How To Tell Parents That You Are Discerning.

[AnneLine]

Kylie,

I just checked your profile, and now I remember -- you're thinking Sisters of Life. Biology makes sense.... and so does maybe volunteering some time at a shelter or doing some pro-life work.... again, that will both give you a chance to see if this is really what you want to do with yourself.... and also start to send the message to your family that this is a serious serious thing for you.....

[Kylie Spinelli]

Yeah it definitely doesn't have to be tomorrow LOL I'm just trying to look around for ideas and pray about it for a while...
And I participate in our local Car Wash for Birth Right, and I (God willing) will be going to March For Life this January, unless, of course, abortion is made illegal between now and then (*fingers Crossed*)

Yeah I'm thinking SOL, but I'm still open. It's all pretty new to me, but they struck me right away and I've been captivated ever since!

Thanks for all the help, you guys!! :D

God bless!!!

[emmaberry]

Kylie-posted on your other thread (whoops!), but you have got a ton of great advice here.

I feel like I am dancing through a minefield in whatever I say about how I told my parents, because our situations are probably so different.. What really helped me and my parents may wreak havoc if you tried it. That said, please take this with a large grain of salt.

With my parents, I cried. A lot. Then, mortified that I could not have the conversation like a sane adult, I said, "I am so sorry for crying." My mom told me that if I haven't cried she would not have believed the calling was real. A lot like if I set down and explained that I was getting married without one tear-they would know that something was not right. So, tears, at least for my parents, showed my sincerity in what I described, and that this wasn't something that had been forced on me by the religious at my university. That said, if you cry, your parents may see that as immature or unstable, just like I viewed my own tears. Evaluate that in your own situation. And, of course, don't force yourself to cry-then you'll just look ridiculous!

Also (and I am sure you do this), make sure to walk the walk, so to speak. If I had been living the same life I had been living before I went off to college, my parents would have thought that this whole thing was just a phase. They already think this deep down, I believe, but it would have been a very strong conviction of theirs if I had not visibly changed my life. The more I tell them, "Bye! I am going to adoration/Mass/confession/etc" the more I see them accept my vocation. This is because, like AnneLine said, your parents want to see you happy, so you must make it clear for them that: You like doing A, Sisters of Life focus on A, therefore our daughter will be happy and content with the Sisters of Life. It sounds like you are already participating in pro-life activities, which is great.

Like St Francis, you want to preach at all times and use words when necessary....except in this situation, you will be showing your parents' the sincerity of your vocation at all times, even without using words. Who knows, maybe they will suspect it before you bring it up! Praying.

[EmilyAnn]

My mother is not Catholic, and disapproves of my zeal for the faith (she calls me a "nut"). The one thing I learned is that when telling parents it's important not to just spring it on them - as others have suggested it's best to bring it in slowly. I made that mistake when I first told my mother I'm discerning - now with a community I'm discerning with I'm taking it more slowly and I've found she's much less hostile. It gives them time to adjust to the idea of religious life in general before they have to adjust to the idea of [i]you [/i]in religious life. I'm discerning with a very traditional community - we're allowed to send letters once a month and have visits twice a year. I haven't told her that yet, because she's not yet ready to hear it. You know your parents better than we do, obviously, and a lot of it is just trying to sense what they're ready for and what they're not ready for.

When it comes to parents, there are horror stories and there are the stories that make you think "this won't be so bad". When I asked my sisters how their parents reacted I got a huge variety. One of the juniors told me how upset her Catholic parents were when she told them she was entering, and one of the professed sisters told me how great her non-Catholic parents had been. But each of my sisters that told me how badly their parents reacted, also told me how happy their parents were now. The same junior who told me how upset her parents had been told me how filled with joy there were when she took her first vows just a few months ago. So no matter how they react, they'll come round eventually!

[emmaberry]

[quote name='EmilyAnn' timestamp='1345883478' post='2474022']
But each of my sisters that told me how badly their parents reacted, also told me how happy their parents were now.[/quote]

This is great, and so true. I like to think of this when I am discouraged by a negative reaction from my family. My Protestant Granny calls me every Monday morning after speaking with her pastor on Sunday about the evils of religious life-ESPECIALLY nuns. When she is picking a fight and being very patronizing, I like to think of her if (God willing) I take the habit and then first and solemn vows. I just know she will be saying, "That's MY granddaughter!" because I trust that God will not deny me that small bit of humor!

