The Reality Of Entering

[HopefulBride]

I posted on my blog and I thought I'd post it here. Lisa and whomever else is preparing to enter soon, feel free to comment on that last bit.

[quote]
Hi there! Yeah I'm still here. I've been preparing for entrance by being as aggressive as I can with paying down my loans as well as being persistent in my fundraising efforts. I was working on a dinner in which one of the sisters would give a talk but it looks like the dinner won't be happening anytime soon. Initially I had planned on a dinner for October 22nd but with the need to get everything ready to enter as soon as possible, it does not look like I will be able to have a dinner any time soon. I am hopeful though that I can fundraise enough to be ready for entrance.


In other news, my discernment is going as can be expected. I went through a good week of anxiety and fear of the unknown shortly after I gave my boss official notice that I was leaving. We both knew that I was leaving but giving her my letter of resignation made it all too real and I got the gist of what I was doing. I didn't have any regrets or second thoughts but I didn't realize how much I needed to trust in the Lord as I continued to make steps to enter Religious Life.

So these last few weeks have been a wave of emotions for me as I prepare to face the unknown. I have experienced true happiness and joy at the anticipation of my entrance and the beginning of a life lived in Community. I have experienced anxiety when I think of the fact that I not only need to get additional items for my trousseau but also must be just about debt-free by the time I enter.

Last night in Adoration, I told the Lord that I was going to spend the next hour with him in silence and I barely made it. After about half an hour I wanted to pull out my rosary to pray the rosary and I just about did and I was reminded gently of my promise. Fifteen minutes after that I wanted to pull out my book to do some spiritual reading; it wasn't until the last ten minutes of Adoration that I finally decided to stop and silence my heart and mind and hear the Lord.

I have been soo looking forward to my entrance that I haven't been thinking too much about what it would be like. Now that's it's approaching, I think about it more and more and I realize that I won't be visiting anymore and I keep thinking and worrying about that. While I am exited on one hand, I can't help but be worried about "messing" up.

I wonder if this is how a new bride feels after the wedding, when she and her groom are finally under one roof and she suddenly feels as though she is under a microscope. I will never know since I have never been a new bride, but I do know that when I think of life in the convent I do feel as though it will be like living under a microscope; I don't want to "mess up" nor do I want to be unnatural. I guess I need to continue to remind myself to just be myself, just as I was on my previous visits.

I need your prayers now more than ever as I prepare for this very exciting and radical move especially as I work on eliminating my loans. Please consider making a donation or inviting someone to donate to support my vocation.

May God Bless you always,
Hopeful
[/quote]

[Lisa]

It so true. We will be learning a completely new way of being. We will just have to become little, a la St. Therese, and accept those corrections as a child learning to write her first letters. Someday, Lord willing, with the graces bestowed on us through vows, those scribblings will become a beautiful offering to our Lord. A carmelite postulant's mother posted this on [url="http://becomingleaven.blogspot.com/"]http://becomingleaven.blogspot.com/[/url]:
[quote]
Postulancy is much like being a very little child again. I don't know how to walk, or eat, or even dress properly. Though all the professed sisters are most forgiving, it is still very humbling. The Gospel today had such significance for me then - since the Father reveals His wisdom not to the wise but to little ones. Slowly, I am sure I will learn, but pray that I keep a childlike attitude toward our Father always.[/quote]

For me, I think it also includes being at the wedding, where everyone else is watching. Since my community does update their website, my family, the people on phatmass, the people from my church, will all know if I leave. If my picture disappeared from the website, that would be akin to failing in many people's eyes.

But I just pray that in addition to becoming childlike, that I will also have what I refer to as "holy stubbornness". I am 99% certain (as certain as you can be until actually living the life and persevering until final vows) that Christ has called me to be His own. Even with the great joy and peace of knowing I am seeking His will in the convent, there are bound to be many sacrifices along the way that make it tough. With God's grace- and a little bit of that stubbornness (perseverance, grit, whatever you want to call it)- we'll get through them. On the other hand, if it's not the Lord's will, I pray that I will know and not let my own pride stand in the way.

