Make Cma Laugh!

[Groo the Wanderer]

A man walked up to a Franciscan and Jesuit and asked, "How many novenas must you say to get a Mercedes Benz?"

The Franciscan asked, "What's a Mercedes Benz?"

The Jesuit asked, "What's a novena?"




A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"



Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone."

The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.

Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."



The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.

The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: More.

Chief: Who's more important than the president?

Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him!



Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."



A priest and a bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where Pope St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll.

St. Peter turns to the priest and says "This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden, and a library full of books."

The priest says, "Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!" St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver.

They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge 200-room castle on one of the mountains, and a wishing well that makes wishes come true. St. Peter says "This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want."

The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says "Well, now, don't think I'm not grateful, but why am I getting so much more than the priest?"

St. Peter just laughs and says "You brought more souls to Heaven! When the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. When you drove your bus, people prayed!"




Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he's ever had.

After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

Father turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...."

"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk..."



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.




A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law."



A man walks into a monastery and says “I want to be monk.”

The abbot replies “Great! But you realize we are not allowed to talk except every ten years.”

The man replies “Fine.”

Ten years go by and the man goes into the abbot’s office. The abbot asks, “Well my son what have you to say.

The man replies “Bed’s hard.”

The abbot remarks, “Is that it?”

The man says, “Yes”.

Another ten years go by and the man goes into the abbot’s office and says, “Food stinks!”

The abbot asks, “Is that it?”

And the man says “Yes.”

Another ten years goes by and the man goes into the abbot’s office and says “Water’s cold. I quit!”

And the abbot replies, “Figures! You’ve been complaining ever since you got here!"

[Papist]

Hasan is smart.

[Lil'Monster]

What you call a duck, a ninja, and a Relgious? "Nun-duck"


I know it's lame. I made it up.

[Not A Mallard]

[quote name='Lil'Monster' timestamp='1345870241' post='2473982']
What you call a duck, a ninja, and a Relgious? "Nun-duck"


I know it's lame. I made it up.
[/quote]
Does it quack?

[xTrishaxLynnx]

[quote name='Not A Mallard' timestamp='1345917917' post='2474122']
Does it quack?
[/quote]

Yes. It quacks boards with its forehead.

[xTrishaxLynnx]

As any good ninja duck would.

[r2Dtoo]

How does a nun-duck quack if a nun-duck could duck quack?

[Not A Mallard]

Hey, you wanna buy a nun-duck?

[Lil'Monster]

Hahahaha you guys made me laugh!


I totally need to dress up my pet duck named Frances as a poor clare nun

[brianthephysicist]

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

[cmaD2006]

keep em coming

I'm feeling ok -- beat up after the 12 hr drive yesterday. Long story. Should have taken (with a decent rest stop) 9.

[brianthephysicist]

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.



At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
[list=1]
[*]For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
[*]Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
[*]Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
[*]Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
[*]Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
[*]The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
[*]The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
[*]Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
[*]Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
[*]You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
[/list]

[brianthephysicist]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

[Groo the Wanderer]

Two penguins were sitting in the bathtub. One looked over and said 'Pass the salt.' The other looked back at him and snapped, 'What do you think I am? A typewriter!?'

[brianthephysicist]

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door!"