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Difficulties


FutureCarmeliteClaire

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FutureCarmeliteClaire

I know some of you saw I was at the ER on Saturday because my arm turned purple. It it still purple. They let me out because they didn't know what was wrong. I know that their job is to make sure I wasn't going to die or lose a limb, and apparently I am not. But it's still frustrating.

I am struggling being told, "There's nothing I can do." "You just have to wait." "I'm sorry." "I wish there was something I could do." "I can't do anything for you." or "I don't know what to do." And some of those are even coming from doctors. I am really struggling with the fact that no one can help me right now.

Last night I had a severe migraine and emotional breakdown. I was crying to my mom, and I said, "I don't understand!" And she said, "Don't understand what?" I said, "I don't understand why I have to go through this." That pretty much sums up the mental side of this for me. I just don't get it. And it's not like I can walk around being depressed and mopey all the time either, no one wants that. I don't want that!

I know people who have been through worse and are going through worse, some are very close friends. I feel bad being so upset about this, but I can't change that. They don't even know what this is.

I was doing well not focusing on the future for a while, but now it's just awful. I wonder if I'll be able to enter Carmel, and I also wonder if I don't, if I'll ever be able to have children, depending on what this illness turns out to be. Either way, it makes me cry thinking about my future.

Everything is so uncertain. I need stability. But I can't have that. And I don't know if I ever will. This could be a year, two years, or life long.

Prayers are needed, pham.
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