[quote]
O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, [i]Hear me.[/i]
From the desire of being esteemed, [i]Deliver me, Jesus.[/i]
From the desire of being loved, [i]Deliver me, Jesus.[/i]
From the desire of being extolled, [i]Deliver me, Jesus.[/i]
From the desire of being honored, [i]Deliver me, Jesus.[/i]
From the desire of being praised, [i]Deliver me, Jesus.[/i]
From the desire of being preferred to others, [i]Deliver me, Jesus.[/i]
From the desire of being consulted, [i]Deliver me, Jesus.[/i]
From the desire of being approved, [i]Deliver me, Jesus.[/i]
From the fear of being humiliated, [i]Deliver me, Jesus.[/i]
From the fear of being despised, [i]Deliver me, Jesus.[/i]
From the fear of suffering rebukes, [i]Deliver me, Jesus.[/i]
From the fear of being calumniated, [i]Deliver me, Jesus.[/i]
From the fear of being forgotten, [i]Deliver me, Jesus.[/i]
From the fear of being ridiculed, [i]Deliver me, Jesus.[/i]
From the fear of being wronged, [i]Deliver me, Jesus.[/i]
From the fear of being suspected, [i]Deliver me, Jesus.[/i]

That others may be loved more than I, [i]Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.[/i]
That others may be esteemed more than I, [i]Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.[/i]
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, [i]Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.[/i]
That others may be chosen and I set aside, [i]Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.[/i]
That others may be praised and I unnoticed, [i]Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.[/i]
That others may be preferred to me in everything, [i]Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.[/i]
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, [i]Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.[/i][i][/quote][/i]

Edited August 27, 2012 by Lisa

[HopefulBride]

This is beautiful Lisa! Thanks for sharing. I know exactly what you mean about wanting to be child-like and praying for that holy stubbornness. I think about whether or not I will have the "grit" to stay as you point out but I also pray to have the wisdom to not be too stubborn or prideful if it be the Lord's will for me to be elsewhere, whether another convent or whatever.

You and your entire class shall be in my prayers Lisa and I ask you to pray for me too.

[OnlySunshine]

Though I don't have an entrance date (yet!), I know a little about what you are experiencing. After I got word that I would be taking the psychological evaluation and taking my next steps into candidacy, the thought of entering suddenly became real to me and it was surreal. It didn't cause tremendous anxiety or anything, but I did feel weird. I guess somewhere, in the back of my mind, I didn't think this time would come since I've had quite a bit of trouble with communities being accepting of my need to continue taking medication. When I finally completed the exam, I felt exhilarated and happy. I also felt great peace and acceptance of whatever God would put in my path. I'm hoping that I will hear something very soon, but it's OK if I don't. I have plenty to keep me busy since I am now a full-time student with all my classes online (I was taking one in person but had to drop it due to car issues). I also bought some little crafts at Walmart today to teach myself how to do needlework again so I'm not driving myself crazy waiting. The Provincial Superior thoroughly understands that we need to get the ball rolling and she is in Europe at the Motherhouse right now. She took the results of my exam with her and said she would write or call me soon.

[Strictlyinkblot]

[quote name='Lisa' timestamp='1346033709' post='2474665']
It so true. We will be learning a completely new way of being. We will just have to become little, a la St. Therese, and accept those corrections as a child learning to write her first letters. Someday, Lord willing, with the graces bestowed on us through vows, those scribblings will become a beautiful offering to our Lord. A carmelite postulant's mother posted this on [url="http://becomingleaven.blogspot.com/"]http://becomingleaven.blogspot.com/[/url]:


For me, I think it also includes being at the wedding, where everyone else is watching. Since my community does update their website, my family, the people on phatmass, the people from my church, will all know if I leave. If my picture disappeared from the website, that would be akin to failing in many people's eyes.