Kylie, even if your parents take it hard, just remind yourself that (God willing) on your home visits they will most likely be showing you off and just drowning in their parental pride over you!

[Annie12]

I told my parents through a letter. They were okay with it, but they are also faithful Catholics. If you were to tell them via a letter, I would suggest giving it to them before you go somewhere for a few days. Just so they can digest it all. Maybe leave some info with them about religious life. Also, I told the parent who I would feel the most comfortable talking to. That's my mom. We're really close. I don't really know what else to say except that I told my parents "I wanted to be a nun" instead of "'I'm discerning". Now, I feel pressure from them to be a nun. I dunno, It's probably just in my head.

[VeniJesuAmorMi]

I don't know if I could offer advise as my situation was different, but I know for some that this is a difficulty and so I will pray that all goes well for you and your family through your discernment.

I am a convert to the faith and up until then I was never involved in any church, and neither my family. I remember doing a lot of research on the internet about RCIA and also the religious life before I told them. I don't remember any reaction, but they just went along with it. When I decided to go through the RCIA classes my dad was the one to drive me to each one, and he has even told me that he wish he would have went with me to the classes. He was baptized Catholic but was never confirmed. He goes to Sunday Mass with me almost every week. My mom doesn't go to church, but did attend my confirmation and has been to Christmas Eve Mass with us (my sister and brother even went, and that was a joy just to have them there!) I believe they were open because they want me to do what will make me happy. My mother asks a lot of questions about our faith so I see that she is open and its nice to be able to answer her questions. My dad doesn't ask much questions, but just by hearing some things he has said I believe that in his heart, whether he knows it or not, that he has the faith. It would be great one day if they both went to RCIA together.

About the religious life, they have been just as open to that as they were when I entered The Church. I have entered a cloistered community before and I can say that even though the seperation wasn't easy for them, they were so strong; especially the fact that when they came to visit me it was behind a grille; but they never said anything because they knew I was happy. I am discerning again with the cloistered religious life, and they are again happy for me and supportive because they know its what I desire.

I don't think there is any advise in what I shared, but I wanted to say it because it shows that just from the journey that I've been on, and the graces that I have received, has helped my family also and I believe will bring them closer to Our Lord. We plant the seeds, and God makes them grow. It has been all His work. I know whatever happens when your parents are told, however they react, it will be a time of grace for them also. They will share in the graces that Our Lord has given to you and will give to you; whether they see it or not.

[PhuturePriest]

[quote name='AnneLine' timestamp='1345870001' post='2473979']
Yeah, I get it. But I think FP/Miles knows of what he speaks... he's had a few humorous posts blow up in his fact on Phatmass, right Miles? (Some of his jokes are comedy gold, some are lame gold, and some are just old gold.... )
[/quote]

I think at least 50% of my jokes have resulted in blowing up in my face, and that is a lot since almost all of my posts have jokes in them. It's not my fault I'm a sanguine and love making people laugh.

[PhuturePriest]

[quote name='Annie12' timestamp='1345900104' post='2474049']
I told my parents through a letter. They were okay with it, but they are also faithful Catholics. If you were to tell them via a letter, I would suggest giving it to them before you go somewhere for a few days. Just so they can digest it all. Maybe leave some info with them about religious life. Also, I told the parent who I would feel the most comfortable talking to. That's my mom. We're really close. I don't really know what else to say except that I told my parents "I wanted to be a nun" instead of "'I'm discerning". Now, I feel pressure from them to be a nun. I dunno, It's probably just in my head.
[/quote]

This is a common side-effect of telling people that you are going to be a religious. I did the same thing, and now my mother thinks without a shadow of a doubt that I will be a Priest. She may be right, but this also may be my mistake for making her think that.

[i<3franciscans]

[quote name='Annie12' timestamp='1345900104' post='2474049']
I told my parents through a letter. They were okay with it, but they are also faithful Catholics. If you were to tell them via a letter, I would suggest giving it to them before you go somewhere for a few days. Just so they can digest it all. Maybe leave some info with them about religious life. Also, I told the parent who I would feel the most comfortable talking to. That's my mom. We're really close. I don't really know what else to say except that I told my parents "I wanted to be a nun" instead of "'I'm discerning". Now, I feel pressure from them to be a nun. I dunno, It's probably just in my head.
[/quote]Even though I have not come out and told my parents yet, I understand your pressure... It seems like it is a "yes" or a "no" to the rest of the world when we all know it is so much harder than that.

