Where Do I Draw The Line?

[Totus Tuus]

When it comes to the fourth commandment, where do you draw the line when it comes to parents disrespecting YOU? I'm almost 25, married, with a child, and my mom is constantly accusing me of things I didn't do and sending me condescending emails. She also over shares about her divorce and doesn't ever stop even though I tell her I don't want to know.

I have resorted to matter-of-factly telling her when she is wrong. However, she interprets this as grossly disrespectful. I've been told by a spiritual director that it's fine and good for me to be straightfoward with her when she is over sharing or stressing me out, but it's just gotten to such an impasse that I don't know whether continuing this or simply cutting off communication is the best option. I don't feel that passively allowing her to treat me however she wants is a healthy option, for me OR for my own family (husband and baby).

Thanks for any input/commiseration/similar experiences.

[To Jesus Through Mary]

First off I am so sorry you are going through this situation. It is so painful! I also have a very strained relationship with my mother. There was a long period of time I simply did not call her. She has never initiated phone calls/visits/emails so I knew it would eliminate the contact. Over time I got to a more secure place and I could handle whatever she would throw at me, that is when I slowly began our communication again. When my parents divorced my dad got custody of us, and that was when I was 12 and am now 29, so it's not like we ever were close (not sure if you and your mom were ever close). But now I call her every few weeks, and slowly increasing. Praying daily for the Lord to help me handle the situation. I only tell you that to say I have also struggled with that commandment for years.

The answer? Sadly, there is no cut and dry answer. Each case really has to be discerned, IMO. My suggestion, talk to your SD again. Now you have an obligation to protect your family, I don't have a family. So immediately there is a big difference. But God sees our hearts. He knows. He also gave us various cross for our salvation. He knows. He is really with you in this. I will be praying for you. Sorry I cannot offer more helpful advice.

[beatitude]

Fortunately I have never had this experience with my parents. They always took rather the opposite route, and tried to shield me from any problems, so I can't advise from personal experience.

I think cutting off communication is too drastic, especially as your mum has gone through a divorce. Her characterisation of you as disrespectful suggests that she might still want you to behave as a young girl, which of course you are not any more. It does sound to me as though she is harking back to the past, perhaps without even realising it, as part of her insecurity and grief. But you can't play the role of the respectful young daughter in order to assuage that. In your position I would suggest to her that she goes to speak to a counsellor about things, so she has a regular person to whom she can offload and who will help her sort through the difficult feelings. That way she gets some help and support and a place to vent, without putting the responsibility for it on you and your family.

[Papist]

You are not going to convince/convert her to change. I would certainly stop arguing or disputing her. That will only allow her to continue. Let her say her mind, then let it go in one ear and out the other. I would stay away from the subjects that you know will "set her off", but if she starts I would always be honest, yet very restrictive with how much I would share.

i.e. listen more, talk less. I found this to be very disarming with some people.

Regarding your husband and children, it is a different matter. I would definitely limit her interaction with them, especially the children. If I really believed a conversations are toxic, then I would not want my children to witness, especially if conversation is between mother and daughter. However, for older children, such as tweens and teens, it could serve them well to witness their mother being respectful with charity when talking to grandma.

My answer to your question is, I would draw the line when this impacts my family/household.

[Totus Tuus]

These replies were ALL helpful; thank you all. They mostly helped to re-enforce what I was leaning towards. I second-guess myself on EVERYTHING when it comes to my mom so I need to be reassured.

[quote name='To Jesus Through Mary' timestamp='1346074095' post='2474856']
First off I am so sorry you are going through this situation. It is so painful! I also have a very strained relationship with my mother. There was a long period of time I simply did not call her. She has never initiated phone calls/visits/emails so I knew it would eliminate the contact. Over time I got to a more secure place and I could handle whatever she would throw at me, that is when I slowly began our communication again. When my parents divorced my dad got custody of us, and that was when I was 12 and am now 29, so it's not like we ever were close (not sure if you and your mom were ever close). But now I call her every few weeks, and slowly increasing. Praying daily for the Lord to help me handle the situation. I only tell you that to say I have also struggled with that commandment for years.

The answer? Sadly, there is no cut and dry answer. Each case really has to be discerned, IMO. My suggestion, talk to your SD again. Now you have an obligation to protect your family, I don't have a family. So immediately there is a big difference. But God sees our hearts. He knows. He also gave us various cross for our salvation. He knows. He is really with you in this. I will be praying for you. Sorry I cannot offer more helpful advice.
[/quote]

I appreciate your prayers very much. My mom does initiate, which intimidates me because I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells-- if I open the email or answer the phone it could be anything from, "Hi, honey! I hope you're having a wonderful week!" to "I need to let you know that you are a prideful individual who is being affected by the disease of alcoholism since you live with your father."