But I just pray that in addition to becoming childlike, that I will also have what I refer to as "holy stubbornness". I am 99% certain (as certain as you can be until actually living the life and persevering until final vows) that Christ has called me to be His own. Even with the great joy and peace of knowing I am seeking His will in the convent, there are bound to be many sacrifices along the way that make it tough. With God's grace- and a little bit of that stubbornness (perseverance, grit, whatever you want to call it)- we'll get through them. On the other hand, if it's not the Lord's will, I pray that I will know and not let my own pride stand in the way.

[/i]
[/quote]

This reminds me of St. Therese clinging onto the Pope, begging him to let her enter until they carry her out.

[maximillion]

You can't help but feel like the Probie......in a way that is what you are when you enter. In communities where there is a group Entrance time, the scrutiny is and feels less. In communities where one is a sole Entrant it does feel like the eyes of the whole community are on you....I felt like that and to some degree it is unavoidable.
I was nervous about 'screwing up', and there are two things to be said about that.
First - you will, it's inevitable. When my Angel left the choir stall to go and read the lesson, lil'ole me, having forgotten she was reader that week, promptly got up and followed her into the middle, then had to stand there like a dork while she read. There were smiles (of understanding and indulgence) from the nuns.
Second, Dear Mistress told me that while the sisters did watch the new Postulant, this was a benign and forbearing watchfulness, and certainly not a condemnatory one. This settled my nervousness more than anything else.

[emmaberry]

[quote name='maximillion' timestamp='1346054706' post='2474809']
You can't help but feel like the Probie......in a way that is what you are when you enter. In communities where there is a group Entrance time, the scrutiny is and feels less. In communities where one is a sole Entrant it does feel like the eyes of the whole community are on you....I felt like that and to some degree it is unavoidable.
I was nervous about 'screwing up', and there are two things to be said about that.
First - you will, it's inevitable. [b]When my Angel left the choir stall to go and read the lesson, lil'ole me, having forgotten she was reader that week, promptly got up and followed her into the middle, then had to stand there like a dork while she read. [/b]There were smiles (of understanding and indulgence) from the nuns.
Second, Dear Mistress told me that while the sisters did watch the new Postulant, this was a benign and forbearing watchfulness, and certainly not a condemnatory one. This settled my nervousness more than anything else.
[/quote]

I remember this from A Right to Be Merry! I am sure your community loved it when you did that..that is the beauty of the cloister, small things can delight a nun like none other (no pun intended). In the book, Mother points out that the nuns all laugh so much because they forget that they did the exact same thing as postulants. I also agree about group vs solo entrance. There is a craving to be the solo entrant, but there is also a craving to enter as a pair or a group, so as to diminish personal scrutiny. Both have pros and cons! EDIT: Personally, another con of entering in a pair or group is the investiture and vows, if both/all persevere, of course. I just know I'd be the one to take it personally if Mother thought the other postulant was ready for the habit/vows and I wasn't. So, another pro for solo entrance! Unless of course you entered alone and someone entered after you and received the habit before you. That would be embarrassing.

These are good, non-romantic things to think about before entrance, referencing being scrutinized. I also think that this could be a small but trusty indicator as to what spirituality/community you are called to. Anywhere else (which for me was Carmel), if I had thought about being scrutinized by Carmelite nuns, though I love Carmel dearly, it would have made me very anxious and worried. When I think about the same thing but with the Poor Clares watching my every move, I feel a little uncomfortable, but like I can handle it. Like I was made to learn from and work with that particular group of women.

Only time will tell (if I even enter), but I really love your anecdotes from your time as a religious, maximillion! I suppose that mortification of curiosity on the part of the nuns does not eliminate that "I am being watched" feeling of the postulant?