[Antigonos]

Let me approach this issue from a slightly different viewpoint. I'm not Catholic, nor am I discerning religious life [it might be argued that I'm [i]living[/i] a religious life, but that's an entirely different topic ]. Neither do I have a child discerning a religious vocation. So far, some Phatmassers have expressed problems with discussing religious vocations with parents, but we don't have more than a few parents' opinions, and those we do have were usually supportive.

What makes it different to inform one's parents that, as an adult*, you intend to enter a religious establishment permanently which will restrict your communication with them, in order to follow a particular career, or that you intend to move permanently to another country and practice your profession -- a secular one, such as medicine or nursing, law, or teaching, which can be said to be the sort of profession that requires dedication and considerable sacrifices? Would your parents be as opposed or upset?

If so, then the next question which has to be asked is "what is it in your relationship with your parents -- on their side, or yours, or both -- which generates so much angst at the idea of being independent?

In some ways, it might actually be easier if one or both parents actively disapprove of religion, any religion [or the Catholic Church specifically] because that is a clear reason. It might be possible to educate, or re-educate, parents who feel that "God is dead" or that it's all a lot of claptrap. If no resolution can be reached, then both parties must agree to disagree and go their own ways, painful as it is. Nowhere is it written that you must conform to your parents' desires in every way throughout your entire life.

When I was 28 I told my parents that I was moving to Israel. At the time, [ah those pre-PC and smartphone days!] letters took at least two weeks to arrive, the international phone call was prohibitively expensive [about $4 per minute] and the best alternative was a monthly tape cassette. The cost of air travel meant that in person visits could only be made every few years, and once married and with small children, virtually impossible financially. I was, for all intents and purposes, as distant as if I was in a convent, living an enclosed life. My parents were less than thrilled, but by that time, since I hadn't lived at home since my 18th birthday, they were used to my being far away. I expect that for many who are discerning, they are living at home and haven't yet taken the leap into the great unknown, even as far as a college dorm. Parents are [i]always[/i] nervous about this. Oddly, the convent is a far more protected environment than the average city flat, with or without roomates.

Are the parents afraid of the consequences of renouncing sexuality? This breaks down into two subjects: committing to a celibate life without having had experience of the joys of a sexual relationship [a sanctified relationship, of course], and what a friend of mine calls "Granny lust" -- the normal hope of parents for grandchildren. Again, this is difficult to address, partly because of the delicacy of the whole subject -- parents and children usually can't have open and frank discussions about this -- and because of the very wide range of sexual response [or lack of it] But let's face it: today many singles never marry, or couples raise children, so grandchildren aren't an automatic "given" even in the secular life. Sorry, Grandma and Grandpa!

In any case, the situation today seems very different from that before V2. Both male and female religious seem to be able to transfer between orders, or institutions with much more facility than before, as well as to leave religious life, even after taking solemn vows, if the religious life becomes unsuitable. The convent and the monastery are not prisons, after all. No longer are unwanted or undowered daughters dumped in convents, or boys sent to seminaries when children and railroaded into becoming priests. The traditional "oldest son gets the estate, the second son goes into the army, and the third takes Holy Orders" belongs to at least 200 years ago. And there are many other ways for devout Catholics today to act their faith. We have Phatmassers in a variety of forms of religious life.

If parents object, I think it is important for both them, and the potential discerner, to examine not only their own feelings, but those of the other side. You can't know until you walk a mile in the other man's shoes, as the saying goes, if they will fit. Give your parents credit for good intentions. Find out what bothers them, then perhaps you can have a meaningful discussion.

*By adult, I mean 18 or older. When a 12 year old says he/she believes he/she has a vocation, it really is too early to tell, in my opinion. I know there are youngsters on VS, and I don't mean to be discouraging; but the best wine always needs to age, and one's enthusiasms when very young will either improve or fade away with increasing maturity. Patience, patience. There will be a convent or a monastery, or a church, waiting for you when you are ready for it.

[emmaberry]

[quote name='Antigonos' timestamp='1345994912' post='2474441']
Let me approach this issue from a slightly different viewpoint. I'm not Catholic, nor am I discerning religious life [it might be argued that I'm [i]living[/i] a religious life, but that's an entirely different topic ]. Neither do I have a child discerning a religious vocation. So far, some Phatmassers have expressed problems with discussing religious vocations with parents, but we don't have more than a few parents' opinions, and those we do have were usually supportive.