I also think she might have a psychological issue because she is always on guard thinking that people are out to get her (read: my dad and anyone associated with him). My dad has done some bad things in their marriage, but my mom is overly-paranoid, and no matter how trustworthy I have been to her over the years, the simple fact that I've been living with him for three months is enough to completely betray that. So she imagines scenarios in her head that aren't occurring in reality, and once she has decided these things are going on (i.e., she thinks that my dad bemoans having to give her money, but he doesn't, and yet she gets angry with my husband and me for participating in these non-existent conversations with my dad).

I think you are right about consulting the SD again.

[quote name='beatitude' timestamp='1346080673' post='2474883']
Fortunately I have never had this experience with my parents. They always took rather the opposite route, and tried to shield me from any problems, so I can't advise from personal experience.

I think cutting off communication is too drastic, especially as your mum has gone through a divorce. Her characterisation of you as disrespectful suggests that she might still want you to behave as a young girl, which of course you are not any more. It does sound to me as though she is harking back to the past, perhaps without even realising it, as part of her insecurity and grief. But you can't play the role of the respectful young daughter in order to assuage that. In your position I would suggest to her that she goes to speak to a counsellor about things, so she has a regular person to whom she can offload and who will help her sort through the difficult feelings. That way she gets some help and support and a place to vent, without putting the responsibility for it on you and your family.
[/quote]

I'm not sure what else to do short of cutting off communication, but I do agree with you that acting like a child is not the right choice on my part, either. I have suggested to her (many times) to see a counselor. I believe she has seen one, but she just ended up making my siblings go to her and I guess she thinks she doesn't need one. If she doesn't like what a counselor or priest advisor tells her, she doesn't go to them anymore. At the moment she doesn't see anyone regularly (she never sees anyone more than once or twice because they always say something that ends up offending her in some way).

[quote name='Papist' timestamp='1346082456' post='2474899']
You are not going to convince/convert her to change. I would certainly stop arguing or disputing her. That will only allow her to continue. Let her say her mind, then let it go in one ear and out the other. I would stay away from the subjects that you know will "set her off", but if she starts I would always be honest, yet very restrictive with how much I would share.

i.e. listen more, talk less. I found this to be very disarming with some people.

Regarding your husband and children, it is a different matter. I would definitely limit her interaction with them, especially the children. If I really believed a conversations are toxic, then I would not want my children to witness, especially if conversation is between mother and daughter. However, for older children, such as tweens and teens, it could serve them well to witness their mother being respectful with charity when talking to grandma.

My answer to your question is, I would draw the line when this impacts my family/household.
[/quote]

I agree with you wholeheartedly on all points. The advice to do more listening than talking is very constructive -- that is something that I am not very good at. I get very defensive when she starts spouting out things that are insulting or untrue. Maybe if I just listened and didn't reply her fire would lose it's fuel.

Thanks again all.

[emmaberry]

My grandmother, who is a large part of my life, has always treated my mom in a way that sounds similar to how you are being treated, OP. She expects her to do everything she says in a very submissive child-like way, just as she ate her green beans and went to bed when she was a child.

This has caused problems for my mom, my dad, and for me as an adult grandchild. I don't know the extent of your case, but only you can say whether limited communication would be the right thing to do. Even though it is far off, think of your baby and whether you will want her to be actively involved with her grandparents. As much damage as my grandmother did to our family, I am still so thankful for her and my granddad's close and interactive presence in my life. I think it is very healthy for any child to be as close to a set of grandparents (or aunt/uncle who represent g-parents) as is possible. That said, there is definitely a line, and if my grandmother would have crossed that line, it would not have been worth it to keep communication going just to keep us grandkids in touch with her. Only you can know whether your mom has or will cross that line for your family.

I will be praying for your situation with your mom.

[Papist]

[quote name='emmaberry' timestamp='1346133998' post='2475246']
My grandmother, who is a large part of my life, has always treated my mom in a way that sounds similar to how you are being treated, OP. She expects her to do everything she says in a very submissive child-like way, just as she ate her green beans and went to bed when she was a child.

This has caused problems for my mom, my dad, and for me as an adult grandchild. I don't know the extent of your case, but only you can say whether limited communication would be the right thing to do. Even though it is far off, think of your baby and whether you will want her to be actively involved with her grandparents. As much damage as my grandmother did to our family, I am still so thankful for her and my granddad's close and interactive presence in my life. I think it is very healthy for any child to be as close to a set of grandparents (or aunt/uncle who represent g-parents) as is possible. That said, there is definitely a line, and if my grandmother would have crossed that line, it would not have been worth it to keep communication going just to keep us grandkids in touch with her. Only you can know whether your mom has or will cross that line for your family.

I will be praying for your situation with your mom.
[/quote]
This made me think of something I didn't consider before. My wife drops my boys off at my dad's in order to run errands w/o towing the boys around. If my dad would talk ill of me while my boys are there, I believe my wife would stop dropping my boys off at his house.