Edited August 27, 2012 by emmaberry

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='emmaberry' timestamp='1346055626' post='2474812']
I remember this from A Right to Be Merry! I am sure your community loved it when you did that..that is the beauty of the cloister, small things can delight a nun like none other (no pun intended). In the book, Mother points out that the nuns all laugh so much because they forget that they did the exact same thing as postulants. I also agree about group vs solo entrance. There is a craving to be the solo entrant, but there is also a craving to enter as a pair or a group, so as to diminish personal scrutiny. Both have pros and cons! EDIT: Personally, another con of entering in a pair or group is the investiture and vows, if both/all persevere, of course. I just know I'd be the one to take it personally if Mother thought the other postulant was ready for the habit/vows and I wasn't. So, another pro for solo entrance! Unless of course you entered alone and someone entered after you and received the habit before you. That would be embarrassing.
[/quote]

Since my community is rather small in the USA and there has only been one American postulant before me (who is now a novice), I'm 99.9% sure I'll be entering on my own here in the States. However, the postulancy is 2 years long and while the first year is spent in the US learning about the order, the 2nd year is spent overseas in the Motherhouse as well as the 1st novitiate year. Even the American postulant was not alone when she went to the Motherhouse. There were 3 other postulants (I believe) from Europe with her.

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='maximillion' timestamp='1346054706' post='2474809']
You can't help but feel like the Probie......in a way that is what you are when you enter. In communities where there is a group Entrance time, the scrutiny is and feels less. In communities where one is a sole Entrant it does feel like the eyes of the whole community are on you....I felt like that and to some degree it is unavoidable.
I was nervous about 'screwing up', and there are two things to be said about that.
[b]First - you will, it's inevitable. When my Angel left the choir stall to go and read the lesson, lil'ole me, having forgotten she was reader that week, promptly got up and followed her into the middle, then had to stand there like a dork while she read. There were smiles (of understanding and indulgence) from the nuns.[/b]
Second, Dear Mistress told me that while the sisters did watch the new Postulant, this was a benign and forbearing watchfulness, and certainly not a condemnatory one. This settled my nervousness more than anything else.
[/quote]



I can just imagine how mortifying and humbling that would be!

[maximillion]

Oh yes....you get used to it after a while, and yes, someone in the community is sure to have done that exact same thing before you....that's good to remember. I need to re-read A Right To Be Merry, I believe the last time was...er....a long time ago!

Most nerve wracking was serving at table, because of the various dietary needs of the sisters, you had to know either the names of the sisters...not easy as a newcomer in a big community (we were 48 including our externs), or remember the number of each table, which was not on show like in a restaurant. Sometimes Sr Kitchen used to hiss a sister's name at me, but with the reader giving forth from the lecturn and my unfamiliarity both with the names of the nuns and with French, I can't say I didn't learn to ask forgiveness very prettily of whichever sister it was that got meat instead of veggie, or sugar instead of none.
My face was often crimson. I can't remember when these things stopped having the effect of making me blush and feel self-concious, but you would be amazed at how quickly you begin to take everything in a spiritual sense.

[juchu]

Oh yes, you will definetly "mess up", "screw up", or however you might call it!
I am still in the phase of doing it everday... My great novice mistress however told me at the beginning (me coming directly from final university exams) that this here isn`t something I can "pass" or "fail". It is about the search of God and what he wants for me. And what he wants for the community. If I leave, like have done about almost 60-70% in my community, it is not a failure. It is a step on God's way for me.

And you might feel like under a microscope. And you stick out - it starts with the clothes....
But after all, to keep the metaphor - it is God's microscope. It is him who is looking at you, through the eyes of the sisters.
And the sisters... they have been all through this themselves before.

Maximillion, I had to smile at your post, because it is the same here with the dietry needs. Though I know the names of the sisters and can almost say by heart who can not eat sugar, onions, garlic or tomatoes ... if guests come (and they come quite often here!) have special dietry needs it is quite humbling to search for them...

So all in all, do not worry. God loves you. It will all somehow fall in place.

[emmaberry]

[quote name='maximillion' timestamp='1346078814' post='2474876']
My face was often crimson. I can't remember when these things stopped having the effect of making me blush and feel self-concious, but you would be amazed at how quickly you begin to take everything in a spiritual sense.
[/quote]

Good to hear! We can only hope that the spiritual starts taking over quite soon!

[HopefulBride]

It's good to hear from those who've "been there", it's putting my at ease and helping me to realize that I should focus on just living the vocation. I am really looking forward to the time when I get to be one of the sisters . In other news, I'm thinking of Lisa and all of her sisters tonight as they prepare to all be together tomorrow.