What makes it different to inform one's parents that, as an adult*, you intend to enter a religious establishment permanently which will restrict your communication with them, in order to follow a particular career, or that you intend to move permanently to another country and practice your profession -- a secular one, such as medicine or nursing, law, or teaching, which can be said to be the sort of profession that requires dedication and considerable sacrifices? Would your parents be as opposed or upset?

If so, then the next question which has to be asked is "what is it in your relationship with your parents -- on their side, or yours, or both -- which generates so much angst at the idea of being independent?

In some ways, it might actually be easier if one or both parents actively disapprove of religion, any religion [or the Catholic Church specifically] because that is a clear reason. It might be possible to educate, or re-educate, parents who feel that "God is dead" or that it's all a lot of claptrap. If no resolution can be reached, then both parties must agree to disagree and go their own ways, painful as it is. Nowhere is it written that you must conform to your parents' desires in every way throughout your entire life.

When I was 28 I told my parents that I was moving to Israel. At the time, [ah those pre-PC and smartphone days!] letters took at least two weeks to arrive, the international phone call was prohibitively expensive [about $4 per minute] and the best alternative was a monthly tape cassette. The cost of air travel meant that in person visits could only be made every few years, and once married and with small children, virtually impossible financially. I was, for all intents and purposes, as distant as if I was in a convent, living an enclosed life. My parents were less than thrilled, but by that time, since I hadn't lived at home since my 18th birthday, they were used to my being far away. I expect that for many who are discerning, they are living at home and haven't yet taken the leap into the great unknown, even as far as a college dorm. Parents are [i]always[/i] nervous about this. Oddly, the convent is a far more protected environment than the average city flat, with or without roomates.

Are the parents afraid of the consequences of renouncing sexuality? This breaks down into two subjects: committing to a celibate life without having had experience of the joys of a sexual relationship [a sanctified relationship, of course], and what a friend of mine calls "Granny lust" -- the normal hope of parents for grandchildren. Again, this is difficult to address, partly because of the delicacy of the whole subject -- parents and children usually can't have open and frank discussions about this -- and because of the very wide range of sexual response [or lack of it] But let's face it: today many singles never marry, or couples raise children, so grandchildren aren't an automatic "given" even in the secular life. Sorry, Grandma and Grandpa!

In any case, the situation today seems very different from that before V2. Both male and female religious seem to be able to transfer between orders, or institutions with much more facility than before, as well as to leave religious life, even after taking solemn vows, if the religious life becomes unsuitable. The convent and the monastery are not prisons, after all. No longer are unwanted or undowered daughters dumped in convents, or boys sent to seminaries when children and railroaded into becoming priests. The traditional "oldest son gets the estate, the second son goes into the army, and the third takes Holy Orders" belongs to at least 200 years ago. And there are many other ways for devout Catholics today to act their faith. We have Phatmassers in a variety of forms of religious life.

If parents object, I think it is important for both them, and the potential discerner, to examine not only their own feelings, but those of the other side. You can't know until you walk a mile in the other man's shoes, as the saying goes, if they will fit. Give your parents credit for good intentions. Find out what bothers them, then perhaps you can have a meaningful discussion.

*By adult, I mean 18 or older. When a 12 year old says he/she believes he/she has a vocation, it really is too early to tell, in my opinion. I know there are youngsters on VS, and I don't mean to be discouraging; but the best wine always needs to age, and one's enthusiasms when very young will either improve or fade away with increasing maturity. Patience, patience. There will be a convent or a monastery, or a church, waiting for you when you are ready for it.
[/quote]

Wish I could prop you. I always tell my mom that, if I turned away from my vocation and kept pursuing the JD in law that I always wanted, I would have moved to NYC or Boston and a) not wanted to come back home and visit my family in our small west Texas town and b) I would've been too 'busy' AKA snotty to make time for my family but once a year or so. When considering the family relationship, the convent is the best thing a lot of us can do for our families.

Of course, like you said, some discerners haven't left home yet, or they are like my college roomie, who cried every day and planned to live next door to her mother for the rest of her life. That is a..err..different situation.

[mantellata]

Very, very well put Antigonos!!!