='1346727227' post='2478138'] "Single" is not a vocation unless it is in the context of consecrated life. And considering that CCC 1603 states that marriage is the vocation written into our very nature as it comes from the hand of God, we only need to discern if we have a vocation [i]other than marriage [/i](what the Church calls "virginity for the sake of the kingdom", further clarified by the CCC as "priestly ministry" and "consecrated life"). [/quote] [url="http://catholicexchange.com/a-vocation-to-the-single-life/"]Not the whole truth[/url]. At least, not how the term gets thrown around. But this would be getting off-topic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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